Dear Lady Listener- Week 2

In an effort to balance out the sheer masculinity of C Minus and Sleepy Cricket. The boys have enlisted a wise friend of the family. She is the definition of success with multiple college courses attended and over 3 marriages performed through to completion. She will be answering one female reader's question each week. Please submit questions in this post's comments section for future consideration.

Dear Lady Listener,

Thank you so much for answering women's questions on the blog. I originally came here because it was the highest ranked google site for the search term "Jon Purdy hot pix" but I stuck around because of your wisdom.

Here's my situation: The other night, my guy friend asked if I wanted to come over to his place and hang out and watch a movie. I thought, "hey, I love movies!" so away I went. We watched a movie, ate some snacks, watched the cool lightening storm, and listened to nerdy music (read: marching bands). Next thing I knew, we were making out. Then suddenly it was 2am and I was falling asleep snuggled on the couch. The suddenly we were in his bed because it's bigger than the couch! I noticed that he was breathing more quickly than the average sleeping person, so i asked if he was ok - no worries, he was fine, just doesn't usually sleep much anyway.

A few minutes later, when I was nearly zonked out, he said "ok, well if you want me to be completely honest, I kinda need to rub one off." And then a few minutes after that, he asked me if I'd be willing to help him out with that. So I pretended I was completely asleep.

End of story?

-Ms. Macro

Dear Ms. Macro,

I feel like this situation was a missed opportunity for both of you. Your right hand man missed out on the chance to pursue and actual relationship with a female. On one hand (preferably the one he didn't pleasure himself with) I respect him for directly addressing the following true statements:

"I am aroused"

I will assume that the gentleman was actually aroused at the moment and didn't need you to stimulate him to the state of being ready for the rubbing out process. Before we disect this statement. Congratulations! Not everyone can bring a manfriend to this point (bloggers note: the percentage is pretty high though so don't get all cocky about it. Bwahahaha). So he is not trying to hide the fact that he is feeling stimulated, so far this seems to be an honest man and I believe that you should commend him on that fact.

"There is a woman here"

The boytoy acknowledges your presence as both a person in the nearby area and as a woman who he would be willing to make out with (assuming he was not drugged to reach this point). I think having a man see you for what gender you are, a woman, is an important part in any relationship.

"I would like to take this arousal to the next level"

Here is a man who knows where he wants to go with his evening. I think a man who is committed to a direction in his life or even his evening is definitely something to be valued, especially to us as women who frequently don't know what to do with our lives in between pregnancies.

"This woman has stated interest in my well being"

It's a bit late into my response to be saying this but your question of "are you ok?" could have been taken as "is there any bodily fluid I can help you discharge this evening?" He probably took a moment to reflect on the inventory of his various liquids and felt that his manjuice would the best fit for your skill set.

"I kinda need to rub one off"

I was 100% on this man's side until you mentioned he said this to you. Never have I been more disgusted as a medical professional or as a woman. The nerve of this man!

Rubbing one off is the world's leading waste of human seed and this man is just causually asking you to participate in the murder of untold hundreds of potential people. In your fake sleep you showed a great deal of composure and restraint. If I were in your postion I would have slapped him in the face and then demanded he impregnate me right then and there. Every seed is a gift and I have yet to see a toilet or tube sock carry a child to term.

I think you did all the things a woman should do when trying to get pregnant, watch a movie, listen to band music, make out.... but when it came down to it the man just didn't respect you or the insemination process enough to make a complete child bearing request of you.

My final thoughts on the subject would be to not let this situation affect you in your quest to produce as many offspring as the public welfare system can handle. If your intentions are true, you will find many willing and able partners who will be able to eloquently ask your permission to get up in them guts.

Keep on Truckin'

- The Lady Listener

Dear Lady Listener- Week 1

In an effort to balance out the sheer masculinity of C Minus and Sleepy Cricket. The boys have enlisted a wise friend of the family. She is the definition of success with multiple college courses attended and over 3 marriages performed through to completion. She will be answering one female reader's question each week. Please submit questions in this post's comments section for future consideration.

Dear Lady Listener,

Thank you for everything that you do, your previous articles for this blog have helped me and many other women get through the struggles of being women.

My concern is that this past weekend I went out with some friends, both female and male, to various bars and clubs. As I am getting older I have less time to do this sort of thing so I really value the times I just get to cut loose a little. Nothing crazy, a little booze and a hit of blow if I need to be to work the next morning. But this time things were different, we were dancing and I noticed one of my male friends was kind of depressed, so naturally I try to cheer him up by getting him to dance with me. A couple songs later I realized on top of being depressed he was also pretty drunk. The dancing turned into him trying to go a bit further. He would grab me by my jeans and move me to him and grind on me. It was kind of creepy, but before I could tell him to back off he would start saying "I shouldn't be dancing with you, I'm no good..." and it made me feel bad so I just let him keep doing it. And now he keeps texting me trying to have a one-on-one date after the "great time" we had the other night. I want to let him down easily but also let him know how inappropriate he was acting. How should I handle this situation?

This problem is totally real and I'm totally a woman,

-Sh

Dear Minus S,

Depression runs deep in many men. They do not get to enjoy the life affirming experiences that women see in their lifetimes such as child birth and having another child after that first child. So as a woman it is your womanly duty to ease that depression. So you went out with a group of friends which included this depressed man? I think your heart was in the right place by trying to correct his attitude toward life, but your approach was wrong. I think trying to bring this man into your delirious state by dancing with him is perhaps going to far.

To dance is to move in a graceful or rhythmical way, but when the dance partners are in two different mental states the dance will not be... how did my first husband the dance instructor put it? ... sexy. So either the man must join you in being happy and full of life or you must join the man in his drunken handsy state.

There is a third state of being that will help your dance be a dance that lives on forever. But it will require more of you than you may be willing to give. My advice to you in the next time this situation occurs is to take the man aside and say "THE DANCE CANNOT GO ON." Let your firm statement wash over him and sober him up so that he will paying attention to the second half of this statement "UNTIL YOU IMPREGNATE ME." And then you do it, you allow him to put his child in you. You carry that child and live a clean life so that the baby may have a healthy birth. Upon release from the hospital you find a childcare attendant. Not just some hand-that-rocks-the-cradle crazy woman, but a family friend or member of your church. With your child alive and in proper care you find this man, and you tell him that with the bond that you two share in the custody of Carlos, THE DANCE CAN NOW BEGIN.

You will then dance as adults should dance, aware of each others boundaries and limits. Keeping the exact same pace as you both know you must drive the sitter home before 11PM on a school night. By doing this you turn your creepy depressed friend into the creepy depressed biological father of your child. By doing this you perform your duties as a woman. By doing this you live forever.

Thank you for your question, it takes a lot of courage to bring up a problem like that on the Internet and both I and your future baby respect you for it.

Follow These Instructions to the Letter,

-The Lady Listener