Someone let my rape jokes write a movie and called it: SUCKER PUNCH

Upon receiving the gift of a left over concession coupon book, I decided to treat myself to a movie. And that movie was SUCKER PUNCH.

You have heard the joke of a plot by now but here it is again. Sucker Punch is about a messed up girl in a mental ward who creates not 1 but 2 alternate realities to help her cope/escape. Mental institution becomes erotic dance camp, erotic dance camp becomes Final Fantasy cut scene. I feel like the VISIONARY FILMMAKER performed this setting transition whenever he ran out of ideas/talent to make the current one work. Not only do we have an unwieldily premise we have an uneasy tone that neither the people involved in making the movie or the people watching it can handle.

So we have our main character, who has a dumb name so I am going to call her VICTIM. She is a victim, her attempts to fight back are met with imprisonment, rape (not sure if this actually happened because the filmmaker is a coward), and a lobotomy (SPOILERZ). The VICTIM looks like a barely legal adult film actress no matter what setting she is acting in and she's got some friends, which all fare better aside from the High School Musical girl. Nothing in this film really counts as a performance aside from the Mad Men guy doing his Mad Men thing at the end.

The script sounds as if it was written by the biggest punk in a small town sunday school class. The type of kid who would just throw out the word nazi or molestation because he was bored and wanted to get a small group discussion off topic. When challenged why he would bring up such an unrelated topic he would just put his headphones back on or resume texting. Not accountable for what he says, just wanted attention and then couldn't figure out the right way to get it, and then didn't know what to do with the spotlight which he highjacked from the proper stars.

The women in the movie are held captive by the men, the girls formulate a generic plan and then do a triple-dream to pull it off. Or not pull it off. I can't really tell if any of them succeeded or not. About half of the movie is cut to a cover/remix of a classic song, I actually didn't mind this because it hid the terrible acting/dialouge and showcased what the director is good at, which is camera angles and transitions.

The Good:
-Zach Snyder (VISIONARY FILMMAKER) uses a really warm lens/digital finish in all of his movies and I like it. It's getting old because this is the third time in a row he's used it, but it works.
-The Mad Men guy, I said "Hey what's up?" in the theater when I saw him. Good to see him out of the Ad Agency.
- I had a coupon for free roasted almonds, they were awesome.
- Tricked the guy to let me buy a student ticket, I'm a pro like that.
- I saw it alone. All my movie friends left me so this is the ideal scenario for this stage in my life.
- The music was good
- Jamie from Real World San Diego is still acting!

The Bad:
- VICTIM's make-up, pouty face, deliberate aging down to make it more creepy or deviant
- You don't ever see the girls dance, a cut away from the action/mayhem and back to what was "really" happening would have done a lot to make this thing more watchable
- What does Sucker Punch mean? Its a joke title for a non-joke movie... a more appropriate title would be "Exploited Girls Gone Wild"
- Fighting sections could have had some/any type of correlation with each other to trick me into thinking it wasn't a complete waste of time.
- High School Musical girl was the worst part of a terrible movie
- Carla Gugino's polish accent/character was the worst thing to happen to a sweet actress
- It's a creepy creepy PG13

The Verdict:
- The movie made a bad impression on my, but at least it made an impression. I would recommend at least looking at part of it to see how misguided it is. I did not become aroused at all during this movie which I think means that I am starting to respect women.

I hate video game media #2: Women

Fact: Free time and disposable income are limited.

Fact: Video games can take up a significant portion of one's free time and disposable income.

Fact: Girls can take up a significant portion of one's free time and disposable income.

With free time and disposable income limited many people who are invested in either video games or women can often be unlearned in the other. So when a woman talks about video games she is often talking about stereotypes of video games from 1994.

"Oh my gaw'd they are so violent, I was like, why are we wasting our time at the arcade? You said you would take me to Steketies!" - A woman that I just made up in my head.

And since a woman is confused about what video games are, it is only appropriate that video game media is confused about what to do with humans with the X chromosome. Here is a hastily put together list of what women are to video game media:

Women are my GIRLFRIEND!

If you are writing a review about a game that doesn't involve shooting, it is important to mention what your girlfriend thinks/would think of it. If girlfriend does not exist please make her up or talk about "impressing ladies."

Example: The Wii is an excellent system for my GIRLFRIEND because she pretend the controller is a dwarven shake-weight.

Women are GAMERS TOO!

Just do the job of reviewing the game or previewing the game, or doing the dishes.... we don't need to bring your gender into it. The only turf war that is being waged is inside your own head. The Internet says that women don't play video games because they are the Internet and they hate everything. Your daddy may have told you that you can't be a doctor, and it turns out that's true because now you regurgitate video game press releases for a living.

Women are READING STUFF IN FRONT OF A CAMERA WEARING PROM OUTFITS

I think that anyone who reads any type of news for any type of video production should start off the segment by saying "Hello, My name is _____ and I am talking about _____ and what I say is important because of _____"

Hello, My name is Jessica Chobot and I am talking about video game strategies that aren't really strategies and what I say is important because one time I licked a PSP.

This is coming across as women-hating and it's really not my intention, I just think video game journalism is a joke. How can they cover a rapidly changing industry when they don't even know how to speak to or receive input from women. We here complaints about portrayals of women by the media and its due to the media not knowing how to utilize women period, especially in the video game sector.

Ok I'm done.

If you hurt her, I will kill you

OMG I HEARD FROM AN UNRELATED CHAIN OF PEOPLE THAT YOU MIGHT BE SEEING OSMEONE, HERE ARE THREE THINGS THAT YOU SHOULD KNOW!

1. I SOME HOW HAVE A VESTED INTEREST IN THIS THING.

You are not just seeing her, you are seeing me. But not really beause I could smell your ass coming from a mile away and I was like NOPE, even though you didn't ask. Or have ever spoken to me. Ever. BUT I FOUND YOUR CONTACT INFO! And I'm telling you if you mess with her you are messing with me. What's her name again? Yeah that's it. I'm watching you. One wrong move and I'll be on you like male nudity on SPARTACUS. And I have the power to end this thing, or change it so its more entertaining.. you know for me and the other viewers at home. My opinions are important because I once saw you and her before you you-and-her.

2. ARE YOU GUYS FIGHTING? YOU CAN TELL ME!

What's wrong. What is it? What are you guys doing? I won't tell anyone. Fine ya fruit, let me imagine what is wrong and give you advice to solve the problem I just made up. You should get her nice pajamas. And cupcakes. And a car. And the 3rd Glee soundtrack. I thought we was in this together? How can I observe your relationship from the sidelines if you don't tell me what's going on and immediately follow my advice. I promise I won't tell her (as phone is flipped open in the middle of a text that starts "you won't believe what your man said about you _________), and I certainly won't tell anyone else (text is also addressed to her entire phone book).

3. YOU TWO ARE BORING, I DON'T LIKE IT ANYMORE. YOU SHOULD END IT FOR ME.

UGH I'm sick of this. You don't talk to me, and you don't give a rip what I tell you to do for her. You won't even go on a double with me while my man is away hunting this weekend.... I think you should try something else. I don't like this anymore. I liked you better when you were trying and failing. Maybe you should go back to that, you were really good at it. And by good I mean funny.

WHAT ARE YOU GETTING HER FOR VD DAY? OH GROSS, YOU SHOULD RETURN IT AND GET HER SOME YOGA GIFT CARDS.

The positive Work Wife reviews Management Material.

My work wife Gadget would like to relay some thoughts about the most recent of my video projects, please sit and listen attentively to what she has to say regarding how I spend my free time.

So I watched Management Material this weekend. It was interesting, like a real movie. To be honest I thought you were just making this up as a reason to talk to me. But you actually did it, and before I even get started on my comments. Good for you. I feel as proud of you for making a video with a beginning middle and end as I do for Tyler Perry every time he makes a movie and sets his race back another decade. Have you ever seen a Tyler Perry movie? I feel racist for not seeing some of them in the theatre... but seriously the audience is so loud. And I'm not just saying that because they are black or obese white women (or both). I tried to see "For Colored Girls" last week and this woman screamed GET A JOB at one of the main characters, and then threw a 3 liter of Faygo at the movie screen when the character did not follow her instructions. This type of horse play is why Eddie Murphy stopped being funny.

I watched your DVD with my husband. Did I mention I have a husband? It's an exclusive relationship. At first I was scared that you had put something personal or indecent in the video to offend me but then I watched and realized that you put many things personal and indecent in the video with the goal of offending everyone. It's nice to be just a innocent bystander of your awkwardness instead of the primary target. Sometimes I wish we could hire prettier girls at our work place so you would have other people to stare/smell/"pssstt" at. One day you will find someone special, maybe she will be a temp employee who hasn't been warned about or maybe she will be that obviously photoshopped female in the picture you have on your desk. I think I would believe that you had a girlfriend more easily if you didn't trot out the picture every time you need to say something you did wasn't sexual harassment because you are "spoken for."

It's hard for me to comment on the acting in the movie as it was so inconsistent that I couldn't really see what you were going for. But of all the people involved I feel the most pity towards the young woman in the third segment. I feel like I understood what she was going through during the taping of her scenes. It's like you told her that you had a neat part for her to play, and then she comes over and realizes that its pretty much a transcript of one of your embarrassing encounters with her. I think she could have cut down on the amount of lines to memorize if you would have just rewrote the scene of have you knocking her door then her blowing a rape whistle for 3 minutes straight until the episode ended. I think that situation would be clever and also serve as a good lesson to any woman who sees you at her door or cubicle.

I feel like I've went off on some weird and off putting tangents in this review, but I also believe that is fitting for the 30+ minute movie you asked me to watch. You took a 30 second idea and ballooned it to a length that not even skilled actors and filmmakers could support.

In summary the movie was:

• playable on my DVD player
• had stereo sound
• was primarily in English
• widescreen presentation
• full color

If I were to only consider the above criteria for a review then I would say that your project was a success.

Also I've passed this DVD along to the HR Coordinator, please pack your things into one of that boxes that Staples delivers copy paper in.

Gadget.

"Kinda weird but I'll take it"

This week I'm trying to write little stories inspired by sentences that inspire me. Here is number 2:

Hello and welcome to "kinda weird but I'll take it" the dating show made specifically for messed up people like yourself. Today our lucky lady is Shemane, and she will be choosing from three lucky bachelors. Gentlemen introduce yourselves.

Umm... hey.... SLEEPY CRICKET here. I will introduce myself with three important life facts. 1. I am hip. 2... .I am not invested enough in this question to continue.

OH TOMMY!

Hi my name is C Minus and I'm hoping you can be my plus. I enjoy walking, especially if I have a dog leash or your hand to hold. I am active in many volunteer and recreational activities. I would say I live a pretty full life and I could use someone to share it with. My goals are to not work where I currently work and not live where I currently live.

Lovely. Shemale, do you have any questions for our 3 very eligible bachelors?

Bachelors, judging by the sound of my voice. What would you say to me if we met at a casual location such as a nightclub or Jimmie John's.

Have you seen the latest thing I'm interested in? Oh you have? Well I'm not doing that so much anymore. (pulls out phone, puts on sunglasses, goes to sleep).

OH TOMMY!

Why hello there! My name is C Minus. How are you today? Wonderful. I'm recovering from a rough day at work/church/home/not home but I'm remaining cautiously optimistic about my situation in life. What brings out to Jimmie John's tonight? TURKEY TOM? ME TOO! While this place doesn't have real mustard, it does have alfalfa sprouts. Alfalfa, probably my favorite word that can be typed only homerow keys. Ok I'm going to go tell SLEEPY that I talked to a real girl. Have a good night!

Bachelors. Let's say we get into an argument about where to eat. I want Jimmie Johns and you want not Jimmie John's. Where do we eat and how do you discuss it with me?

Unless Jimmie John's is what Little Caesar's is calling the Hot N' Ready's now that they aren't 5 dollars, then I am not eating no Jimmie John's. How about this. I'll get a Hot N' Ready and you get your Jimmie John's and we'll eat it at my place while I play WoW and ignore you. Hey can you look in my couch for a little bit? My brother is missing a sock.

OH TOMMY!

Listen here Shamwow I'm working for you here. If you want Jimmie John's I'll eat Jimmie's John all night long if I have to. I will take every part of my body, personality or lifestyle that you don't like and file it down until I am the most generic person that no woman could ever be offended, challenged or loved by. So when's dinner?

You all sound like very experienced and loving men. Except the first and last ones. I actually wonder if bachelors have actually seen woman in real life or if they are just making calculated assumptions based on what they discovered while looking up "hot chick" in wikipeida. But if I am wrong and you have all had a relationship before: Tell me a little about your previous relationships.

Um... uh... so I've started skateboarding karate lessons. I figured learning one skill is a lot of work but if I just picked the parts of each one I liked Old Country Buffet style I could come up with something people have never seen before and would make it tricky for them to judge me on. Want to go to Target and get some Clearance T-Shirts after this?

OH TOMMY!

OH C MINUS!?!?!??!?!

....

....

Do I have to pick one?

Yes. You don't have to go out with them we just need to just announce it on TV and have some footage of you hugging.

Well I guess my life expectancy is best if I picked Bachelor #1. So I'll choose him.

Wait... what?

OH TOMMY!

Well thanks to everyone who participated, and good luck to all of you messed up love birds out there. And just remember he might not be prince charming and he's definitely "KINDA WEIRD, BUT I'LL TAKE IT"

"Are you looking at my girlfriend"

The following is a one man one act play. You have my written and expressed consent to perform it any audition, community theater production or church talent show. But no tv, because I retain all television and animation rights.

(at a bar or church gathering)

Hey bro. Yeah you. I know what you are doing... and I don't like it. Part of me doesn't blame you but the part of me that aint my wang needs you to stop scrapping on my scrill. This don't gotta get physical but if you keep peeping; the blood is gonna start pouring. I worked hard for that chick man and I can't just have you here filling your eyes up for free. Fine man, you wanna play it like that? Let's take it outside then.

(outside)

Whew, it's cold here outside. Sorry about all that tough talk, she just really gets into it when I defend her honor, and lately no one's been attacking it so I gotta make up altercations to get her turned on. Actually would you mind going back in there and doing a bit more than not looking at her? Just get a little handsy, make it seem like an accident at first. Then I'll come in all big and bad and lay your creepface out. I mean but not really though, I do community theater and I'm really good at stage fighting. You'll be in control the whole time. What? Oh come on bro it'll be awesome, you might even get some digits out of it yourself! Just go in the side door and I'll follow in about 30 seconds.

(back inside bar or church gathering)

What the heck bro?! Thought I told you twice already, seems like the lessons I taught you faded faster than the black eyes I gave you. Don't give me that "what face" this aint no community theater production, I'm gonna gut you with this box cutter I found at work. It's got my coworker Steve's name on it so no one will even suspect it was me that sliced you. I'll do it man, all for the honor of my baby. That's right baby you wanna see me cut something off this guy don't you? Maybe take the removed appendage back home and use on whatever slot I'm not filling. Yeah baby you just keep getting yourself warmed up and I'll take care of this guy. (mouth's the words "come here" to other guy as he follows me out)

(outside)

DUDE THAT WAS SO AWESOME! You are an amazing actor, its like you are almost a lecherous dude in real life. Alright change of plans, I need you to smear this ketchup packet on your hands and then come back under the guise of you beating me in a fight. Then you just ask her to take you back to her place. OF COURSE SHE'LL SAY YES! Might be through tears but she'll be begging for it. Then when you are halfway through it I need you to give out some type of warcry in an octave or two high than your normal voice so I know its time. When I hear it I'm gonna barge in the room like I caught up with you guys... we are going to push each other around a bit then realize we are both in her bedroom for the same thing. Then we just go at it with each other romantically. Leaving her to just stand there and watch us and be all like "WTF?" Yeah... that'll show her.

Hey bro.... where you going bro. This plan's gonna work, we got her just where we want her. Why are you getting in your car? I can give you more lines? This'll be awesome. Fine douche have fun taking care of yourself tonight, gonna be the only loving you gonna get.

Dear Lady Listener- Week 2

In an effort to balance out the sheer masculinity of C Minus and Sleepy Cricket. The boys have enlisted a wise friend of the family. She is the definition of success with multiple college courses attended and over 3 marriages performed through to completion. She will be answering one female reader's question each week. Please submit questions in this post's comments section for future consideration.

Dear Lady Listener,

Thank you so much for answering women's questions on the blog. I originally came here because it was the highest ranked google site for the search term "Jon Purdy hot pix" but I stuck around because of your wisdom.

Here's my situation: The other night, my guy friend asked if I wanted to come over to his place and hang out and watch a movie. I thought, "hey, I love movies!" so away I went. We watched a movie, ate some snacks, watched the cool lightening storm, and listened to nerdy music (read: marching bands). Next thing I knew, we were making out. Then suddenly it was 2am and I was falling asleep snuggled on the couch. The suddenly we were in his bed because it's bigger than the couch! I noticed that he was breathing more quickly than the average sleeping person, so i asked if he was ok - no worries, he was fine, just doesn't usually sleep much anyway.

A few minutes later, when I was nearly zonked out, he said "ok, well if you want me to be completely honest, I kinda need to rub one off." And then a few minutes after that, he asked me if I'd be willing to help him out with that. So I pretended I was completely asleep.

End of story?

-Ms. Macro

Dear Ms. Macro,

I feel like this situation was a missed opportunity for both of you. Your right hand man missed out on the chance to pursue and actual relationship with a female. On one hand (preferably the one he didn't pleasure himself with) I respect him for directly addressing the following true statements:

"I am aroused"

I will assume that the gentleman was actually aroused at the moment and didn't need you to stimulate him to the state of being ready for the rubbing out process. Before we disect this statement. Congratulations! Not everyone can bring a manfriend to this point (bloggers note: the percentage is pretty high though so don't get all cocky about it. Bwahahaha). So he is not trying to hide the fact that he is feeling stimulated, so far this seems to be an honest man and I believe that you should commend him on that fact.

"There is a woman here"

The boytoy acknowledges your presence as both a person in the nearby area and as a woman who he would be willing to make out with (assuming he was not drugged to reach this point). I think having a man see you for what gender you are, a woman, is an important part in any relationship.

"I would like to take this arousal to the next level"

Here is a man who knows where he wants to go with his evening. I think a man who is committed to a direction in his life or even his evening is definitely something to be valued, especially to us as women who frequently don't know what to do with our lives in between pregnancies.

"This woman has stated interest in my well being"

It's a bit late into my response to be saying this but your question of "are you ok?" could have been taken as "is there any bodily fluid I can help you discharge this evening?" He probably took a moment to reflect on the inventory of his various liquids and felt that his manjuice would the best fit for your skill set.

"I kinda need to rub one off"

I was 100% on this man's side until you mentioned he said this to you. Never have I been more disgusted as a medical professional or as a woman. The nerve of this man!

Rubbing one off is the world's leading waste of human seed and this man is just causually asking you to participate in the murder of untold hundreds of potential people. In your fake sleep you showed a great deal of composure and restraint. If I were in your postion I would have slapped him in the face and then demanded he impregnate me right then and there. Every seed is a gift and I have yet to see a toilet or tube sock carry a child to term.

I think you did all the things a woman should do when trying to get pregnant, watch a movie, listen to band music, make out.... but when it came down to it the man just didn't respect you or the insemination process enough to make a complete child bearing request of you.

My final thoughts on the subject would be to not let this situation affect you in your quest to produce as many offspring as the public welfare system can handle. If your intentions are true, you will find many willing and able partners who will be able to eloquently ask your permission to get up in them guts.

Keep on Truckin'

- The Lady Listener

Dear Lady Listener- Week 1

In an effort to balance out the sheer masculinity of C Minus and Sleepy Cricket. The boys have enlisted a wise friend of the family. She is the definition of success with multiple college courses attended and over 3 marriages performed through to completion. She will be answering one female reader's question each week. Please submit questions in this post's comments section for future consideration.

Dear Lady Listener,

Thank you for everything that you do, your previous articles for this blog have helped me and many other women get through the struggles of being women.

My concern is that this past weekend I went out with some friends, both female and male, to various bars and clubs. As I am getting older I have less time to do this sort of thing so I really value the times I just get to cut loose a little. Nothing crazy, a little booze and a hit of blow if I need to be to work the next morning. But this time things were different, we were dancing and I noticed one of my male friends was kind of depressed, so naturally I try to cheer him up by getting him to dance with me. A couple songs later I realized on top of being depressed he was also pretty drunk. The dancing turned into him trying to go a bit further. He would grab me by my jeans and move me to him and grind on me. It was kind of creepy, but before I could tell him to back off he would start saying "I shouldn't be dancing with you, I'm no good..." and it made me feel bad so I just let him keep doing it. And now he keeps texting me trying to have a one-on-one date after the "great time" we had the other night. I want to let him down easily but also let him know how inappropriate he was acting. How should I handle this situation?

This problem is totally real and I'm totally a woman,

-Sh

Dear Minus S,

Depression runs deep in many men. They do not get to enjoy the life affirming experiences that women see in their lifetimes such as child birth and having another child after that first child. So as a woman it is your womanly duty to ease that depression. So you went out with a group of friends which included this depressed man? I think your heart was in the right place by trying to correct his attitude toward life, but your approach was wrong. I think trying to bring this man into your delirious state by dancing with him is perhaps going to far.

To dance is to move in a graceful or rhythmical way, but when the dance partners are in two different mental states the dance will not be... how did my first husband the dance instructor put it? ... sexy. So either the man must join you in being happy and full of life or you must join the man in his drunken handsy state.

There is a third state of being that will help your dance be a dance that lives on forever. But it will require more of you than you may be willing to give. My advice to you in the next time this situation occurs is to take the man aside and say "THE DANCE CANNOT GO ON." Let your firm statement wash over him and sober him up so that he will paying attention to the second half of this statement "UNTIL YOU IMPREGNATE ME." And then you do it, you allow him to put his child in you. You carry that child and live a clean life so that the baby may have a healthy birth. Upon release from the hospital you find a childcare attendant. Not just some hand-that-rocks-the-cradle crazy woman, but a family friend or member of your church. With your child alive and in proper care you find this man, and you tell him that with the bond that you two share in the custody of Carlos, THE DANCE CAN NOW BEGIN.

You will then dance as adults should dance, aware of each others boundaries and limits. Keeping the exact same pace as you both know you must drive the sitter home before 11PM on a school night. By doing this you turn your creepy depressed friend into the creepy depressed biological father of your child. By doing this you perform your duties as a woman. By doing this you live forever.

Thank you for your question, it takes a lot of courage to bring up a problem like that on the Internet and both I and your future baby respect you for it.

Follow These Instructions to the Letter,

-The Lady Listener

A revised social contract between myself and every single woman*

*age appropriate and non-related woman

At the time of this writing (9/30/2010, 10:11 PM) I am in a relationship (with a girl). But enough about her, ladies* I'm here to talk about me and you*. I present to you* revisions to the social contract that was first published on October 10, 1996.

Section 5: I will say creepy things to you*

If you will refer to the previous social contract between myself and every single woman you will see that in section 5 I promise to say lecherous things to every single woman*, with a 70% chance that I am just kidding. That "just kidding" will be dropped down to 15% if the woman is actually interested in performing/pantomiming the disturbing thing I mentioned to the woman*.

Now that I am in a committed relationship the formula has been revised as follows:

When significant other does not know woman*

75% Chance I will say creepy thing to woman*

10% Chance that I am not kidding if woman* is interested

5% Chance that I am not kidding if woman* is not interested

When significant other knows woman*

50% Chance I will say creepy thing to woman*

25% Chance that I am not kidding if woman* is interested

20% Chance that I am not kidding if woman* is not interested

Do you like to camp? Because I'm pitching a tent.

Section 18: Agreement on music/movies/television

In the previous social contract it was said that my entertainment interests will be the exact same as the prettiest woman* within 50 yards. This not only is no longer the case and there is a 99% chance that every woman's* interests are wrong. Not just incompatible with my preferences, but straight up wrong.

Lady Gaga sucks. A Goofy Movie sucks. Glee sucks.

Section 47: Back-Rub Hug

As per the previous blog post, I regret to inform all women* and John Purdy that the gravy train is over. I still reserve the right to smell your hair.

Section 68: Paying for stuff

Please find section 68 in the Social Contract and rip it out because I aint paying for nothing.

Section 76: Hanging out at my parents' house

Women* are no longer welcome to hang out at my parents' house unless we have direct supervision. And we won't so you can't. Why do women* want to come over anyway? Netflix is only 9 dollars a month for streaming and it will run on any computer or current videogame system. You* certainly weren't coming over for the pleasure of my company.

Section 100: Having my baby

Me being in a relationship does not change the fact that I am going to put a baby in every woman* as soon as I figure out a way to do it that's not considered cheating. Look out ladies* you are about to be taking on some spawn.

Despite me being in a relationship (which will probably end when she reads this) and the fact that I am still going to put a baby inside either you or a woman* you love: I'm still the same guy. It's just the social contract and a couple of my motivations have changed ever so slightly.

The Retirement of Backrub-Hug

That's it I'm done. I made something beautiful and it turns out you ladies and Jon Purdy just can't handle it. But before I retire my favorite physical form of endearment. I would like to give a brief eulogy of the back rub hug:

The backrub hug was developed a couple of years ago and given a select group of people I care about (just women and occasionally Jon Purdy). To execute the backrub-hug you simply embrace in a hug then instead of just placing your hands on the back you lightly rub their back for just a second. Nothing creepy, just an additional layer of "I KNOW YOU" on top of an already nice gesture.

And that was my thing for a very select few women and Jon Purdy. And in the beginning it was nice. But then you ladies and Jon Purdy started being bia's about it. Everyone hugs differently; some people pat the back, some people caress the buttocks, some people smell your hair, and some people just stand their trying not to show physical signs of arousal. One time a guy hugged me and it didn't end until I was in the trunk of his car going across state-lines. For 99% of the populace I just hugged, and the additional ladies and Jon Purdy got that extra 1%.

But then it started getting out of hand. People who got the backrub-hug started forgetting that I did that and were all like "WTF?" and then people who didn't get it would be all like "WTF what?" Then the backrub-hugged would tell the non-backrub-hugged about the backrub-hug and then the non-backrubbed-hugged would have their feelings hurt about their back not being backrub-hugged.

It's a hug, not rock-paper-scissors. Society has taken something beautiful that I made and turned it into something sick.

I have given my last back-rub hug, and the last recipient didn't even appreciate it.