This did not happen.

As C Minus was strolling down the road towards home at twilight, a wind gusted the hair whimsically from his face. Just then, an object softly struck his knees. C Minus panned his vision downward and saw a hat resting gracefully at his feets.
"What now?" wondered C, inquizically and swooned to snatch the head-topper.
"Thank you good sir!" said an undistant voice cheerfully. "I almost thought it was lost for sure!"
"Oh, this is yours?" asked C, the newly rising moon glowing in his face.
"Indeed. Could you hand it yonder?" the first starlight twinkled in the stranger's eye.
"Who are you?" C Minus asked, artificially.
"I'm just a man whose intentions are good. I tell stories that are overly-dramatic and have intentional misspellments. I also offer rants, both negative and positive, about things nobody cares about. I also may have deeper magic, but only if you give me back my fedora."
"A fedora?" C asked, sounding confused. "Funny name, that's what I'll call you."
"Call me? {BEEP} me." The Fedora man swore.
"Gross. No. I have a stupid blog thingie where I pretend people read and care what I have to say, and I want you to help contribute to it. And no names, so you shall henceforth be known as The Fedora."
"Sounds rousing" The Fedora creeped, making C Minus instantly regret the decision. "So what are you called?"
"C Minus." Making The Fedora instantly regret the decision.

Biopsy Results

Dear Mr Minus,

Despite having the cyst removed from your back-shoulderish area less than 12 hours ago we have received the biopsy results of the big flesh boogery thing we pulled out. The good news is it is not cancerous, so whatever plague dwells in you will have to simmer for a bit longer while you go about making the most of your life while you still have it.

Enough foreplay lets get on with the break down of this chunk. The blotch is composed of a variety of things but it is all 100% gross. While the extraction was clean (aside from the pint of blood that spewed out when I stabbed you with the capri sun straw) there may be fragments of each of these parts dwelling within you.

The cyst was 40% regret. Those dreams you used to have of being a writer, video game designer, Jonathan Taylor Thomas stunt double and filmmaker were all tasted in the sample. With this splotch cut out of you, your feelings of disappointment of where you work and how you live should slowly fade from your memory. My medical colleges and I don't know whether to say your welcome or we are sorry for the loss of regret in your life. If it makes you feel any better I think my medical assistant left her thimble in the stitched up area. Don't worry about returning it, we'll get it back when we deal with the infection.

The cyst was 60% WTF? This thing is really sick. I don't know what to do with it. Can you take this with you on your way out? Is it too late for use to sew back in you? What about some other medical waste, can we will you up with that? You have some loose skin from your weight loss so that could really help us out. Our dumpster is overflowing and I think OSHA is swinging by later today. What if we mounted the cyst for you as if it was a large and rare fish that you caught. I think that would be an excellent conversation piece.

Anyways thank you for letting us practice cutting into you and taking stuff out. Because you couldn't see the operating area; I let some of my interns and a visiting elementary class take a crack at the operation. By now the nova-cane that we put in you should be wearing off and we apologize about the pain/arousal now that you are no longer numb in the area. Also your insurance declined to cover the operation and is also asking you to bare some of the cost of your coworkers elective gastric bypass.

Peace Playa,

A licensed Doctor

See attached for a pic of your baby/cyst:

Ok ABC its time to take a break.

ABC we need to talk. You've had a couple decent years, but I think you are at a point were you need to take the rest of the Television season off and figure out what the heck your plan is. You are at a crossroads, are you going to be successful like CBS or are you going to be a joke like NBC. I want you to take a step back and think of the following 5 signs that you are going off the rails.

At 9:12 PM Tuesday I just watched that one chick from Firefly unhinge her alien jaw, eat a live rat and then spit that rat into a baby's mouth.

I have seen in total 25 minutes of the show V (I keep wanting to write for Vendetta after it), that 25 minutes might be split into 2 minutes of every episode produced. Just give up on the show. No one likes it and those neilsen families you paid off to say they watched it aren't worth the damage you are doing to America by keeping this crap on the air. When the Olive Garden ad during the first commercial break has better acting, special effects and writing then your program... just take that as a sign that you need to stop.

She has been on local TV for over 20 years and I still have no idea who this "Miranda" witch is or why her opinions on local events matter.

She just told me that she will be highlighting a technical center or something. Miranda and this "face of 4" chick probably have dementia to a level where you could just stop recording them and they would still think they are TV.

Every actor on every ABC show looks like their previous work included all the "talky" parts of pornography.

Maybe its my terrible HD tv or maybe its their awful makeup and wrinkle concelor, but everyone on this network looks they are an inflatable toy used at bachelor parties and my Wednesday lunch breaks.

BRING BACK TGIF YOU TERRORISTS!

You don't even have to come up with new show ideas (not that you would ever do that in the first place). I want the following television line up with new episodes and all the actors playing their current ages but in the same situations as they were in in their heyday.

8:00PM Family Matters (with buff Urkel)

8:30PM Boy Meets World (turn this into a Wonder Years crossover episode)

9:00PM Dana Carvey Show (I know it wasn't on Fridays but shut up)

9:30PM Step By Step (with zombified Suzanne Summers)

Everyone on your next work displays an irritating amount of cleavage regardless of age or gender

Congratulations ABC you hired someone from the old V show/miniseries/movie/drug trip... but now she's 60-something and shouldn't be wearing a V top cut down to her nips.

I didn't intentionally say V top because she was in the V show but I will end on that delightful happenstance.

Grey's Anatomy Sucks. Lost wasn't good after season 1. Jimmy Kimmel is ok but I'm not allowed to stay up that late.

Sometimes I am happy when I lose things because it means I won't break them.

It is 12:07AM. My wallet has been missing for at least 4 hours and its last confirmed existence was at 1:30PM at the Applebee's booth under the giant poster of Lee Anne Rimes. I have torn one of my rooms apart looking for it but will not continue the search because it upsets me.

I tried to do a routine update on my Wii and the thing decided to not load any software after the update was patched in. I am afraid to reset the console because the whole ordeal has upset me.

I was honest in an email response to the various youth leaders/involved parents in my church. The email has provoked many people to come out of the woodwork and I am taking at least a one day boycot of reading any more of their responses because their tone and the fact they only read half of my email has upset me.

I was supposed to have a miniscule back operation performed on 1/14. My phone just beeped at me telling me the operation is 1/12. I have not made arrangements regarding this new date and time. I will confirm appointment tomorrow but I will not tell my work about the update because my work place upsets me.

It is 12:12AM, I have to get up for work in 5 hours. On anything less than 7 hours of sleep I am in a terrible mood and will not operate effectively. I refuse to go to sleep in the near future because my lack of sleep upsets me.

I need to go to the gym more often. On Friday I canceled my gym membership because my lack of ambition upsets me.

I clicked on a movie to watch on Netflix instant because it had "Minkus" from Boy Meets World in it. I fast forwarded to his first recognizable scene to watch him violently bashing in the head of a minority in a very disturbing fashion. I shut the movie off because that image of Minkus upsets me.

The fact Applebee's no longer offers the "Unlmited Pick 2" upsets me.

Applebee's telling me they don't have my wallent when they totally have my wallet upsets me.

I don't know what to do with the camera that I stabbed the LCD screen with my car keys. Everytime I see the camera it upsets me.

The fact that SLEEPY CRICKET no longer posts/reads this blog upsets me.

"If you hate your job so much you should just quit"

How are you? You seem down? What's going on? You just got out of work! You hate it don't you? Just say it. Everyone knows you are the guy who hates his job, they know this because I tell them.

So we have established that you hate your job because you don't want to give me a piggy back ride or other stupid crap directly after work. What are we going to do about this situation? Of course I'm going to help, I got connections. And if I can manage to get myself a job I should be able to bum some spare change for you as well.

Forward me a copy of your resume and references, and for s&g's write a cover letter. I don't know what kind of career I am going to find you so just write the cover letter as if you are applying to be worth my time. Get that stuff to me tonight I'm going to be meeting some people after I abrubtly leave this conversation. The people are totally real and they totally have the jobs you want.

(conversation repeats for the rest of my relationship with this person until one day they actually come up with an option)

Oh hey what's up? Yeah still at your job. You still hate it don't you. Oh that's my guy, always hating his job. You hating your job is what I love about you. Options? What? Oh job options that I said I had for you because I awkwardly forced the conversation on to your career even though we are barely acquantances. Yeah well I got 2 options for you:

Option 1: Arizona.

I don't have what we call "connections" but it is a state and I can get you directions to it. Just watch out for the sun, if your skin drops a couple shades the locals might try to throw you across the border. You are a US citizen right?

Option 2: If you hate your job so much you should just quit.

Dude you should. Sometimes not having any money is the best way to get money. You should just do it. I knew a guy onetime. You should just quit. Be all like in that movie where the guy was like "you suck, you suck, you suck, you suck" and then point at cool guy and be like "you're cool. I'M OUT!"

Yeah so let me know how it goes. Oh and can you see if your place is hiring?