Have a good day

The look on the young girl’s face while she brought the pregnancy test to the counter brought a tear to my eye and a prayer to my heart.

I saw in her eyes friends, education, careers, and a life of joy cowering in fear of diapers, crying, doctors visits, and constant attention.

I saw on her lips an attempt at bravery, but on her brow worry.

I sensed the crossroads and indecision. The choice as well as the choicless.

I felt her load, weighing down the air around us.

I thought of a hundred comforting words to say, but chose only four.

I said “Have a good day.”

And meant every word.

A service I would pay a premium for

I hate debt and I hate bills. I have been known to go without just to avoid a recurring fee. I lived at home for the past 2 years mainly to avoid the 300-600 a month in "independence" expenses. I told people that living at home gave me the freedom to do whatever I wanted with my life, which was a lie because I worked at a job I CENSORED mainly to avoid the feeling that I would be trapped in my current living situation forever.

But that's what I wasn't willing to pay for. Here is what I am willing to pay for.

I currently pay 90 dollars a month for phone service, 40 for the calling plan (which I use maybe 10% of), 30 for internet (now tolerable with 3G) and 20 for texting. I would pay 180 dollars a month if I had a written guarantee that people would pick up my calls or at least return my messages. I'm not some stalker or anything, I think most of the people I try to communicate with appreciate my existence in their life, but they are either lazy or feel that they are better than me.

Case in point: I do you a favor and ask for feedback on favor. "Is this good enough?" I asked someone this a while ago and it was something that they were reasonably concerned about. I hear nothing. Not only do I hear nothing but I see them wasting time posting frivolous bullshot on facebook. Listen lady this is part 1 of 5 unpaid obligations I'm doing for you and you can't even tell me if I'm on the right track? I will double the 40 dollars a month I pay for home Internet if the Internet promises me that my recipeients would treat me with at least the same respect they treat cat macros (this rant is against a composite person and its not you or anyone you know so get off your high horse).

Case in double point: I apply for a job and here nothing back. This is worse than the form rejection letter that 10% of companies have the decency to cut and paste to me. I would pay a ten dollar admission fee for every job I apply to (this would be thousands of dollars) if two things were promised:

1. A live human with the authority to move me anywhere forward in the HR process looked at my resume/cover letter for more than 30 seconds.

2. The job exists and is actually available to outside hires.

3. I get a YES, NO, or TRY BACK LATER response in 30 days of applying.

Ok I'm done. How far did everyone make it on the poem that was posted yesterday? I made it to the third line. I bookmarked it and will try to read it sober some time.

Also: I ate a bunch of rasins and I think its starting to catch up with my waste management system.

The girl without the dragon tatoo

The look on the young girl’s face while she brought the pregnancy test to the counter brought a tear to my eye and a prayer to my heart.
I saw in her eyes friends, education, careers, and a life of joy cowering in fear of diapers, crying, doctors visits, and constant attention.
I saw on her lips an attempt at bravery, but on her brow worry.
I sensed the crossroads and indecision.
The choice as well as the choicless.
I felt her load, weighing down the air around us.
I thought of a hundred comforting words to say, but chose only four.
I said “Have a good day.”
And meant every word.

You can't yell at me on my day off

Thursday at 12:00 PM I realized I messed up something at work. Here is a chart demonstrating what caused this:

Reasons for Mistake

This type of issue happens once a day for me. But I usually catch it and correct it by the doing the following.

How I Catch My Mistakes at Work

But on Thursday I didn't catch the mistake, one that probably won't seriously impact anyone, but it will be noticed. And considering the day after is Good Friday, no one will have anything to do at work aside from cry about it. And cry they did.

But after I caught this error, I contacted the error-ed party as a CYA maneuver. I got a stay of repercussions until Monday.... at least I got verbal confirmation that nothing would come back on me til Monday. Usually 3 days after a mistake is made the reasons for mistake are muddyed enough that the guilty party is harder to find.

About a half hour after I got the verbal agreement from slighted party, I was given the option of taking Friday off. An option which I opted for as the only thing I would have to do on Friday is dwell on my mistake and stare/smell at some coworkers.

10AM Friday was when the verbal truce I forged was destroyed. And now we have everyone messing their undies without me to negotiate a calm down. After some phone calls the situation was put on back burner until Monday again, with the ominous threat from manager that we would talk about it then.

So I get to enjoy the rest of the weekend with the threat of repercussions, not only that, I finally get a response from an internal job that would remove me from these people on Friday as well. Second interview is now a go, but any reference check at my location would probably only revolve around my latest mistake.

Since my career repercussion is delayed until Monday I have personally punished myself by grounding me from driving until the weekend is over.

I told myself that I would only write about music/movies and games from here on out but this situation has been dwelling in my soul for the past couple days and I wanted to get it out of me.

Let me know if you would like to review my recently update resume,

C-Minus

Spinster discusses this quarter's INVENTORY

SATURDAY 6:55AM
I am so excited for the inventory presentation that will take place in 5 minutes. Everyone cool from the plant is here, all of those filthy hourly employees are at home with their families and sponsors, just us salaried personnel and management. Oh look C-Minus didn't shower, even my cat gives itself baths! Multiple Bath's a day if you are the cat's private area. Not that I'm counting, but he gets so affectionate after he washes down there its hard to miss the corelation. Oh I'm gonna say a shrill good morning before we get started

SATURDAY 6:59
"GOOD MORNING COMPANY! ISN"T EVERYONE THRILLED TO BE HERE?"

SATURDAY 7:01
Oh what non-inventory related things will I talk to people about today? Weekend plans of course, OR WHAT"S LEFT OF WEEKEND PLANS!? HA I mentally crack myself up sometimes. Stay serious face so it looks like I'm paying attention.

SATURDAY 7:30
Presentation is over and they are all filing out with their heads down. I'm gonna offer one of them a high five. C-Minus has a couple minutes of youth left, he'll get it

SATURDAY 7:31
C-MINUS HIGH FIVE FOR GOOD LUCK!

SATURDAY 7:32
DON'T LEAVE ME HANGING LIKE THE EXTENDED FAMILY MEMBERS THAT NO LONGER TAKE MY CALLS

SATURDAY 7:33
Inventory task #1: Tweet the nieces to see if they want to see Beastly at Celebration Cinema during Inventory lunch time.

SATURDAY 9:45
OH BEASTLY WAS A BLAST! That guy was so handsome as the beauty and the beast! Makes me want to go back 30 years and not give up on men moments after they as a gender gave up on me. Glad I previewed it before inviting the nieces, just got a tweet back which said no but I'll be ready if they change their minds later today. Are those jokers done counting yet? I should see if the plant manager is available to hear some of my cat church stories, which are stories about the Universalist Church that I made on my back porch. We don't talk down the the kitties like the Catholics or the dumpster by Burger King.

SATURDAY 10:00 AM
Oh boy, my second favorite part of the day, I get to page everyone to the break room to get their quarterly donut.

"ATTENTION INVENTORY CREWS, IT IS BREAK TIME AND FOR THE NEXT 15 MINUTES YOU CAN ENJOY A DONUT AND EACH OTHER'S COMPANIONSHIP. I'M SO LONELY. WILL THE SWEATIEST MAN PLEASE REPORT TO THE SPINSTER SECTION OF THE OFFICE SO THAT I MAY SMELL YOU."

SATURDAY 10:15 AM
I really shouldn't have eaten that donut, what with my diabetes and all. I sold my insulin to the former body builder on 2nd shift so I'm just going to sleep in my car til I level off.

SATURDAY 2:00 PM
Oh wow, that 15 minute nap hit the spot. I can't feel my feet but the donut was worth it. Inventory is the best day. Wait, why are people heading to their cars.

"Hey C Minus, I run this inventory. Get back to counting. WHAT DO YOU MEAN THE INVENTORY IS DONE? I DIDN'T DISMISS YOU!"

SATURDAY 2:05 PM
And here I am alone again, the desolatation of the parking lot reminds my of my apartment and my heart. Well I guess I'll spend my Saturday afternoon like any other 54 year old single woman would, by going to the mall and trying to make friends with 14 year olds.

TILL NEXT QUARTER!

- SPINSTER

Dear Dave Ramsey: Should I buy a PS3

I no longer feel the urge to be funny or put time into writing these posts anymore. I understand if you no longer feel compelled to read this.

I mentioned that I might be purchasing a Playstation 3 (2nd time is a charm) to some of my youth. They instructed me to go through the 5 steps that learned in their Dave Ramsey Financial Peace class, this is a class where their well paid instructor plays Dave Ramsey CD's for them and then goes on the news and cries about funding for public education. Also I think using this stuff in a non-authorized class is a violation of the terms of use on the material. I am tempted to report the class because I have the moral high ground and don't like lazy teachers.

I only half listened to what the youth was saying but thought I would take me through the 2.5 steps before making the plunge.

Question 1: Do you know everything about this product before you buy it?

Yes. I know mainly because I owned one before any decent games came out for it and then sold it before the price dropped. If I got one I might cancel my Xbox Live Gold account which would be around 40-50 dollars a year in savings (I don't play online that much anymore and Netflix is free on PS3).

Here are some games that I want to play that are PS3 exclusive:

Heavy Rain

Uncharted 1 and 2

Little Big Planet 2

Blueray does not interest me so that's not really a selling point.

Question 2: Have you thought about it at least 24 hours?

I've held off buying one for a while, I was close to pulling the trigger on black friday but had SLEEPYCRICKET and brother restrain me from doing so. They were bad friends for fufilling that task because it was a great deal.

Question 3: (This is where I stopped paying attention) Will it improve your life?

Not really. Aside from the games listed above I already have an Xbox 360 and special Wii. BUT I want to try the games listed above. My life does not suck for lack of video games, it probably sucks in small reason due to the abundance of video games. Thanks Mario, I COULDA' BEEN A DOCTOR.

Question 4: Is it going to find you a new job or move you out of your mother's basement?

Nope, if anything it will do the opposite.

Also I got called at 3AM to go to work because our shipping department mislabeled some products that shipped and this wasn't caught until a customer had to shut a major manufacturing facility down due to the short notice that they didn't have any parts. So I make my 30+ minute voyage, get there at 3:45AM (unshowered in half pj's half crap clothes) deal with it, continue working until 3PM because my coworker was being a seaworld about having to cover 10 minutes of work for me to go home early. Also a backup supervisor (not mine) had called me a mf'ing cry baby that should go cry because that's what mf'ing cry babies do.

Question 5: Oh just quit being a penny pincher and buy the thing.

OK!

Speaking at different volumes

Last night, while at work, I became sick. I started getting a progressively worsening sore throat which kept me from speaking very loudly. At it's peak, I was barely whispering the routine lines to the customers. "Hi, how are you?"
They would then respond with a loud, jovial "Just fine! How are you?"
"Fine thanks"
"OH! Cat got your tongue? Frog in your throat? Gone hoarse?" (What is it with using animals as scapegoats for our sicknesses?)

Now when two people are plotting or gossiping, they both tend to speak at the same, low volume, but when one person is whispering becuase they are sick, the other person has no reason to be quiet and must feel compelled to take up the slack.
For some reason, this was just very awkward to be a part of.

Finally a person I want to be like when I grow up

One guy I don't want to end up like.

Another guy I don't want to end up like

I've been thinking about writing these for a while and they have not turned out well for all the forethought that went into them. Oh well I had a big drive this weekend and a couple of my friendships are in flux so we are just gonna have to plow through.

There is one person at my job who I would like to turn out to be like as I get more comfortable in my adulthood. He isn't much of a shot caller at the workplace but he is well respected due to his performance and his calm nature.

That is something I want as a grown up "calm." Not only do I want to be calm but I want to be content being calm. It's tough for me to do that now. If something isn't going wrong it is almost like I see an NBA style shot clock ticking down the seconds until I sabotage myself. I crave peace at my job but I also talk a whole lot of trash on instant messenger/bathroom walls at work. But my manidol has it all down pat. He has been coming to me recently with some stuff to look up regarding end of the year business. Due to his calm and considerate nature I will normally drop things that are a much higher priority to help him. The psycho forklift guy is gonna scream whether I am timely with his stuff or late so I might as well help someone who knows how to control their emotions.

I often present myself as someone of an analytical mindset, this is a lie and not a very good one. I am more emotional than my mother and she is barely functional without her hormone pills. I forcefully push them down to be more like my manidol, but it just comes across as fake. My attempts clear and direct communication makes me sound like the Jigsaw Killer from Saw.

Another reason why I look up to my manidol is that he cares about his work and coworkers at the level where it is healthy, but he is at work because he has a life to support. I see a large picture by his desk of his kids and grandkids and I understand that his heart lies with them. His efforts are to do his job and go home at a reasonable hour. He will occasionally contribute a joke or something but he understands that there are no winners in the company pissing contest. Today as the ONE and TWO people I don't want to end up like tried to dominate the discussion of today's blizzard; my manidol focused on getting his work done and retreating to the safety of his family. When I ran a small business, one of my sayings was "I need you to show up to work, and show up TO WORK" my manidol does both and he might actually be the only one in the office who does this.

Despite never having a real conversation with my manidol, I can tell that he loves and is loved by many, he also is aware of this love coming in and out of him as he performs his job. That's what I want. I want to be able to have something real (unlike our first person I don't want to end up like) and I want that thing to be more important than my immediate needs and wants (unlike our second person I don't want to end up like). I think I'm on the right track in certain areas, but there are days like today and blog posts like this that show me I have a significant change of slipping into anti-rolemodels 1 or 2.

In other news: Could our prodigal son be returning? I DOUBT IT BUT LETS KEEP PRAYING FOR HIM!

ONE person that I don't want to be like when I grow up

Everyday at work I encounter two people who occupy my mind far more than they deserve to. The men are very different from each other but equal in that I equally fear growing up and becoming either of them, both of their lives/attitudes are very real possibilities for me and that is scary. Today's post will be about the first person, the next person will be later this week and maybe I'll talk about what I do want later this week.

I do not want to be a sad lonely bachelor when I grow up.

Man #1 is a good hearted person and seems relatively effective at his job. I do not want to be like him because from my outside view leads a very sad life. I get this strong feeling from him because it resonates from almost everyone of his actions. He will greet me first thing in the morning, and ask how my night was, I will feed him a summary of lies/non-offensive material and pray he will be on his way. On most days though he will tell me about his life, and its not pretty. His life as someone 15 -ish years older than me is pretty much my life 5 years ago without the college or potential.

His nights are as follows:

1. Go home

2. Feed dog/Walk dog

3. Look at sports

4. Watch movie

5. Play videogames

6. Watch more sports

7. Make up some story about talking with a friend who may not exist

8. Plan tomorrow's post-work activities

9. Sleep at 9:30PM so that you can get in early to talk to people at work

What would sound empty at 22 or 27 depresses the hell out of me at his current age. And this is an employee that my workplace is happy with. I think that they would hold him up for others in a similar position to look to as an example. And I think he performs his job well, its just using this man as an example might also have someone look at the rest of his life and ask "is that it?" Where is the progress? Where is the basic human interaction? Maybe those 9 things are an elaborate and boring cover story so that Man #1 can be the real life version of Dexter in his spare time. On top of the lonely nights this man leads, I see the depression in the way that he follows man of his sentences with a nervous laughter which reminds of a natural born citizen version of Tommy Wiseau.

This article was going to talk about another person I work with but I'm going to save that for next time. I drove from Michigan to Florida straight this weekend, the trip was long but uneventful. I appreciate those who gave a turd, I am annoyed by those who didn't

"If you hate your job so much you should just quit"

How are you? You seem down? What's going on? You just got out of work! You hate it don't you? Just say it. Everyone knows you are the guy who hates his job, they know this because I tell them.

So we have established that you hate your job because you don't want to give me a piggy back ride or other stupid crap directly after work. What are we going to do about this situation? Of course I'm going to help, I got connections. And if I can manage to get myself a job I should be able to bum some spare change for you as well.

Forward me a copy of your resume and references, and for s&g's write a cover letter. I don't know what kind of career I am going to find you so just write the cover letter as if you are applying to be worth my time. Get that stuff to me tonight I'm going to be meeting some people after I abrubtly leave this conversation. The people are totally real and they totally have the jobs you want.

(conversation repeats for the rest of my relationship with this person until one day they actually come up with an option)

Oh hey what's up? Yeah still at your job. You still hate it don't you. Oh that's my guy, always hating his job. You hating your job is what I love about you. Options? What? Oh job options that I said I had for you because I awkwardly forced the conversation on to your career even though we are barely acquantances. Yeah well I got 2 options for you:

Option 1: Arizona.

I don't have what we call "connections" but it is a state and I can get you directions to it. Just watch out for the sun, if your skin drops a couple shades the locals might try to throw you across the border. You are a US citizen right?

Option 2: If you hate your job so much you should just quit.

Dude you should. Sometimes not having any money is the best way to get money. You should just do it. I knew a guy onetime. You should just quit. Be all like in that movie where the guy was like "you suck, you suck, you suck, you suck" and then point at cool guy and be like "you're cool. I'M OUT!"

Yeah so let me know how it goes. Oh and can you see if your place is hiring?

SPINSTER sees someone she hasn't seen in a while

Oh my gosh I can't believe you are here! I was so worried about you. So worried. I can't tell you enough how much your presence here affects me. You have affected me so much because I was worried about you. My feelings were of worry and concern. But you are here and slowly my worry will turn into favorable feelings of welcomeness.

I am rambling, because as I said I was worried. But how are you? I want you- to tell me- how you are doing so that I may become aware of what is going on. I can't wait until I can tell everyone I know that I saw you here today. What a plan God has for me, seeing you here. After all this time. I would have really liked to have heard from you.

We could have done something together, you know what I say to heck with it we still can. Let me tell you what has been going on with me and maybe we can look at my schedule and see when you fit in.

So last month I was in a meeting at work. Did I tell you that I've been working at a workplace? Been so for all of my life during the time that's not dedicated to gossip.... actually those times overlap each other. But anyway I was in a meeting and C-Minus was all like "do you like stuff" and I was like OMGCHRONICLESOFNARNIA3IN3D and then I got 4 days off to watch the series and buy the books. Can you believe it? Can you believe the things that I have just told you about me? I know!

But anyways it was great to have you see me. I can't believe I get to tell everyone at work that you saw me. How exciting! Did you see those pictures of my cat in the Christmas sweater that I gave him out of the goodness of my heart? A lot of people would say, "why would you get a cat a sweater" but then I say "my cat is my child and I will give him things until he understands how important I am to his survival and entertainment."

What's that? You need to leave me? I understand, coincidently I need to leave you even sooner than you need to leave me. I really enjoyed you getting to have a chat with me.

I will see you when it is convientent for me and less convient for you to do so!

EOE: Spinsters

HR Person: Thanks for coming in today C-Minus.

C-Minus: ...

HR Person: I am here to talk to you about your discriminatory attitude towards some of your fellow employees.

C-Minus: ...

HR Person: Oh not the darker ones, you actually have some room to step up your discriminatory attitudes towards them and be within the company guidelines. What I want to talk to you about is your attitude and actions toward Marge.

C-Minus: ...

HR Person: I know what you are thinking. "Who the f- cares about Marge?" And the answer is... well not many. And that's why we must gather together as a company and treat her with the respect you would show a creepy aunt who stopped by because she thought it was thanksgiving.

C-Minus: ...

HR Person: Listen Marge made a choice with her life. And that choice was to live vicariously through others in place of living herself. Of anyone I expected you to understand that.

C-Minus: ...

HR Person: You should understand that because you live your life vicariously through the internet. But you didn't make that choice, every other person made that choice when they decided to keep your relationship internet-tonic.

C-Minus: ...

HR Person: So good we are on the same page, but you are probably asking yourself, "Self, How can I show Marge that I am not discriminatory about people who are loud and shirill and so terribly alone." Well first you can greet her politely every time you see her, which is every 5 seconds because we don't have cubicle walls or non-hidious views in this office.

C-Minus: ...

HR Person: And be sure to ask her how her non-existent life is going! She will give you up to the minute details, IN REAL TIME. If she spent an hour and a half watching a teen comedy this weekend then you better get an hour and half of work out of the way so you can pay strict attention to her story.

C- Minus: ...

HR Person: AND THE OPINIONS! Be sure to stick around for the opinions.

C- Minus: .. MARGE!: OH HEY WHATS GOING ON IN HERE! I GOT NEW PICS OF GRANDBABIES!

C- Minus: ???

HR Person: Marge so lovely to see you... slightly curious about how grandbabies can exist in your life. But nevermind that. How was your weekend?

MARGE! IT WAS 4 DAYS AGO SILLY. BECAUSE IT'S THURSDAY. SO READY FOR THIS WEEKEND THOUGH. A NEW NARNIA MOVIE CAME OUT AND I'M READY FOR IT, GOT THE GRANDBABIES ON BOARD AND WE'RE READY TO JUST HAVE A KIDS NIGHT OUT.

C- Minus: ...

HR Person: That sounds lovely. I was just finishing my chat/write up with C- Minus. C- Minus do you have anything to ask MARGE?

C- Minus: ...

...

Do you like

...

stuff?

MARGE! OH MY GAWD YOU HAVE NO IDEASOMETIMESIJUSTGOTOMYONEROOM55+APARTMENTCOMPLEXANDITWASCRAZYA;SLDFUWQOEIRJQSDKLFJBXZCLKVJBAE;LFKJASWHEREHASMYLIFEGONEIAMSOALONEC-MINUSTHERESSTILLTIMEFORTOCHANGEDON'TENDUPLIKETHISRUNNNNN!

C- Minus: ... k.

HR Person: That will be all then. Thanks for stopping by C- Minus.

MARGE! OH HR PERSON I'M GONNA NEED FRIDAY OFF TO WATCH THE FIRST 2 NARNIA MOVIES K THX TOOODLES, TELL YOU ALL ABOUT IT MONDAY INSTEAD OF WORK.

The positive Work Wife reviews Management Material.

My work wife Gadget would like to relay some thoughts about the most recent of my video projects, please sit and listen attentively to what she has to say regarding how I spend my free time.

So I watched Management Material this weekend. It was interesting, like a real movie. To be honest I thought you were just making this up as a reason to talk to me. But you actually did it, and before I even get started on my comments. Good for you. I feel as proud of you for making a video with a beginning middle and end as I do for Tyler Perry every time he makes a movie and sets his race back another decade. Have you ever seen a Tyler Perry movie? I feel racist for not seeing some of them in the theatre... but seriously the audience is so loud. And I'm not just saying that because they are black or obese white women (or both). I tried to see "For Colored Girls" last week and this woman screamed GET A JOB at one of the main characters, and then threw a 3 liter of Faygo at the movie screen when the character did not follow her instructions. This type of horse play is why Eddie Murphy stopped being funny.

I watched your DVD with my husband. Did I mention I have a husband? It's an exclusive relationship. At first I was scared that you had put something personal or indecent in the video to offend me but then I watched and realized that you put many things personal and indecent in the video with the goal of offending everyone. It's nice to be just a innocent bystander of your awkwardness instead of the primary target. Sometimes I wish we could hire prettier girls at our work place so you would have other people to stare/smell/"pssstt" at. One day you will find someone special, maybe she will be a temp employee who hasn't been warned about or maybe she will be that obviously photoshopped female in the picture you have on your desk. I think I would believe that you had a girlfriend more easily if you didn't trot out the picture every time you need to say something you did wasn't sexual harassment because you are "spoken for."

It's hard for me to comment on the acting in the movie as it was so inconsistent that I couldn't really see what you were going for. But of all the people involved I feel the most pity towards the young woman in the third segment. I feel like I understood what she was going through during the taping of her scenes. It's like you told her that you had a neat part for her to play, and then she comes over and realizes that its pretty much a transcript of one of your embarrassing encounters with her. I think she could have cut down on the amount of lines to memorize if you would have just rewrote the scene of have you knocking her door then her blowing a rape whistle for 3 minutes straight until the episode ended. I think that situation would be clever and also serve as a good lesson to any woman who sees you at her door or cubicle.

I feel like I've went off on some weird and off putting tangents in this review, but I also believe that is fitting for the 30+ minute movie you asked me to watch. You took a 30 second idea and ballooned it to a length that not even skilled actors and filmmakers could support.

In summary the movie was:

• playable on my DVD player
• had stereo sound
• was primarily in English
• widescreen presentation
• full color

If I were to only consider the above criteria for a review then I would say that your project was a success.

Also I've passed this DVD along to the HR Coordinator, please pack your things into one of that boxes that Staples delivers copy paper in.

Gadget.

Management Material- Small Talk

Episode 1: The Stance

Second verse same as the first...

RANDOM THOUGHTS!

- We really need a camera person and consistent lighting. The living room part is so obviously just 1 of us that it is kind of hard to watch. My goal with these was to get back to the basics of simple longer shots and pacing, but because I have to work around camera placement it looks choppier than the holiday videos.

- I wrote this in about 20 minutes and most of the funny stuff was only funny on the page. My costar had a really hard time with his lines because they are from the voice in my head instead of his voice. Instead of reworking them or helping him we just kept doing it over until he got it, which is why his longer stuff sounds rushed. In the first one he was over my shoulder making things he would say sound more like things he would say... although there was a lot of "shut up" in the first one.

- Every time I played or edited the phone ringer I would reach for my phone in real life. I just watched the video as I typed the previous thought and I reached for the phone. Also there was a Tommy Wiseau sound effect put in when the bag dropped but it was distracting.

- A manager at my job referred to hanukkah as "Jew-vember" today. I just google searched the word hanukkah to make sure I was spelling it correctly, turns out I wasn't.

- I was really exhausted from work and costar was fighting off a stomach flu, we pretty much just kept our heads down and plowed through it as quick as possible. My mom had just got home from church and ate before I interrupted her with the video stuff. I wanted her in this partially because I felt bad about saying she was dead 3 times in the first episode, and I find her funny. She did it the way she does things, sloppily but in an endearing way. She did chug a large glass of wine in one gulp before we were starting to film. Not sure if that is why she was smiling during the sequence or if losing control of your face is part of the aging process. I love you mother.

- I edited this while a friend came over, I didn't pay attention to a word he said the entire evening.

- This was supposed to be done last week but I had to work late and bailed on costar, I think it's the first time I've ever canceled on my end aside from going to the bar, which I cancel all the time because I hate the bar. I'm not sure if costar was pissed or just lazy because he didn't get back to me for a bit. I thought of rewriting and having a new person help me with being a manager every episode. SLEEPY CRICKET was in town this weekend and made it work story wise, but after SLEEPY CRICKET and costar I am out of friends so the series would have to end there. And this was something special for me and costar, not as special as TOUCH OF THE DOWNS but made for us by us; kind of like fubu but instead of getting stabbed for wearing it we just get ignored for producing it.

- Work-Step-Mom and manager came in at same time this morning and took off jackets in same way at the same time. I watched this and said "that was cute, did you rehearse that on the way to work this morning?" which was a slight implication that they were having an affair and that I hate them (everything is an implication that I hate them). Step-Mom loved it, Manager got all tea party about it until he found someone to blame for something. He's always cranky in the morning until he blames someone for something.

- I really like the concepts of my videos better than the execution. I feel like everything I have ever made is a rough draft, but instead of making the corrections I just hand it back in as final copy, red pen corrections and all.

- I was shifting through the old cartoon stuff to use as a filler post (at this point its too terrible to let you see, but my standards are dropping quickly so expect it next week) and realized that I've totally done this idea 3 or 4 times already. Oh well, each attempt is just a step on the long road to watchability.

- One of my work wives got a new job, she will be leaving my life soon. I used the term "friendivorce" in a poor attempt to get someone totally different to feel bad today, but I think it actually applies to what my work wife and I are going through right now.

- I think I have more to say tonight but it's late and I give up.

HAVE YOU CHECKED THE LITTER BOX RECENTLY?

5 Reasons Why Overtime Sucks

Due to coworker sickness and new business I've been working more lately, ENJOY THIS LIST OF REASONS WHY IT IS KILLING ME FROM THE INSIDE OUT!

1- I think the second shift employees are going to molest me.

They are not used to seeing someone of my long hair, pleasant smell, and disease free genitalia.

2- I make overtime pay.

I make time and a half for every hour over 40, BUT that just pisses me off about the first 40 hours I worked for less than the company is willing to pay me. I am reasonably compensated for what I actually do, but I am far under funded for what I put up with.

3- I am an easy target.

With me tied up with actual work to do, I am not available to defend myself from the steady stream of crap that is thrown in my general direction. As I limped into work Monday (an hour and a half before my shift really started, limping because I rage ran the previous night), a supervisor sees me from across the parking lot and screams "WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU (regarding the limp)?" A well rested C Minus would have had a verbal response that would have sent the supervisor under the conservative rock he came out from. But in a 60+ hour week my verbal skills are reduced so I only responded "THIS IS NOT AN ATTENTION SEEKING BEHAVIOR. PLEASE LEAVE ME ALONE."

4- Lots of time with COWORKER

I spoke of the work wives earlier this week, mainly as a way to remind myself that I am loved to prevent me from committing work suicide. I have other work family members, and COWORKER comes from the Disney's Cinderella version of COWORKER where they are pretty much unredeemable. Well I'm stuck with her this week for more than 80% of my waking hours. The time has gotten me to hate her less, but I don't want to not hate her, hating her allows me to process her as a person without actually thinking about her.

In a normal week I would sometimes mentally ask myself: Why would step mother do/say/smell like that?

And during that normal week the answer would be: Who cares, you hate her and she is doing/saying/smelling like that so you have things to mock her for.

But in this special week I'm all menstruating and being like; Maybe there is a root cause to her doing/saying/smelling and I should explore her issues and get to know her as a COWORKER during this 65 hour work week.

5- I am going to be reprimanded for my performance as soon things slow down

Instead of seeing the struggle and being like, wow the system created C Minus and others in his position is not functioning correctly the lesson is wow C Minus and his coworker do not hold a candle to the missing employee, let us wait until she gets back so that we can write them all up for the amount of overtime we have to pay them and the fact they don't work as well as they did when we had another person in the department to help with the workload.

Ok I'm done for now. Its been a 12 hour day of work and I have to go in on Saturday. Enjoy your weekend then comment and tell me all the non-work related things you did so that I may live through your Internet lies vicariously.

A loving conversation between a man and his cartoon wife

I had a really nice idea for a blog post today, and my backup was just going to make a cartoon of the following instant messenger conversation between me and one of my cartoon wives. But then I had to work late so I pulled the old cut and paste. Despite my laziness, I hope young men look to this chat log as an example on how to greet your lady and make her feel special:

C Minus/Su... good morning

C Minus/S... I may just cut and paste our conversation today as a blogpost

C Minus/S... why are you sad on facebook

Rebecca Cunningham/S... well, I am getting a tattoo

Rebecca Cunningham/S... and my guy was sick last night

Rebecca Cunningham/S... so I have to wait.

C Minus/S... no

C Minus/S... NO

C Minus/S... what are you getting?

C Minus/S... gross

Rebecca Cunningham/S... I’m sorry you disapprove

Rebecca Cunningham/S... it's a dandelion that is blowing in the wind and the seeds gradually turn into birds

Rebecca Cunningham/S... it will be on my foot.

C Minus/S... did you even think of me before doing this?

C Minus/S... you know I'm into feet

Rebecca Cunningham/S... you are?

C Minus/S... not any more since you are getting a children's picture book sketched on yours

Rebecca Cunningham/S... it's going to be really cool.

Rebecca Cunningham/S... and you'll like it

C Minus/S... worst-case scenario. it turns me off feet forever

C Minus/S... best case scenario: dandelion’s get me hot from now on

Hope you enjoyed just a small portion of Rebecca and my conversation, believe you me we could go back and forth back and forth back and forth like this forever. It's late and I worked a 15 hour day so I'm going to treat myself to a bowel movement and then go to sleep!

My Cartoon Wives

I have been blessed to have two very special women in my life over the past couple of years and I thought I would take a break from being bitter and crappy to tell you about them. I consider them my "cartoon wives." As to not break my rule of not mentioning anyone by name (aside from Jon Purdy), I will refer to them as two of the Disney afternoon cartoon characters I was attracted to as a child (present day).

Rebbecca Cunningham is the first of the Disney afternoon cartoon characters to enter my life and my heart. She came as my friend Super Christian was leaving and it was a rocky transition. She was preceded by someone who actually had a name similar to Rebbecca Cunningham, but aside from a love of Saved By the Bell I did not have anything to discuss with her predecessor.

Rebbecca Cunningham got her Disney Character associated with her after I told her in graphic detail what I would do to that cartoon character if God wasn't watching. In this erotic fan fiction I am also a cartoon character so it wasn't weird or anything (I wouldn't be Baloo because I am in pretty good shape and if I were to be Kit Cloudkicker there would be a weird maternal thing going on which I am not saying is exactly a complete turn off). After going stream of consciousness on our x-rated animated adventures, Rebbecca (the real on not the cartoon one that currently has me aroused). Made me the following illustration that immediately killed any desire I had for the character.

If you take a moment to look at the illustration to the right, the character introduces herself, already knowing my name and then proceeds immediately to saying she loves me. That's how it is supposed to happen ladies, you present yourself to me and then list off your feelings so that neither of us waste anytime.

The fact that I listed off a ton of perverted stuff in the past couple paragraphs and haven't gotten slapped should tell you that Rebbecca is the cartoon character that I run my lines by. If in the past two years I have said something that makes you feel special, there is a good chance I focus tested it with Ms. Cunningham. If I happened to offend you and make you think I am lesser of a man for saying that to you, then that was obviously a sabotage by Rebbecca because she is in love with me and can't stand to see me talking to anyone else.

Also any bitter or audacious stuff that I don't want to sully Gadget's time with gets run by Rebbecca, she knows where the bodies are buried (both literal and metaphorical bodies). She keeps it as real as a Disney afternoon cartoon character can keep it and that's why I love her.

Gadget Hackenwrench was the second of the Disney afternoon cartoon characters to come into my life, and initially I was hesitant to let her in. She was too chipper and crafty. While her positive attitude won over the rest of the Rescue Rangers, I kept her at a distance. Much like her cartoon namesake, the real Gadget is crafty and a skilled inventor.

Initially my encounters with her were walking in to the ... Rescue Rangers Chipmunk Resources office to see if Rebbecca Cunningham was available. I would see that she wasn't and then turn around quickly before her supervisor could catch wind of my presence and scowl in my general direction, which I believe is the extent of his actual power/job function. This was eventually shortened to a hand signal from down the hall to see if she was available.

One notable thing about Gadget is her booming laugh that she demonstrates when she is amused, angry, tired, hungry or nervous. Our conversations of the Rescue Ranger Instant Messaging system started with me keeping a tally of how many times I heard her laugh from my desk which is on the other end of the office (Rescue Rangers command center? I give up).

Our conversations started from there. At 8AM we would greet each other, at 8:15AM I would

tell her about what one of my real life ladyfriends was pissing me off at the moment. After over a year of DISNEY CARTOONING together she let me have this handy chart that she made to keep them all straight. I now keep it in my desk as a reminder that while I might not be loved, I am at least tolerated.

On the topic of human interaction, if I have encountered you in the past 2 years and seemed like a reasonable human being, its probably thanks to the cartoon wives. Gadget talks me down and Rebbecca Cunningham gives it to me straight. If I have come across as a prick then it is because I refused to respect the advice and opinion o the cartoon wives. At 9:30AM Gadget and I discuss what our lunch plans are and how the Disney Afternoon Cartoon Block will find a way to ruin them. This will lead us into our discussion of what junk food we will buy from the vending machines when we give up on eating real food. When I have a weak moment and buy the 750 calorie big bag of Reese's Pieces, I know I will always have the life line of giving half of the bag to gadget, while neglecting the newer girl in the Rescue Ranger Resource office.

From failed attempt at lunch and on we will discuss our projects and evening plans. Mine will usually include lies that make me seem like a more reasonable human being to her but aside from my pathological sickness I appreciate our honest relationship. She always keeps a level head and is about the only smile without a knife to stab me in the back in my Disney Animated Cartoon Program and those are some of the reasons I love Gadget Hackenwrench.

OK enough of this sappy/furry stuff. I'll get back to being terrible tomorrow.

Inventory: Providing an accurate count of the reasons I hate this process

Of all the annoying things about having a big persons job, performing a quarterly inventory takes the cake. It's not so much as the actual inventory either (I looked at job responsibilities and it turns out 75% involved counting), but those who enjoy the inventory process. Here are some reasons why the inventory process is terrible:

1. Inventory happens on a Saturday

Not only is my Saturday ruined by inventory but also my Friday night as well. Instead of happy binge drinking because the week is over, I have to angry binge drink because there is an additional day of work left and one less day of not work to look forward to. Both types of drinking lead to the same place (outside a random person's apartment where I enebriatedly think a girl I like lives), but I'll be in two completely different moods butchering two completely different KC and Jojo songs.

2. The knowledge that Jason is not working

I like to organize everything I do by comparing it to what Jason is doing that exact moment. And last inventory according to my sources Jason was sleeping, fiddling with his projector, revising his amazon wish-list, and anonymously browsing online dating sites. Inventory rates as a distant second to all of Jason's Saturday activities which makes me the loser, a position I am growing more comfortable with through each passing day.

editors note: notice how Jason's activities do not include working this blog, although as of a couple minutes ago he asked for permission to allow his goon squad to post entries

3. The inmates are running the asylum

Now I am glad that workplaces acknowledge that real employees are too busy to take an active interest in counting stuff. But the fact that they give the gossipy-worthless staff a leadership role is downright insane. It's like if a city didn't have enough people to be cops so they let babies enforce the law. See a crazy person might hear this and say "Babies don't do anything worth a crap anyway so let's make them feel useful by giving them guns and the ability to pull me over whenever they are feeling cranky," but sadly the crazy person doesn't have to deal with unqualified and bratty children in a managerial position.

4. It's not real work, nor will it be treated as such

"In the land of the blind, the one eyed man is king" -Minority Report

It is absolutely ludicrous that I am the person commenting on the attitude and effectiveness of an inventory crew but crikey this is my Saturday we are pissing away. So when you decide to make a joke about what I'm doing this weekend (oh wait this is the weekend hahahaha) instead getting this inventory done, I have a problem with that. But then again why get out of work at a decent hour when you can spend 45 minutes with your work clique talking trash about current and former workers. "Do you know who used to really have me?" an inventory auditor asked instead of doing his job.... no I don't know who used to hate you, but I know who currently and forever will hate you: His name is ME and he is missing the farmers market because you don't have any friends in real like.

I'm only asking you to be an effective and efficient employee once a quarter for the Saturday inventory, come Monday you can go back to being a dillydallying douchnozzle.

5. THERE WILL BE DONUTS

You mean the company is going to spend 30 dollars so that we all can have a donut during breaktime? In that case I take back this entire blog post!