Watching Spartacus makes me feel like a man

Watching episode 3 of Sparticus via Netflix streaming. I initially clicked on it because the box cover was all like GRRRRR! and I was all like "why's Kevin Federline so clean and angry?" After 2 episodes of Spartacus I have found there are many reasons why Kevin Federline is angry and the show is built around him working out that anger.

There are things notable about the Spartacus television series and I would like to share my 3 episodes of experience with you.

1. Spartacus has the worst special effects that I have ever seen in a professional media production.

I can tell that the producers of Spartacus were challenged with producing 13 episodes of 300 with the budget of 13 episodes of Sesame Street. Instead of playing to the low budget strengths with clever editing and scripting around budget constraints, Spartacus does a bunch of CGI stuff but just stops rendering when the VFX checks start to bounce.

The sky looks like a water color painting and the characters have terrible green screen artifacts around them. Certain spots look like someone's playing a game of You're in the Movies.

2. Spartacus is naked. So are his friends and enemies. So are the characters he has yet to meet.

Try as I might I have yet to see the member of Spartacus, every other inch of his body is permanently imprinted in my mind. As for the rest of the cast, yeah hung or not hung they are on display in about half of the scenes they are in. In my analysis of Love and Other Drugs, I mentioned that every time Anne Hathaway acted she had to show a boob. In Spartacus every line of dialogue must be matched with a close up of the characters frank and beans. Any nonverbal action a character has must be paired with a butt shot.

3. Spartacus is visceral.

Visceral: Having to do with the response of the body as opposed to the intellect, as in the distinction between feeling and thinking.

If I was a wild animal I probably wouldn't make it through a complete episode of of Spartacus without dying of some combination violence and some more basic animal need. Probably 75% of the 3 episodes are either fighting or lovemaking with a equal amount of screaming in each. The pairings do not discriminate among genders, which makes me wonder if this show is produced to help GLAAD or to spite it.

Despite the accents (which range from meh to terrible) and the iambic pentameter, there is no plot to Spartacus aside from revenge and hostility. If you can follow the the drama and subtext of a dogfight then you will have no problems keeping up with Spartacus. If anyone says they are watching this show for something other than the dirty stuff then I would advise you to not believe their lies and report them to the nearest authority.

4. Xena Warrior Princess is in this

She is getting older but it's good to see her working again.

5. They seriously just did the screen split trick to make a bunch more trumpet players.

SLEEPY CRICKET did you make this? Seriously you need to tell me if this is something you shot with your digital camera.

Just because it's British doesn't make you cultured

"Ugh I can't believe they are doing the office as an American show. It's gonna be awful."

-Me, 2004

I was an idiot in 2004. I am an idiot in 2011 but that is for other reasons than thinking I was a cool person for watching shows, movies and other crap that originated overseas. I illegally downloaded both seasons and the holiday special of the British Office and almost bought the DVD's on many occasions. I thought I was special for liking it because Joe Six Pack hadn't heard of it yet. I was not special, I was one of the first ten million to be exposed to a television program, and felt that I had to defend the show's honor in regards to the Am

erican version.

"You don't understand, if they take this classy show and dumb it down for the American Idiots (see that was an album in 2004) that watch 'Everyone Loves Raymond' it'll be a disaster. Those miscreants might as well go back in time and prevent the original show from ever happening. Remaking the show for an entirely different audience is that terrible!"

-Me in 2004

"First of all C-Minus from 7 years ago: Get a Life. You don't have any friends and that is a much higher priority then some silly show. Second: can you tell me why you like this show? No you can't, because you have not thought about why you like the show. This show is something obscure for you to champion which you feel you must do to make up for your lack of accomplishments."

-Me in 2010

I was not special because I liked the British Office. I was an a-hole because I was an a-hole. Let me try to tell you something I like for a moment.

"You should check out the show Community which is on at 8PM Thursday's on NBC. It is hilarious and actually scarily accurate to some of the stuff at a community college. Chevy Chase is in it but not enough so that he ruins it. You will want to start at the beginning of the season 1 though, do you want to borrow my DVDs? The rest I think you can see on Hulu or NBC.com. I know you are in to Big Bang Theory which is on at the same time but I think this show is special."

-Me now.

See what I did there. I didn't try to exclude you for not being aware of something. I concisely told you why I love something I love and then I gave you a very easy option to check it out. Community is on NBC so everyone wants to hate it, and it's not a remake so there is no original to try to defend...but if it was I think I'd be old enough to get over it and enjoy the show for what it is.

My favorite movie (this week) is "Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory" when they remade it I rolled my eyes and begrudgingly checked out. I was mature enough not to blow the rape whistle because my childhood was being molested by Tim Burton, my childhood is still available on video and I don't think the remake is gonna stick around in people's minds. Do I wish more original movies and TV shows were made? Probably, but if the absence of that it's not worth it to go crying wolf over some remake/adaptation that's going to bring about the apocalypse.

You can boil 90% of the idea's out there into coming of age stories, competitions, or revenge plots so if the idea is not a remake in name then it is ripping something off in spirit. The social network, I loved it. I love it even more when it was called Citizen Kane. And I'm not dropping Citizen Kane on you because I want you to think I'm classy. I live in my mother's basement and one time I blew my nose (reference deleted) into the same sheet of paper towel, so I think the classy boat has sailed. I'm telling you about Citizen Kane because it's awesome.

Here is a self-test I gave myself regarding telling you about new things and not sounding like a prick:

"Ok I got a old movie you should check out. You've heard of it, it's called Citizen Kane and it's in black and white, but its crazy and fast paced and has awesome editing. The main character is so like a bunch of people in the news today."

"Have you played Alpha Protocol? It got some bad reviews but it's really great. It's a streamlined Mass Effect style action RPG set in a spy movie. You can have sex with 4 women in the game if you do the dialogue options right. Would you like to borrow my copy for 360? I'm done with it but I don't want to sell it incase it becomes a collectors item."

"Did you hear that they are remaking Ocenia of Time for the 3DS? I don't know about paying 40 dollars for a 13 year old game, but I bet the original still holds up and it should be cool in 3D."

"YOU HAVEN'T SEEN THE MISFITS? WHAT KIND OF A JAGOFF ARE YOU?"

Ok ABC its time to take a break.

ABC we need to talk. You've had a couple decent years, but I think you are at a point were you need to take the rest of the Television season off and figure out what the heck your plan is. You are at a crossroads, are you going to be successful like CBS or are you going to be a joke like NBC. I want you to take a step back and think of the following 5 signs that you are going off the rails.

At 9:12 PM Tuesday I just watched that one chick from Firefly unhinge her alien jaw, eat a live rat and then spit that rat into a baby's mouth.

I have seen in total 25 minutes of the show V (I keep wanting to write for Vendetta after it), that 25 minutes might be split into 2 minutes of every episode produced. Just give up on the show. No one likes it and those neilsen families you paid off to say they watched it aren't worth the damage you are doing to America by keeping this crap on the air. When the Olive Garden ad during the first commercial break has better acting, special effects and writing then your program... just take that as a sign that you need to stop.

She has been on local TV for over 20 years and I still have no idea who this "Miranda" witch is or why her opinions on local events matter.

She just told me that she will be highlighting a technical center or something. Miranda and this "face of 4" chick probably have dementia to a level where you could just stop recording them and they would still think they are TV.

Every actor on every ABC show looks like their previous work included all the "talky" parts of pornography.

Maybe its my terrible HD tv or maybe its their awful makeup and wrinkle concelor, but everyone on this network looks they are an inflatable toy used at bachelor parties and my Wednesday lunch breaks.

BRING BACK TGIF YOU TERRORISTS!

You don't even have to come up with new show ideas (not that you would ever do that in the first place). I want the following television line up with new episodes and all the actors playing their current ages but in the same situations as they were in in their heyday.

8:00PM Family Matters (with buff Urkel)

8:30PM Boy Meets World (turn this into a Wonder Years crossover episode)

9:00PM Dana Carvey Show (I know it wasn't on Fridays but shut up)

9:30PM Step By Step (with zombified Suzanne Summers)

Everyone on your next work displays an irritating amount of cleavage regardless of age or gender

Congratulations ABC you hired someone from the old V show/miniseries/movie/drug trip... but now she's 60-something and shouldn't be wearing a V top cut down to her nips.

I didn't intentionally say V top because she was in the V show but I will end on that delightful happenstance.

Grey's Anatomy Sucks. Lost wasn't good after season 1. Jimmy Kimmel is ok but I'm not allowed to stay up that late.