You can't yell at me on my day off

Thursday at 12:00 PM I realized I messed up something at work. Here is a chart demonstrating what caused this:

Reasons for Mistake

This type of issue happens once a day for me. But I usually catch it and correct it by the doing the following.

How I Catch My Mistakes at Work

But on Thursday I didn't catch the mistake, one that probably won't seriously impact anyone, but it will be noticed. And considering the day after is Good Friday, no one will have anything to do at work aside from cry about it. And cry they did.

But after I caught this error, I contacted the error-ed party as a CYA maneuver. I got a stay of repercussions until Monday.... at least I got verbal confirmation that nothing would come back on me til Monday. Usually 3 days after a mistake is made the reasons for mistake are muddyed enough that the guilty party is harder to find.

About a half hour after I got the verbal agreement from slighted party, I was given the option of taking Friday off. An option which I opted for as the only thing I would have to do on Friday is dwell on my mistake and stare/smell at some coworkers.

10AM Friday was when the verbal truce I forged was destroyed. And now we have everyone messing their undies without me to negotiate a calm down. After some phone calls the situation was put on back burner until Monday again, with the ominous threat from manager that we would talk about it then.

So I get to enjoy the rest of the weekend with the threat of repercussions, not only that, I finally get a response from an internal job that would remove me from these people on Friday as well. Second interview is now a go, but any reference check at my location would probably only revolve around my latest mistake.

Since my career repercussion is delayed until Monday I have personally punished myself by grounding me from driving until the weekend is over.

I told myself that I would only write about music/movies and games from here on out but this situation has been dwelling in my soul for the past couple days and I wanted to get it out of me.

Let me know if you would like to review my recently update resume,

C-Minus

SCRE4M. People owes me money because they said this movie would never exist.

Phone- *ring ring

C-Minus- Hello.

Phone- Hello Sydney

C-Minus- Hi Ghostface. I think you have the wrong number

Ghostface- SYDNEY IS DEAD. WHAT'S YOUR FAVORITE SCARY MOVIE?

C-Minus- Sydney is not dead. I know this because I just walked out of SCRE4M, which coincidently is my favorite scary movie.

Ghostface- ....

C-Minus- I'm serious SCRE4M is my favorite scary movie. Of all time.

Ghostface- You can not be serious. It was a money grab from an over-leveraged studio using one of the few franchises that it has left. Luckily the principal actors were doing worse than we were and offered to work for scale. Then we exercised a bunch of options that we had with a bunch of fresh faces, we figured some of them will make nice stabbing dummies.

C-Minus- And it worked. I didn't even smell the mildew from when you said Scream 3 was the last movie.

Ghostface- This is a new trilogy/reboot/remake (whatever offends each potential viewer less).

C-Minus- Well I gotta blog for a while and this gimmick isn't gonna be funny anytime soon. Good talking to you.

Ghostface- C-Minus wait!!!!! I need to toy with you more before get the poorly planned murdering on!

SCRE4M is a strange, strange version of Scream 1 but where Scream 1 already happened and characters acknowledging it every other line of dialogue. They make jokes about what happened in the first movie, and then they do exactly what happened in the first movie. Not only do these self and past aware characters make the same mistakes, they make those mistakes with the exact same characters who went through the same experience over the past 3 movies.

Once you get past the fact that everyone in the movie is an idiot, there are some jumps to be had in the movie and while I didn't laugh, the ignorant movie going audience seemed to. When did the laughs happen in Scre4m they were during the swear words and the stabs to private spots.

And when the murderers are revealed... well its a slight variation on the first movie. And I really wish at least one of them wouldn't have been caught. It would have handed over the reigns of the franchise to some new people, which is good because the original 3 are kind of terrible, and actually been interesting to see the spin in future scream movies. Future scream movies will be happening btw, whether this movie makes no money or every money. I will make this bet with you the same way I made it with multiple people who saw the 3rd one and said "no way! there'll never be another one!"

It's a dumb slasher movie, and I think knowing the original 3 might actually hinder your enjoyment of it.

*Also there is an awesome production problem that I thought was a clever reveal of the murderer. One character comes back from shopping while the others are being chased. All the stuff in her shopping bags was previously opening, most noticeably a box of cereal that wasn't even closed properly. I think that might have been a clue to an alternate ending since this actress seems like she wouldn't have signed on unless she could have a decent part.

The Joneses (There is a $ sign in the first S of the title that I refuse to put in there based on principal)

I will start this review by revealing the premise (twist?) of the Joneses: They are a group of marketing/sales people posing as a rich family. They go into a community and make new friends and admirers for the sole purpose of selling them stuff and hooking them on new brands. The premise is awesome and as of 70 minutes into the movie the only thing notable about the movie.

The Jonseses are composed of the beautifully creepy couple of Demi Moore and David Doucovany, I really think David has had as much work done as Demi as they both look like cryogenically frozen 20 year olds who are sagging in instead of sagging out. They have two 30 year old kids playing 18 year olds. One is gay and the other is that girl who shows her boobs in every movie that's not "Drive Angry 3D."

The Joneses is one of those movies that you can tell were made with janky producers or a budget that got slashed at last minute as everything feels really small. Small cast despite a big premise, and now that I think of it, David Duchovyanany and Demi Moore are really weird people to be headlining this thing, I bet if it was 1997 it would be the biggest movie of the year (I said that about Knight and Day when I saw it this year as well).

But lets get back into the movie. Right now the climax is playing as David Doucahni is revealing himself to be the salesman to the community after someone kills himself trying to be like him. The camera work has gotten all jumbly after being classically shot earlier, this is either done to push the emotional aspects or the janky producers didn't rent the steadycam for enough days.

I'm trying to find out why I don't like this movie despite the adequate cast and premise that is really up my alley. I think the issue is that the movie has really nothing to offer. There is no drama as these people are fake and no one is really on to their charade. I find both the leads creepy looking, still capable of arousing me, but creepy and don't care if they get together since I think they are composed of the same replacement flesh.

Yesterday at work I told the workwife a joke to which she replied "that's comical" without any emotion. What I told her had the set up and punchline of a joke (also the racism and misogyny of my typical subject matter) but none of the heart. That's kind of how I feel about the few attempts this movie makes to be funny or satirical. Oh I get it, their relationships are just like ours even when they are frauds. Wow movie, I never caught on that half of my relationships are built around purchases! Thanks for teaching me about myself movie, now let me get my book of how to create real stakes and drama in a script so I can teach you about being a movie.

The Joneses have the appearance of a successful family but they are a hollow facsimile, "The Joneses" has the appearance of a smart culturally relavant dramdey but it is a hollow facsimile.

Battle: LA is like watching you play Call of Duty on a Waterbed

This will be a quick one because the movie is stupid and I'm tired.

Battle: LA actually looked interesting from the trailers. They were doing this limited explanation thing in an attempt to mimic District 9. And the attempt was successful because I went into the movie hoping it would be District 10 even after the terrible reviews.

Sadly Battle: LA is only like District 9 in the verte (I AINT PLANNING OUT NO CAMERA PLACEMENT) camera placement and ugly-esque aliens. The rest of it just throws in enough bro-emotions and AMERICA! to cover the lack of story. Here is the entire story of Battle:LA.

1. Army guys waiting around for something to happen

2. Aliens come in without warning and start shooting people

3. Army finds the enemies weakspot and tries to save some civilians

4. Army finds rescue copter but goes back to look for a command post

5. Army destroys command post and rest of world learns to do the same

6. END

Story points 1-6 took me 2 minutes to write, this movie felt close to 2 hours long. To fill in the extra 118 minutes there are random Army guy shouts, loud gunfire and shaky cam. That's it. During the movie I was falling asleep because everything was equally super-loud and the shaky cam was rocking me to sleep, I left the theatre to get junk food and realized the sound was following me down the hall. I closed my eyes for a moment and pretended I was in a war zone. Little bits of other movies like "Limitless" seeped in to my eardrums among Battle's gunshots and screaming, it was quite the audio experience. It actually made me wish I was blind and partially retarded so I could have a better movie going experience.

The shaky cam on this movie is really ridiculous, I don't know if I made that clear. It ruins what were some decent and low key effects for the most part. The director would claim this is to make the action feel more emotional and visceral but it was a lazy/cheap move that dampened what little impact the movie could have had.

Final note on Battle: LA. Arron Eckart (TwoFace from Dark Knight) is an awesome actor, even though him as a army guy is a stretch, but if you don't have him talking all slick like a lawyer there is no reason to have this guy in any movie ever. Save your money and give Skeet Ullrich a hot meal or something and he'll do it just as well.

Limitless is 50% movie 50% editing and 100% HANDSOME

I've met a few Bradley Coopers in my life, and I have hated all of them. I think my problem with Bradley Cooper in real life is that he is an a-hole, and not the lovable/self-aware a-hole that I attempt to be, but a 100% self serving prick.

The Bradley Cooper I lived across the hall from in college was the worst person I have ever encountered. He worked out to the point of looking anorexic, coated in a layer of grease that gave him another excuse to keep his shirt off, and more concerned with his hair than a man should be. I can accept and even appreciate those things in a person, but the personality... oh the personality. Confrontational to an inhuman amount, like a rabid dog when he catches the slightest wif of disobedience or someone in his vicinity with a different view point. Would only function when he captured 100% of the attention and directed 100% of the scorn towards the weakest person in the area. Oh and ladies, does he have some kind words to charm you with. Words that were successful, and then followed up with some true/fictional stories about his adventures with you that are fit for a bathroom wall.

So I hate Bradley Cooper in real life. But thankfully Bradley Cooper also exists as a marginally talented actor who has recently gotten famous enough to start headlining movies like the recently released Limitless.

Limitless is about a lazy guy who gets a drug that makes him use his brain more effectively, and his uses for it are 100% self serving. I like this plot. The fact that this guy doesn't want to use his ill-gotten powers for good makes me smile because that's how it would be in real life. Bradley Cooper's motivation is probably the only connection Limitless has to real life, the rest of it is a cartoon.

So 45% of the movie is spent seeing Bradley use his smarts to charm people, have sex with people, make money, and be stupid. Morals are not improved by the drug because the character has no problems cheating on his long term girlfriend or putting her life in danger.

30% of the movie is used to come up with the most random obstacles for smart Bradley Cooper to overcome and then throwing those obstacles out the window whenever they get too boring or hard to explain. The low supply of of the drug is dealt with by either making a better version of it or being smart without it. The drug fueled bad guys are dispatched by drinking their blood to get smart and killing their homeys. The Gordon Gecko-like figure that Bobert DeNero plays is dealt with by.... actually I don't know, there was like a "6 Months Later" thing that just shoved him in a limo and sent him on his way. The 10 people that get killed in this movie because of our hero are dealt with by ignoring the cops or hiring a lawyer.

The final 25% of Limitless is filled with editing tricks or clever ways to hide the low budget of the movie. Blackouts or fast forwards are used to cover up scenes that the movie couldn't afford or figure out. Flashbacks and random informational video thingies are used to connect the dots to whatever this minutes dilemma is for our Smart Druggie. I feel like the budget got slashed in the middle of this thing and they just started firing people but kept production going on the movie because it goes from well-shot to a mess on a scene by scene basis.

In the end the character learns nothing and yet might become our new president. How do I feel about a morally reprehensible-drug addicted Bradley Cooper running our country? I'D TAKE HIM ANY DAY OVER THAT SOCIALIST ALIEN WE GOT NOW! SHOW ME A BIRTH CERTIFICATE! SHOW ME IT RIGHT NOW!

Polio isn't just something that they can ignore West Michigan

SLEEPY CRICKET typed "Polio isn't" into a post title then gave up. I will now attempt to salvage his hard work.

Dear moleskine notebook that was purchased at American Outfitters,

I travel a lot for my job, which is a lot like traveling for fun except you don't have to pay for it or summon the motivation to do it. Sometimes I bring stuff back, like keychains for my unemployed/underemployed friends or superacne-esque sores. But this time I brought back:

• Fever
• Sore throat
• Nausea
• Vomiting
• Abdominal pain
• Constipation
• Flu-like symptoms.

And I'm like what the heck? I can't be bothered to deal with this stuff! These ailments don't place me outside of the 50% aisle of people with stuff wrong with them. When is the last time anyone hosted a tellathon or a 20/20 special for someone with constipation? I need to think bigger with this stuff, let's spin it into something notable. Because despite my education and professional success, I need something that money can't buy.

I need pity.

SLEEPY CRICKET- C-Minus knows a nurse and loves to run his GD mouth, so I'm gonna use him in this little game. Let's whip out the old phone here.

C-Minus- "Hey MY REAL NAME? I haven't heard from you in weeks! How are you man?"

SLEEPY CRICKET-"I'm struggling C-Minus. Let me run some symptoms by you..."

C-Minus-"Why are you calling me C-Minus? That's what we called me on the blog you gave up on. I'm not a medical professsional so I don't know what I can do with a list of symptoms"

SLEEPY CRICKET-"I'm feeling all pregnancyflu like but its not pregnancy or flu. Its also not; Bite from a snake (such as a cobra), poisoning, Diphtheria, Myasthenia gravis, Guillain-Barre syndrome, Transverse myelitis, Tick paralysis, Rabies, or Botulism."

C-Minus-"Dude I don't know. Did you go to a Doctor?"

SLEEPY CRICKET-"Of course not, ISM is technically an engineering degree so what do I need a doctor for?"

C-Minus-"Um... did you try wikipedia? Because the way you read the stuff off like that sounded like you were reading from the computer."

SLEEPY CRICKET-"Interesting. Hey C-Minus, I'm busy with Ohio stuff, could you type what I just said into google at the exact same order and hit search?"

C-Minus-"No... dude I'm at Applebee's I'm not typing in a google search"

SLEEPY CRICKET-"I'm gonna text you a link. Bye"

Some girl- "Who was that?"

C-Minus- "You don't ever take that tone with me. Ever. Eat your dinner and don't you dare make eye contact with the waiter. Hold on my phone is getting a text."

SLEEPY CRICKET (via text)- http://www.google.com/search?client=safari&rls=en&q=symptoms+of+polio&ie=UTF-8&oe=UTF-8

C-Minus- "Sleepy Cricket, are you trying to get me to say you have Polio? Because I don't think you do"

SLEEPY CRICKET- "Polio..... how interesting and uncommon, and how terrible and worthy of care by others who I don't really keep in touch with. Any chance you can post a specific prayer for me and my condition as your facebook status?"

C-Minus- "Not a chance. How much are you making now-a-days?"

SLEEPY CRICKET- "$XX,XXX, why do you ask?"

C-Minus- "No real reason, just wanted another reason to hate you before I hung up."

So that's how I planted the seed of concern into West Michigan. Hopefully this whole ordeal will catch the attention of those that used to be in my life. And that attention will lead to interest. And that interest will lead to them making the decision to continue loving me. And that decision will lead to the action of them never not loving me and holding me dear even as all of our lives move on.