YOU ARE A VALUABLE MEMBER OF OUR TEAM- Epilogue

Our hero and A died with much media coverage, but little fanfare. Their deaths were spun into larger stories of upheaval and unrest. For some reason the police investigating the incident didn't really know what to do with the smorgasbord of history between the former project manager and our hero, so they offered a plea of vehicular manslaughter and it was accepted. The former project manager enters his correctional facility... not as a hero, but reasonably respected... he enjoys his time in prison.

The media coverage of the event scares away Wal-Mart and any other potential buyers of SS. With general merchandise cleared out and half of the stores empty, the founder worked with his family while on his deathbed to come up with a new strategy for the store. SS would not restock the shelves, they would lease out the empty store space cheaply to small businesses. This plan was not an overnight success but overtime SS became known as an incubator and champion of small businesses. Slowly SS reclaimed it's territory from Wal-Mart and evolved from an irrelevant superstore to a business that supported the community.

This transition included interviewing all employees for a third time and hiring them back in. Those that made the cut were happy to have health insurance and a paycheck that came from the place that they worked, not some worthless middleman of a contractor. SS used this time to clean house of store management, replacing bottom tier college grads with people who knew and cared about their workplace. Service manager was one of the few that turned down the job at SS, having our hero watch the store gave her a chance to think and explore other carer options.

One of those options was the recently vacated project manager position.

YOU ARE A VALUABLE MEMBER OF OUR TEAM- Part 4

And contact. Our hero had expected some type of response to the campaign that he waged against his former project manager but didn't expect it to be a physical assault and didn't expect it to be mere steps outside the SS entrance. Hero had to ignore his natural response to defend or fight back. The resulting couple of blows hurt, but not in any life threatening way, the project manager was large but did not show any signs of physical training or practice. They were both equally winded.

Not sure what to do next, or how to handle the small crowd of people that had gathered the project manager began to walk away. It was 3PM, the project manager had meant to just swing by the location at lunch to try and get his prescription filled for the second time. It had been a couple days since he's been out but he thought it was just a system error the first time he had turned away. The dull pain in his head combined with the sudden realization where the corporate heckling had come from set him off.

"Why?" Our hero responded loudly in a wobbly tone... the project manager stomped back over kicked him and screamed (mostly to the crowd of people) "because you deserve it." He kicked him again and stormed off. A customer that was recently assisted by our hero in the store approaches:

"Oh my God... are you alright?"

(slowly getting up and surveying his damage) "Yeah I... just need to clean up."

"Do you want me to call 911?"

(our hero drops his voice to an almost whisper) "Would you? I'm going to go change, A inside might have some info on the customer who did this"

Our hero slowly turns toward A on his way out who was waiting in the lobby area. A shuts the camcorder off and displays a thumbs up. Our hero slowly gets in his car and goes to a nearby motel to rest. The assault had woken up our hero out of a daze he had been in for the past couple of days. He hadn't really been sleeping/nor been awake... almost in an autopilot mode fueled by his anger and finally having a target to direct it towards.

A and our hero had discussed the possibility of retaliation from project manager, they didn't expect it to be physical. The customer did end up calling the police, A provided just enough information for them to identify the project manager and gave our hero's old address to the police. They would hopefully pick up the project manager from somewhere embarrassing either work, afterwork drinks, a client meeting or some combination. They would hopefully chase their tails for a day or two on finding our hero.

No mention of the footage was made to the police, while it would probably keep the project manager in custody for a longer period, it would open too many questions going directly to the cops. They will see it on the internet when the rest of the world does. The trick to maintaining interest in a campaign like this is giving people just enough information to write their own stories and come to their own assumptions. Violence, sex or anything that is implied always goes further than when it is shown, because when people have to fill in the blanks they recreate it in their imaginations. That's why the movie is never as good as the book. That's why our hero only partially cared if there was anything legitimate to base this campaign on.

Naming anything can be difficult, if you give it the wrong title no one will be bothered to care; where as if the name resonates then people will sit through anything. A looked through some of the most popular internet videos; rappers, republican primary, celebrity... inspiration is not striking. A titles it "Customer assaults employee at SS (store location information)," due to the project manager being a lot louder and our hero seeming defenseless it seems random, nothing is needed to be edited out. A is unhappy with the title but puts a direct download link in the video description, maybe someone will think of a better title and repost.

A stepped away from the SS manager computer, there was nothing more for him to do until our hero returned. Would he return? Seems like he could do more damage in his disappearance than if he continued the campaign. A decided to mention that now would be a good time to quit next time he saw him. B interrupts his thought on the matter by thrusting a Smartphone in his face.

"Dude you gotta see this video, local news just reported that someone got F'd up in our own parking lot."

You ARE A VALUABLE MEMBER OF OUR TEAM- Part 1

It continues...

Our hero pulls into the local superstore SS, he had worked there throughout his late high school and college life. He looked back on his time there with a reasonable amount of pride despite his career there beginning and ending as a cashier.

As he walks in he see's the greeter politely trying to stop another young man exiting the store. The man looked straight a head and moved forward in willful ignorance. Despite only wanting to get some supplies and clear his head, the situation caused him to spring into action. The young man passed him and approached the automatic door. Quickly with almost military precision our hero pulls the young mans pants down causing a number of obviously stolen items to spill out. The young man looks down at the merchandise in shock and then looks back up at our hero before even pulling his pants up. The shock quickly turns to anger but before he could react our hero gives the man a gentle push, causing him to trip over his dropped pants and fall into the breezeway. The man quickly composes himself and begins to confront our hero but then realizes that the rest of the store has stopped and is witnessing the scene. Our hero gives him a quiet wave which indicates that it is time for him to leave. Still surprised by the turn of events the man leaves with the merchandise remaining on the ground.

Our hero begins to pick up the almost-stolen goods and quietly puts them in a shopping basket to return to the guest service desk for restocking. As he picks up the basket the store slowly resumes business and the crowd loses interest. "These need to be returned," our hero tells the service desk attendant as he begins to walk off. "Hero..." a voice calls from inside the office behind the service desk. Our hero approaches, "good morning supermarket service manager" they remembered each other, not really a fond remembrance but better than most professional relationships that took place at the store.

"You just assaulted a SS shopper, that's not how we handle loss prevention in these parts."

"He was an SS stealer and I wouldn't worry he'll be back. I remember him pulling this kind of stuff back when i worked here."

"How long ago was that?"

"I think like 5 years."

"What do you think of the place?"

"It's gotten worse, a lot worse... they are saying the whole chain is going out of business."

"They say a lot of things.... would you like to come back?"

"I don't think I could be a cashier again"

"...You wouldn't be a cashier. We don't have cashiers anymore. We are all consultants now."

"Consultants from the liquidators.... so this place is going out of business."

"I don't know.... groceries are still coming in... we are being told that they are just adjusting somethings organizationally."

"Sure"

"Whatever they are doing, I feel like its time for me to look at some other jobs. I think you should babysit the store for me."

"You couldn't hire me if you wanted to"

"I don't want to hire you, just have you babysit the customer service for a while while I figure some stuff out. A couple days."

"I didn't come here looking for a job"

"It's 11:36 and you look like you've been crying. I think you are looking for something. Just cover the rest of the day for me and we'll talk about sticking around later tonight."

"This is nuts, no one is going to listen to me."

"People here still talk about you 5 years after you quit...."

"I wasn't even that good at working here!"

"I agree, let's inform the cattle that there's a new sheriff in town."

(supermarket service manager grabs the telephone on her desk and hits a series of numbers to use the intercom system).

"Attention SS team members and guests. Please welcome our returning friend HERO as he begins his first day as interim service manager."

(eyes of cashiers and employees of the area turn to the office)

"I'll be back at 7, have fun."

YOU ARE A VALUABLE MEMBER OF OUR TEAM- Prologue

I want to write and produce more in 2012. I think I should start by writing some overviews of ideas that have been bouncing around in my head for way to long. I am going to start by hopefully summarizing my longest gestating idea. This thing started when I was in high school and has had the plot changed about 30 times, so it sucks. But for once I'm going to get it all out of my system.

YOU ARE A VALUABLE MEMBER OF OUR TEAM

Idea's age: 2000-Present

Idea life span: started as a heist film of an armored truck that picked up at my previous retail workplace. In college it was a Clerks style coming of age while not really doing anything story. Since I was fired from my first job it was "Crash-in a dying superstore"with media being the straw man instead of racism.

Prologue

This idea starts with our hero having his final morning at an ad agency. It is 8AM or so and the office is beautiful but foreboding as not many people have arrived yet. Our hero works on various spreadsheets before wiping his eyes and getting up for a quick drink. Making small talk with another early arriving coworker it is clear that our hero understands that something is going to happen. As he arrives to his desk he see's a project manager and HR person waiting for him at his cube. They guide him into the PM office, in the office he is given his termination notice. Dialogue is covered up by music or internal monologue of the hero. PM leaves to inform the rest of the department/start his day. In filling out final paperwork our hero knocks over a cup of pencils which he forces himself to pick up despite the HR person telling him it is fine. He uses this awkwardness to stick a usb in the PM's desk, he removes it in a couple moments after he finishes the pencils and his paperwork.

He walks solemnly with the HR person past his cube where his things were hastily placed in a cardboard box. He heads toward the exit with his box as members of his department are heading into an adjacent conference room. The coworker from earlier notices him and calls our hero to join them. Our hero gives a slight head shake and the coworker sees the box in his hands. The coworker looks at the conference room and realizes the meeting is going to be about our hero's termination.

Our hero walks towards the door, seeing the beautiful ad and media material lining the walls of the agency. As he walks past the signs they slowly dissolve from branded material to a red [X] that you see when an image doesn't load on a website. In a move that startles the HR person our hero shakes her hand before exiting on the elevator.

On the silent drive home billboards and businesses also transition to [X]. He arrives at his apartment, with a reserved despair across his face. He looks at his things, the life that he once had, he looks down at the USB key in his hand, the logo on it slowly dissolves into the [X]. With this change he grips the USB key with a newly found determination. The action then speeds up to time lapse/fast forward as he breaks down all of his belongings packs them in his car (leaving a lot of stuff on the curb) and floors it out of the parking lot.

For twenty-some odd years our hero has existed, but starting today he was on a mission to destroy. Speeding out of his former parking lot with vengeance on his mind. But before he could move forward with his plan... or his plan to have a plan, he had to go to buy some stuff.

Titus, an award winning short film

I've been meaning to do a write up on our 48 hour film festival entry for a while now... I'm really not the man to do it, but I'm the only one with a blog so here goes:

Titus.

This music came from a public domain angel that I found about an hour before the movie was due. I really wish J would give me a version of the final product without a sound mix so I could clean it up and insert some proper transitions, but I don't think it will be happening. Also the wind was the worst... Really annoying.

We were assigned the theme of historical epic; which is definitely out of our wheelhouse, but I think that helped us differentiate ourselves and keep this thing from turning into date able 2. The idea for this was all Fill and I had no idea about it until we looked into it for the movie. I did write most of the script quietly while the rest dealt with medical issues and going on tangents. Thankfully we didn't stick super close to it in the actual shoot, and got even further away from it in our editing.

I am glad J edited this and he did a fantastic job considering he didn't know how to use the software and rushed it. My one contribution was telling him repeatedly to cut up the court stuff and split it up through the movie. It looked cool but we didn't have a scene, we had 5 halves of different scenes; splitting it up covered it well. Although my suggestion was to split it up through out the whole movie, just just the Bronson stuff.

I thought the acting was fine; I pushed a little too hard to play the title character because I knew Bro was going to play himself and dominate the whole thing no matter what he did, he made the movie interesting while I think I kept it coherent. I was very pleased on how everyone else handled there part, although I wish there would have been more for J to do.

That's all I got. Good show and the first award I've ever received for this sort of thing.

Analysis of the first minute of Dateable.

I usually will give an internet video about a minute to entertain me before I stop watching... thought it would be interesting to review Dateable based on the first minute of movie. If this wasn't my work I probably would click off it, which says more about my internet usage than the quality of the video.

:03- "Oh you are just getting right into it" That's right we are, there was 3 or so pages of setup for this thing that we just didn't have the shooting time or viewing time to work in. So it doesn't exist, and I think this is for the best. We are just cutting right into the awkwardness and the viewer can try to figure out with the actress what is happening.

:07- The terrible tone becomes apparent, all J's idea and it works for me. I showed one batch of friends and the sound made one of them visibly uncomfortable. As long as they are feeling something I will take it.

:31- The skinny trick is something I saw on vimeo.com video tutorials the night or so before shooting. Turned out ok even though I didn't properly explain it to anyone involved. And yes I know my head is reflected in the microwave.

:40- Actor appears. It would have had more of an impact if I didn't briefly cut to him knocking, but I needed that shot for transitions sake.

:48- The actresses line seemed a lot better in my head than it sounded spoken. I think if this situation happened in real life the woman would have asked him to leave, but I guess maybe a back story for this would be that she has experienced so many crappy guys/loneliness that she still might try to make the best of it.

52: Actor sounds like he is asking a question instead of telling her how it is, also I don't think I gave him specific instructions on what he should be looking at.

59: This line was only used as a transition, I thought about cutting to someone creepy in my parking lot, or a shot of me doing something creepy to lead up to my last minute addition to the movie.

SCRE4M. People owes me money because they said this movie would never exist.

Phone- *ring ring

C-Minus- Hello.

Phone- Hello Sydney

C-Minus- Hi Ghostface. I think you have the wrong number

Ghostface- SYDNEY IS DEAD. WHAT'S YOUR FAVORITE SCARY MOVIE?

C-Minus- Sydney is not dead. I know this because I just walked out of SCRE4M, which coincidently is my favorite scary movie.

Ghostface- ....

C-Minus- I'm serious SCRE4M is my favorite scary movie. Of all time.

Ghostface- You can not be serious. It was a money grab from an over-leveraged studio using one of the few franchises that it has left. Luckily the principal actors were doing worse than we were and offered to work for scale. Then we exercised a bunch of options that we had with a bunch of fresh faces, we figured some of them will make nice stabbing dummies.

C-Minus- And it worked. I didn't even smell the mildew from when you said Scream 3 was the last movie.

Ghostface- This is a new trilogy/reboot/remake (whatever offends each potential viewer less).

C-Minus- Well I gotta blog for a while and this gimmick isn't gonna be funny anytime soon. Good talking to you.

Ghostface- C-Minus wait!!!!! I need to toy with you more before get the poorly planned murdering on!

SCRE4M is a strange, strange version of Scream 1 but where Scream 1 already happened and characters acknowledging it every other line of dialogue. They make jokes about what happened in the first movie, and then they do exactly what happened in the first movie. Not only do these self and past aware characters make the same mistakes, they make those mistakes with the exact same characters who went through the same experience over the past 3 movies.

Once you get past the fact that everyone in the movie is an idiot, there are some jumps to be had in the movie and while I didn't laugh, the ignorant movie going audience seemed to. When did the laughs happen in Scre4m they were during the swear words and the stabs to private spots.

And when the murderers are revealed... well its a slight variation on the first movie. And I really wish at least one of them wouldn't have been caught. It would have handed over the reigns of the franchise to some new people, which is good because the original 3 are kind of terrible, and actually been interesting to see the spin in future scream movies. Future scream movies will be happening btw, whether this movie makes no money or every money. I will make this bet with you the same way I made it with multiple people who saw the 3rd one and said "no way! there'll never be another one!"

It's a dumb slasher movie, and I think knowing the original 3 might actually hinder your enjoyment of it.

*Also there is an awesome production problem that I thought was a clever reveal of the murderer. One character comes back from shopping while the others are being chased. All the stuff in her shopping bags was previously opening, most noticeably a box of cereal that wasn't even closed properly. I think that might have been a clue to an alternate ending since this actress seems like she wouldn't have signed on unless she could have a decent part.

The Joneses (There is a $ sign in the first S of the title that I refuse to put in there based on principal)

I will start this review by revealing the premise (twist?) of the Joneses: They are a group of marketing/sales people posing as a rich family. They go into a community and make new friends and admirers for the sole purpose of selling them stuff and hooking them on new brands. The premise is awesome and as of 70 minutes into the movie the only thing notable about the movie.

The Jonseses are composed of the beautifully creepy couple of Demi Moore and David Doucovany, I really think David has had as much work done as Demi as they both look like cryogenically frozen 20 year olds who are sagging in instead of sagging out. They have two 30 year old kids playing 18 year olds. One is gay and the other is that girl who shows her boobs in every movie that's not "Drive Angry 3D."

The Joneses is one of those movies that you can tell were made with janky producers or a budget that got slashed at last minute as everything feels really small. Small cast despite a big premise, and now that I think of it, David Duchovyanany and Demi Moore are really weird people to be headlining this thing, I bet if it was 1997 it would be the biggest movie of the year (I said that about Knight and Day when I saw it this year as well).

But lets get back into the movie. Right now the climax is playing as David Doucahni is revealing himself to be the salesman to the community after someone kills himself trying to be like him. The camera work has gotten all jumbly after being classically shot earlier, this is either done to push the emotional aspects or the janky producers didn't rent the steadycam for enough days.

I'm trying to find out why I don't like this movie despite the adequate cast and premise that is really up my alley. I think the issue is that the movie has really nothing to offer. There is no drama as these people are fake and no one is really on to their charade. I find both the leads creepy looking, still capable of arousing me, but creepy and don't care if they get together since I think they are composed of the same replacement flesh.

Yesterday at work I told the workwife a joke to which she replied "that's comical" without any emotion. What I told her had the set up and punchline of a joke (also the racism and misogyny of my typical subject matter) but none of the heart. That's kind of how I feel about the few attempts this movie makes to be funny or satirical. Oh I get it, their relationships are just like ours even when they are frauds. Wow movie, I never caught on that half of my relationships are built around purchases! Thanks for teaching me about myself movie, now let me get my book of how to create real stakes and drama in a script so I can teach you about being a movie.

The Joneses have the appearance of a successful family but they are a hollow facsimile, "The Joneses" has the appearance of a smart culturally relavant dramdey but it is a hollow facsimile.

Battle: LA is like watching you play Call of Duty on a Waterbed

This will be a quick one because the movie is stupid and I'm tired.

Battle: LA actually looked interesting from the trailers. They were doing this limited explanation thing in an attempt to mimic District 9. And the attempt was successful because I went into the movie hoping it would be District 10 even after the terrible reviews.

Sadly Battle: LA is only like District 9 in the verte (I AINT PLANNING OUT NO CAMERA PLACEMENT) camera placement and ugly-esque aliens. The rest of it just throws in enough bro-emotions and AMERICA! to cover the lack of story. Here is the entire story of Battle:LA.

1. Army guys waiting around for something to happen

2. Aliens come in without warning and start shooting people

3. Army finds the enemies weakspot and tries to save some civilians

4. Army finds rescue copter but goes back to look for a command post

5. Army destroys command post and rest of world learns to do the same

6. END

Story points 1-6 took me 2 minutes to write, this movie felt close to 2 hours long. To fill in the extra 118 minutes there are random Army guy shouts, loud gunfire and shaky cam. That's it. During the movie I was falling asleep because everything was equally super-loud and the shaky cam was rocking me to sleep, I left the theatre to get junk food and realized the sound was following me down the hall. I closed my eyes for a moment and pretended I was in a war zone. Little bits of other movies like "Limitless" seeped in to my eardrums among Battle's gunshots and screaming, it was quite the audio experience. It actually made me wish I was blind and partially retarded so I could have a better movie going experience.

The shaky cam on this movie is really ridiculous, I don't know if I made that clear. It ruins what were some decent and low key effects for the most part. The director would claim this is to make the action feel more emotional and visceral but it was a lazy/cheap move that dampened what little impact the movie could have had.

Final note on Battle: LA. Arron Eckart (TwoFace from Dark Knight) is an awesome actor, even though him as a army guy is a stretch, but if you don't have him talking all slick like a lawyer there is no reason to have this guy in any movie ever. Save your money and give Skeet Ullrich a hot meal or something and he'll do it just as well.

Limitless is 50% movie 50% editing and 100% HANDSOME

I've met a few Bradley Coopers in my life, and I have hated all of them. I think my problem with Bradley Cooper in real life is that he is an a-hole, and not the lovable/self-aware a-hole that I attempt to be, but a 100% self serving prick.

The Bradley Cooper I lived across the hall from in college was the worst person I have ever encountered. He worked out to the point of looking anorexic, coated in a layer of grease that gave him another excuse to keep his shirt off, and more concerned with his hair than a man should be. I can accept and even appreciate those things in a person, but the personality... oh the personality. Confrontational to an inhuman amount, like a rabid dog when he catches the slightest wif of disobedience or someone in his vicinity with a different view point. Would only function when he captured 100% of the attention and directed 100% of the scorn towards the weakest person in the area. Oh and ladies, does he have some kind words to charm you with. Words that were successful, and then followed up with some true/fictional stories about his adventures with you that are fit for a bathroom wall.

So I hate Bradley Cooper in real life. But thankfully Bradley Cooper also exists as a marginally talented actor who has recently gotten famous enough to start headlining movies like the recently released Limitless.

Limitless is about a lazy guy who gets a drug that makes him use his brain more effectively, and his uses for it are 100% self serving. I like this plot. The fact that this guy doesn't want to use his ill-gotten powers for good makes me smile because that's how it would be in real life. Bradley Cooper's motivation is probably the only connection Limitless has to real life, the rest of it is a cartoon.

So 45% of the movie is spent seeing Bradley use his smarts to charm people, have sex with people, make money, and be stupid. Morals are not improved by the drug because the character has no problems cheating on his long term girlfriend or putting her life in danger.

30% of the movie is used to come up with the most random obstacles for smart Bradley Cooper to overcome and then throwing those obstacles out the window whenever they get too boring or hard to explain. The low supply of of the drug is dealt with by either making a better version of it or being smart without it. The drug fueled bad guys are dispatched by drinking their blood to get smart and killing their homeys. The Gordon Gecko-like figure that Bobert DeNero plays is dealt with by.... actually I don't know, there was like a "6 Months Later" thing that just shoved him in a limo and sent him on his way. The 10 people that get killed in this movie because of our hero are dealt with by ignoring the cops or hiring a lawyer.

The final 25% of Limitless is filled with editing tricks or clever ways to hide the low budget of the movie. Blackouts or fast forwards are used to cover up scenes that the movie couldn't afford or figure out. Flashbacks and random informational video thingies are used to connect the dots to whatever this minutes dilemma is for our Smart Druggie. I feel like the budget got slashed in the middle of this thing and they just started firing people but kept production going on the movie because it goes from well-shot to a mess on a scene by scene basis.

In the end the character learns nothing and yet might become our new president. How do I feel about a morally reprehensible-drug addicted Bradley Cooper running our country? I'D TAKE HIM ANY DAY OVER THAT SOCIALIST ALIEN WE GOT NOW! SHOW ME A BIRTH CERTIFICATE! SHOW ME IT RIGHT NOW!

Someone let my rape jokes write a movie and called it: SUCKER PUNCH

Upon receiving the gift of a left over concession coupon book, I decided to treat myself to a movie. And that movie was SUCKER PUNCH.

You have heard the joke of a plot by now but here it is again. Sucker Punch is about a messed up girl in a mental ward who creates not 1 but 2 alternate realities to help her cope/escape. Mental institution becomes erotic dance camp, erotic dance camp becomes Final Fantasy cut scene. I feel like the VISIONARY FILMMAKER performed this setting transition whenever he ran out of ideas/talent to make the current one work. Not only do we have an unwieldily premise we have an uneasy tone that neither the people involved in making the movie or the people watching it can handle.

So we have our main character, who has a dumb name so I am going to call her VICTIM. She is a victim, her attempts to fight back are met with imprisonment, rape (not sure if this actually happened because the filmmaker is a coward), and a lobotomy (SPOILERZ). The VICTIM looks like a barely legal adult film actress no matter what setting she is acting in and she's got some friends, which all fare better aside from the High School Musical girl. Nothing in this film really counts as a performance aside from the Mad Men guy doing his Mad Men thing at the end.

The script sounds as if it was written by the biggest punk in a small town sunday school class. The type of kid who would just throw out the word nazi or molestation because he was bored and wanted to get a small group discussion off topic. When challenged why he would bring up such an unrelated topic he would just put his headphones back on or resume texting. Not accountable for what he says, just wanted attention and then couldn't figure out the right way to get it, and then didn't know what to do with the spotlight which he highjacked from the proper stars.

The women in the movie are held captive by the men, the girls formulate a generic plan and then do a triple-dream to pull it off. Or not pull it off. I can't really tell if any of them succeeded or not. About half of the movie is cut to a cover/remix of a classic song, I actually didn't mind this because it hid the terrible acting/dialouge and showcased what the director is good at, which is camera angles and transitions.

The Good:
-Zach Snyder (VISIONARY FILMMAKER) uses a really warm lens/digital finish in all of his movies and I like it. It's getting old because this is the third time in a row he's used it, but it works.
-The Mad Men guy, I said "Hey what's up?" in the theater when I saw him. Good to see him out of the Ad Agency.
- I had a coupon for free roasted almonds, they were awesome.
- Tricked the guy to let me buy a student ticket, I'm a pro like that.
- I saw it alone. All my movie friends left me so this is the ideal scenario for this stage in my life.
- The music was good
- Jamie from Real World San Diego is still acting!

The Bad:
- VICTIM's make-up, pouty face, deliberate aging down to make it more creepy or deviant
- You don't ever see the girls dance, a cut away from the action/mayhem and back to what was "really" happening would have done a lot to make this thing more watchable
- What does Sucker Punch mean? Its a joke title for a non-joke movie... a more appropriate title would be "Exploited Girls Gone Wild"
- Fighting sections could have had some/any type of correlation with each other to trick me into thinking it wasn't a complete waste of time.
- High School Musical girl was the worst part of a terrible movie
- Carla Gugino's polish accent/character was the worst thing to happen to a sweet actress
- It's a creepy creepy PG13

The Verdict:
- The movie made a bad impression on my, but at least it made an impression. I would recommend at least looking at part of it to see how misguided it is. I did not become aroused at all during this movie which I think means that I am starting to respect women.

Watching Spartacus makes me feel like a man

Watching episode 3 of Sparticus via Netflix streaming. I initially clicked on it because the box cover was all like GRRRRR! and I was all like "why's Kevin Federline so clean and angry?" After 2 episodes of Spartacus I have found there are many reasons why Kevin Federline is angry and the show is built around him working out that anger.

There are things notable about the Spartacus television series and I would like to share my 3 episodes of experience with you.

1. Spartacus has the worst special effects that I have ever seen in a professional media production.

I can tell that the producers of Spartacus were challenged with producing 13 episodes of 300 with the budget of 13 episodes of Sesame Street. Instead of playing to the low budget strengths with clever editing and scripting around budget constraints, Spartacus does a bunch of CGI stuff but just stops rendering when the VFX checks start to bounce.

The sky looks like a water color painting and the characters have terrible green screen artifacts around them. Certain spots look like someone's playing a game of You're in the Movies.

2. Spartacus is naked. So are his friends and enemies. So are the characters he has yet to meet.

Try as I might I have yet to see the member of Spartacus, every other inch of his body is permanently imprinted in my mind. As for the rest of the cast, yeah hung or not hung they are on display in about half of the scenes they are in. In my analysis of Love and Other Drugs, I mentioned that every time Anne Hathaway acted she had to show a boob. In Spartacus every line of dialogue must be matched with a close up of the characters frank and beans. Any nonverbal action a character has must be paired with a butt shot.

3. Spartacus is visceral.

Visceral: Having to do with the response of the body as opposed to the intellect, as in the distinction between feeling and thinking.

If I was a wild animal I probably wouldn't make it through a complete episode of of Spartacus without dying of some combination violence and some more basic animal need. Probably 75% of the 3 episodes are either fighting or lovemaking with a equal amount of screaming in each. The pairings do not discriminate among genders, which makes me wonder if this show is produced to help GLAAD or to spite it.

Despite the accents (which range from meh to terrible) and the iambic pentameter, there is no plot to Spartacus aside from revenge and hostility. If you can follow the the drama and subtext of a dogfight then you will have no problems keeping up with Spartacus. If anyone says they are watching this show for something other than the dirty stuff then I would advise you to not believe their lies and report them to the nearest authority.

4. Xena Warrior Princess is in this

She is getting older but it's good to see her working again.

5. They seriously just did the screen split trick to make a bunch more trumpet players.

SLEEPY CRICKET did you make this? Seriously you need to tell me if this is something you shot with your digital camera.

DragonBall

I finally watched the DragonBall movie. DragonBall Evolution, it’s called. I haven’t figured out why yet.

Maybe it was just because they evolved from a cartoon into a movie.

Speaking of the cartoon, I used to watch it. Like a lot. I had the action figures and I bought the tapes and I ran around the house pretending to kamehameha the hell out of everything. That went on until I started reading Harry Potter, then I started running around my house pretending to expelliarmus the hell out of everything. (And in case you’re imagining a 7 or 8 year old Fedora, imagine again. The DragonbBall phase was middle school, and the good ole Potter phase was throughout high school.) The difference between these two obsessions is in the retrospect. Looking back, Harry Potter is still awesome, DragonBall is lame. I now know the only reason I liked it at all was because I’ve always wanted to do magic in some way, and DB just happened to fill the void.

But enough about why I’m awkward and have no friends, this is about DBE, baby!

(Sorry about calling you all ”baby”)

First of all the director (or producer, or editor, or whoever sets the pace, I know nothing about this) must have been in the process of switching his meds from Riddilin to Adderall or something, because it was so damn jumpy that even the most ADHD kid would have been content. This may not have struck me so much if it wasn’t in such a sharp contrast to the cartoon, which would often drag its Super Saiyan feet for 12 episodes before anything happened.

Next of all, the acting and the storyline and thecinematography (blah blah blah….no one cares about this Way ADD (Way-DD?) film’s every minutia the way you do, Fedora, just shut up and keep the post from being too long and stupid. )

In conclusion, Qi energy is real. Honest.

The EE Famous People/Movie Awards 2010

Welcome everyone to the Expedited Emotions Famous People Awards. We at the awards have viewed every single piece of media created in 2010 and would like to reward those who have been exceptional in their work. Without further delay let's hand out some well deserved awards.

Best Visual Effects- Splice

Many movies in 2010 had bigger budgets, but Splice had the biggest balls and showed it in it's depiction of Dren. Where as a lesser movie would have accomplished the human alien hybrid though CGI, Splice actually asked an actress to cover her normal bits with makeup and her naughty bits with nothing. Is bad makeup and gratuitous nudity a special effect? Yes, it is the most special effect on earth.

Best Direction- Splice

Many would highlight David Fincher for his technical mastery in The Social Network or Darren Aronosfky for the depths he pushed Natalie Portman in Black Swan. For the Expedited Emotions Famous People Awards we took a look at what the director had to deal with. Some directors direct actors, some direct animals; but only ... the guy who directed Splice directed Human/Animal Hybrids. On top of that he had to tell Adrien Brody and that one girl how to act like the dumbest scientists in the world. With all of those variables the fact that Splice has a beginning middle and end is nothing short of a miracle and we would be the second dumbest scientists in the world if we gave the award to any other movie.

Best Screenplay- Splice

At first the thing is like part of an animal and one of the scientists. Then its a otter looking thing. Then it's a little girl baby thing. Then its a naked woman thing that gives male members of the audience inverted boners when they think about the sexual acts which will no doubt be taking place at all of the convenient act breaks. And then it turns into a murderous man thing that wants to be "in....side....you." How can we give this award to anyone else? This doesn't even take into account the hastily thrown in subplot of the female scientists mommy issues.

Best use of 3D- Splice

The best use of 3D is the non-use of 3D, and in this regard Splice is the only non-3D movie released in 2010 so it is the obvious winner.

Most deserving of a direct to DVD sequel that I will see on Netflix streaming one day and get super pumped about- Splice

Oh man, I promise you Splice 2 will come out in the next couple of years. Anyone who would potentially have to be paid a lot has been killed off, and there is always Splicey looking models looking to break into acting on the cheap. If Splice 2 is not made in the next 2 years then I will produce, write, direct and star in it myself.

Thanks to all of the nominees this year. Despite films being worth less and less in the audiences minds each day, what you do is important and we hope you keep pushing the boundries of good taste and naked alien looking things.

Guest Post, courtesy of the Voice of Reason

Since clearly you need a break from C-Minus and Sleepy Cricket is not dedicated to filling that void in your life, I am here to save the day.

C-Minus asked me to contribute something that might be worthy, and all I could think was, "Are you sure you want to be published on the same page as these two guys?" Followed by, "What on earth would I have to say that is even relevant to an audience that is largely non-existent?"

Thankfully, I'm a woman, so I have trouble shutting up and can find plenty to talk about on subjects that men would never dare approach. Today I thought I would dump on crap that I dislike as a woman.

1. How modern society dumps on women doing traditional things: So I like cooking. Don't tell me I'm not a feminist because I like baking. I just happen to make awesome cookies and I know that the fastest way to get those cookies is to make them myself. That does not imply that I want some baboon of a man to tell me to "get in the kitchen and make me a sandwich." In fact, I will slap you if you say that. I just think that the beauty of feminism is that women can now choose what they want to do with their lives.

2. Romantic comedies: I know what you're saying now... WTF? A girl who doesn't like romantic comedies? Okay, so here's the thing. While I like the storyline and enjoy the fact that I can watch an entire movie without gratuitous gore, I generally hate how perfect the whole situation is. First of all, I've done some research, and it appears men like that do not exist. Second of all, real women are not that pretty and we do have personalities. Sorry. And not only that, but no matter how many times I watch Sleepless in Seattle, it never seems like a good idea to hook up with a stranger you've talked with for literally 30 seconds at the top of the Empire State Building. Call me crazy.

3. Men: They're all irritating me, for reasons I can't reveal.

4. Dating: It's the most inventive form of torture we have that is currently allowed by the Geneva Convention. And if you don't believe me, get on e-Harmony sometime and try to meet somebody who is interesting and/or not desperate.

5. Girls who act dumb: You are an abomination to my gender. Thanks for moving us back a hundred and fifty years in time. If you are so emotionally insecure that you have to act dumb in order to find and keep a man, you should probably pull out a phone book and look under "Shrink" because that's who you need to be calling. Work on your self confidence because, let's face it, you're better than that and you know it.

I would like to point out that not all women feel the same way as me (men, read this as: ALL WOMEN ARE DIFFERENT). I would also like to point out that this is not a complete list, and as I am a woman, I will likely change my mind on all of this in an hour or so.

I hope this post was more constructive than a Michigan road. Thank you, gentlemen, for the opportunity to make this happen.

Notable stuff in "Love and Other Drugs"

Finally saw the recent flop "Love and Other Drugs" this evening and I thought I would post some thoughts about it on this forgotten about flop of a blog. Before I get started though, has anyone had received any proof of life on SLEEPY CRICKET recently? I'm looking for something more real than a facebook update or txt message... maybe something like a blog post?

5 Notable things about "Love and Other Drugs"

Everytime Anne Hathaway acts, she has to show a boob. I'm going to assume it is not acting for a woman to act like she is attracted to Jake Gylenhal. I don't actually think I would be acting if I pretended to be attracted to Jake Gylenhal, because it wouldn't be pretending. But in the movie Anne Hathaway has an illness that rears its head whenever it is neccessary to move the movie forward or hold it back. In those scenes there is crying or screaming or shaking body parts. But for each scene that is sent for consideration for an academy award, the movie gives us a scene of equivelent length of Anne Hathaway's boob doing something. When her character is just doing one thing like trying to open a medicine bottle, we will just be treated to one boob. But if she is doing two things like making a joke and acting coy, we will soon be exposed to both boobs.

"Love and Other Drugs"= 40% Anne Hathaway Acting+ 40% Anne Hathaway Boobs+ 20% Jake Gylenhal trying to learn how to act or see boobs.

"Love and Other Drugs" is every single movie. What kind of movie do you want to see tonight? Well before you answer "Love and Other Drugs" will try to be that movie for 15 minutes before giving up and moving on to the next genre.

The following things happen in the movie:

Cocky guy becomes responsible (Coming of age story)

Scientist play God and try to create a hybrid animal (SPLICE)

Fat actor says things loudly (Jack Black movie)

Overly long sex scenes (The Room)

Cocky guy tries to start a real relationship with manic pixie dream girl (Garden State)

Cocky guy tries to sell stuff or win something (competitive movie)

Girl is sick (Love story)

Bitter Doctor keeps it real (that one... every episode of house)

Serial killer puts people in traps that test their willingness to live (Saw 1-8)

Dinosaurs cloned through bugs caught in tree sap (Jurrassic Park)

And that is far from all that "Love and Other Drugs" tries to be.

"Love and Other Drugs" has viagra jokes. See it's funny because the drug affects your penis (unless you are a woman, then it has no affect on your penis).

"Love and Other Drugs" almost made me lose my wallet. I feel like movie seats are made so that crap falls on the ground.

"Love and Other Drugs" has a twist ending. Turns out she was already dead and he was talking to her ghost the entire time.

Despite its many flaws its a watchable but totally misguided movie. I also pray that the character playing the fat brother character never acts again.

Men who deserve your respect: Matthew David McConaughey

There is something to be respect about a man who knows what he is. I wish I knew who I was and acted accordingly. That is why I am proud to announce the first man who deserves your respect to be Matthew David McConaughey. When Matthew David McConaughey first broke in to real movies like Dazed and Confused and A Time to Kill (he was the one who didn't say "YES THEY DESERVED TO DIE...") people were all like, "This guy is the next pre-fat Marlon Brando!" And hearing humanity's cry Matthew David McConaughey whispered.... "no."

"I am not Marlon Brando, in fact I'm not really sure who that guy is aside from my favorite part of Island of Dr. Monroe. I am a cartoon version of what today's WalMart-woman fantasy man is. I am going to do the easiest movies with the biggest paychecks. I am going to take my shirt off, a lot. I am going to keep working this accent till I make Texan people sound not-Texan"

Matthew David McConaughey has lived up to this statement of purpose for over 20 years in the acting industry. Any attempts to be something more than that rapidly aging hot guy were met with guffaws, not just by movie-goers but by Matthew David McConaughey himself.

In my 27 years I have built up quite the quote book, one of my more recent gems was "I can be more than funny" (which was said with a straight face because I totally meant it and was trying to impress a girl with it). If I were half the man Matthew David McConaughey is I would have said, "I might be able to be more than funny, but why try when being funny gets me paid with the least amount of effort. Alright I gotta go, Lance Armstrong needs me to help him stretch out before his next commercial." God made Matthew David McConaughey a likeably generic southerner, God gave me the ability to string a humorous sentence together; if I could only be as happy with my gifts as Matthew David McConaughey is with his.

But we see that Matthew David McConaughey is a very successful (financially) actor, and I still live in my mother's basement (40% by choice). So some gifts are appreciated by society and some are less appreciated... but unlike Matthew David McConaughey I am too afraid to stake my claim on my God given gifts. Too insecure to be content to be the man that God made me to be. My infrequent quest for self improvement is just a sad joke that only I find amusing (like those 9/11 ones). If I had Matthew David McConaughey's faith I would march my PT Cruiser down to New York, force my way on stage during Amateur Night at the Apollo and present my God given gift.

I'm not going to perform at Amateur Night at the Apollo. The closest I imagine myself coming to it is performing my Cat Poem at the next youth group talent show. Right now I am so on the fence about being who I am that even updating this blog is a stretch. The only reason I update as often as I do is that SLEEPY CRICKET and my lopsided partnership in the blog gives me something to throw back in his face whenever I remember how much better his job and other opportunities are than mine. I think God also made me really good about being bitter so I'm going to follow in the footsteps of Matthew David McConaughey and call him out.

You hear that Jason? I blog more than you. And I just bought a projector for 7% of the price of yours so you can't non-verbally/not-actually hold that over my head any more. Hope you're having fun in Ohio, or as they call it America's Sphincter (my girlfriend.... ahem MY GIRLFRIEND informs me that the sphincter, doesn't just mean an A-Hole... eh whatever you get the picture, if you aren't offended by that, please tell me something else you hold dear so that I may insult that instead. How are you by the way? Are you coming back for the holidays? If I could meet your family at that chinese buffet again that would be fun. I have a christmas card for you but I'm too lazy to mail it.)

I am watching High School Musical non-ironically

and yet I am still more of a man tonight than Sleepy Cricket. You know why? When this Disney Channel Original Movie is over I can resume my normal life with this secret pleasure behind me. But Sleepy Cricket, well apparently his secret pleasure has been accepted by society. Yes, it is true SLEEPY'S obsession with the time/life/COOL sink World of Warcraft is real... and it's killing him.

The lunch room musical number has inspired me to plead with SLEEPY to kick the WoW habit.

"No, no, no, nooooooooooo

(stop playing World of Warcraft)

No, no, no
(seriously, the expansion doesn't make WoW any more acceptable to play)

Stick to the stuff you know

(like anti-social activities that people find endearing despite you being 24)
If you wanna be cool

(and that is your life's goal)
Follow one simple rule

(or any rule you CONTRARIAN)
Don't mess with the flow, no no

(I think Zach Efron is prettier than Vennessa Hudgens. I bet his vagina's got less gunk in it too what do you think?)
Stick to the status quo

MOVIE UPDATE: The non-show tune score of this movie is just a bigger budget ROOM theme.

Anyways here are some things that SLEEPY should be doing instead of WoW:

1. Make a strong part in your recently growed out hair. Only my Efron can pull off the comb down thing that you been pushing. Have you thought about curling your hair into a carrot top style afro and becoming mulatto? I think that would be a good look for you.

2. Join the local high school play. Just imagine if you put your angst to good use? I bet you could sing the heck out of "Get your head in the game" or that other one.

3. Pay attention and sing duets with Gabriella. That girl that just transferred to your office because her mother's job got moved to Albuquerque. She said she used to be a freaky math girl, but here at East High she's just happy to blend in. I bet if you took a break from WoW you could spend some time with her and teach her that stage fright is nothing to be stage frightened of through the power of song.

4. GET YOUR HEAD IN THE GAME. If you didn't spend so much time focusing on your virtual character you would realize how far you've fallen from your potential. As HSM has shown you can be either a basketball player or a drama-kid, those are your choices... and you aren't either so obviously you need to focus more about where you are in your life.

5. My favorite character in High School Musical is the black girl's hair and the stuff that she has in her hair. In the beginning she had like this 5" headband thing, and later on in the movie they show her progress as a non-character by not having things restraining her hair. So it's got this shake and weave and stuff and it really seems to be acting it's follicles out. I hope they give her hair lines and possibly a song in the sequel.

This could be the start

(but only if you stop playing WoW)
Of something new

(such as having a real life)
It feels so right

(probably feel even right-er if you quit the blog as well [LET YOU EVER STARTED THE BLOG IN THE FIRST PLACE])

To be here with you

(...)
And now looking in your eyes

(...)
I feel in my heart
(...)

The start of something new

(... Ok I'm sick of hiding this, I'm jealous of the relationship with World of Warcraft. I wish you could base your life around this blog or just our relationship like you do that darn game. Why can't our love for each other be enough? If you want to throw away 13.95 a month then we can go to steak and shake. I know I'm not John Pudy but... you know what I'm here. And I've been her month after month despite you letting our friendship subscription lapse. If you put as much attention on me as you did that game then.... well I can't promise you'd level up but you could probably get a mount out of it.)

Ok so the Basketball/Quiz Bowl/Musical Audition scene is taking place so I must end this post before I get too wrapped up in the spirit of the movie and embarrass myself.

TOODLES!

C- Minus

You can't make an omelet without breaking

OUT SOME DELETED SCENES!

Ok its not a scene it's 2 lines and its terrible. Speaking of terrible I am watching Operation: Endgame. It's got everyone of "THAT GUY!"'s from other movies and has them just improving vulgarities around a super low budget DVD spy movie. I'm wondering what actually made the actors say yes to this. Probably just an easy paycheck and a week of notacting. I guess the better question is why does this movie exist? Why did anyone give this guy money? I'm assuming the famous faces are enough to recoup the cost.. but why does it exist?

Did the guy behind this have a story he wanted to tell? I can't imagine so. Why does any piece of media exist? Why do I keep making my little videos that I am immediately embarrassed by? I don't think its completely an ego thing. I also don't think, at least in this project, it was some epic tale that I needed to get out of me. I have that epic. And I'm not going to tell anyone about it until I'm ready to do it. Oh forget it, its a less hacky version of Crash set in a liquidating Meijer-esque superstore. Instead of an examination of race it would look at class systems and values. In my head its pretentious as heck and I'm not working on it until it doesn't make me sound like a douche.

Movie update: Rob Coddry just killed the black kid from Tropic Thunder with a papershredder. It would have been cool if they would have had any type of effects/prop budget, but as with every movie made since Bourne it just cuts away or gets shaky.

I think I made Management Material to prove to myself that I still had it in me. It had been a while since I tried something serious... or seriouser than a holiday video. And it didn't turn out great but it had a beginning middle and end. I'm not some tortured artist, and I think thats why at the end of the day I can get something done. Where as others would cry after what they don't have I can usually put something together with what little I have.

Move update: That girl who is always the nemesis in romantic comedies just killed the blond pregnant girl from LOST with the blade of a paper cutter. It was better when John Stewart did it in the Faculty.

I'm now 45 minutes into the movie, I still hate it but maybe it was this dude's first gig writing/directing or whatever. Maybe this wasn't what he wanted to do but it was what was available. A stepping stone to something special. He'll move on from this one, to a slightly less cruddy one, and maybe if he doesn't loose his soul he'll make something real.

Movie update: Character just witnessed violence and asked the camera (POV of another actor) if it was appropriate to be turned on right now. I now have the urge to cut that running line out of Management Material or just delete the entire project to remove any association with this movie.

I have a secret, you have to promise not to tell anyone

I'm serious, you can't tell anyone. It's gonna be a bunch of drama if anyone else finds out. Ok so I've been wanting to tell someone this for a while now. My secret is that Leonardo DiCaprio is a terrible actor. Yes I know it's crazy, but you have to believe me. I seen him act. With my own eyes. He is the absolute worst actor who has ever seriously thought they could act. I have proof. Look at the evidence before you disbelieve me:

1. Leonardo DiCaprio is a terrible actor because he looks like the 13th most popular dude at a small town high school:

Not the one that is popular because of his looks talent or dad owning a dealership, but the one who is popular because he is an ahole towards the non privileged for the 1-12 most popular dudes enjoyment. The one who practiced his stare in the mirror and took any and all opportunities to go shirtless, showing off the frame of a prepubescent boy.

Oh I remember how you ladies used to talk about the Allegan county equivelent to you Leo: "You know he may only be the 13th most popular dude at our small town high school but with his shirt off he looks like an anime character. And I saw this one anime with tentacle penetration. And by this one anime I mean EVERY ANIME."

2. I can hear Leonardo thinking every time he is on screen:

And it goes a little something like this:

"Oh look at me I'm Leonardo DiCaprio! Oh shoot what movie is this one? Oh they want me to be serious right now. I'm gonna glare at this dude. Step 1 Leo remember to furrow your brow. Think back to the day "Growing Pains" got canceled just a year after they brought you in for comic relief. Pretty sad. Thata boy Leo you are doing great! Oh shoot much lower paid character actors are acting at me... what am I gonna do? I'm gonna scream and pretend I'm in an entirely different movie they are, that will get the Academy to notice me! Oh Marty Scorsesse will be so proud of me. So proud. Hollywood might even throw me another Victoria's Secret girl if I do good. Ok for the rest of this scene I'll just do the same stuff I've been doing every move since "Gilbert Grape" and mentally repeat I THINK I CAN I THINK I CAN I THINK I CAN I THINK I CAN."

3. He is the only actor that gets cast in real (well funded movies), and he pisses all over each and everyone of them:

Adult movies don't get made any more, at least not at any reasonable budget. What gets made are products and franchises. I like products/franchises but when the last 2 rationale adults in Hollywood put some monies together on a decent looking film without a happy meal tie in, who do they bring in to ruin it? Leonardo DiCaprio. I get it... he appeals to everyone or something, but so does Dwayne the Rock Johnson and I would buy him as J. Edgar Hoover a heck of a lot quicker than that prick from the DEPAWRTRED (did I get Leo's Boston accent right? I hope so, I probably spent more time spelling it than he did practicing it).

Ok I'm done, this secret I have told you probably qualifies me as unAmerican or something. I hope whatever pictures this douche has of the 7 Scientologists that control Hollywood are dirty enough to warrant him ruining every decent looking movie released for the past/next 10 years.