SCRE4M. People owes me money because they said this movie would never exist.

Phone- *ring ring

C-Minus- Hello.

Phone- Hello Sydney

C-Minus- Hi Ghostface. I think you have the wrong number

Ghostface- SYDNEY IS DEAD. WHAT'S YOUR FAVORITE SCARY MOVIE?

C-Minus- Sydney is not dead. I know this because I just walked out of SCRE4M, which coincidently is my favorite scary movie.

Ghostface- ....

C-Minus- I'm serious SCRE4M is my favorite scary movie. Of all time.

Ghostface- You can not be serious. It was a money grab from an over-leveraged studio using one of the few franchises that it has left. Luckily the principal actors were doing worse than we were and offered to work for scale. Then we exercised a bunch of options that we had with a bunch of fresh faces, we figured some of them will make nice stabbing dummies.

C-Minus- And it worked. I didn't even smell the mildew from when you said Scream 3 was the last movie.

Ghostface- This is a new trilogy/reboot/remake (whatever offends each potential viewer less).

C-Minus- Well I gotta blog for a while and this gimmick isn't gonna be funny anytime soon. Good talking to you.

Ghostface- C-Minus wait!!!!! I need to toy with you more before get the poorly planned murdering on!

SCRE4M is a strange, strange version of Scream 1 but where Scream 1 already happened and characters acknowledging it every other line of dialogue. They make jokes about what happened in the first movie, and then they do exactly what happened in the first movie. Not only do these self and past aware characters make the same mistakes, they make those mistakes with the exact same characters who went through the same experience over the past 3 movies.

Once you get past the fact that everyone in the movie is an idiot, there are some jumps to be had in the movie and while I didn't laugh, the ignorant movie going audience seemed to. When did the laughs happen in Scre4m they were during the swear words and the stabs to private spots.

And when the murderers are revealed... well its a slight variation on the first movie. And I really wish at least one of them wouldn't have been caught. It would have handed over the reigns of the franchise to some new people, which is good because the original 3 are kind of terrible, and actually been interesting to see the spin in future scream movies. Future scream movies will be happening btw, whether this movie makes no money or every money. I will make this bet with you the same way I made it with multiple people who saw the 3rd one and said "no way! there'll never be another one!"

It's a dumb slasher movie, and I think knowing the original 3 might actually hinder your enjoyment of it.

*Also there is an awesome production problem that I thought was a clever reveal of the murderer. One character comes back from shopping while the others are being chased. All the stuff in her shopping bags was previously opening, most noticeably a box of cereal that wasn't even closed properly. I think that might have been a clue to an alternate ending since this actress seems like she wouldn't have signed on unless she could have a decent part.

The Joneses (There is a $ sign in the first S of the title that I refuse to put in there based on principal)

I will start this review by revealing the premise (twist?) of the Joneses: They are a group of marketing/sales people posing as a rich family. They go into a community and make new friends and admirers for the sole purpose of selling them stuff and hooking them on new brands. The premise is awesome and as of 70 minutes into the movie the only thing notable about the movie.

The Jonseses are composed of the beautifully creepy couple of Demi Moore and David Doucovany, I really think David has had as much work done as Demi as they both look like cryogenically frozen 20 year olds who are sagging in instead of sagging out. They have two 30 year old kids playing 18 year olds. One is gay and the other is that girl who shows her boobs in every movie that's not "Drive Angry 3D."

The Joneses is one of those movies that you can tell were made with janky producers or a budget that got slashed at last minute as everything feels really small. Small cast despite a big premise, and now that I think of it, David Duchovyanany and Demi Moore are really weird people to be headlining this thing, I bet if it was 1997 it would be the biggest movie of the year (I said that about Knight and Day when I saw it this year as well).

But lets get back into the movie. Right now the climax is playing as David Doucahni is revealing himself to be the salesman to the community after someone kills himself trying to be like him. The camera work has gotten all jumbly after being classically shot earlier, this is either done to push the emotional aspects or the janky producers didn't rent the steadycam for enough days.

I'm trying to find out why I don't like this movie despite the adequate cast and premise that is really up my alley. I think the issue is that the movie has really nothing to offer. There is no drama as these people are fake and no one is really on to their charade. I find both the leads creepy looking, still capable of arousing me, but creepy and don't care if they get together since I think they are composed of the same replacement flesh.

Yesterday at work I told the workwife a joke to which she replied "that's comical" without any emotion. What I told her had the set up and punchline of a joke (also the racism and misogyny of my typical subject matter) but none of the heart. That's kind of how I feel about the few attempts this movie makes to be funny or satirical. Oh I get it, their relationships are just like ours even when they are frauds. Wow movie, I never caught on that half of my relationships are built around purchases! Thanks for teaching me about myself movie, now let me get my book of how to create real stakes and drama in a script so I can teach you about being a movie.

The Joneses have the appearance of a successful family but they are a hollow facsimile, "The Joneses" has the appearance of a smart culturally relavant dramdey but it is a hollow facsimile.

Battle: LA is like watching you play Call of Duty on a Waterbed

This will be a quick one because the movie is stupid and I'm tired.

Battle: LA actually looked interesting from the trailers. They were doing this limited explanation thing in an attempt to mimic District 9. And the attempt was successful because I went into the movie hoping it would be District 10 even after the terrible reviews.

Sadly Battle: LA is only like District 9 in the verte (I AINT PLANNING OUT NO CAMERA PLACEMENT) camera placement and ugly-esque aliens. The rest of it just throws in enough bro-emotions and AMERICA! to cover the lack of story. Here is the entire story of Battle:LA.

1. Army guys waiting around for something to happen

2. Aliens come in without warning and start shooting people

3. Army finds the enemies weakspot and tries to save some civilians

4. Army finds rescue copter but goes back to look for a command post

5. Army destroys command post and rest of world learns to do the same

6. END

Story points 1-6 took me 2 minutes to write, this movie felt close to 2 hours long. To fill in the extra 118 minutes there are random Army guy shouts, loud gunfire and shaky cam. That's it. During the movie I was falling asleep because everything was equally super-loud and the shaky cam was rocking me to sleep, I left the theatre to get junk food and realized the sound was following me down the hall. I closed my eyes for a moment and pretended I was in a war zone. Little bits of other movies like "Limitless" seeped in to my eardrums among Battle's gunshots and screaming, it was quite the audio experience. It actually made me wish I was blind and partially retarded so I could have a better movie going experience.

The shaky cam on this movie is really ridiculous, I don't know if I made that clear. It ruins what were some decent and low key effects for the most part. The director would claim this is to make the action feel more emotional and visceral but it was a lazy/cheap move that dampened what little impact the movie could have had.

Final note on Battle: LA. Arron Eckart (TwoFace from Dark Knight) is an awesome actor, even though him as a army guy is a stretch, but if you don't have him talking all slick like a lawyer there is no reason to have this guy in any movie ever. Save your money and give Skeet Ullrich a hot meal or something and he'll do it just as well.

Limitless is 50% movie 50% editing and 100% HANDSOME

I've met a few Bradley Coopers in my life, and I have hated all of them. I think my problem with Bradley Cooper in real life is that he is an a-hole, and not the lovable/self-aware a-hole that I attempt to be, but a 100% self serving prick.

The Bradley Cooper I lived across the hall from in college was the worst person I have ever encountered. He worked out to the point of looking anorexic, coated in a layer of grease that gave him another excuse to keep his shirt off, and more concerned with his hair than a man should be. I can accept and even appreciate those things in a person, but the personality... oh the personality. Confrontational to an inhuman amount, like a rabid dog when he catches the slightest wif of disobedience or someone in his vicinity with a different view point. Would only function when he captured 100% of the attention and directed 100% of the scorn towards the weakest person in the area. Oh and ladies, does he have some kind words to charm you with. Words that were successful, and then followed up with some true/fictional stories about his adventures with you that are fit for a bathroom wall.

So I hate Bradley Cooper in real life. But thankfully Bradley Cooper also exists as a marginally talented actor who has recently gotten famous enough to start headlining movies like the recently released Limitless.

Limitless is about a lazy guy who gets a drug that makes him use his brain more effectively, and his uses for it are 100% self serving. I like this plot. The fact that this guy doesn't want to use his ill-gotten powers for good makes me smile because that's how it would be in real life. Bradley Cooper's motivation is probably the only connection Limitless has to real life, the rest of it is a cartoon.

So 45% of the movie is spent seeing Bradley use his smarts to charm people, have sex with people, make money, and be stupid. Morals are not improved by the drug because the character has no problems cheating on his long term girlfriend or putting her life in danger.

30% of the movie is used to come up with the most random obstacles for smart Bradley Cooper to overcome and then throwing those obstacles out the window whenever they get too boring or hard to explain. The low supply of of the drug is dealt with by either making a better version of it or being smart without it. The drug fueled bad guys are dispatched by drinking their blood to get smart and killing their homeys. The Gordon Gecko-like figure that Bobert DeNero plays is dealt with by.... actually I don't know, there was like a "6 Months Later" thing that just shoved him in a limo and sent him on his way. The 10 people that get killed in this movie because of our hero are dealt with by ignoring the cops or hiring a lawyer.

The final 25% of Limitless is filled with editing tricks or clever ways to hide the low budget of the movie. Blackouts or fast forwards are used to cover up scenes that the movie couldn't afford or figure out. Flashbacks and random informational video thingies are used to connect the dots to whatever this minutes dilemma is for our Smart Druggie. I feel like the budget got slashed in the middle of this thing and they just started firing people but kept production going on the movie because it goes from well-shot to a mess on a scene by scene basis.

In the end the character learns nothing and yet might become our new president. How do I feel about a morally reprehensible-drug addicted Bradley Cooper running our country? I'D TAKE HIM ANY DAY OVER THAT SOCIALIST ALIEN WE GOT NOW! SHOW ME A BIRTH CERTIFICATE! SHOW ME IT RIGHT NOW!

Someone let my rape jokes write a movie and called it: SUCKER PUNCH

Upon receiving the gift of a left over concession coupon book, I decided to treat myself to a movie. And that movie was SUCKER PUNCH.

You have heard the joke of a plot by now but here it is again. Sucker Punch is about a messed up girl in a mental ward who creates not 1 but 2 alternate realities to help her cope/escape. Mental institution becomes erotic dance camp, erotic dance camp becomes Final Fantasy cut scene. I feel like the VISIONARY FILMMAKER performed this setting transition whenever he ran out of ideas/talent to make the current one work. Not only do we have an unwieldily premise we have an uneasy tone that neither the people involved in making the movie or the people watching it can handle.

So we have our main character, who has a dumb name so I am going to call her VICTIM. She is a victim, her attempts to fight back are met with imprisonment, rape (not sure if this actually happened because the filmmaker is a coward), and a lobotomy (SPOILERZ). The VICTIM looks like a barely legal adult film actress no matter what setting she is acting in and she's got some friends, which all fare better aside from the High School Musical girl. Nothing in this film really counts as a performance aside from the Mad Men guy doing his Mad Men thing at the end.

The script sounds as if it was written by the biggest punk in a small town sunday school class. The type of kid who would just throw out the word nazi or molestation because he was bored and wanted to get a small group discussion off topic. When challenged why he would bring up such an unrelated topic he would just put his headphones back on or resume texting. Not accountable for what he says, just wanted attention and then couldn't figure out the right way to get it, and then didn't know what to do with the spotlight which he highjacked from the proper stars.

The women in the movie are held captive by the men, the girls formulate a generic plan and then do a triple-dream to pull it off. Or not pull it off. I can't really tell if any of them succeeded or not. About half of the movie is cut to a cover/remix of a classic song, I actually didn't mind this because it hid the terrible acting/dialouge and showcased what the director is good at, which is camera angles and transitions.

The Good:
-Zach Snyder (VISIONARY FILMMAKER) uses a really warm lens/digital finish in all of his movies and I like it. It's getting old because this is the third time in a row he's used it, but it works.
-The Mad Men guy, I said "Hey what's up?" in the theater when I saw him. Good to see him out of the Ad Agency.
- I had a coupon for free roasted almonds, they were awesome.
- Tricked the guy to let me buy a student ticket, I'm a pro like that.
- I saw it alone. All my movie friends left me so this is the ideal scenario for this stage in my life.
- The music was good
- Jamie from Real World San Diego is still acting!

The Bad:
- VICTIM's make-up, pouty face, deliberate aging down to make it more creepy or deviant
- You don't ever see the girls dance, a cut away from the action/mayhem and back to what was "really" happening would have done a lot to make this thing more watchable
- What does Sucker Punch mean? Its a joke title for a non-joke movie... a more appropriate title would be "Exploited Girls Gone Wild"
- Fighting sections could have had some/any type of correlation with each other to trick me into thinking it wasn't a complete waste of time.
- High School Musical girl was the worst part of a terrible movie
- Carla Gugino's polish accent/character was the worst thing to happen to a sweet actress
- It's a creepy creepy PG13

The Verdict:
- The movie made a bad impression on my, but at least it made an impression. I would recommend at least looking at part of it to see how misguided it is. I did not become aroused at all during this movie which I think means that I am starting to respect women.

Heavy Rain- An American Shenmue as Performed by the French

During my senior year of high school as special little/large game called Shenmue came out and justified my love of the Dreamcast. It was an awkward and and occasionally perplexing adventure game where the action took a backseat to getting to know a young man as he investigates a murder. This game sadly wasn't enough to save the Dreamcast, in fact it probably was on of the things that did the system in.

12 years later we get a shockingly similar game with the same successes and largely the same failures. Seeing that I have been waiting paitently for a Shenmue follow up (no Shenmue 2 doesn't count) I was eager to play the "game."

"Game" is in quotes because Heavy Rain is an interactive movie. Anything that made Shenmue a game like experience like the fighting system or open world environments has been removed and replaced with brutally efficient storytelling. Maybe efficient is a stretch for Heavy Rain. Heavy Rain tells the story of four different characters who are looking into the a serial murderer known as the "Origami Killer."

The story basics have been done to death but the 4 person shifting format makes it interesting. I got annoyed at the perspective shifting every time something interesting was going to happen but it kept the "game" moving. The only possibly experience crippling problem with Heavy Rain is that the game was written and performed by French people. I don't really have too much against the French, but when only 1 out of 4 of the main characters can pronounce the villan's name (it's "origami" not "oRAYgAYME") then maybe the casting director should have bought American.

I can ignore the voice acting though, I can actually ignore a lot of stuff in media because it gives me a chance to use my imagination. The wrote in a mental back story for characters so the mispronunciation was due to something that happened off camera such as a stroke or learning to read phonically.

The action in the game is only quicktime events, which I think video games are trending away from but I really don't mind them. As a game Heavy Rain is a decent experience, it didn't bring me into the world like Shenmue did, mainly because there is no world to be brought into. There is a solid story in place and scenes to help the virtual-terrible actors act out.

I think this game is on to something, but I just wish they could crank games out like this faster and cheaper. Like do it like TellTale Games does with their adventure games, but instead of dumb 90's area puzzles just have a decision based/choose your own adventure style gameplay. I am happier with the $20 dollars that I spent on this 5 hour game than the $20 dollars I would have spent on a movie or something.

Killzone 3- A Nice Playing FPS on a very short leash with a poorly paced story.

I held out for a PS3 until they had a 160 gig unit with a 50 dollar gift card and this recently released game for 300. This is my attempt at a review of the game

"This is it guys." -Commander whatever his face from Killzone 3 on levels 1-End.

Killzone 3 is a strange one. It has been about 24 hours since I beat the game and I still don't know exactly what I played. Part of this is my problem as I did not play Killzone 1 (PS2) Killzone Liberation (PSP) or Killzone 2 (PS3), I think I enjoyed my time with Killzone 3 but I have no intentions of playing any of its predecessors and plan on selling it at first opportunity.

Killzone 3 = Gears of War story + Call of Duty Gameplay + Halo Misc. Stuff

Since this is the formula for how I view the game I will review each element separately.

Killzone 3 is a game about the conflict between ignorant space marines and Russian aliens. Each side is dumb and you won't care about any of them. They also shout every line of dialogue and there is a bunch of back and forth drama from other games that doesn't go anywhere. Despite not playing the previous games I just pretended this was a Gears of War sequel and continued moving my army guy forward down the corridor.

The story is generic and is just an extended wrap up of whatever happened in Killzone 2. It is a tactical retreat that is stretched out into a 10 hour campaign. And it starts and stops about 15 times with someone saying "This is it guys!" "We DID IT!" "OH KNOW THEY ARE BACK!" "ONE LAST TIME MEN!" "WE DID IT!" "I promise each and everyone of you, once this thing is dead we can go home and C-Minus can move on to the next game on his to-play list."

Move your army guy forward down the corridor. That is the gameplay from the Call of Duty series. When the Russian's/Alien's/non-whites put up a fight, just hide behind something and pick them off until the path is clear. Despite all the 'splosions and loud yelling this is a monorail and it moves forward at all times. Tactics include using whatever level appropriate toy they give you to kill the foreigners (jet pack/air strikes/etc..). It plays like a well refined shooter, but its refinement is partially due to the player being on such a short leash. If you are ok with the Call of Duty formula of running through a shooting gallery then this is a pleasant version of that but in space. If you are looking for any type of thought behind the mayhem then you should look else where.

While I never played it the original Killzone was described as a "Halo-Killer." It wasn't, and from what I remember the game was barely playable. But 3 games deep they are on to a competent and loud Playstation exclusive experience. With the game being solid it seems like they threw in a bunch of extra stuff to take another shot at being the next Halo. The game ends with some space stuff which is was something new that was tacked on to Halo Reach. You also have the ability to pick up and remove turrets and other previously stationary weapons which seems very Halo-esque. But what they should have taken from Halo was the open nature of the fighting. Even though you aren't controlling a squad in Halo you feel like you can read the enemies tactics and adjust accordingly. But in Killzone you move forward, get to cover, shoot, move forward, repeat.

http://www.giantbomb.com/quick-look-killzone-3/17-3797/

I hate video game media #3: They Hate Video games.

Final post about game media, you can resume reading blog after this post.

Hate is a strong word. I use incorrectly. I don't think I hate. In this case I care about deeply and get upset when video game media refuses to get with the program on how to cover video games. I understand there is a 24 hour news cycle or whatever and the information beast must be fed, but you are a machine. A machine that hates video games. Am I using hate incorrectly again? Probably but here is why video game media hates video games:

Video game media wants bad things to happen in the video game industry:

Activision laying off 400 or so people was the best thing to happen to most video game reporters since the last crummy thing that Activision did (getting into a fight with COD developer infinity ward) which was the best thing to happen to most video game reporters since the last crummy thing that EA did (... probably the old regime of business). I get it, I am a writer (eh.... ok no), it is easier to tear something down than build something up, but your website is not titled JoystiqSAREDRIVENBYCORPORATEGREED.com. I also understand that bad news is easier to find, write about and promote than the small successes that drive 95% of the world.

Video game media values games that do not exist instead of games that do exist

Most of my reasons that the media hates video games are problems with the reader as well. But are the media just giving us what we want or have they weened us on to what's easiest to produce. Video game media will push the heck out of previews and game announcements over reviews (unless the reviews are exclusive or early or something), and I guess that is due to the NEW in news but I look to the gaming media to see where my limited gaming time and monies should be spent, not to look at some gee wiz thing that has a 50% chance of being canceled or retooled beyond recognition before its release in 18 months.

I'm not saying don't tell me what to look forward to, I'm saying value the recently released and updated stuff as much as what isn't out there. Here is a ratio, release/post release coverage of game X should be equal to or greater than prerelease or announcement coverage of X. Do I need a 5000 word review of a DS game? Not really, but how about 3 reviews from reviewers of different backgrounds, old EGM style but with all of them giving an equal take on the subject.

Oh forget it I'm just jealous that unfunny non-writers at joystiq and the like get paid to be the vultures of the game industry.

I wish I had their lives.

I hate video game media #2: Women

Fact: Free time and disposable income are limited.

Fact: Video games can take up a significant portion of one's free time and disposable income.

Fact: Girls can take up a significant portion of one's free time and disposable income.

With free time and disposable income limited many people who are invested in either video games or women can often be unlearned in the other. So when a woman talks about video games she is often talking about stereotypes of video games from 1994.

"Oh my gaw'd they are so violent, I was like, why are we wasting our time at the arcade? You said you would take me to Steketies!" - A woman that I just made up in my head.

And since a woman is confused about what video games are, it is only appropriate that video game media is confused about what to do with humans with the X chromosome. Here is a hastily put together list of what women are to video game media:

Women are my GIRLFRIEND!

If you are writing a review about a game that doesn't involve shooting, it is important to mention what your girlfriend thinks/would think of it. If girlfriend does not exist please make her up or talk about "impressing ladies."

Example: The Wii is an excellent system for my GIRLFRIEND because she pretend the controller is a dwarven shake-weight.

Women are GAMERS TOO!

Just do the job of reviewing the game or previewing the game, or doing the dishes.... we don't need to bring your gender into it. The only turf war that is being waged is inside your own head. The Internet says that women don't play video games because they are the Internet and they hate everything. Your daddy may have told you that you can't be a doctor, and it turns out that's true because now you regurgitate video game press releases for a living.

Women are READING STUFF IN FRONT OF A CAMERA WEARING PROM OUTFITS

I think that anyone who reads any type of news for any type of video production should start off the segment by saying "Hello, My name is _____ and I am talking about _____ and what I say is important because of _____"

Hello, My name is Jessica Chobot and I am talking about video game strategies that aren't really strategies and what I say is important because one time I licked a PSP.

This is coming across as women-hating and it's really not my intention, I just think video game journalism is a joke. How can they cover a rapidly changing industry when they don't even know how to speak to or receive input from women. We here complaints about portrayals of women by the media and its due to the media not knowing how to utilize women period, especially in the video game sector.

Ok I'm done.

I hate video game media #1: Sarcasm/Filler

Someone is getting paid to post this on a popular video game site:

"The latest game console travel case from manufacturer GAEMS -- yes, it's really spelled like that, we promise -- is an unarguably slicker offering than the company's previous products. The pack has room for a 360, 360 S or PS3 Slim console, all the requisite cords and power bricks, a couple of controllers, speakers and a built-in LED monitor -- yet, despite its contents, the GAEMS case isn't the size of a small houseboat. We've only got one, inconceivably nerdy explanation: Bag of Holding. Like, it's gotta be, right?

The case will be released sometime in June for $300 -- though you can knock $20 off the price by pre-ordering before April 20. We wonder if we could pay an extra $20 to get a product that's spelled correctly.Sheeeesh."

So Joystiq.com got a press release about a system travel case with a built-in lcd monitor and thought it was worthy of a post. Actually their sister site engadget got a press release and their post was used for the basis of another post. Scraping the bottom of the barrel but it's Sunday so we'll ignore that for now.

Here is the actual news in the post.

• New Travel Case coming out in June
• Has an LCD Monitor builtin
• 300 dollars in june or 280 if you preorder
• works with xbox 360, xbox 360 S or PS3 Slim, NOT PS3 OLD MODELS (not mentioned in story so I will assume it doesn't work with it)

It's looking like not worthy of a story but they need to keep the view count up so they fill it full of garbage to pad it out. Hmmm... what can we throw in here.. Hey its got a silly name, theres at least 3 sentences! If that doesn't work we can try one of the following ways to turn this into something.

1. Has the company made anything in the past? Was that thing a success or failure? Rub their face in it.

2. Tie it into whatever is most popular this second. "This travel game case WITH THE HILARIOUS NAME would be a tiny alternative for playing Marvel VS. Capcom 3, but it would make the grotesquely large supermoves a more manageable size. Tiny screens can only give you tiny epilepsy!"

3. Mention how you and your coworkers get paid to write about video games and regurgitate press releases for a living. "We'll post a couple more times about this product in June when a free unit gets sent to the Joystiq offices at the AOL mothership. We will gather our staff around and bask in the travel cases 9" of LCD glow. I have a coworker from South Africa named Ludwig."

4. Insert Call of Duty or World of Warcraft any where in the article for any reason.

5. Take a quick pass at press release, find something it can't do and make the article about that. "NO WII SUPPORT? WON'T ANYONE MAKE A CASE FOR ME TO WAGGLE AT?!?!??"

Frustrations with video game media is going to be my theme this week unless anything notable happens (it won't) so I understand if you lose interest and stop reading forever. I think SLEEPY CRICKET might have started a livejournal as they have been out of fashion long enough to be considered contrarian so I recommend checking that out.

Watching People Play Videogames is My Favorite

I enjoy videogames (forget you spell check I'm making it one word) but with my busy and important schedule I don't have time to keep up with them. I try to read about them to fill the gap, but videogame media is terrible and it triggers my gag reflex if I read too much of it. I really despise most of the people who write about videogames, maybe not the people but their work and their personality. But this post is not about the failures of videogame content, it is about the success.

Over the past year I have grown to enjoy people playing videogames and talking about them on the Internet. Not just any people but people who both love videogames and have lived life outside of them enough to be able to speak in a manner that doesn't piss me off.

Here are two amazing sources of my videogame voyeuring:

Giantbomb.com Quicklooks:

http://www.giantbomb.com/videos/

Usually only playing notable games of recent release, these guys are amazing.

Let's Play Archive:

http://lparchive.org/

These are done by members of a message board so they are much more hit or miss. But most of the time they play the complete game and also have a much better selection of older stuff.

That's all I got. I am trying to channel my hatred into a proper write up of the failures of videogame media.

Fable 3: The Gamiest Game that Ever Gamed

The goal tonight is to tell you what I thought of this videogame without making it bitter about my life and having equal to or less than 3 rape jokes. Let's see how I do....

I completed the main quest in Fable 3 last Friday right before I took off on a very long road trip. It was one of the three games I purchased from the Best Buy B2G1 deal they were having a couple weeks ago. I tolerated Fable 1 and enjoyed Fable 2 so I was reasonably excited for the third one despite the iffy reviews it got upon release.

Before I get into the game, due to a pricing mistake or something the cheapest version of the game was the special edition. Normally I avoid these because they are filled with crap, but honestly this is the best packaging I have seen for a videogame. It comes with a kind of real looking Bible-esque case which contains the game and some bonus junk. Will I use any of it ever? Probably not, but its slick and well contained. Unlike that Halo Reach set which is in a pallet sized box for absolutely no reason.

To speak of the game I will be speaking of all 3 Fable games because not much has changed in the series. Fable 3 is Legend of Zelda's ADD British Brother. It is a dumbed down action RPG which substitutes being British for being clever. The story in the series is you aint nothin' then you become something, your actions reflect how you turn out as a character. In Fable 3 you are specifically the son/daughter of the person from Fable 2 and your evil brother kicks you out for being not evil. You then go on random quests enlisting the support of the 7 or so areas of the world. Once everyone has your back you then take back the kingdom from your brother and become the main dude/lady. These are the same beats that the first two games followed and eh... I guess it still works.

Fable 3's only new idea is that after you become King you have a "year" (5 days) to be either a good king or a bad king before you have a final battle to save the kingdom. And by good and bad I mean black and white. One of your decisions is whether or not to turn a orphanage into a whorehouse. I will let you cut through the layers of story to decipher which of these is the good and which is the bad option. The way you play the game even has less to do with anything than the first two games. The only thing it impacts is a couple of story line beats and how dirty your character looks.

The gameplay is serviceable, just as it has been in Fable 1 and 2. Three different types of attacks and no limits to ammo or magic... it gets monotonous and I believe the game designers knew this because your battles are very short. In fact there are probably less than 10 "levels" and the rest are just random encounters with a couple bad guys who teleport out of nowhere. You are normally just running around town buying property and performing variations on fetch quests. Property is your main source of earning money and eventually the only thing that determines whether you "win" the game or not. The game economy can totally be broken by just leaving the game running all night while your income stacks up.... and I'm kind of ok with that.

The game world seems very small and very disconnected by loading screens and unrelated landscapes. There is no over-world, you just warp to random villages scattered throughout the map of your kingdom. If GTA can give us New York City with few loading screens then a far less detailed fantasy setting should be doable without being so choppy.

There is co-op and one great improvement over Fable 3 is not having to share the screen. It was unforgivable in Fable 2 so I'm not sure if not making the same mistake twice is something to be commended.

The largest quirk in the game is the elimination of any menu/map system. All of this has been replaced by an over-world which you warp to by hitting the pause button. Each thing you would want to look at is in a separate room. I believe what the goal was with this is to make it seem more fluid, but it just makes it annoying and crappy like doing stuff in real life. If I want to change my clothes or weapons in real life I have to walk over to my dresser or trunk of my car, but I don't want the game to be like my real life because my real life has a lot of useless crap in it. It's a pretty big pain in the butt and almost kills the game, but those who are set on playing it will get over it.

I enjoyed Fable 2, it took a lot of things from Zelda that I liked and did them at a much faster pace with actual voice acting and pretty graphics. The characters and story were worthless but that made me imagine new story lines around all of the NPC's I murdered/impregnated with my video game seed. But then I played Fable 3 and it was Fable 2 with a weird makeup that I didn't like smeared over it. Everything that was added was at the expense of something I enjoyed in Fable 2. The King stuff came at the expense of any significant levels or boss battles. The awful non-menu came at the expense of something I could easily track my progress with.

But underneath the weird stuff there is the Fable foundation, I fast paced adventure game that lets you go crazy and not care about consequences, despite the games biggest selling point being that you have to deal with consequences (consequences=what your character looks like). If you enjoyed Fable 2 I would check this out if it was on sale, if you haven't played Fable 2 I would play that first/instead.

DragonBall

I finally watched the DragonBall movie. DragonBall Evolution, it’s called. I haven’t figured out why yet.

Maybe it was just because they evolved from a cartoon into a movie.

Speaking of the cartoon, I used to watch it. Like a lot. I had the action figures and I bought the tapes and I ran around the house pretending to kamehameha the hell out of everything. That went on until I started reading Harry Potter, then I started running around my house pretending to expelliarmus the hell out of everything. (And in case you’re imagining a 7 or 8 year old Fedora, imagine again. The DragonbBall phase was middle school, and the good ole Potter phase was throughout high school.) The difference between these two obsessions is in the retrospect. Looking back, Harry Potter is still awesome, DragonBall is lame. I now know the only reason I liked it at all was because I’ve always wanted to do magic in some way, and DB just happened to fill the void.

But enough about why I’m awkward and have no friends, this is about DBE, baby!

(Sorry about calling you all ”baby”)

First of all the director (or producer, or editor, or whoever sets the pace, I know nothing about this) must have been in the process of switching his meds from Riddilin to Adderall or something, because it was so damn jumpy that even the most ADHD kid would have been content. This may not have struck me so much if it wasn’t in such a sharp contrast to the cartoon, which would often drag its Super Saiyan feet for 12 episodes before anything happened.

Next of all, the acting and the storyline and thecinematography (blah blah blah….no one cares about this Way ADD (Way-DD?) film’s every minutia the way you do, Fedora, just shut up and keep the post from being too long and stupid. )

In conclusion, Qi energy is real. Honest.

Notable stuff in "Love and Other Drugs"

Finally saw the recent flop "Love and Other Drugs" this evening and I thought I would post some thoughts about it on this forgotten about flop of a blog. Before I get started though, has anyone had received any proof of life on SLEEPY CRICKET recently? I'm looking for something more real than a facebook update or txt message... maybe something like a blog post?

5 Notable things about "Love and Other Drugs"

Everytime Anne Hathaway acts, she has to show a boob. I'm going to assume it is not acting for a woman to act like she is attracted to Jake Gylenhal. I don't actually think I would be acting if I pretended to be attracted to Jake Gylenhal, because it wouldn't be pretending. But in the movie Anne Hathaway has an illness that rears its head whenever it is neccessary to move the movie forward or hold it back. In those scenes there is crying or screaming or shaking body parts. But for each scene that is sent for consideration for an academy award, the movie gives us a scene of equivelent length of Anne Hathaway's boob doing something. When her character is just doing one thing like trying to open a medicine bottle, we will just be treated to one boob. But if she is doing two things like making a joke and acting coy, we will soon be exposed to both boobs.

"Love and Other Drugs"= 40% Anne Hathaway Acting+ 40% Anne Hathaway Boobs+ 20% Jake Gylenhal trying to learn how to act or see boobs.

"Love and Other Drugs" is every single movie. What kind of movie do you want to see tonight? Well before you answer "Love and Other Drugs" will try to be that movie for 15 minutes before giving up and moving on to the next genre.

The following things happen in the movie:

Cocky guy becomes responsible (Coming of age story)

Scientist play God and try to create a hybrid animal (SPLICE)

Fat actor says things loudly (Jack Black movie)

Overly long sex scenes (The Room)

Cocky guy tries to start a real relationship with manic pixie dream girl (Garden State)

Cocky guy tries to sell stuff or win something (competitive movie)

Girl is sick (Love story)

Bitter Doctor keeps it real (that one... every episode of house)

Serial killer puts people in traps that test their willingness to live (Saw 1-8)

Dinosaurs cloned through bugs caught in tree sap (Jurrassic Park)

And that is far from all that "Love and Other Drugs" tries to be.

"Love and Other Drugs" has viagra jokes. See it's funny because the drug affects your penis (unless you are a woman, then it has no affect on your penis).

"Love and Other Drugs" almost made me lose my wallet. I feel like movie seats are made so that crap falls on the ground.

"Love and Other Drugs" has a twist ending. Turns out she was already dead and he was talking to her ghost the entire time.

Despite its many flaws its a watchable but totally misguided movie. I also pray that the character playing the fat brother character never acts again.

The positive Work Wife reviews Management Material.

My work wife Gadget would like to relay some thoughts about the most recent of my video projects, please sit and listen attentively to what she has to say regarding how I spend my free time.

So I watched Management Material this weekend. It was interesting, like a real movie. To be honest I thought you were just making this up as a reason to talk to me. But you actually did it, and before I even get started on my comments. Good for you. I feel as proud of you for making a video with a beginning middle and end as I do for Tyler Perry every time he makes a movie and sets his race back another decade. Have you ever seen a Tyler Perry movie? I feel racist for not seeing some of them in the theatre... but seriously the audience is so loud. And I'm not just saying that because they are black or obese white women (or both). I tried to see "For Colored Girls" last week and this woman screamed GET A JOB at one of the main characters, and then threw a 3 liter of Faygo at the movie screen when the character did not follow her instructions. This type of horse play is why Eddie Murphy stopped being funny.

I watched your DVD with my husband. Did I mention I have a husband? It's an exclusive relationship. At first I was scared that you had put something personal or indecent in the video to offend me but then I watched and realized that you put many things personal and indecent in the video with the goal of offending everyone. It's nice to be just a innocent bystander of your awkwardness instead of the primary target. Sometimes I wish we could hire prettier girls at our work place so you would have other people to stare/smell/"pssstt" at. One day you will find someone special, maybe she will be a temp employee who hasn't been warned about or maybe she will be that obviously photoshopped female in the picture you have on your desk. I think I would believe that you had a girlfriend more easily if you didn't trot out the picture every time you need to say something you did wasn't sexual harassment because you are "spoken for."

It's hard for me to comment on the acting in the movie as it was so inconsistent that I couldn't really see what you were going for. But of all the people involved I feel the most pity towards the young woman in the third segment. I feel like I understood what she was going through during the taping of her scenes. It's like you told her that you had a neat part for her to play, and then she comes over and realizes that its pretty much a transcript of one of your embarrassing encounters with her. I think she could have cut down on the amount of lines to memorize if you would have just rewrote the scene of have you knocking her door then her blowing a rape whistle for 3 minutes straight until the episode ended. I think that situation would be clever and also serve as a good lesson to any woman who sees you at her door or cubicle.

I feel like I've went off on some weird and off putting tangents in this review, but I also believe that is fitting for the 30+ minute movie you asked me to watch. You took a 30 second idea and ballooned it to a length that not even skilled actors and filmmakers could support.

In summary the movie was:

• playable on my DVD player
• had stereo sound
• was primarily in English
• widescreen presentation
• full color

If I were to only consider the above criteria for a review then I would say that your project was a success.

Also I've passed this DVD along to the HR Coordinator, please pack your things into one of that boxes that Staples delivers copy paper in.

Gadget.