A revised social contract between myself and every single woman*

*age appropriate and non-related woman

At the time of this writing (9/30/2010, 10:11 PM) I am in a relationship (with a girl). But enough about her, ladies* I'm here to talk about me and you*. I present to you* revisions to the social contract that was first published on October 10, 1996.

Section 5: I will say creepy things to you*

If you will refer to the previous social contract between myself and every single woman you will see that in section 5 I promise to say lecherous things to every single woman*, with a 70% chance that I am just kidding. That "just kidding" will be dropped down to 15% if the woman is actually interested in performing/pantomiming the disturbing thing I mentioned to the woman*.

Now that I am in a committed relationship the formula has been revised as follows:

When significant other does not know woman*

75% Chance I will say creepy thing to woman*

10% Chance that I am not kidding if woman* is interested

5% Chance that I am not kidding if woman* is not interested

When significant other knows woman*

50% Chance I will say creepy thing to woman*

25% Chance that I am not kidding if woman* is interested

20% Chance that I am not kidding if woman* is not interested

Do you like to camp? Because I'm pitching a tent.

Section 18: Agreement on music/movies/television

In the previous social contract it was said that my entertainment interests will be the exact same as the prettiest woman* within 50 yards. This not only is no longer the case and there is a 99% chance that every woman's* interests are wrong. Not just incompatible with my preferences, but straight up wrong.

Lady Gaga sucks. A Goofy Movie sucks. Glee sucks.

Section 47: Back-Rub Hug

As per the previous blog post, I regret to inform all women* and John Purdy that the gravy train is over. I still reserve the right to smell your hair.

Section 68: Paying for stuff

Please find section 68 in the Social Contract and rip it out because I aint paying for nothing.

Section 76: Hanging out at my parents' house

Women* are no longer welcome to hang out at my parents' house unless we have direct supervision. And we won't so you can't. Why do women* want to come over anyway? Netflix is only 9 dollars a month for streaming and it will run on any computer or current videogame system. You* certainly weren't coming over for the pleasure of my company.

Section 100: Having my baby

Me being in a relationship does not change the fact that I am going to put a baby in every woman* as soon as I figure out a way to do it that's not considered cheating. Look out ladies* you are about to be taking on some spawn.

Despite me being in a relationship (which will probably end when she reads this) and the fact that I am still going to put a baby inside either you or a woman* you love: I'm still the same guy. It's just the social contract and a couple of my motivations have changed ever so slightly.

The Retirement of Backrub-Hug

That's it I'm done. I made something beautiful and it turns out you ladies and Jon Purdy just can't handle it. But before I retire my favorite physical form of endearment. I would like to give a brief eulogy of the back rub hug:

The backrub hug was developed a couple of years ago and given a select group of people I care about (just women and occasionally Jon Purdy). To execute the backrub-hug you simply embrace in a hug then instead of just placing your hands on the back you lightly rub their back for just a second. Nothing creepy, just an additional layer of "I KNOW YOU" on top of an already nice gesture.

And that was my thing for a very select few women and Jon Purdy. And in the beginning it was nice. But then you ladies and Jon Purdy started being bia's about it. Everyone hugs differently; some people pat the back, some people caress the buttocks, some people smell your hair, and some people just stand their trying not to show physical signs of arousal. One time a guy hugged me and it didn't end until I was in the trunk of his car going across state-lines. For 99% of the populace I just hugged, and the additional ladies and Jon Purdy got that extra 1%.

But then it started getting out of hand. People who got the backrub-hug started forgetting that I did that and were all like "WTF?" and then people who didn't get it would be all like "WTF what?" Then the backrub-hugged would tell the non-backrub-hugged about the backrub-hug and then the non-backrubbed-hugged would have their feelings hurt about their back not being backrub-hugged.

It's a hug, not rock-paper-scissors. Society has taken something beautiful that I made and turned it into something sick.

I have given my last back-rub hug, and the last recipient didn't even appreciate it.