If you hurt her, I will kill you

OMG I HEARD FROM AN UNRELATED CHAIN OF PEOPLE THAT YOU MIGHT BE SEEING OSMEONE, HERE ARE THREE THINGS THAT YOU SHOULD KNOW!

1. I SOME HOW HAVE A VESTED INTEREST IN THIS THING.

You are not just seeing her, you are seeing me. But not really beause I could smell your ass coming from a mile away and I was like NOPE, even though you didn't ask. Or have ever spoken to me. Ever. BUT I FOUND YOUR CONTACT INFO! And I'm telling you if you mess with her you are messing with me. What's her name again? Yeah that's it. I'm watching you. One wrong move and I'll be on you like male nudity on SPARTACUS. And I have the power to end this thing, or change it so its more entertaining.. you know for me and the other viewers at home. My opinions are important because I once saw you and her before you you-and-her.

2. ARE YOU GUYS FIGHTING? YOU CAN TELL ME!

What's wrong. What is it? What are you guys doing? I won't tell anyone. Fine ya fruit, let me imagine what is wrong and give you advice to solve the problem I just made up. You should get her nice pajamas. And cupcakes. And a car. And the 3rd Glee soundtrack. I thought we was in this together? How can I observe your relationship from the sidelines if you don't tell me what's going on and immediately follow my advice. I promise I won't tell her (as phone is flipped open in the middle of a text that starts "you won't believe what your man said about you _________), and I certainly won't tell anyone else (text is also addressed to her entire phone book).

3. YOU TWO ARE BORING, I DON'T LIKE IT ANYMORE. YOU SHOULD END IT FOR ME.

UGH I'm sick of this. You don't talk to me, and you don't give a rip what I tell you to do for her. You won't even go on a double with me while my man is away hunting this weekend.... I think you should try something else. I don't like this anymore. I liked you better when you were trying and failing. Maybe you should go back to that, you were really good at it. And by good I mean funny.

WHAT ARE YOU GETTING HER FOR VD DAY? OH GROSS, YOU SHOULD RETURN IT AND GET HER SOME YOGA GIFT CARDS.

Notable stuff in "Love and Other Drugs"

Finally saw the recent flop "Love and Other Drugs" this evening and I thought I would post some thoughts about it on this forgotten about flop of a blog. Before I get started though, has anyone had received any proof of life on SLEEPY CRICKET recently? I'm looking for something more real than a facebook update or txt message... maybe something like a blog post?

5 Notable things about "Love and Other Drugs"

Everytime Anne Hathaway acts, she has to show a boob. I'm going to assume it is not acting for a woman to act like she is attracted to Jake Gylenhal. I don't actually think I would be acting if I pretended to be attracted to Jake Gylenhal, because it wouldn't be pretending. But in the movie Anne Hathaway has an illness that rears its head whenever it is neccessary to move the movie forward or hold it back. In those scenes there is crying or screaming or shaking body parts. But for each scene that is sent for consideration for an academy award, the movie gives us a scene of equivelent length of Anne Hathaway's boob doing something. When her character is just doing one thing like trying to open a medicine bottle, we will just be treated to one boob. But if she is doing two things like making a joke and acting coy, we will soon be exposed to both boobs.

"Love and Other Drugs"= 40% Anne Hathaway Acting+ 40% Anne Hathaway Boobs+ 20% Jake Gylenhal trying to learn how to act or see boobs.

"Love and Other Drugs" is every single movie. What kind of movie do you want to see tonight? Well before you answer "Love and Other Drugs" will try to be that movie for 15 minutes before giving up and moving on to the next genre.

The following things happen in the movie:

Cocky guy becomes responsible (Coming of age story)

Scientist play God and try to create a hybrid animal (SPLICE)

Fat actor says things loudly (Jack Black movie)

Overly long sex scenes (The Room)

Cocky guy tries to start a real relationship with manic pixie dream girl (Garden State)

Cocky guy tries to sell stuff or win something (competitive movie)

Girl is sick (Love story)

Bitter Doctor keeps it real (that one... every episode of house)

Serial killer puts people in traps that test their willingness to live (Saw 1-8)

Dinosaurs cloned through bugs caught in tree sap (Jurrassic Park)

And that is far from all that "Love and Other Drugs" tries to be.

"Love and Other Drugs" has viagra jokes. See it's funny because the drug affects your penis (unless you are a woman, then it has no affect on your penis).

"Love and Other Drugs" almost made me lose my wallet. I feel like movie seats are made so that crap falls on the ground.

"Love and Other Drugs" has a twist ending. Turns out she was already dead and he was talking to her ghost the entire time.

Despite its many flaws its a watchable but totally misguided movie. I also pray that the character playing the fat brother character never acts again.

A revised social contract between myself and every single woman*

*age appropriate and non-related woman

At the time of this writing (9/30/2010, 10:11 PM) I am in a relationship (with a girl). But enough about her, ladies* I'm here to talk about me and you*. I present to you* revisions to the social contract that was first published on October 10, 1996.

Section 5: I will say creepy things to you*

If you will refer to the previous social contract between myself and every single woman you will see that in section 5 I promise to say lecherous things to every single woman*, with a 70% chance that I am just kidding. That "just kidding" will be dropped down to 15% if the woman is actually interested in performing/pantomiming the disturbing thing I mentioned to the woman*.

Now that I am in a committed relationship the formula has been revised as follows:

When significant other does not know woman*

75% Chance I will say creepy thing to woman*

10% Chance that I am not kidding if woman* is interested

5% Chance that I am not kidding if woman* is not interested

When significant other knows woman*

50% Chance I will say creepy thing to woman*

25% Chance that I am not kidding if woman* is interested

20% Chance that I am not kidding if woman* is not interested

Do you like to camp? Because I'm pitching a tent.

Section 18: Agreement on music/movies/television

In the previous social contract it was said that my entertainment interests will be the exact same as the prettiest woman* within 50 yards. This not only is no longer the case and there is a 99% chance that every woman's* interests are wrong. Not just incompatible with my preferences, but straight up wrong.

Lady Gaga sucks. A Goofy Movie sucks. Glee sucks.

Section 47: Back-Rub Hug

As per the previous blog post, I regret to inform all women* and John Purdy that the gravy train is over. I still reserve the right to smell your hair.

Section 68: Paying for stuff

Please find section 68 in the Social Contract and rip it out because I aint paying for nothing.

Section 76: Hanging out at my parents' house

Women* are no longer welcome to hang out at my parents' house unless we have direct supervision. And we won't so you can't. Why do women* want to come over anyway? Netflix is only 9 dollars a month for streaming and it will run on any computer or current videogame system. You* certainly weren't coming over for the pleasure of my company.

Section 100: Having my baby

Me being in a relationship does not change the fact that I am going to put a baby in every woman* as soon as I figure out a way to do it that's not considered cheating. Look out ladies* you are about to be taking on some spawn.

Despite me being in a relationship (which will probably end when she reads this) and the fact that I am still going to put a baby inside either you or a woman* you love: I'm still the same guy. It's just the social contract and a couple of my motivations have changed ever so slightly.