I forgot to eat dinner last night

I drove some junk and a car to Florida this weekend. It was for my parents who are staying there for a couple months. This is their second year down there and I think it is good for them. But who cares about them this is about me.

With them gone I have had to make adjustments. For the next months I am not a dweller in mammy's basement, I am the occupier of a residence. I am the man of the house, not that the man spot was in much competition with parents here but right now I control the entire residence. As a 27 year old this shouldn't excite me as much as it does. I have lived in a couple of places that are not my parents basement. And since I don't know where I am going with this blog post I will describe them to you now.

Move Out #1: Valley 2 Dorm at WMU

Room 515, it was actually a pretty sweet room as far as dorms go. It was on the corner of the hall so my roommate and I didn't have to share the bathroom with another room. It was also larger by a couple feet and had a high ceiling due to being on the top floor. I bought a sweet couch and threw my bed up on my roommates loft (creepily close to his bed frame but neither of us got any so it didn't matter). That combined with the recently released Xbox in my room it was a pretty sweet setup. Actually let me revise that statement, if it wasn't for my stoner/adderall dealing roommate, his townie friends, and the psychotic guy across the hall it would have been a sweet set up. But they existed so it was awful most of the time.

Highlight of the experience: Me at my most passive aggressive pouring a full can of grape soda on my roommates bed in response to him hotboxing our bathroom.

Move Out #2: Sister's Spare Bedroom

She was recently separated and I really didn't want to move back home over the summer of my freshman year. Living with her two year old son was awesome and I think its why we were so close up until he got too cool for me (he's 10 now). Sadly we have never gotten along as adults although we might be on the road to recovery (the trick is not to talk to each other). I was right next door to Meijer and fast food so I don't think I drove that summer.

Highlight of the experience: Me trying to do a pull up using a door and ripping it off the frame. Purchasing a 36" CRT TUBE TV and hauling it down a flight of stairs by myself.

Move Out #3: Studio Apartment

It had a bed that folded out of the wall, which I thought was pretty boss. I was the only one who thought that as I was too much of a shut in to have anyone over. I could hear the terrible traffic of Drake road through the wall and the heater was loud, expensive and worthless.

Highlight of the experience: Setting a shiny plate on fire in the microwave, putting it out with fire extinguisher, thinking the fire extinguisher just shot water and shooting it everywhere as a stress release. Minutes later realizing it shot a gross foam and I needed to clean it up. Then not cleaning it up until my mom cleaned out my apartment before I moved.

Move Out #4: Ghetto 2 Bedroom Apartment

Moved in with another heavily disturbed person who I worked with at Meijer. Apartment was in kind of a ghetto area but I am from the streets so they didn't mess with me. My best friend at the time lived right below me but was in a messed up relationship so I didn't see him much.

Highlight of the experience: Roommate angry at me using too much bandwidth unplugs my router and leaves the most awesome threatening note. I scan it and put it on the Internet. I'm trying to find a copy of it but I don't think I have it on this computer. There are tons of misspellings and I inverted the colors so it's white pen on black paper.

Move Out #5: Apartment in Royal Oak

Took the first and only job offer I had after college which the job was actually pretty good in title but terrible in pay and company association. I wanted a nice place to myself for once so I got a $620 apartment 20 minutes away from work in Royal Oak, one of the few fun areas by Detroit. $620 might not seem like a ton but my take home pay was around 350 a week so it was out of my budget. It was especially out of my budget when I got fired and was making 200 a week on unemployment. I held on to that apartment desperately though almost through the end of my lease. The place had a 24 hour gym and clubhouse with I loved. If the place existed near my current job I would definitely consider moving back.

Highlight of experience: free cable tv, water and internet because the respective companies forgot to turn off/change billing for service.

Move out #6: 2 Bedroom Apartment with COSTAR

Somehow I made a real college friend who I didn't realize I was friends with until after like 3 years of real friendship. We were in weird situations after college so we decided to move in together for a while. My current job had just started and was awful and he was getting serious about some chick so I actually didn't see him that much. Still the best roommate I've ever had. At the end of our lease he moved in with her and I moved home because my mom was having chemo (possibly to be discussed later).

Highlight of experience: Touch of the Downs (possibly to be discussed later, available for private showings but too hot for Internet)

Move out #7: ?????

Hasn't happend yet. What I thought would be 6 months of being a good son turned into 3.5 years of laziness with little signs of ending soon. Where, when and why will I move? I will let you know as soon as I figure it out.

Oh and I forgot to eat dinner last night because when my parents lived here they would always ask me if I had eaten. Without them asking me I forgot that I hadn't ate anything last night. I felt really weird but couldn't translate the weirdness to hunger. I didn't realize I was starving until 11AM this afternoon.

ONE person that I don't want to be like when I grow up

Everyday at work I encounter two people who occupy my mind far more than they deserve to. The men are very different from each other but equal in that I equally fear growing up and becoming either of them, both of their lives/attitudes are very real possibilities for me and that is scary. Today's post will be about the first person, the next person will be later this week and maybe I'll talk about what I do want later this week.

I do not want to be a sad lonely bachelor when I grow up.

Man #1 is a good hearted person and seems relatively effective at his job. I do not want to be like him because from my outside view leads a very sad life. I get this strong feeling from him because it resonates from almost everyone of his actions. He will greet me first thing in the morning, and ask how my night was, I will feed him a summary of lies/non-offensive material and pray he will be on his way. On most days though he will tell me about his life, and its not pretty. His life as someone 15 -ish years older than me is pretty much my life 5 years ago without the college or potential.

His nights are as follows:

1. Go home

2. Feed dog/Walk dog

3. Look at sports

4. Watch movie

5. Play videogames

6. Watch more sports

7. Make up some story about talking with a friend who may not exist

8. Plan tomorrow's post-work activities

9. Sleep at 9:30PM so that you can get in early to talk to people at work

What would sound empty at 22 or 27 depresses the hell out of me at his current age. And this is an employee that my workplace is happy with. I think that they would hold him up for others in a similar position to look to as an example. And I think he performs his job well, its just using this man as an example might also have someone look at the rest of his life and ask "is that it?" Where is the progress? Where is the basic human interaction? Maybe those 9 things are an elaborate and boring cover story so that Man #1 can be the real life version of Dexter in his spare time. On top of the lonely nights this man leads, I see the depression in the way that he follows man of his sentences with a nervous laughter which reminds of a natural born citizen version of Tommy Wiseau.

This article was going to talk about another person I work with but I'm going to save that for next time. I drove from Michigan to Florida straight this weekend, the trip was long but uneventful. I appreciate those who gave a turd, I am annoyed by those who didn't

EOE: Spinsters

HR Person: Thanks for coming in today C-Minus.

C-Minus: ...

HR Person: I am here to talk to you about your discriminatory attitude towards some of your fellow employees.

C-Minus: ...

HR Person: Oh not the darker ones, you actually have some room to step up your discriminatory attitudes towards them and be within the company guidelines. What I want to talk to you about is your attitude and actions toward Marge.

C-Minus: ...

HR Person: I know what you are thinking. "Who the f- cares about Marge?" And the answer is... well not many. And that's why we must gather together as a company and treat her with the respect you would show a creepy aunt who stopped by because she thought it was thanksgiving.

C-Minus: ...

HR Person: Listen Marge made a choice with her life. And that choice was to live vicariously through others in place of living herself. Of anyone I expected you to understand that.

C-Minus: ...

HR Person: You should understand that because you live your life vicariously through the internet. But you didn't make that choice, every other person made that choice when they decided to keep your relationship internet-tonic.

C-Minus: ...

HR Person: So good we are on the same page, but you are probably asking yourself, "Self, How can I show Marge that I am not discriminatory about people who are loud and shirill and so terribly alone." Well first you can greet her politely every time you see her, which is every 5 seconds because we don't have cubicle walls or non-hidious views in this office.

C-Minus: ...

HR Person: And be sure to ask her how her non-existent life is going! She will give you up to the minute details, IN REAL TIME. If she spent an hour and a half watching a teen comedy this weekend then you better get an hour and half of work out of the way so you can pay strict attention to her story.

C- Minus: ...

HR Person: AND THE OPINIONS! Be sure to stick around for the opinions.

C- Minus: .. MARGE!: OH HEY WHATS GOING ON IN HERE! I GOT NEW PICS OF GRANDBABIES!

C- Minus: ???

HR Person: Marge so lovely to see you... slightly curious about how grandbabies can exist in your life. But nevermind that. How was your weekend?

MARGE! IT WAS 4 DAYS AGO SILLY. BECAUSE IT'S THURSDAY. SO READY FOR THIS WEEKEND THOUGH. A NEW NARNIA MOVIE CAME OUT AND I'M READY FOR IT, GOT THE GRANDBABIES ON BOARD AND WE'RE READY TO JUST HAVE A KIDS NIGHT OUT.

C- Minus: ...

HR Person: That sounds lovely. I was just finishing my chat/write up with C- Minus. C- Minus do you have anything to ask MARGE?

C- Minus: ...

...

Do you like

...

stuff?

MARGE! OH MY GAWD YOU HAVE NO IDEASOMETIMESIJUSTGOTOMYONEROOM55+APARTMENTCOMPLEXANDITWASCRAZYA;SLDFUWQOEIRJQSDKLFJBXZCLKVJBAE;LFKJASWHEREHASMYLIFEGONEIAMSOALONEC-MINUSTHERESSTILLTIMEFORTOCHANGEDON'TENDUPLIKETHISRUNNNNN!

C- Minus: ... k.

HR Person: That will be all then. Thanks for stopping by C- Minus.

MARGE! OH HR PERSON I'M GONNA NEED FRIDAY OFF TO WATCH THE FIRST 2 NARNIA MOVIES K THX TOOODLES, TELL YOU ALL ABOUT IT MONDAY INSTEAD OF WORK.

"I should do a lot of things"

This week I'm trying to write little stories inspired by phrases that inspire me. Here is number 4, not so much as a story but a rant but this is really one of my favorite phrases so enjoy:

I am a unique and beautiful snowflake, just like you. But when you see a for reals snowflake like the ones that came down tonight, do you ever say.

"Hey snowflake! I think you should melt and become water. You would be so great at being water, you would taste great and also help plants grow instead of helping plants die."

I don't think I would say that to a snowflake because I don't know any snowflakes well enough to advise them on major life decisions. That being said here are some things that I "should do" and why I won't be doing them in the near future.

1. You should be a teacher.

I won't becoming a teacher in the near future because I had a lot of young teachers and 90% of them were terrible. I am not saying all of teachers fresh out of the teacher farm are terrible but the great ones were ones that lived and had some significant amount of life experience outside of a classroom.

2. You should become an ordained something or other.

I think my previous works, show that I operate better as a concern citizen then part of an official part of a religious institution.

3. You should ask out my something or other

She's not interested or I'm not interested.

4. You should see the latest Saw movie

I'm watching last years version on Netflix right now and I don't think the updated stats, features or additional dimension added much. My gag reflex is being pushed to the limit as I type this and I don't think poorly implemented 3D or the guy from Boondock Saints would make it go down any easier.

5. You should play World of Warcraft

Darn it SLEEPY CRICKET I'm not playing that garbage. I have a job that pays me and I already hate myself for showing up everyday, now an unpaid version of this job without the work wives seems like an awful addition to an already sketchy life.

6. You should be an actor.

And putting up with your suggestion will be my greatest role ever.

7. You should move in with SLEEPY CRICKET

I got unpaid church work to do and unmolded minds to meld. Give me another year or two and I will high tail it out of here. To Ohio? I don't know about that on.

8. You should go for a run

It's too cold outside! And I'm halfway through Saw 6, the Insurance guy is about to get abducted and put through some of Jigsaw's games. Also the first 3 Saw movies should be considered bad movies while the other 18 Saw movies should be considered bad deleted scenes.

9. You should stop doing the blog.

YOU WOULD LIKE THAT sleepy cricket WOULDN'T YOU!

10. You should have voted last week.

They got the health insurance guy and a janitor hooked up to a car battery or something with gears on it. How could I vote when the lives of two generic characters hang in the balance. I have no idea how this game is supposed to be played... they should really make a home version with a truth or dare variant.