If you hurt her, I will kill you

OMG I HEARD FROM AN UNRELATED CHAIN OF PEOPLE THAT YOU MIGHT BE SEEING OSMEONE, HERE ARE THREE THINGS THAT YOU SHOULD KNOW!

1. I SOME HOW HAVE A VESTED INTEREST IN THIS THING.

You are not just seeing her, you are seeing me. But not really beause I could smell your ass coming from a mile away and I was like NOPE, even though you didn't ask. Or have ever spoken to me. Ever. BUT I FOUND YOUR CONTACT INFO! And I'm telling you if you mess with her you are messing with me. What's her name again? Yeah that's it. I'm watching you. One wrong move and I'll be on you like male nudity on SPARTACUS. And I have the power to end this thing, or change it so its more entertaining.. you know for me and the other viewers at home. My opinions are important because I once saw you and her before you you-and-her.

2. ARE YOU GUYS FIGHTING? YOU CAN TELL ME!

What's wrong. What is it? What are you guys doing? I won't tell anyone. Fine ya fruit, let me imagine what is wrong and give you advice to solve the problem I just made up. You should get her nice pajamas. And cupcakes. And a car. And the 3rd Glee soundtrack. I thought we was in this together? How can I observe your relationship from the sidelines if you don't tell me what's going on and immediately follow my advice. I promise I won't tell her (as phone is flipped open in the middle of a text that starts "you won't believe what your man said about you _________), and I certainly won't tell anyone else (text is also addressed to her entire phone book).

3. YOU TWO ARE BORING, I DON'T LIKE IT ANYMORE. YOU SHOULD END IT FOR ME.

UGH I'm sick of this. You don't talk to me, and you don't give a rip what I tell you to do for her. You won't even go on a double with me while my man is away hunting this weekend.... I think you should try something else. I don't like this anymore. I liked you better when you were trying and failing. Maybe you should go back to that, you were really good at it. And by good I mean funny.

WHAT ARE YOU GETTING HER FOR VD DAY? OH GROSS, YOU SHOULD RETURN IT AND GET HER SOME YOGA GIFT CARDS.

Reasons I don't want to get up tomorrow

As you can see by the image to the right, Mondays are not that great. Although I don't really understand why Garfield would be saying this. I do not believe he ever had a traditional 9-5 job in the comics. Maybe it was due to Jon being out of the house and not feeding him. But Jon was a work at home architect if I recall correctly so I don't think that would make any difference to him either.

But I am not a fan of Mondays, at least not in my current job/life situation. Here are some reasons why:

1. I will most likely not be getting a nap/decent amount of sleep.

As I type this I am setting the alarm on my phone for 5:00 AM. Will I actually get up at that time? Probably not. Will I curse my maker for rousing me at this hour? Without question.

2. I will attempt to have slimfast for Breakfast and Lunch.

I am becoming a fatty again. My body hasn't reacted yet but I can tell it in my face. The face is the first to react to me becoming fat and the rest of me is soon to follow. I went back on slimfast a couple weeks ago to moderate success. I usually do not follow the plan on the weekends. I have also canceled my YMCA membership so I am not currently physcially active either. I'm hoping that next time I see SLEEPY CRICKET he will have 300-Style Abs and that will motivate me to start doing things again.

3. I do not like my job.

There is nothing to look forward to during the work week aside from others screwing up more than I do.

4. I do not get paid this week.

If there is not a 1st or 15th in a workweek then my willingness to actually work is greatly diminished.

5. I did something meaningful last weekend and did nothing this weekend.

I have lost any momentum I thought I had.

6. It was a rough Sunday School and it was my fault.

We had a meeting before hand which made me crappy frazzled instead of fun frazzled. I also think about people not only get paid to do what I do but also (DELETED)

7. There was a sporting event on Sunday night.

If there is one thing I hate more than overhearing weather talk it is sports talk. And there's gonna be a lot of sports talk on Monday.

8. I don't have many creative projects to look forward to in the near future.

As I mentioned in a previous post, I have given up on "Dateable" and cannot think of any other ideas. I have a lot of unpaid ASSIGNMENTS, but those crush my soul instead of set it free.

9. I just looked at a guest list for something I'm going to and it has gotten worse.

More people I am going to have to perform for in order to lessen the awkwardness. By perform I mean act like an idiot around so that they don't try to challenge or talk to me. It's just easier doing that then dealing with them on a person to person basis.

10. I still have to make my bed tonight.

I hate making my bed, I don't even know if the mattress pad is dry.

And yet I will continue the grind. One good thing is that I am saving money, and I did apply for a job yesterday so that should be a fun rejection letter to read sometime next week.

Finally a person I want to be like when I grow up

One guy I don't want to end up like.

Another guy I don't want to end up like

I've been thinking about writing these for a while and they have not turned out well for all the forethought that went into them. Oh well I had a big drive this weekend and a couple of my friendships are in flux so we are just gonna have to plow through.

There is one person at my job who I would like to turn out to be like as I get more comfortable in my adulthood. He isn't much of a shot caller at the workplace but he is well respected due to his performance and his calm nature.

That is something I want as a grown up "calm." Not only do I want to be calm but I want to be content being calm. It's tough for me to do that now. If something isn't going wrong it is almost like I see an NBA style shot clock ticking down the seconds until I sabotage myself. I crave peace at my job but I also talk a whole lot of trash on instant messenger/bathroom walls at work. But my manidol has it all down pat. He has been coming to me recently with some stuff to look up regarding end of the year business. Due to his calm and considerate nature I will normally drop things that are a much higher priority to help him. The psycho forklift guy is gonna scream whether I am timely with his stuff or late so I might as well help someone who knows how to control their emotions.

I often present myself as someone of an analytical mindset, this is a lie and not a very good one. I am more emotional than my mother and she is barely functional without her hormone pills. I forcefully push them down to be more like my manidol, but it just comes across as fake. My attempts clear and direct communication makes me sound like the Jigsaw Killer from Saw.

Another reason why I look up to my manidol is that he cares about his work and coworkers at the level where it is healthy, but he is at work because he has a life to support. I see a large picture by his desk of his kids and grandkids and I understand that his heart lies with them. His efforts are to do his job and go home at a reasonable hour. He will occasionally contribute a joke or something but he understands that there are no winners in the company pissing contest. Today as the ONE and TWO people I don't want to end up like tried to dominate the discussion of today's blizzard; my manidol focused on getting his work done and retreating to the safety of his family. When I ran a small business, one of my sayings was "I need you to show up to work, and show up TO WORK" my manidol does both and he might actually be the only one in the office who does this.

Despite never having a real conversation with my manidol, I can tell that he loves and is loved by many, he also is aware of this love coming in and out of him as he performs his job. That's what I want. I want to be able to have something real (unlike our first person I don't want to end up like) and I want that thing to be more important than my immediate needs and wants (unlike our second person I don't want to end up like). I think I'm on the right track in certain areas, but there are days like today and blog posts like this that show me I have a significant change of slipping into anti-rolemodels 1 or 2.

In other news: Could our prodigal son be returning? I DOUBT IT BUT LETS KEEP PRAYING FOR HIM!

ONE person that I don't want to be like when I grow up

Everyday at work I encounter two people who occupy my mind far more than they deserve to. The men are very different from each other but equal in that I equally fear growing up and becoming either of them, both of their lives/attitudes are very real possibilities for me and that is scary. Today's post will be about the first person, the next person will be later this week and maybe I'll talk about what I do want later this week.

I do not want to be a sad lonely bachelor when I grow up.

Man #1 is a good hearted person and seems relatively effective at his job. I do not want to be like him because from my outside view leads a very sad life. I get this strong feeling from him because it resonates from almost everyone of his actions. He will greet me first thing in the morning, and ask how my night was, I will feed him a summary of lies/non-offensive material and pray he will be on his way. On most days though he will tell me about his life, and its not pretty. His life as someone 15 -ish years older than me is pretty much my life 5 years ago without the college or potential.

His nights are as follows:

1. Go home

2. Feed dog/Walk dog

3. Look at sports

4. Watch movie

5. Play videogames

6. Watch more sports

7. Make up some story about talking with a friend who may not exist

8. Plan tomorrow's post-work activities

9. Sleep at 9:30PM so that you can get in early to talk to people at work

What would sound empty at 22 or 27 depresses the hell out of me at his current age. And this is an employee that my workplace is happy with. I think that they would hold him up for others in a similar position to look to as an example. And I think he performs his job well, its just using this man as an example might also have someone look at the rest of his life and ask "is that it?" Where is the progress? Where is the basic human interaction? Maybe those 9 things are an elaborate and boring cover story so that Man #1 can be the real life version of Dexter in his spare time. On top of the lonely nights this man leads, I see the depression in the way that he follows man of his sentences with a nervous laughter which reminds of a natural born citizen version of Tommy Wiseau.

This article was going to talk about another person I work with but I'm going to save that for next time. I drove from Michigan to Florida straight this weekend, the trip was long but uneventful. I appreciate those who gave a turd, I am annoyed by those who didn't

Here is a great idea turned into a very rushed script

Script: Dateable (rough draft)

Will I ever do this? It's not looking likely so I will allow you to read a very rushed version of "Dateable" that costar and I wrote after seeing Tron 2 over Christmas break. I have had this idea in my head forever. It was originally a rejected part of the untitled movie project that I will no longer be bitter about. It's funny because the one sentence description of a Dateable is better than anything in the untitled movie script.

This would be 5-8 minutes long and I was going to do it as kind of a anthology or whatever with 2 other ideas bouncing back and forth. An idea to go with it would be "girl scent for men" which is a spray that gives the faint impression that you may have been hanging out with a really nice girl recently. The scent would be used in many situations, like making someone you are into think you are seeing other women. Or making a party seem like there might be girls there so the only girls that show up don't feel like its a dude party. Or if you are a girl you could use it to cover up the scent of hanging out with a guy or something. The ideas are endless.

So we have that and we also had the gem of an idea called the "blanket snorkel" which is a blanket with a breathing apparatus under it which would let fresh air in while also keeping your whole body warm under the blanket. Good for cold rooms and dutch oven protection.

Each of the products would have a stupid little relationship drama folded around them. I thought it would be fun to have the "blanket snorkel" take place entirely under the covers of a bed and filmed with the nightvision feature on my camera. There would be different ways to work in product descriptions such as the infomercial/training video that is playing during the dateable thing.

I got the idea for Dateable the product after buying a lunchable and talking with one of the workwives about the romantic possibilities of the lazy lunch option. I believe I sketched her a very detailed diagram but I believe she threw it out as she threw out all memories of us and our workplace when she was accepted into the promised land (a job with very good pay, benefits and respect without the sexual harassment [I didn't think they existed in Michigan either]).

Maybe a month or two from now you will see a refined video version of this script. You could be all like "Aww man I could have been a part of this/Aww man I could have stopped this." But you didn't and so now you will just have to sit there with the other 12 viewers wishing you would have did something.

Ok the laptop is starting to feel like its 20 feet away from me as I type this which means I'm either getting tired, sick or the salvia I just dropped is kicking in.

Oh and I got my stitches out today. The scar makes my back look like a treasure map. AND THE TREASURE IS PUSS!

Reflections: Work in 2010

Last work week of 2010, let us reflect about some events that happened and how they affected me.

Work Wife (Rebecca Cunningham) Left Me:

She actually left me twice, once to go to work at main office and again to take a much better job at a company that is a dream for many of the employees at the company I currently work at. I appreciate the stuffing out of both of the wives, and even though this one is now too good to talk to me anymore, I am happy for her.

Work Mother went on medical leave:

Haven't done a proper post regarding work mother because I think the name explains her well enough. The company and her family has worked her to a wheelchair, despite really riling up another coworker I miss her taking on the work load and keeping select managers off my back. If she was financially secure and her family wasn't so terrible to her I would hope that she wouldn't come back from medical leave, but I have a feeling that she won't be done with my workplace until she is incapacitated permanently. I got to see an ambulance called for her after she passed out on her last day, so that was something.

I got my first raise:

It was 1%, described to me as "thankfully we have some money to throw around this year, happy to report you will be getting a (lists actual dollar amount that 1% of my yearly salary would be) and that will be RETROACTIVE for the start of the year. I would have been less angry if they would have given me nothing, or taken 1% away from everyone in the company including myself.

I got numerous rejection letters (both internal and external jobs) and 0 interviews:

Currently have an application pending for a job that is the exact description of my talents (apparently they need someone to taunt SLEEPY CRICKET and make rape jokes at Kellogg), we will see what interesting way they will phrase "not interested at this time" in their rejection letter.

I made an awesome joke:

There is a office coffee pot at my workplace, it is terrible and digusting. There is one guy who really loves the coffee. I made this joke:

"I like my women like I like my coffee; smelly and left over from (guy who drinks all the coffee)."

It was the highlight of my work week, possibly my career.

HERE'S TO PROFESSIONALLY SUCCESSFUL 2011!