YOU ARE A VALUABLE MEMBER OF OUR TEAM- Epilogue

Our hero and A died with much media coverage, but little fanfare. Their deaths were spun into larger stories of upheaval and unrest. For some reason the police investigating the incident didn't really know what to do with the smorgasbord of history between the former project manager and our hero, so they offered a plea of vehicular manslaughter and it was accepted. The former project manager enters his correctional facility... not as a hero, but reasonably respected... he enjoys his time in prison.

The media coverage of the event scares away Wal-Mart and any other potential buyers of SS. With general merchandise cleared out and half of the stores empty, the founder worked with his family while on his deathbed to come up with a new strategy for the store. SS would not restock the shelves, they would lease out the empty store space cheaply to small businesses. This plan was not an overnight success but overtime SS became known as an incubator and champion of small businesses. Slowly SS reclaimed it's territory from Wal-Mart and evolved from an irrelevant superstore to a business that supported the community.

This transition included interviewing all employees for a third time and hiring them back in. Those that made the cut were happy to have health insurance and a paycheck that came from the place that they worked, not some worthless middleman of a contractor. SS used this time to clean house of store management, replacing bottom tier college grads with people who knew and cared about their workplace. Service manager was one of the few that turned down the job at SS, having our hero watch the store gave her a chance to think and explore other carer options.

One of those options was the recently vacated project manager position.

YOU ARE A VALUABLE MEMBER OF OUR TEAM- Part 5

Our hero returns to SS 2 days later. His time off from the campaign and the fake job of service manager was the first real time off he's taken in half a decade. He ate, slept, and took hour long bathroom breaks. He had forgotten what it felt like to have nothing on the agenda. That time was over, he had work to do. He approaches the service office, eager to check in with A and track the results of the campaign. He stopped as he entered the door without knocking, the service manager had returned.

H "You came back?"

S "I was just about to say the same thing to you. Saw your customer service clip on the news and felt I should stop in."

H "Yeah it got a little our of hand, but aside from that the cash drawers have balanced and stock is being liquidated at a pretty solid pace."

S "Seems like you had anything over control, I question some of these manual overtime entries but its less fraud than I was expecting considering the circumstances and your history."

H "So I guess I'll take off then, thanks for the letting me mind the store..." (our hero begins to leave)

S "Hey did you take anything out of petty cash for yourself? I planned on paying you for your time."

H "Don't worry about it. I'm good."

Our hero walks away from the service office, for once he did not have a mission. He didn't check in with A but assumed the campaign had a life of its own. He thought about what his next move would be. Maybe he should stay in the city and try to do something while the economy was in the tank and opportunities were available. Maybe he should just get in his car and drive until he couldn't afford it anymore. Maybe he should update his resume and restart the whole corporate job thing.

He takes off his SS work shirt as he walked toward the exit. He hadn't done that since high school, so excited to leave and full of pent up energy from the day cooped up in the store. He would get so excited leaving, maybe he talked to a pretty girl in the check out line, maybe he slipped some racist comment into a customer conversation without anyone catching on, maybe he memorized a credit card number to try when he got home... the type of quasi-opportunities that would fill you with hope for the next hour or so.

A and B spot him as he heads out the door.

B "You out?"

H "It's all yours boys!"

A wanted to fill him in on what had happened since the fight. The cops had been by a couple times, and without anyone pressing charges his former project manager went home; only to see the events of the day had been broadcasted to hundreds of thousands. Upon seeing the video the campaign audience had put two and two together to make five and then spread word to a point where the agency had to distance itself from the project manager as a means of client-preservation.

Former project manager was now not only former in the sense that our hero no longer worked for him, but former in the sense that he was no longer in the position that he defined his life with. People were not returning his calls. He had lied to his wife about the past couple of days but he didn't have the funds to keep up the ruse for long. His nemesis wasn't even in a financial or corporate position for it to be worth retaliation. Looking at himself and his unredeemable reputation and career, he saw no way out. He wasn't like our hero, he couldn't hit the reset button on his life. He had bills to pay and a family to support. He had a boat for God's sake, no one is giving a handout to a guy with a boat. He had a gun for some reason, he thought briefly about using it on himself, maybe somehow making a video of it as a response to the one that had ruined him. But he didn't think he could figure out how to upload the footage after the fact... maybe if he live streamed it...

While working out the details of this terrible idea in his mind, he had driven to SS without realizing it. He wasn't looking for our hero, but instinct took him here. Maybe it was because this is where he used to get his painkillers. Maybe he came here because he found people watching and the sounds of commerce soothing. He pulled in the parking lot without any type of plan. Until he saw our hero.

"It's all your's boys!" Our hero felt a sunbeam as he emerged from the store. Even in the middle of summer, the adjustment from overactive store air-conditioning to natural temperature was a pleasant one. Walking to his car, our hero smiled for the first time in a while... it was a good day.

A Crossover SUV hit our hero and continued to travel with the torso over the hood. It picked up speed and ran directly into a cement column that was supporting the entrance lobby. In slow-motion the former project manager saw our hero's head lurch back from the impact and burst like a watermelon against the sharp edge of the column.

An airbag goes off. The former project manager is not injured but does not seem to realize what happened. He takes a minute to exhale, for what seems like the first time since college... maybe high school. After that brief moment of clarity his car door opens and he is dragged out forcefully. He is smiling for some reason, not related to the death of our hero but just to it finally looking like a good day.

He is thrown to the ground, even in the middle of summer, the adjustment from overactive car air-conditioning to natural temperature was a pleasant one. Former project manager felt like he was in a pleasant dream despite the chaos that was going on around him.

"Oh wow, you are one of our hero's friends"

Somehow both lazily and efficiently, the former project manager pulls out his handgun and shoots A in the head.

B runs over and kicks the former manager in the head making him blackout immediately.

YOU ARE A VALUABLE MEMBER OF OUR TEAM- Part 4

And contact. Our hero had expected some type of response to the campaign that he waged against his former project manager but didn't expect it to be a physical assault and didn't expect it to be mere steps outside the SS entrance. Hero had to ignore his natural response to defend or fight back. The resulting couple of blows hurt, but not in any life threatening way, the project manager was large but did not show any signs of physical training or practice. They were both equally winded.

Not sure what to do next, or how to handle the small crowd of people that had gathered the project manager began to walk away. It was 3PM, the project manager had meant to just swing by the location at lunch to try and get his prescription filled for the second time. It had been a couple days since he's been out but he thought it was just a system error the first time he had turned away. The dull pain in his head combined with the sudden realization where the corporate heckling had come from set him off.

"Why?" Our hero responded loudly in a wobbly tone... the project manager stomped back over kicked him and screamed (mostly to the crowd of people) "because you deserve it." He kicked him again and stormed off. A customer that was recently assisted by our hero in the store approaches:

"Oh my God... are you alright?"

(slowly getting up and surveying his damage) "Yeah I... just need to clean up."

"Do you want me to call 911?"

(our hero drops his voice to an almost whisper) "Would you? I'm going to go change, A inside might have some info on the customer who did this"

Our hero slowly turns toward A on his way out who was waiting in the lobby area. A shuts the camcorder off and displays a thumbs up. Our hero slowly gets in his car and goes to a nearby motel to rest. The assault had woken up our hero out of a daze he had been in for the past couple of days. He hadn't really been sleeping/nor been awake... almost in an autopilot mode fueled by his anger and finally having a target to direct it towards.

A and our hero had discussed the possibility of retaliation from project manager, they didn't expect it to be physical. The customer did end up calling the police, A provided just enough information for them to identify the project manager and gave our hero's old address to the police. They would hopefully pick up the project manager from somewhere embarrassing either work, afterwork drinks, a client meeting or some combination. They would hopefully chase their tails for a day or two on finding our hero.

No mention of the footage was made to the police, while it would probably keep the project manager in custody for a longer period, it would open too many questions going directly to the cops. They will see it on the internet when the rest of the world does. The trick to maintaining interest in a campaign like this is giving people just enough information to write their own stories and come to their own assumptions. Violence, sex or anything that is implied always goes further than when it is shown, because when people have to fill in the blanks they recreate it in their imaginations. That's why the movie is never as good as the book. That's why our hero only partially cared if there was anything legitimate to base this campaign on.

Naming anything can be difficult, if you give it the wrong title no one will be bothered to care; where as if the name resonates then people will sit through anything. A looked through some of the most popular internet videos; rappers, republican primary, celebrity... inspiration is not striking. A titles it "Customer assaults employee at SS (store location information)," due to the project manager being a lot louder and our hero seeming defenseless it seems random, nothing is needed to be edited out. A is unhappy with the title but puts a direct download link in the video description, maybe someone will think of a better title and repost.

A stepped away from the SS manager computer, there was nothing more for him to do until our hero returned. Would he return? Seems like he could do more damage in his disappearance than if he continued the campaign. A decided to mention that now would be a good time to quit next time he saw him. B interrupts his thought on the matter by thrusting a Smartphone in his face.

"Dude you gotta see this video, local news just reported that someone got F'd up in our own parking lot."

YOU ARE A VALUABLE MEMBER OF OUR TEAM- Part 3

Ugh I dont' want to write this anymore.

Our hero enters the office where A has been using flash drive resources to find dirt on his old employer. the following conversation would be broken up by various retail/liquidation shenanigans.

H "did you find anything on the drive?"

A "no, most of the files are half there or corrupted. I tried to tell you that before you left."

H "I was holding out hope there would be something incriminating on there"

A "are you trying to take this place to court or something"

H "not really, I probably would have used it to make myself feel better about not working for him anymore"

A "Well if you are just looking for a reason to hate him, I looked up his name on our system... since everyone's a contractor everyone has access to everything. He's been on a pretty heavy pain killer script, paying for it with cash...."

H "he's got insurance... I don't know if that does anything for my mental state. Can you lose the prescription? maybe make kick him off it for a day or two, til he pays off another doctor to write him a new one."

A "it'll require a field trip the pharmacy but I'll give it a shot. I was trying to find out what kind of dirt that you were looking for so I did a search for ad agency fraud. Top hits were over billing and money laundering."

H ".... seems like money laundering would be hard to prove... probably annoying to prove innocence. maybe we can use that."

A "use it for what"

H "to do some damage. this guy's dirty... I just need something to get people fired up about it. we take whatever contacts we have on the drive; clients, former coworkers, we start some type of campaign to just get people sniffing and assuming the worst."

A "and then what?"

H "the whole advertising industry is a deck of cards, hopefully it'll be enough to knock him down a peg"

A "and you are ok with doing this whole thing based on a lie and your anger."

H "I think I can live with it. Do you want to help?"

A "if you think he deserves it"

More retail shenanigans happen while the boys work on their campaign to stir dissent. They do targeted direct mail, fake investigation inquiries, getting sloppier and sloppier as they go on.

Over the next couple days our hero moves the remaining store merchandise around to encourage purchase and cutoff unused portions of the store. Through eliminating wasted space he has reduced the general merchandise area less than a department's worth of space. Surveying the reduced footprint of reduced price clothing and knick knacks, A understands what the plan is for the store.

A " I know what they are planning for SS"

H "shutting it down?"

A "no, they are slowly clearancing out all of the non-grocery stuff. They've already replaced the union with temp labor. Once the founder dies they are going to sell the chain to Wal-mart.... walmart will move in the existing locations of stores that don't have direct competition. They are keeping grocery going so that people won't look for other options."

H "that seems like a lot of work"

A "easier than actually competing on an honest level"

H "honesty is the hardest policy"

At this point the project manager that fired our hero walks empty handed from the SS pharmacy. Noticing our hero and A, he heads directly towards them.

PM "Can I assume you had something to do with my prescription getting lost"

A "It was lost? I could have sworn I saw that prescription on an email attachment recently."

H "Sir we are trying to manage a liquidation, if you have any concerns about your service today please report them to management or deputy management (show's fake sherif star that he took from the toy department)

PM "Can we talk somewhere private?"

H "Sure"

Our hero leaves the store with PM, it is the first time our hero has been out during daylight since he was fired. Despite the daylight being dimmer than the halogen's inside the store. Our hero squints to take in the natural light, his eyes adjust just in time to see the PM's fist connect with his face.

YOU ARE A VALUABLE MEMBER OF OUR TEAM- Part 2

I haven't given up yet....

Our hero turns to the office computers, hastily closing any programs that were open without saving. Inserting the flash drive that had been plugged into his former boss's computer he began organizing the hodgepodge of documents on the drive. The USB drive started to make a soft noise, our hero flipped a switch on it and it returned to normal.

The story of the drive was a funny one actually, years ago SS was the exclusive reseller of these units which were meant for idiot proof backing up of recent documents and photos. Flip the switch on the back of the USB drive and it would just start backing up recently opened files. The product was cheap and very successful, giving SS an interesting spike in general merchandise sales. Weeks later the product was recalled in a very messy legal suit. Apparently the units were a security risk as they didn't prompt the host computer of what was going on. After learning the details of the recall SS employees would use the returns to play pranks on local businesses.

Despite working at his former employer a couple of years, our hero couldn't really understand the majority of the documents he was opening. Most of the spreadsheets included references to files that weren't available outside of the company network.

A knock at the door interrupts our hero's investigation, it was A and B two former work friends. They were annoyed for a couple of reasons,

1. our hero made no attempt to keep the friendship alive after he left the workplace.

2. our hero had now been given the keys to the store

3. Our hero had shut the time clocks down by closing out of the time manager software.

H "Hey A and B, how've you guys been."

A "How are you here?"

H "I don't know"

B "You shut down the time clocks"

H "Oh, is that a software thing?"

(A helps restart the software and adds hours to the previous week)

A "I'm putting in some overtime for us."

H "So what have you two been up to."

B "You don't care"

H "Pretend I do"

A "I got my MBA, he came out of the closet"

H "Sweet, how's that working out"

A "Not great"

H "Well you want to use that MBA and look over some random business documents?"

(A sits down at computer and looks at folder of files)

A what is this?

H Recently opened documents from a coworkers computer. I'm looking for anything that looks like a discrepancy or just doesn't seem right.... it's random, I'll take anything you get bad juju from.

A I... I don't even know most of this stuff is referencing... you have some recently sent emails in here, some of of the files are corrupted

H Just use what you have, i just need some dirt... anything.

B You ok?

H I'm terrible. Take me for a walk and show me how awful this place has gotten.

Our hero and B go for a lap around the store. They used to do this whenever customers were light back in the day. Hero would carry a mop and B would randomly squirt the ground with a water bottle to give the impression of work. They awkwardly caught up with each other

B "why'd you leave?"

H "because something better came along"

B "and you are back?"

H "I don't know. something better went away. Why did you stay"

B "I don't know. this isn't all I do you know...and I won't be here for long, this place is on its last legs"

Our hero looks to the half stocked general merchandise shelves, many things are missing from the planogram or outdated.

H "it looks like a dilapidated dollar tree over here. grocery looked ok though... have they announced anything."

B "not yet, the founder is on his deathbed, his kids will probably sell the chain or liquidate when he croaks"

SS has tried many things to stay relevant in the age of Wal-Mart and Amazon. Groceries were always solid, but general merchandise always seemed to be investing in the wrong theme. Seeing that people were price sensitive but wanted big screen tv's an early and costly mistake was SS investing heavily in EDTV's, which were flat screen TV's that didn't run in high definition... they somehow looked worse that customers sets at home. SS sensed a frustration with retail return policies so they implemented "no questions asked" return policy. This policy fostered an economy of enterprising individuals to bring old, used or stolen goods to their local SS and get MSRP in return. SS actually had a winner in a cheap tablet that was reasonably sellable, but during it's public announcement at CES the product manager had an epileptic seizure, fell off the stage and died. The Internet mocked the tablet for killing it's inventor (actually it was a malfunctioning presentation light), dooming the product to a firesale and significant loss for SS.

The stories were now painting the picture of a company that had been repeatedly kicked when it was down, while competitors were free to exploit everyone they do business with. Our hero wondered why he was so apathetic about this.

B " You know our the lines leader isn't coming back right? She's been talking about walking out for a while now, she had some interviews or sugar daddies lined up and has been looking for the right time to bolt."

H "What are we going to do then?"

B "Well I'm going to go take a 3rd paid lunch and then cruising in the frozen food section."

H "Is that where that closeted dad's hang out?"

B "Sure. You should stick around though, if you don't have anything else going on."

As B walks off, leaving Hero to seriously consider leaving SS and never coming back. The store intercom interrupts his escape plans with a page, "Hero please report to the service office, we have found some dirt."

You can't make an omelet without breaking

OUT SOME DELETED SCENES!

Ok its not a scene it's 2 lines and its terrible. Speaking of terrible I am watching Operation: Endgame. It's got everyone of "THAT GUY!"'s from other movies and has them just improving vulgarities around a super low budget DVD spy movie. I'm wondering what actually made the actors say yes to this. Probably just an easy paycheck and a week of notacting. I guess the better question is why does this movie exist? Why did anyone give this guy money? I'm assuming the famous faces are enough to recoup the cost.. but why does it exist?

Did the guy behind this have a story he wanted to tell? I can't imagine so. Why does any piece of media exist? Why do I keep making my little videos that I am immediately embarrassed by? I don't think its completely an ego thing. I also don't think, at least in this project, it was some epic tale that I needed to get out of me. I have that epic. And I'm not going to tell anyone about it until I'm ready to do it. Oh forget it, its a less hacky version of Crash set in a liquidating Meijer-esque superstore. Instead of an examination of race it would look at class systems and values. In my head its pretentious as heck and I'm not working on it until it doesn't make me sound like a douche.

Movie update: Rob Coddry just killed the black kid from Tropic Thunder with a papershredder. It would have been cool if they would have had any type of effects/prop budget, but as with every movie made since Bourne it just cuts away or gets shaky.

I think I made Management Material to prove to myself that I still had it in me. It had been a while since I tried something serious... or seriouser than a holiday video. And it didn't turn out great but it had a beginning middle and end. I'm not some tortured artist, and I think thats why at the end of the day I can get something done. Where as others would cry after what they don't have I can usually put something together with what little I have.

Move update: That girl who is always the nemesis in romantic comedies just killed the blond pregnant girl from LOST with the blade of a paper cutter. It was better when John Stewart did it in the Faculty.

I'm now 45 minutes into the movie, I still hate it but maybe it was this dude's first gig writing/directing or whatever. Maybe this wasn't what he wanted to do but it was what was available. A stepping stone to something special. He'll move on from this one, to a slightly less cruddy one, and maybe if he doesn't loose his soul he'll make something real.

Movie update: Character just witnessed violence and asked the camera (POV of another actor) if it was appropriate to be turned on right now. I now have the urge to cut that running line out of Management Material or just delete the entire project to remove any association with this movie.

"Kinda weird but I'll take it"

This week I'm trying to write little stories inspired by sentences that inspire me. Here is number 2:

Hello and welcome to "kinda weird but I'll take it" the dating show made specifically for messed up people like yourself. Today our lucky lady is Shemane, and she will be choosing from three lucky bachelors. Gentlemen introduce yourselves.

Umm... hey.... SLEEPY CRICKET here. I will introduce myself with three important life facts. 1. I am hip. 2... .I am not invested enough in this question to continue.

OH TOMMY!

Hi my name is C Minus and I'm hoping you can be my plus. I enjoy walking, especially if I have a dog leash or your hand to hold. I am active in many volunteer and recreational activities. I would say I live a pretty full life and I could use someone to share it with. My goals are to not work where I currently work and not live where I currently live.

Lovely. Shemale, do you have any questions for our 3 very eligible bachelors?

Bachelors, judging by the sound of my voice. What would you say to me if we met at a casual location such as a nightclub or Jimmie John's.

Have you seen the latest thing I'm interested in? Oh you have? Well I'm not doing that so much anymore. (pulls out phone, puts on sunglasses, goes to sleep).

OH TOMMY!

Why hello there! My name is C Minus. How are you today? Wonderful. I'm recovering from a rough day at work/church/home/not home but I'm remaining cautiously optimistic about my situation in life. What brings out to Jimmie John's tonight? TURKEY TOM? ME TOO! While this place doesn't have real mustard, it does have alfalfa sprouts. Alfalfa, probably my favorite word that can be typed only homerow keys. Ok I'm going to go tell SLEEPY that I talked to a real girl. Have a good night!

Bachelors. Let's say we get into an argument about where to eat. I want Jimmie Johns and you want not Jimmie John's. Where do we eat and how do you discuss it with me?

Unless Jimmie John's is what Little Caesar's is calling the Hot N' Ready's now that they aren't 5 dollars, then I am not eating no Jimmie John's. How about this. I'll get a Hot N' Ready and you get your Jimmie John's and we'll eat it at my place while I play WoW and ignore you. Hey can you look in my couch for a little bit? My brother is missing a sock.

OH TOMMY!

Listen here Shamwow I'm working for you here. If you want Jimmie John's I'll eat Jimmie's John all night long if I have to. I will take every part of my body, personality or lifestyle that you don't like and file it down until I am the most generic person that no woman could ever be offended, challenged or loved by. So when's dinner?

You all sound like very experienced and loving men. Except the first and last ones. I actually wonder if bachelors have actually seen woman in real life or if they are just making calculated assumptions based on what they discovered while looking up "hot chick" in wikipeida. But if I am wrong and you have all had a relationship before: Tell me a little about your previous relationships.

Um... uh... so I've started skateboarding karate lessons. I figured learning one skill is a lot of work but if I just picked the parts of each one I liked Old Country Buffet style I could come up with something people have never seen before and would make it tricky for them to judge me on. Want to go to Target and get some Clearance T-Shirts after this?

OH TOMMY!

OH C MINUS!?!?!??!?!

....

....

Do I have to pick one?

Yes. You don't have to go out with them we just need to just announce it on TV and have some footage of you hugging.

Well I guess my life expectancy is best if I picked Bachelor #1. So I'll choose him.

Wait... what?

OH TOMMY!

Well thanks to everyone who participated, and good luck to all of you messed up love birds out there. And just remember he might not be prince charming and he's definitely "KINDA WEIRD, BUT I'LL TAKE IT"

"Are you looking at my girlfriend"

The following is a one man one act play. You have my written and expressed consent to perform it any audition, community theater production or church talent show. But no tv, because I retain all television and animation rights.

(at a bar or church gathering)

Hey bro. Yeah you. I know what you are doing... and I don't like it. Part of me doesn't blame you but the part of me that aint my wang needs you to stop scrapping on my scrill. This don't gotta get physical but if you keep peeping; the blood is gonna start pouring. I worked hard for that chick man and I can't just have you here filling your eyes up for free. Fine man, you wanna play it like that? Let's take it outside then.

(outside)

Whew, it's cold here outside. Sorry about all that tough talk, she just really gets into it when I defend her honor, and lately no one's been attacking it so I gotta make up altercations to get her turned on. Actually would you mind going back in there and doing a bit more than not looking at her? Just get a little handsy, make it seem like an accident at first. Then I'll come in all big and bad and lay your creepface out. I mean but not really though, I do community theater and I'm really good at stage fighting. You'll be in control the whole time. What? Oh come on bro it'll be awesome, you might even get some digits out of it yourself! Just go in the side door and I'll follow in about 30 seconds.

(back inside bar or church gathering)

What the heck bro?! Thought I told you twice already, seems like the lessons I taught you faded faster than the black eyes I gave you. Don't give me that "what face" this aint no community theater production, I'm gonna gut you with this box cutter I found at work. It's got my coworker Steve's name on it so no one will even suspect it was me that sliced you. I'll do it man, all for the honor of my baby. That's right baby you wanna see me cut something off this guy don't you? Maybe take the removed appendage back home and use on whatever slot I'm not filling. Yeah baby you just keep getting yourself warmed up and I'll take care of this guy. (mouth's the words "come here" to other guy as he follows me out)

(outside)

DUDE THAT WAS SO AWESOME! You are an amazing actor, its like you are almost a lecherous dude in real life. Alright change of plans, I need you to smear this ketchup packet on your hands and then come back under the guise of you beating me in a fight. Then you just ask her to take you back to her place. OF COURSE SHE'LL SAY YES! Might be through tears but she'll be begging for it. Then when you are halfway through it I need you to give out some type of warcry in an octave or two high than your normal voice so I know its time. When I hear it I'm gonna barge in the room like I caught up with you guys... we are going to push each other around a bit then realize we are both in her bedroom for the same thing. Then we just go at it with each other romantically. Leaving her to just stand there and watch us and be all like "WTF?" Yeah... that'll show her.

Hey bro.... where you going bro. This plan's gonna work, we got her just where we want her. Why are you getting in your car? I can give you more lines? This'll be awesome. Fine douche have fun taking care of yourself tonight, gonna be the only loving you gonna get.