Finally a person I want to be like when I grow up

One guy I don't want to end up like.

Another guy I don't want to end up like

I've been thinking about writing these for a while and they have not turned out well for all the forethought that went into them. Oh well I had a big drive this weekend and a couple of my friendships are in flux so we are just gonna have to plow through.

There is one person at my job who I would like to turn out to be like as I get more comfortable in my adulthood. He isn't much of a shot caller at the workplace but he is well respected due to his performance and his calm nature.

That is something I want as a grown up "calm." Not only do I want to be calm but I want to be content being calm. It's tough for me to do that now. If something isn't going wrong it is almost like I see an NBA style shot clock ticking down the seconds until I sabotage myself. I crave peace at my job but I also talk a whole lot of trash on instant messenger/bathroom walls at work. But my manidol has it all down pat. He has been coming to me recently with some stuff to look up regarding end of the year business. Due to his calm and considerate nature I will normally drop things that are a much higher priority to help him. The psycho forklift guy is gonna scream whether I am timely with his stuff or late so I might as well help someone who knows how to control their emotions.

I often present myself as someone of an analytical mindset, this is a lie and not a very good one. I am more emotional than my mother and she is barely functional without her hormone pills. I forcefully push them down to be more like my manidol, but it just comes across as fake. My attempts clear and direct communication makes me sound like the Jigsaw Killer from Saw.

Another reason why I look up to my manidol is that he cares about his work and coworkers at the level where it is healthy, but he is at work because he has a life to support. I see a large picture by his desk of his kids and grandkids and I understand that his heart lies with them. His efforts are to do his job and go home at a reasonable hour. He will occasionally contribute a joke or something but he understands that there are no winners in the company pissing contest. Today as the ONE and TWO people I don't want to end up like tried to dominate the discussion of today's blizzard; my manidol focused on getting his work done and retreating to the safety of his family. When I ran a small business, one of my sayings was "I need you to show up to work, and show up TO WORK" my manidol does both and he might actually be the only one in the office who does this.

Despite never having a real conversation with my manidol, I can tell that he loves and is loved by many, he also is aware of this love coming in and out of him as he performs his job. That's what I want. I want to be able to have something real (unlike our first person I don't want to end up like) and I want that thing to be more important than my immediate needs and wants (unlike our second person I don't want to end up like). I think I'm on the right track in certain areas, but there are days like today and blog posts like this that show me I have a significant change of slipping into anti-rolemodels 1 or 2.

In other news: Could our prodigal son be returning? I DOUBT IT BUT LETS KEEP PRAYING FOR HIM!

TWO person who I don't want to be like when I grow up.

The 2/3 of this gem. That part was dumb because I was super tired. This part is dumb because I can't focus but want to get this idea out of my head. ENJOY!

And now we get to the second person at my job who I don't want to be like when I grow up. This man is a couple years older than me and is quite a bit more successful in the eyes of those in charge. I think we are both similarly driven and have similar interests. He is married and I believe he has his own house with plans to like have kids or whatever real grown ups do.

It all sounds well and good so far, until you realize (maybe on first sight, maybe after months of working together) that this man only really cares about himself. The wife, the job, the whatever are only bullet points on the resume of life that he is creating. When he want's something he will proclaim it as if he is God speaking down from upon the heavens. The third episode of management material (actually a majority of the whole show) is about this guy's thought process. He wants it because he wants it and that should be enough reason for anyone. If he talk say it louder or repeat it more than it should be his.

And so far he has been successful living as a person who is the center of his own universe, maybe due to the tricks he has learned in being self centered. I will tell you some of those tricks now.

How to be a successful self-centered person:

1. Involve yourself in everything you see. Whether it be work or fun you must involve yourself in the process. Notice how I didn't say "work" work is for suckers trying to achieve a common goal. You are out for yourself so either redirect your crew through your way of doing things or change the mission to a more self serving goal, but don't let the group take credit for the work. let them be pawns that you are controlling.

2. Make yourself irreplaceable. Take at least a couple of components necessary for the job to be done and keep them under your lock and key. If anyone asks for you to let the use the items tell them that you need to look the finished product over before you give it the final ok. That way you have sometime to change the coversheet order of people responsible.

3. State your goals and current projects, even if they don't exist. Upgrade your hobbies into missions. You don't drink on the weekends, you "microbrew". You don't go to the strip club afterwork, you "network" or "train for a marathon." Build (or tell people you are going to build) something, it can be worthless or it can be worth-negative for all you care. It's just something you are working on and that you can construct as a monument to your own awesomeness.

I am going on a tangent and I'll try to get the rest of this post on track.

I consider myself a driven person, but I also have a healthy does of self-hatred/love for others that keeps me balanced. But when I get in my zone it can be easy for me to ignore other things and people. Sometimes I ignore things and people purposely so that I don't dwell on dumb stuff.

I made this cartoon a couple years ago called REMOVED BY ME, maybe you will see it someday. And it was kind of funny and the most successful internet thing that I have ever done. The reason I think it was successful is because it was only about me and I just promoted the hell out of it where ever I could. My more recent stuff I enjoy a lot more because I was able to incorporate my friends and occasional nemisi into it. Not only can I enjoy our crappy writing, camera work and acting; I can enjoy the fun we had making it. REMOVED BY ME was not fun, REMOVED BY ME was me trapped inside of my own head with all of the maliciousness and hate that I am composed of. I think if the TWO person I don't want to be like when I grow up was into making crappy Internet videos, he would make something like my cartoon. A symbol of one man's voice because that man's voice is the only one who matters. I'm glad I made REMOVED BY ME because it got some demons out of my system but I wouldn't want to make it again. Unless you paid me, then I'd make whatever the heck you paid me to make.

I just skimmed this before going to bed and realized I mostly talked about myself instead of the person I don't want to be like. This proves that my transformation into the TWO person that I don't want to turn into is beginning. The suit... it makes me feel so... powerful.