A new franchise

So I had this idea for a movie franchise, probably gonna start off with a trilogy budgeted at 175 million each before prints and advertising. Gonna be this cocky but good guy who gets this power at the same time this evil guy gets power. They gotta fight but for the good guy to win he has to lose his cockiness, not the cockiness that comes from his character traits or jokes but the cockiness that we made up as a debilitating factor. With the help of his love interest and experienced associate he becomes a true hero and saves the day. He enjoys one chaste kiss with love interest before running off for unseen adventures.

WRITTEN/DIRECTED/STARRING C MINUS

BASED ON THE CHARACTERS OF DC COMICS/MARVEL/C-MINUS

END CREDITS

Movie fades from credits to experienced associate. Experienced associate has decided to become evil in the sequel and reveals himself to be the true bad guy and that first nemesis was just some foot soldier or something.

END CREDITS of crew. By crew I mean union personnel. Everyone else has had their name scrubbed off of this thing.

Movie fades from crew credits to reveal previously unseen/heard of supervisor for good guys. Supervisor asks our hero to join this band of good guys for future adventures.

END CREDITS of 14 special effects companies that were rushed into working on top of one another to meet the release date that was set for the movie before the movie was ever put into production.

Movie fades from special effect credits to reveal a spin off character that will be having his own origin story next summer.

END CREDITS of state governments that paid for this movie with tax credits and upfront bonuses for having an important media conglomerate choose their area to construct a green screen and have actors pretend to fight tennis balls.

Movie fades from government sponsorship credits to reveal that the producers of this movie have learned a lot since this movie was released 2 days ago and promise to take the character in "darker" directions for the sequel that will happen if international grosses cover the domestic shortfall.

END CREDITS of 3D effects companies and a message about returning the disposable 3D glasses you paid an extra 2.50 for.

Please see the concession stand out in the lobby for gift certificates and foodstuffs.

3D and lobby messages interrupted to make one last reference to a previous film/media product that this current movie was supposed to be rebooting.

Reasons I don't want to get up tomorrow

As you can see by the image to the right, Mondays are not that great. Although I don't really understand why Garfield would be saying this. I do not believe he ever had a traditional 9-5 job in the comics. Maybe it was due to Jon being out of the house and not feeding him. But Jon was a work at home architect if I recall correctly so I don't think that would make any difference to him either.

But I am not a fan of Mondays, at least not in my current job/life situation. Here are some reasons why:

1. I will most likely not be getting a nap/decent amount of sleep.

As I type this I am setting the alarm on my phone for 5:00 AM. Will I actually get up at that time? Probably not. Will I curse my maker for rousing me at this hour? Without question.

2. I will attempt to have slimfast for Breakfast and Lunch.

I am becoming a fatty again. My body hasn't reacted yet but I can tell it in my face. The face is the first to react to me becoming fat and the rest of me is soon to follow. I went back on slimfast a couple weeks ago to moderate success. I usually do not follow the plan on the weekends. I have also canceled my YMCA membership so I am not currently physcially active either. I'm hoping that next time I see SLEEPY CRICKET he will have 300-Style Abs and that will motivate me to start doing things again.

3. I do not like my job.

There is nothing to look forward to during the work week aside from others screwing up more than I do.

4. I do not get paid this week.

If there is not a 1st or 15th in a workweek then my willingness to actually work is greatly diminished.

5. I did something meaningful last weekend and did nothing this weekend.

I have lost any momentum I thought I had.

6. It was a rough Sunday School and it was my fault.

We had a meeting before hand which made me crappy frazzled instead of fun frazzled. I also think about people not only get paid to do what I do but also (DELETED)

7. There was a sporting event on Sunday night.

If there is one thing I hate more than overhearing weather talk it is sports talk. And there's gonna be a lot of sports talk on Monday.

8. I don't have many creative projects to look forward to in the near future.

As I mentioned in a previous post, I have given up on "Dateable" and cannot think of any other ideas. I have a lot of unpaid ASSIGNMENTS, but those crush my soul instead of set it free.

9. I just looked at a guest list for something I'm going to and it has gotten worse.

More people I am going to have to perform for in order to lessen the awkwardness. By perform I mean act like an idiot around so that they don't try to challenge or talk to me. It's just easier doing that then dealing with them on a person to person basis.

10. I still have to make my bed tonight.

I hate making my bed, I don't even know if the mattress pad is dry.

And yet I will continue the grind. One good thing is that I am saving money, and I did apply for a job yesterday so that should be a fun rejection letter to read sometime next week.

Finally a person I want to be like when I grow up

One guy I don't want to end up like.

Another guy I don't want to end up like

I've been thinking about writing these for a while and they have not turned out well for all the forethought that went into them. Oh well I had a big drive this weekend and a couple of my friendships are in flux so we are just gonna have to plow through.

There is one person at my job who I would like to turn out to be like as I get more comfortable in my adulthood. He isn't much of a shot caller at the workplace but he is well respected due to his performance and his calm nature.

That is something I want as a grown up "calm." Not only do I want to be calm but I want to be content being calm. It's tough for me to do that now. If something isn't going wrong it is almost like I see an NBA style shot clock ticking down the seconds until I sabotage myself. I crave peace at my job but I also talk a whole lot of trash on instant messenger/bathroom walls at work. But my manidol has it all down pat. He has been coming to me recently with some stuff to look up regarding end of the year business. Due to his calm and considerate nature I will normally drop things that are a much higher priority to help him. The psycho forklift guy is gonna scream whether I am timely with his stuff or late so I might as well help someone who knows how to control their emotions.

I often present myself as someone of an analytical mindset, this is a lie and not a very good one. I am more emotional than my mother and she is barely functional without her hormone pills. I forcefully push them down to be more like my manidol, but it just comes across as fake. My attempts clear and direct communication makes me sound like the Jigsaw Killer from Saw.

Another reason why I look up to my manidol is that he cares about his work and coworkers at the level where it is healthy, but he is at work because he has a life to support. I see a large picture by his desk of his kids and grandkids and I understand that his heart lies with them. His efforts are to do his job and go home at a reasonable hour. He will occasionally contribute a joke or something but he understands that there are no winners in the company pissing contest. Today as the ONE and TWO people I don't want to end up like tried to dominate the discussion of today's blizzard; my manidol focused on getting his work done and retreating to the safety of his family. When I ran a small business, one of my sayings was "I need you to show up to work, and show up TO WORK" my manidol does both and he might actually be the only one in the office who does this.

Despite never having a real conversation with my manidol, I can tell that he loves and is loved by many, he also is aware of this love coming in and out of him as he performs his job. That's what I want. I want to be able to have something real (unlike our first person I don't want to end up like) and I want that thing to be more important than my immediate needs and wants (unlike our second person I don't want to end up like). I think I'm on the right track in certain areas, but there are days like today and blog posts like this that show me I have a significant change of slipping into anti-rolemodels 1 or 2.

In other news: Could our prodigal son be returning? I DOUBT IT BUT LETS KEEP PRAYING FOR HIM!

TWO person who I don't want to be like when I grow up.

The 2/3 of this gem. That part was dumb because I was super tired. This part is dumb because I can't focus but want to get this idea out of my head. ENJOY!

And now we get to the second person at my job who I don't want to be like when I grow up. This man is a couple years older than me and is quite a bit more successful in the eyes of those in charge. I think we are both similarly driven and have similar interests. He is married and I believe he has his own house with plans to like have kids or whatever real grown ups do.

It all sounds well and good so far, until you realize (maybe on first sight, maybe after months of working together) that this man only really cares about himself. The wife, the job, the whatever are only bullet points on the resume of life that he is creating. When he want's something he will proclaim it as if he is God speaking down from upon the heavens. The third episode of management material (actually a majority of the whole show) is about this guy's thought process. He wants it because he wants it and that should be enough reason for anyone. If he talk say it louder or repeat it more than it should be his.

And so far he has been successful living as a person who is the center of his own universe, maybe due to the tricks he has learned in being self centered. I will tell you some of those tricks now.

How to be a successful self-centered person:

1. Involve yourself in everything you see. Whether it be work or fun you must involve yourself in the process. Notice how I didn't say "work" work is for suckers trying to achieve a common goal. You are out for yourself so either redirect your crew through your way of doing things or change the mission to a more self serving goal, but don't let the group take credit for the work. let them be pawns that you are controlling.

2. Make yourself irreplaceable. Take at least a couple of components necessary for the job to be done and keep them under your lock and key. If anyone asks for you to let the use the items tell them that you need to look the finished product over before you give it the final ok. That way you have sometime to change the coversheet order of people responsible.

3. State your goals and current projects, even if they don't exist. Upgrade your hobbies into missions. You don't drink on the weekends, you "microbrew". You don't go to the strip club afterwork, you "network" or "train for a marathon." Build (or tell people you are going to build) something, it can be worthless or it can be worth-negative for all you care. It's just something you are working on and that you can construct as a monument to your own awesomeness.

I am going on a tangent and I'll try to get the rest of this post on track.

I consider myself a driven person, but I also have a healthy does of self-hatred/love for others that keeps me balanced. But when I get in my zone it can be easy for me to ignore other things and people. Sometimes I ignore things and people purposely so that I don't dwell on dumb stuff.

I made this cartoon a couple years ago called REMOVED BY ME, maybe you will see it someday. And it was kind of funny and the most successful internet thing that I have ever done. The reason I think it was successful is because it was only about me and I just promoted the hell out of it where ever I could. My more recent stuff I enjoy a lot more because I was able to incorporate my friends and occasional nemisi into it. Not only can I enjoy our crappy writing, camera work and acting; I can enjoy the fun we had making it. REMOVED BY ME was not fun, REMOVED BY ME was me trapped inside of my own head with all of the maliciousness and hate that I am composed of. I think if the TWO person I don't want to be like when I grow up was into making crappy Internet videos, he would make something like my cartoon. A symbol of one man's voice because that man's voice is the only one who matters. I'm glad I made REMOVED BY ME because it got some demons out of my system but I wouldn't want to make it again. Unless you paid me, then I'd make whatever the heck you paid me to make.

I just skimmed this before going to bed and realized I mostly talked about myself instead of the person I don't want to be like. This proves that my transformation into the TWO person that I don't want to turn into is beginning. The suit... it makes me feel so... powerful.

I have a secret, you have to promise not to tell anyone

I'm serious, you can't tell anyone. It's gonna be a bunch of drama if anyone else finds out. Ok so I've been wanting to tell someone this for a while now. My secret is that Leonardo DiCaprio is a terrible actor. Yes I know it's crazy, but you have to believe me. I seen him act. With my own eyes. He is the absolute worst actor who has ever seriously thought they could act. I have proof. Look at the evidence before you disbelieve me:

1. Leonardo DiCaprio is a terrible actor because he looks like the 13th most popular dude at a small town high school:

Not the one that is popular because of his looks talent or dad owning a dealership, but the one who is popular because he is an ahole towards the non privileged for the 1-12 most popular dudes enjoyment. The one who practiced his stare in the mirror and took any and all opportunities to go shirtless, showing off the frame of a prepubescent boy.

Oh I remember how you ladies used to talk about the Allegan county equivelent to you Leo: "You know he may only be the 13th most popular dude at our small town high school but with his shirt off he looks like an anime character. And I saw this one anime with tentacle penetration. And by this one anime I mean EVERY ANIME."

2. I can hear Leonardo thinking every time he is on screen:

And it goes a little something like this:

"Oh look at me I'm Leonardo DiCaprio! Oh shoot what movie is this one? Oh they want me to be serious right now. I'm gonna glare at this dude. Step 1 Leo remember to furrow your brow. Think back to the day "Growing Pains" got canceled just a year after they brought you in for comic relief. Pretty sad. Thata boy Leo you are doing great! Oh shoot much lower paid character actors are acting at me... what am I gonna do? I'm gonna scream and pretend I'm in an entirely different movie they are, that will get the Academy to notice me! Oh Marty Scorsesse will be so proud of me. So proud. Hollywood might even throw me another Victoria's Secret girl if I do good. Ok for the rest of this scene I'll just do the same stuff I've been doing every move since "Gilbert Grape" and mentally repeat I THINK I CAN I THINK I CAN I THINK I CAN I THINK I CAN."

3. He is the only actor that gets cast in real (well funded movies), and he pisses all over each and everyone of them:

Adult movies don't get made any more, at least not at any reasonable budget. What gets made are products and franchises. I like products/franchises but when the last 2 rationale adults in Hollywood put some monies together on a decent looking film without a happy meal tie in, who do they bring in to ruin it? Leonardo DiCaprio. I get it... he appeals to everyone or something, but so does Dwayne the Rock Johnson and I would buy him as J. Edgar Hoover a heck of a lot quicker than that prick from the DEPAWRTRED (did I get Leo's Boston accent right? I hope so, I probably spent more time spelling it than he did practicing it).

Ok I'm done, this secret I have told you probably qualifies me as unAmerican or something. I hope whatever pictures this douche has of the 7 Scientologists that control Hollywood are dirty enough to warrant him ruining every decent looking movie released for the past/next 10 years.

Grading My Internet Birthday Messages

As Sleepy Cricket's amazing cartoon yesterday may have indicated, I had a birthday recently. One of the joys of the Internet age is reading statements of congratulations typed out by friends, family and people who you just have on your friends list in order to keep tabs on and see how fat they have gotten recently (they have gotten quite fat recently). I thought I would take some of the gems that were posted on my facebook wall and critique them. Obviously this is a joke so feel free to chill out before you go getting your homies riled up.

This is the kind of wall post that make me want to go back and revise my Social Contract with Every Woman so that I may add in a clause that allows me to slap you in the face when you type crap like this at me. F

I hope that someone gives you (belated) CPR. F

I am certain that you used the first 23 hours and 47 minutes of my birthday writing this amazing birthday wall post! F

Do you even know who this is? F

No No No this is not MTV raps so save the street talk for your pimp. F

Oh thanks for the update you facetious freak. I did plan on enjoying myself but then I decided to read your awful birthday message a couple dozen times instead. F

Just who does this nosy woman think she is? Here I am trying to celebrate 27 years of putting up with her ace and she's all being interrogative and stuff. And I'm sure that big date thing is a joke that you think I'm going to die alone, but jokes on you because (as of 10:30 on 10/12) I have a girlfriend. F

Hopefully I received a wallet for my birthday so I can stick it in my mouth to prevent biting my tongue because this post just gave me a seizure. How would I translate that to spoken word by the way, would I scream every other letter spelled out or would I try to break the word up in letter sized soundbites and scream/talk it? F

You're so blocked from my facebook. F

Unless OMG stands for Only Messages Garbage then you should probably separate the abbreviating the Lord's name in vain from the worlds most generic birthday wish. F

No actually you shouldn't say unbirthday because its my birthday and if it was my unbirthday you would need to post it any day but today. F

I think you are joking but this is the scariest thing I've ever heard in my life. F

AUDIO RIPPED FROM A VIDEO POST

Oh well look (listen) to who brought the family out to wish me a happy birthday. More like look who is using my birthday to show off not only his still fresh union but also the fact that he has a better webcam than me. Also I can see just enough of the living room behind them to believe that they live on the set to Maury Povich. F-

THANKS FOR THE KIND WORDS EVERYONE! I'LL SEE YOU AT THE SAME TIME/SAME PLACE NEXT YEAR!

Inventory: Providing an accurate count of the reasons I hate this process

Of all the annoying things about having a big persons job, performing a quarterly inventory takes the cake. It's not so much as the actual inventory either (I looked at job responsibilities and it turns out 75% involved counting), but those who enjoy the inventory process. Here are some reasons why the inventory process is terrible:

1. Inventory happens on a Saturday

Not only is my Saturday ruined by inventory but also my Friday night as well. Instead of happy binge drinking because the week is over, I have to angry binge drink because there is an additional day of work left and one less day of not work to look forward to. Both types of drinking lead to the same place (outside a random person's apartment where I enebriatedly think a girl I like lives), but I'll be in two completely different moods butchering two completely different KC and Jojo songs.

2. The knowledge that Jason is not working

I like to organize everything I do by comparing it to what Jason is doing that exact moment. And last inventory according to my sources Jason was sleeping, fiddling with his projector, revising his amazon wish-list, and anonymously browsing online dating sites. Inventory rates as a distant second to all of Jason's Saturday activities which makes me the loser, a position I am growing more comfortable with through each passing day.

editors note: notice how Jason's activities do not include working this blog, although as of a couple minutes ago he asked for permission to allow his goon squad to post entries

3. The inmates are running the asylum

Now I am glad that workplaces acknowledge that real employees are too busy to take an active interest in counting stuff. But the fact that they give the gossipy-worthless staff a leadership role is downright insane. It's like if a city didn't have enough people to be cops so they let babies enforce the law. See a crazy person might hear this and say "Babies don't do anything worth a crap anyway so let's make them feel useful by giving them guns and the ability to pull me over whenever they are feeling cranky," but sadly the crazy person doesn't have to deal with unqualified and bratty children in a managerial position.

4. It's not real work, nor will it be treated as such

"In the land of the blind, the one eyed man is king" -Minority Report

It is absolutely ludicrous that I am the person commenting on the attitude and effectiveness of an inventory crew but crikey this is my Saturday we are pissing away. So when you decide to make a joke about what I'm doing this weekend (oh wait this is the weekend hahahaha) instead getting this inventory done, I have a problem with that. But then again why get out of work at a decent hour when you can spend 45 minutes with your work clique talking trash about current and former workers. "Do you know who used to really have me?" an inventory auditor asked instead of doing his job.... no I don't know who used to hate you, but I know who currently and forever will hate you: His name is ME and he is missing the farmers market because you don't have any friends in real like.

I'm only asking you to be an effective and efficient employee once a quarter for the Saturday inventory, come Monday you can go back to being a dillydallying douchnozzle.

5. THERE WILL BE DONUTS

You mean the company is going to spend 30 dollars so that we all can have a donut during breaktime? In that case I take back this entire blog post!