Just because it's British doesn't make you cultured

"Ugh I can't believe they are doing the office as an American show. It's gonna be awful."

-Me, 2004

I was an idiot in 2004. I am an idiot in 2011 but that is for other reasons than thinking I was a cool person for watching shows, movies and other crap that originated overseas. I illegally downloaded both seasons and the holiday special of the British Office and almost bought the DVD's on many occasions. I thought I was special for liking it because Joe Six Pack hadn't heard of it yet. I was not special, I was one of the first ten million to be exposed to a television program, and felt that I had to defend the show's honor in regards to the Am

erican version.

"You don't understand, if they take this classy show and dumb it down for the American Idiots (see that was an album in 2004) that watch 'Everyone Loves Raymond' it'll be a disaster. Those miscreants might as well go back in time and prevent the original show from ever happening. Remaking the show for an entirely different audience is that terrible!"

-Me in 2004

"First of all C-Minus from 7 years ago: Get a Life. You don't have any friends and that is a much higher priority then some silly show. Second: can you tell me why you like this show? No you can't, because you have not thought about why you like the show. This show is something obscure for you to champion which you feel you must do to make up for your lack of accomplishments."

-Me in 2010

I was not special because I liked the British Office. I was an a-hole because I was an a-hole. Let me try to tell you something I like for a moment.

"You should check out the show Community which is on at 8PM Thursday's on NBC. It is hilarious and actually scarily accurate to some of the stuff at a community college. Chevy Chase is in it but not enough so that he ruins it. You will want to start at the beginning of the season 1 though, do you want to borrow my DVDs? The rest I think you can see on Hulu or NBC.com. I know you are in to Big Bang Theory which is on at the same time but I think this show is special."

-Me now.

See what I did there. I didn't try to exclude you for not being aware of something. I concisely told you why I love something I love and then I gave you a very easy option to check it out. Community is on NBC so everyone wants to hate it, and it's not a remake so there is no original to try to defend...but if it was I think I'd be old enough to get over it and enjoy the show for what it is.

My favorite movie (this week) is "Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory" when they remade it I rolled my eyes and begrudgingly checked out. I was mature enough not to blow the rape whistle because my childhood was being molested by Tim Burton, my childhood is still available on video and I don't think the remake is gonna stick around in people's minds. Do I wish more original movies and TV shows were made? Probably, but if the absence of that it's not worth it to go crying wolf over some remake/adaptation that's going to bring about the apocalypse.

You can boil 90% of the idea's out there into coming of age stories, competitions, or revenge plots so if the idea is not a remake in name then it is ripping something off in spirit. The social network, I loved it. I love it even more when it was called Citizen Kane. And I'm not dropping Citizen Kane on you because I want you to think I'm classy. I live in my mother's basement and one time I blew my nose (reference deleted) into the same sheet of paper towel, so I think the classy boat has sailed. I'm telling you about Citizen Kane because it's awesome.

Here is a self-test I gave myself regarding telling you about new things and not sounding like a prick:

"Ok I got a old movie you should check out. You've heard of it, it's called Citizen Kane and it's in black and white, but its crazy and fast paced and has awesome editing. The main character is so like a bunch of people in the news today."

"Have you played Alpha Protocol? It got some bad reviews but it's really great. It's a streamlined Mass Effect style action RPG set in a spy movie. You can have sex with 4 women in the game if you do the dialogue options right. Would you like to borrow my copy for 360? I'm done with it but I don't want to sell it incase it becomes a collectors item."

"Did you hear that they are remaking Ocenia of Time for the 3DS? I don't know about paying 40 dollars for a 13 year old game, but I bet the original still holds up and it should be cool in 3D."

"YOU HAVEN'T SEEN THE MISFITS? WHAT KIND OF A JAGOFF ARE YOU?"

Alpha Protocol

If you don't play videogames, like real ones, there is nothing in this post for you. Move along.

Dear Sega (and to a lesser note reviewers and America as a whole),

Do you hate yourself? Do you like failing? This is like the fourth time you have f-Ed up a sure thing this console generations. People like you! They want you to succeed, but if you keep sabotaging yourself then not even the next sonic rehash will save you. By the way I'm not mad about sonic, even though he was my favorite at a child I now realize that the character has always been terrible. I'm also not mad at the marvel movie games you have been putting out, I'm sure the cost of the movie license cut into the development budget and I don't care because super hero games are terrible and movie games are terrible so I'm pleasantly surprised that a movie licensed super hero gamecase even had a game inside it.

No what I am mad about is "Alpha Protocol: the espionage rpg" I was very interested in this game when it was announced, but the interest waned when it was delayed a week before scheduled release and I saw that Sega was publishing it.

The reviews were mostly "forget this broken POS" which actually made me more interested because videogame reviewers are very different from people who enjoy videogames.

Through a combination of discounts I finally got it at a price worth the risk and I must say: Alpha Protocol is the most delightful game I have played this console generation. I'm not gonna say i think it's better, but 5 hours in I am enjoying it more than Mass Effect 1/2 or Fallout which are games of similar style and much greater critical/commercial success. The game has a lot of jank in it but every game has jank, especially the ones that are trying something new. I read a lot of reviewers complaining about the combat, well A.) it's not splinter cell and B.) Spec your character right.

A. It's not Splinter Cell. They came up with an idea, then they came up with a story and then they fit a game around it. I am a discerning videogame player and I made my peace with that an hour into the game. "The combat doesn't feel responsive" well it's not supposed to be Quake, I assume crud goes wrong in Spy movies and the occasional jank in the combat actually kind of fits. Is it all intentional? No, but there is still enjoyment to be had from a gameplay perspective. Here's something fun, go play a Metal Gear Solid game.... how'd that play? Like it's half broken? Well you gotta put up with it if you want to play the game.

B. Spec your character right. I am not the most hardcore videogame player, especially in RPG's. I've actually never finished a non-American made one (including Zelda or any Final Fantasy). But even I know that trying to make a balenced character is a fools errand, at least the first time around. Gameplay doesn't take in to account an entire character's soul before determining the outcome of a situation, it gives you a couple paths and you need to max out what you need to succeed. In most games that means I max out Speech and Intelligence as soon as possible so I can get the best options, in this game it means I maximise the assualt rifle stats as soon as possible to better work with the weak combat system. If you are lopsided enough in one area a game usually isn't smart enough to exploit your weaknesses. Kind of like with women if you are good enough at one thing they will easily look past your faults (there were links in that sentence but they were deemed too gross to exist upon a second read through)

So I'm not sure who to blame the overall failure of Alpha Protocol on; Sega, who wouldn't know what to do with a hit game if it had one. Reviewers, for just jumping on the bandwagon. Or you, for not seeing this diamond in the rough and buying enough copies so I would get a sequel.

This game was purchased with Fable 3 and DragonAge Origins in a buy 2 get 1 free sale, I am afraid that I won't like them so I haven't played them yet.