Fable 3: The Gamiest Game that Ever Gamed

The goal tonight is to tell you what I thought of this videogame without making it bitter about my life and having equal to or less than 3 rape jokes. Let's see how I do....

I completed the main quest in Fable 3 last Friday right before I took off on a very long road trip. It was one of the three games I purchased from the Best Buy B2G1 deal they were having a couple weeks ago. I tolerated Fable 1 and enjoyed Fable 2 so I was reasonably excited for the third one despite the iffy reviews it got upon release.

Before I get into the game, due to a pricing mistake or something the cheapest version of the game was the special edition. Normally I avoid these because they are filled with crap, but honestly this is the best packaging I have seen for a videogame. It comes with a kind of real looking Bible-esque case which contains the game and some bonus junk. Will I use any of it ever? Probably not, but its slick and well contained. Unlike that Halo Reach set which is in a pallet sized box for absolutely no reason.

To speak of the game I will be speaking of all 3 Fable games because not much has changed in the series. Fable 3 is Legend of Zelda's ADD British Brother. It is a dumbed down action RPG which substitutes being British for being clever. The story in the series is you aint nothin' then you become something, your actions reflect how you turn out as a character. In Fable 3 you are specifically the son/daughter of the person from Fable 2 and your evil brother kicks you out for being not evil. You then go on random quests enlisting the support of the 7 or so areas of the world. Once everyone has your back you then take back the kingdom from your brother and become the main dude/lady. These are the same beats that the first two games followed and eh... I guess it still works.

Fable 3's only new idea is that after you become King you have a "year" (5 days) to be either a good king or a bad king before you have a final battle to save the kingdom. And by good and bad I mean black and white. One of your decisions is whether or not to turn a orphanage into a whorehouse. I will let you cut through the layers of story to decipher which of these is the good and which is the bad option. The way you play the game even has less to do with anything than the first two games. The only thing it impacts is a couple of story line beats and how dirty your character looks.

The gameplay is serviceable, just as it has been in Fable 1 and 2. Three different types of attacks and no limits to ammo or magic... it gets monotonous and I believe the game designers knew this because your battles are very short. In fact there are probably less than 10 "levels" and the rest are just random encounters with a couple bad guys who teleport out of nowhere. You are normally just running around town buying property and performing variations on fetch quests. Property is your main source of earning money and eventually the only thing that determines whether you "win" the game or not. The game economy can totally be broken by just leaving the game running all night while your income stacks up.... and I'm kind of ok with that.

The game world seems very small and very disconnected by loading screens and unrelated landscapes. There is no over-world, you just warp to random villages scattered throughout the map of your kingdom. If GTA can give us New York City with few loading screens then a far less detailed fantasy setting should be doable without being so choppy.

There is co-op and one great improvement over Fable 3 is not having to share the screen. It was unforgivable in Fable 2 so I'm not sure if not making the same mistake twice is something to be commended.

The largest quirk in the game is the elimination of any menu/map system. All of this has been replaced by an over-world which you warp to by hitting the pause button. Each thing you would want to look at is in a separate room. I believe what the goal was with this is to make it seem more fluid, but it just makes it annoying and crappy like doing stuff in real life. If I want to change my clothes or weapons in real life I have to walk over to my dresser or trunk of my car, but I don't want the game to be like my real life because my real life has a lot of useless crap in it. It's a pretty big pain in the butt and almost kills the game, but those who are set on playing it will get over it.

I enjoyed Fable 2, it took a lot of things from Zelda that I liked and did them at a much faster pace with actual voice acting and pretty graphics. The characters and story were worthless but that made me imagine new story lines around all of the NPC's I murdered/impregnated with my video game seed. But then I played Fable 3 and it was Fable 2 with a weird makeup that I didn't like smeared over it. Everything that was added was at the expense of something I enjoyed in Fable 2. The King stuff came at the expense of any significant levels or boss battles. The awful non-menu came at the expense of something I could easily track my progress with.

But underneath the weird stuff there is the Fable foundation, I fast paced adventure game that lets you go crazy and not care about consequences, despite the games biggest selling point being that you have to deal with consequences (consequences=what your character looks like). If you enjoyed Fable 2 I would check this out if it was on sale, if you haven't played Fable 2 I would play that first/instead.

Alpha Protocol

If you don't play videogames, like real ones, there is nothing in this post for you. Move along.

Dear Sega (and to a lesser note reviewers and America as a whole),

Do you hate yourself? Do you like failing? This is like the fourth time you have f-Ed up a sure thing this console generations. People like you! They want you to succeed, but if you keep sabotaging yourself then not even the next sonic rehash will save you. By the way I'm not mad about sonic, even though he was my favorite at a child I now realize that the character has always been terrible. I'm also not mad at the marvel movie games you have been putting out, I'm sure the cost of the movie license cut into the development budget and I don't care because super hero games are terrible and movie games are terrible so I'm pleasantly surprised that a movie licensed super hero gamecase even had a game inside it.

No what I am mad about is "Alpha Protocol: the espionage rpg" I was very interested in this game when it was announced, but the interest waned when it was delayed a week before scheduled release and I saw that Sega was publishing it.

The reviews were mostly "forget this broken POS" which actually made me more interested because videogame reviewers are very different from people who enjoy videogames.

Through a combination of discounts I finally got it at a price worth the risk and I must say: Alpha Protocol is the most delightful game I have played this console generation. I'm not gonna say i think it's better, but 5 hours in I am enjoying it more than Mass Effect 1/2 or Fallout which are games of similar style and much greater critical/commercial success. The game has a lot of jank in it but every game has jank, especially the ones that are trying something new. I read a lot of reviewers complaining about the combat, well A.) it's not splinter cell and B.) Spec your character right.

A. It's not Splinter Cell. They came up with an idea, then they came up with a story and then they fit a game around it. I am a discerning videogame player and I made my peace with that an hour into the game. "The combat doesn't feel responsive" well it's not supposed to be Quake, I assume crud goes wrong in Spy movies and the occasional jank in the combat actually kind of fits. Is it all intentional? No, but there is still enjoyment to be had from a gameplay perspective. Here's something fun, go play a Metal Gear Solid game.... how'd that play? Like it's half broken? Well you gotta put up with it if you want to play the game.

B. Spec your character right. I am not the most hardcore videogame player, especially in RPG's. I've actually never finished a non-American made one (including Zelda or any Final Fantasy). But even I know that trying to make a balenced character is a fools errand, at least the first time around. Gameplay doesn't take in to account an entire character's soul before determining the outcome of a situation, it gives you a couple paths and you need to max out what you need to succeed. In most games that means I max out Speech and Intelligence as soon as possible so I can get the best options, in this game it means I maximise the assualt rifle stats as soon as possible to better work with the weak combat system. If you are lopsided enough in one area a game usually isn't smart enough to exploit your weaknesses. Kind of like with women if you are good enough at one thing they will easily look past your faults (there were links in that sentence but they were deemed too gross to exist upon a second read through)

So I'm not sure who to blame the overall failure of Alpha Protocol on; Sega, who wouldn't know what to do with a hit game if it had one. Reviewers, for just jumping on the bandwagon. Or you, for not seeing this diamond in the rough and buying enough copies so I would get a sequel.

This game was purchased with Fable 3 and DragonAge Origins in a buy 2 get 1 free sale, I am afraid that I won't like them so I haven't played them yet.

YOU'RE IN THE MOVIES was ahead of its time

Older post: 50 Cent Blood in the Sand was ahead of its time

I think I am the only person who knows the following 2 secrets about videogames:

1. Call of Duty sucks

2. You're in the Movies is the most innovative game of the past 10 years

I could make a seperate blog dedicated to secret #1, but I think my time would be better served talking about fact #2.

This is You're in the Movies

You can get it right now using our Amazon banner ad for under 20 dollars WITH camera. Some would say the included camera is a piece of junk, but I think the camera knows what it is: A TOY. It is a toy camera used to make YOU'RE IN THE MOVIES the best group game of this console generation. Better than Rock Band, better than Halo X, better than 50 Cent Blood in the Sand.

This is You're in the Movies

Now imagine if I had friends and wasn't too lazy to get my fat circa 2007 butt off the couch. You do a bunch of awful wii like activities and it takes those movements out of context and makes them into a crummy little movie trailer. Theres like 30 trailers in the game AND if you feel like risking your xbox freezing you can even make your own trailer. Imagine the joy on your friends faces when the wii like games they have been playing for a half hour is turned into a video that you can blackmail them with. I haven't done it yet but I plan on committing a significant portion of my Christmas vacation to making it happen.

You're in the Movies is a buggy and kind of bad game, but it is one of my favorites for a couple of reasons.

1. It knows what it is- When you boot up You're in the Movies you are greeted with awful cinematic. This isn't winking at the audience awful, it is ZARDOZ awful. Fully commited to just going for it from the opening menu to the insanely long load times, to the terrible implementation of the game mechanics. I believe the great poet Popeye once said "I am what I am" and You're in the Movies gameonifies that statement.

2. It will put a smile on your face- No matter whether you are playing or watching, old or young, C-Minus or not C-Minus; You're in the Movies will put you in a better mood. That's what games are supposed to be about.

3. The price was reduced to 20 dollars within a month of it being released- As a video nerd I was interested in You're in the Movies as soon as I heard it was coming out. I then looked at the MSRP of 80 dollars and said gave them the ol' Will Smith but then I went to the store a week later and everyone had come to their senses and sold the game/camera at a loss for 20 dollars. And 20 dollars is what the price stayed at for 3 years.

4. Girls will enjoy it- This is more of an assumption because it does not require any skill. I haven't had a chance to test out this theory because women are either afraid of me or I have successfully made them believe that I am too mature and nonmolestery for videogames.

5. By playing it you will realize that motion gaming is a gimmick and not waste 150 dollars on the Kinnect- except for SLEEPY CRICKET because he is totally going to purchase one so I can play it. KINNECT PRO TIP: you need 6-8" of clear space in front of your TV to properly use the Kinnect, so unless you live in a warehouse or are batman it will not work in your game room.