Fable 3: The Gamiest Game that Ever Gamed

The goal tonight is to tell you what I thought of this videogame without making it bitter about my life and having equal to or less than 3 rape jokes. Let's see how I do....

I completed the main quest in Fable 3 last Friday right before I took off on a very long road trip. It was one of the three games I purchased from the Best Buy B2G1 deal they were having a couple weeks ago. I tolerated Fable 1 and enjoyed Fable 2 so I was reasonably excited for the third one despite the iffy reviews it got upon release.

Before I get into the game, due to a pricing mistake or something the cheapest version of the game was the special edition. Normally I avoid these because they are filled with crap, but honestly this is the best packaging I have seen for a videogame. It comes with a kind of real looking Bible-esque case which contains the game and some bonus junk. Will I use any of it ever? Probably not, but its slick and well contained. Unlike that Halo Reach set which is in a pallet sized box for absolutely no reason.

To speak of the game I will be speaking of all 3 Fable games because not much has changed in the series. Fable 3 is Legend of Zelda's ADD British Brother. It is a dumbed down action RPG which substitutes being British for being clever. The story in the series is you aint nothin' then you become something, your actions reflect how you turn out as a character. In Fable 3 you are specifically the son/daughter of the person from Fable 2 and your evil brother kicks you out for being not evil. You then go on random quests enlisting the support of the 7 or so areas of the world. Once everyone has your back you then take back the kingdom from your brother and become the main dude/lady. These are the same beats that the first two games followed and eh... I guess it still works.

Fable 3's only new idea is that after you become King you have a "year" (5 days) to be either a good king or a bad king before you have a final battle to save the kingdom. And by good and bad I mean black and white. One of your decisions is whether or not to turn a orphanage into a whorehouse. I will let you cut through the layers of story to decipher which of these is the good and which is the bad option. The way you play the game even has less to do with anything than the first two games. The only thing it impacts is a couple of story line beats and how dirty your character looks.

The gameplay is serviceable, just as it has been in Fable 1 and 2. Three different types of attacks and no limits to ammo or magic... it gets monotonous and I believe the game designers knew this because your battles are very short. In fact there are probably less than 10 "levels" and the rest are just random encounters with a couple bad guys who teleport out of nowhere. You are normally just running around town buying property and performing variations on fetch quests. Property is your main source of earning money and eventually the only thing that determines whether you "win" the game or not. The game economy can totally be broken by just leaving the game running all night while your income stacks up.... and I'm kind of ok with that.

The game world seems very small and very disconnected by loading screens and unrelated landscapes. There is no over-world, you just warp to random villages scattered throughout the map of your kingdom. If GTA can give us New York City with few loading screens then a far less detailed fantasy setting should be doable without being so choppy.

There is co-op and one great improvement over Fable 3 is not having to share the screen. It was unforgivable in Fable 2 so I'm not sure if not making the same mistake twice is something to be commended.

The largest quirk in the game is the elimination of any menu/map system. All of this has been replaced by an over-world which you warp to by hitting the pause button. Each thing you would want to look at is in a separate room. I believe what the goal was with this is to make it seem more fluid, but it just makes it annoying and crappy like doing stuff in real life. If I want to change my clothes or weapons in real life I have to walk over to my dresser or trunk of my car, but I don't want the game to be like my real life because my real life has a lot of useless crap in it. It's a pretty big pain in the butt and almost kills the game, but those who are set on playing it will get over it.

I enjoyed Fable 2, it took a lot of things from Zelda that I liked and did them at a much faster pace with actual voice acting and pretty graphics. The characters and story were worthless but that made me imagine new story lines around all of the NPC's I murdered/impregnated with my video game seed. But then I played Fable 3 and it was Fable 2 with a weird makeup that I didn't like smeared over it. Everything that was added was at the expense of something I enjoyed in Fable 2. The King stuff came at the expense of any significant levels or boss battles. The awful non-menu came at the expense of something I could easily track my progress with.

But underneath the weird stuff there is the Fable foundation, I fast paced adventure game that lets you go crazy and not care about consequences, despite the games biggest selling point being that you have to deal with consequences (consequences=what your character looks like). If you enjoyed Fable 2 I would check this out if it was on sale, if you haven't played Fable 2 I would play that first/instead.

Just because it's British doesn't make you cultured

"Ugh I can't believe they are doing the office as an American show. It's gonna be awful."

-Me, 2004

I was an idiot in 2004. I am an idiot in 2011 but that is for other reasons than thinking I was a cool person for watching shows, movies and other crap that originated overseas. I illegally downloaded both seasons and the holiday special of the British Office and almost bought the DVD's on many occasions. I thought I was special for liking it because Joe Six Pack hadn't heard of it yet. I was not special, I was one of the first ten million to be exposed to a television program, and felt that I had to defend the show's honor in regards to the Am

erican version.

"You don't understand, if they take this classy show and dumb it down for the American Idiots (see that was an album in 2004) that watch 'Everyone Loves Raymond' it'll be a disaster. Those miscreants might as well go back in time and prevent the original show from ever happening. Remaking the show for an entirely different audience is that terrible!"

-Me in 2004

"First of all C-Minus from 7 years ago: Get a Life. You don't have any friends and that is a much higher priority then some silly show. Second: can you tell me why you like this show? No you can't, because you have not thought about why you like the show. This show is something obscure for you to champion which you feel you must do to make up for your lack of accomplishments."

-Me in 2010

I was not special because I liked the British Office. I was an a-hole because I was an a-hole. Let me try to tell you something I like for a moment.

"You should check out the show Community which is on at 8PM Thursday's on NBC. It is hilarious and actually scarily accurate to some of the stuff at a community college. Chevy Chase is in it but not enough so that he ruins it. You will want to start at the beginning of the season 1 though, do you want to borrow my DVDs? The rest I think you can see on Hulu or NBC.com. I know you are in to Big Bang Theory which is on at the same time but I think this show is special."

-Me now.

See what I did there. I didn't try to exclude you for not being aware of something. I concisely told you why I love something I love and then I gave you a very easy option to check it out. Community is on NBC so everyone wants to hate it, and it's not a remake so there is no original to try to defend...but if it was I think I'd be old enough to get over it and enjoy the show for what it is.

My favorite movie (this week) is "Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory" when they remade it I rolled my eyes and begrudgingly checked out. I was mature enough not to blow the rape whistle because my childhood was being molested by Tim Burton, my childhood is still available on video and I don't think the remake is gonna stick around in people's minds. Do I wish more original movies and TV shows were made? Probably, but if the absence of that it's not worth it to go crying wolf over some remake/adaptation that's going to bring about the apocalypse.

You can boil 90% of the idea's out there into coming of age stories, competitions, or revenge plots so if the idea is not a remake in name then it is ripping something off in spirit. The social network, I loved it. I love it even more when it was called Citizen Kane. And I'm not dropping Citizen Kane on you because I want you to think I'm classy. I live in my mother's basement and one time I blew my nose (reference deleted) into the same sheet of paper towel, so I think the classy boat has sailed. I'm telling you about Citizen Kane because it's awesome.

Here is a self-test I gave myself regarding telling you about new things and not sounding like a prick:

"Ok I got a old movie you should check out. You've heard of it, it's called Citizen Kane and it's in black and white, but its crazy and fast paced and has awesome editing. The main character is so like a bunch of people in the news today."

"Have you played Alpha Protocol? It got some bad reviews but it's really great. It's a streamlined Mass Effect style action RPG set in a spy movie. You can have sex with 4 women in the game if you do the dialogue options right. Would you like to borrow my copy for 360? I'm done with it but I don't want to sell it incase it becomes a collectors item."

"Did you hear that they are remaking Ocenia of Time for the 3DS? I don't know about paying 40 dollars for a 13 year old game, but I bet the original still holds up and it should be cool in 3D."

"YOU HAVEN'T SEEN THE MISFITS? WHAT KIND OF A JAGOFF ARE YOU?"

Alpha Protocol

If you don't play videogames, like real ones, there is nothing in this post for you. Move along.

Dear Sega (and to a lesser note reviewers and America as a whole),

Do you hate yourself? Do you like failing? This is like the fourth time you have f-Ed up a sure thing this console generations. People like you! They want you to succeed, but if you keep sabotaging yourself then not even the next sonic rehash will save you. By the way I'm not mad about sonic, even though he was my favorite at a child I now realize that the character has always been terrible. I'm also not mad at the marvel movie games you have been putting out, I'm sure the cost of the movie license cut into the development budget and I don't care because super hero games are terrible and movie games are terrible so I'm pleasantly surprised that a movie licensed super hero gamecase even had a game inside it.

No what I am mad about is "Alpha Protocol: the espionage rpg" I was very interested in this game when it was announced, but the interest waned when it was delayed a week before scheduled release and I saw that Sega was publishing it.

The reviews were mostly "forget this broken POS" which actually made me more interested because videogame reviewers are very different from people who enjoy videogames.

Through a combination of discounts I finally got it at a price worth the risk and I must say: Alpha Protocol is the most delightful game I have played this console generation. I'm not gonna say i think it's better, but 5 hours in I am enjoying it more than Mass Effect 1/2 or Fallout which are games of similar style and much greater critical/commercial success. The game has a lot of jank in it but every game has jank, especially the ones that are trying something new. I read a lot of reviewers complaining about the combat, well A.) it's not splinter cell and B.) Spec your character right.

A. It's not Splinter Cell. They came up with an idea, then they came up with a story and then they fit a game around it. I am a discerning videogame player and I made my peace with that an hour into the game. "The combat doesn't feel responsive" well it's not supposed to be Quake, I assume crud goes wrong in Spy movies and the occasional jank in the combat actually kind of fits. Is it all intentional? No, but there is still enjoyment to be had from a gameplay perspective. Here's something fun, go play a Metal Gear Solid game.... how'd that play? Like it's half broken? Well you gotta put up with it if you want to play the game.

B. Spec your character right. I am not the most hardcore videogame player, especially in RPG's. I've actually never finished a non-American made one (including Zelda or any Final Fantasy). But even I know that trying to make a balenced character is a fools errand, at least the first time around. Gameplay doesn't take in to account an entire character's soul before determining the outcome of a situation, it gives you a couple paths and you need to max out what you need to succeed. In most games that means I max out Speech and Intelligence as soon as possible so I can get the best options, in this game it means I maximise the assualt rifle stats as soon as possible to better work with the weak combat system. If you are lopsided enough in one area a game usually isn't smart enough to exploit your weaknesses. Kind of like with women if you are good enough at one thing they will easily look past your faults (there were links in that sentence but they were deemed too gross to exist upon a second read through)

So I'm not sure who to blame the overall failure of Alpha Protocol on; Sega, who wouldn't know what to do with a hit game if it had one. Reviewers, for just jumping on the bandwagon. Or you, for not seeing this diamond in the rough and buying enough copies so I would get a sequel.

This game was purchased with Fable 3 and DragonAge Origins in a buy 2 get 1 free sale, I am afraid that I won't like them so I haven't played them yet.

The SEGA DREAMCAST was ahead of its time

This post is very nerdy. Not in a Big Bang Theory "Aspergers are so cute" kind of way. But a "who the f cares about some stupid videogame system Charlie? It's posts like this that remind me why you are 27 years old and still living in your mother's basement. Another unrelated perception is that you seem to prowl for women at church events which makes me uncomfortable. I'm going to ignore you from now on and focus my attention on escapist entertainment like awful sitcoms where nerds ignore basic human functions for seasons at a time just to keep the forced star wars and physics jokes coming."-kind of way. Feel free to not read, this blog post will not be on the test.

Many believe that theSega Dreamcast was the final hardware failure from Sega before they came to their senses and became a software publisher for all game platforms. I think that is more accurate to say that the video game industry failed Sega and now they get this mutated half-beast joke of a video game publisher as a resort. Almost anything you enjoy about modern video game consoles and software was pioneered by Sega and mostly ignored by you. Since only 1 person is going to read beyond the title of this blog post I will get onto my reasons why

we as a human race failed the good people at Sega and are doomed to see everything we once loved be destroyed, Sega produced or otherwise.

1. We were too attached to the Electronic Arts of 1999.

I am completely with you that in 1999 Electronic Arts ran this industry on the strength of Madden alone. And the fact that they decided not to make their games for the Dreamcast was probably the killing strike towards

the system in terms of mainstream audiences. I am not a sports guy, but the SPORTS! 2K series was produced to fill the void and it did so fantastically. Most sports people rated them at least comparably to EA's stuff and many said they were a hell of a lot better. I'm sure telling a sports person to change games is like trying to get a junkie to service some other part of the body for drug money, but the switch was worth it. Especially worth it in the first year of the Dreamcast where the other options were on PS1/N64 and looked like ColecoVision by comparison.

If you are still reading, Mom, please take a moment to find your Playstation 1 and play a game... any game in it. How's that 320x240 resolution look? Unwatchable. Now come to my room and play the Dreamcast for a moment. Still looks pretty good right? Bringing me to my next point.

2. We had learned to love the terrible graphics on PS1/N64 games

I don't know if we were still thrilled to be playing 3D games, but the frame rate, resolution and blurriness of 99% of PS1/N64 games was inexcusable. If I were a game designer I would think that if I couldn't do something on a specific piece of hardware I wouldn't try... but that is sadly not the case. So when the Dreamcast came out and had the same types of games, only this time pretty to look at with decent frame rates, Joe America would say that he already had a pixelly version of that game and dismiss the system entirely.

I will concede that a lot of Dreamcast games were merely uprezed ports of PS1 games, but they were always the absolute best versions. Today every game that sells more than a dozen units has an ULTIMATE COLLECTORS EDITION. Well I consider every Dreamcast game to be the ONLY PLAYABLE VERSION, because it is actually a better version of the game most of my friends were playing.

3. Playstation 2 might come out sometime in the near future

I watch TV, and if you were to turn it on from the years of 1998 to pre9/11 the news would probably be talking about how awesome the PS2 is going to be/is. On top of that you had the DVD factor which I didn't even think would be as much of a thing as it was. But its annoying how every single conversation about the Dreamcast had to begin and end with PS2.

"Well it won't be out for a year or one store shelves for 2 years but the PS2 is going to totally blow the Dreamcast out of the water. Anyway I heard Crazy Taxi was pretty fun. PS2 is definitely going to be the thing that gets me a girlfriend, good grades and a free ride through life. Alright man see you on the bus, how many people have called you gay today? Only 7? That's an improvement."

-Paraphrasing every conversation my friends and I would have in high school

4. No one cares about arcade games

Ok here is one where Sega legitimately was on the wrong. They are an arcade company, so they have a lot of product that is based on people putting quarters in a machine. About this time arcades became irrelevant and the software for them didn't sell the Dreamcast like it sold the Genesis and that dozen Saturn systems that sold from the Grand Rapids KB Toys. Crazy Taxi is awesome but it was a tough value proposition of that game being 15 minutes of fun at a time compared with the 70 hours of depressing Final Fantasy for the same price.

That being said, if Sega gets their head out of their butt, they could use the casual game trend to make every dollar but making their arcade stuff easily available on iPhones and the like.

5. The Internet was a mythical beast in 1999

In 1999 no one knew what the Internet was. AOL was a legitimate thing to pay 21.99 a month for dial up access and people would sign multiple year commitments to an ISP for a cheap computer... actually that trend has just moved on to cellphones. The Sega Dreamcast could browse the Internet and a year in, play games over the included 56K modem. Yes 56K sucks but it was playable, Sega actually had decent networking in the games I tried and I didn't encounter too much lag despite using WebTV for dialup access. By the time online play/SegaNet kicked off the PS2 was out and the Dreamcast pretty much admitted defeat, but it is rarely acknowledged as the thing that really kicked off the whole console online gaming thing.

But back in 1999 I assume the general public were mainly using the Internet to keep their GeoCities updated while looking for nude codes for Tomb Raider (another game that looked much better on Dreamcast [although the ones that came out for it were terrible]).

So those are the 5 reasons I believe that we as a people failed the Dreamcast. I think in a couple years from now this will be clearly stated as humanity's greatest mistake. The destruction of the environment and various genocides that have taken place over the years will pale into comparison to the fact that we did not throw enough money at a mismanaged company's video game device.

Our grandchildren will be paying the cost of our video game purchasing transgressions.