Watching Spartacus makes me feel like a man

Watching episode 3 of Sparticus via Netflix streaming. I initially clicked on it because the box cover was all like GRRRRR! and I was all like "why's Kevin Federline so clean and angry?" After 2 episodes of Spartacus I have found there are many reasons why Kevin Federline is angry and the show is built around him working out that anger.

There are things notable about the Spartacus television series and I would like to share my 3 episodes of experience with you.

1. Spartacus has the worst special effects that I have ever seen in a professional media production.

I can tell that the producers of Spartacus were challenged with producing 13 episodes of 300 with the budget of 13 episodes of Sesame Street. Instead of playing to the low budget strengths with clever editing and scripting around budget constraints, Spartacus does a bunch of CGI stuff but just stops rendering when the VFX checks start to bounce.

The sky looks like a water color painting and the characters have terrible green screen artifacts around them. Certain spots look like someone's playing a game of You're in the Movies.

2. Spartacus is naked. So are his friends and enemies. So are the characters he has yet to meet.

Try as I might I have yet to see the member of Spartacus, every other inch of his body is permanently imprinted in my mind. As for the rest of the cast, yeah hung or not hung they are on display in about half of the scenes they are in. In my analysis of Love and Other Drugs, I mentioned that every time Anne Hathaway acted she had to show a boob. In Spartacus every line of dialogue must be matched with a close up of the characters frank and beans. Any nonverbal action a character has must be paired with a butt shot.

3. Spartacus is visceral.

Visceral: Having to do with the response of the body as opposed to the intellect, as in the distinction between feeling and thinking.

If I was a wild animal I probably wouldn't make it through a complete episode of of Spartacus without dying of some combination violence and some more basic animal need. Probably 75% of the 3 episodes are either fighting or lovemaking with a equal amount of screaming in each. The pairings do not discriminate among genders, which makes me wonder if this show is produced to help GLAAD or to spite it.

Despite the accents (which range from meh to terrible) and the iambic pentameter, there is no plot to Spartacus aside from revenge and hostility. If you can follow the the drama and subtext of a dogfight then you will have no problems keeping up with Spartacus. If anyone says they are watching this show for something other than the dirty stuff then I would advise you to not believe their lies and report them to the nearest authority.

4. Xena Warrior Princess is in this

She is getting older but it's good to see her working again.

5. They seriously just did the screen split trick to make a bunch more trumpet players.

SLEEPY CRICKET did you make this? Seriously you need to tell me if this is something you shot with your digital camera.

I have a secret, you have to promise not to tell anyone

I'm serious, you can't tell anyone. It's gonna be a bunch of drama if anyone else finds out. Ok so I've been wanting to tell someone this for a while now. My secret is that Leonardo DiCaprio is a terrible actor. Yes I know it's crazy, but you have to believe me. I seen him act. With my own eyes. He is the absolute worst actor who has ever seriously thought they could act. I have proof. Look at the evidence before you disbelieve me:

1. Leonardo DiCaprio is a terrible actor because he looks like the 13th most popular dude at a small town high school:

Not the one that is popular because of his looks talent or dad owning a dealership, but the one who is popular because he is an ahole towards the non privileged for the 1-12 most popular dudes enjoyment. The one who practiced his stare in the mirror and took any and all opportunities to go shirtless, showing off the frame of a prepubescent boy.

Oh I remember how you ladies used to talk about the Allegan county equivelent to you Leo: "You know he may only be the 13th most popular dude at our small town high school but with his shirt off he looks like an anime character. And I saw this one anime with tentacle penetration. And by this one anime I mean EVERY ANIME."

2. I can hear Leonardo thinking every time he is on screen:

And it goes a little something like this:

"Oh look at me I'm Leonardo DiCaprio! Oh shoot what movie is this one? Oh they want me to be serious right now. I'm gonna glare at this dude. Step 1 Leo remember to furrow your brow. Think back to the day "Growing Pains" got canceled just a year after they brought you in for comic relief. Pretty sad. Thata boy Leo you are doing great! Oh shoot much lower paid character actors are acting at me... what am I gonna do? I'm gonna scream and pretend I'm in an entirely different movie they are, that will get the Academy to notice me! Oh Marty Scorsesse will be so proud of me. So proud. Hollywood might even throw me another Victoria's Secret girl if I do good. Ok for the rest of this scene I'll just do the same stuff I've been doing every move since "Gilbert Grape" and mentally repeat I THINK I CAN I THINK I CAN I THINK I CAN I THINK I CAN."

3. He is the only actor that gets cast in real (well funded movies), and he pisses all over each and everyone of them:

Adult movies don't get made any more, at least not at any reasonable budget. What gets made are products and franchises. I like products/franchises but when the last 2 rationale adults in Hollywood put some monies together on a decent looking film without a happy meal tie in, who do they bring in to ruin it? Leonardo DiCaprio. I get it... he appeals to everyone or something, but so does Dwayne the Rock Johnson and I would buy him as J. Edgar Hoover a heck of a lot quicker than that prick from the DEPAWRTRED (did I get Leo's Boston accent right? I hope so, I probably spent more time spelling it than he did practicing it).

Ok I'm done, this secret I have told you probably qualifies me as unAmerican or something. I hope whatever pictures this douche has of the 7 Scientologists that control Hollywood are dirty enough to warrant him ruining every decent looking movie released for the past/next 10 years.