Watching Spartacus makes me feel like a man

Watching episode 3 of Sparticus via Netflix streaming. I initially clicked on it because the box cover was all like GRRRRR! and I was all like "why's Kevin Federline so clean and angry?" After 2 episodes of Spartacus I have found there are many reasons why Kevin Federline is angry and the show is built around him working out that anger.

There are things notable about the Spartacus television series and I would like to share my 3 episodes of experience with you.

1. Spartacus has the worst special effects that I have ever seen in a professional media production.

I can tell that the producers of Spartacus were challenged with producing 13 episodes of 300 with the budget of 13 episodes of Sesame Street. Instead of playing to the low budget strengths with clever editing and scripting around budget constraints, Spartacus does a bunch of CGI stuff but just stops rendering when the VFX checks start to bounce.

The sky looks like a water color painting and the characters have terrible green screen artifacts around them. Certain spots look like someone's playing a game of You're in the Movies.

2. Spartacus is naked. So are his friends and enemies. So are the characters he has yet to meet.

Try as I might I have yet to see the member of Spartacus, every other inch of his body is permanently imprinted in my mind. As for the rest of the cast, yeah hung or not hung they are on display in about half of the scenes they are in. In my analysis of Love and Other Drugs, I mentioned that every time Anne Hathaway acted she had to show a boob. In Spartacus every line of dialogue must be matched with a close up of the characters frank and beans. Any nonverbal action a character has must be paired with a butt shot.

3. Spartacus is visceral.

Visceral: Having to do with the response of the body as opposed to the intellect, as in the distinction between feeling and thinking.

If I was a wild animal I probably wouldn't make it through a complete episode of of Spartacus without dying of some combination violence and some more basic animal need. Probably 75% of the 3 episodes are either fighting or lovemaking with a equal amount of screaming in each. The pairings do not discriminate among genders, which makes me wonder if this show is produced to help GLAAD or to spite it.

Despite the accents (which range from meh to terrible) and the iambic pentameter, there is no plot to Spartacus aside from revenge and hostility. If you can follow the the drama and subtext of a dogfight then you will have no problems keeping up with Spartacus. If anyone says they are watching this show for something other than the dirty stuff then I would advise you to not believe their lies and report them to the nearest authority.

4. Xena Warrior Princess is in this

She is getting older but it's good to see her working again.

5. They seriously just did the screen split trick to make a bunch more trumpet players.

SLEEPY CRICKET did you make this? Seriously you need to tell me if this is something you shot with your digital camera.

Here is a great idea turned into a very rushed script

Script: Dateable (rough draft)

Will I ever do this? It's not looking likely so I will allow you to read a very rushed version of "Dateable" that costar and I wrote after seeing Tron 2 over Christmas break. I have had this idea in my head forever. It was originally a rejected part of the untitled movie project that I will no longer be bitter about. It's funny because the one sentence description of a Dateable is better than anything in the untitled movie script.

This would be 5-8 minutes long and I was going to do it as kind of a anthology or whatever with 2 other ideas bouncing back and forth. An idea to go with it would be "girl scent for men" which is a spray that gives the faint impression that you may have been hanging out with a really nice girl recently. The scent would be used in many situations, like making someone you are into think you are seeing other women. Or making a party seem like there might be girls there so the only girls that show up don't feel like its a dude party. Or if you are a girl you could use it to cover up the scent of hanging out with a guy or something. The ideas are endless.

So we have that and we also had the gem of an idea called the "blanket snorkel" which is a blanket with a breathing apparatus under it which would let fresh air in while also keeping your whole body warm under the blanket. Good for cold rooms and dutch oven protection.

Each of the products would have a stupid little relationship drama folded around them. I thought it would be fun to have the "blanket snorkel" take place entirely under the covers of a bed and filmed with the nightvision feature on my camera. There would be different ways to work in product descriptions such as the infomercial/training video that is playing during the dateable thing.

I got the idea for Dateable the product after buying a lunchable and talking with one of the workwives about the romantic possibilities of the lazy lunch option. I believe I sketched her a very detailed diagram but I believe she threw it out as she threw out all memories of us and our workplace when she was accepted into the promised land (a job with very good pay, benefits and respect without the sexual harassment [I didn't think they existed in Michigan either]).

Maybe a month or two from now you will see a refined video version of this script. You could be all like "Aww man I could have been a part of this/Aww man I could have stopped this." But you didn't and so now you will just have to sit there with the other 12 viewers wishing you would have did something.

Ok the laptop is starting to feel like its 20 feet away from me as I type this which means I'm either getting tired, sick or the salvia I just dropped is kicking in.

Oh and I got my stitches out today. The scar makes my back look like a treasure map. AND THE TREASURE IS PUSS!

Notable stuff in "Love and Other Drugs"

Finally saw the recent flop "Love and Other Drugs" this evening and I thought I would post some thoughts about it on this forgotten about flop of a blog. Before I get started though, has anyone had received any proof of life on SLEEPY CRICKET recently? I'm looking for something more real than a facebook update or txt message... maybe something like a blog post?

5 Notable things about "Love and Other Drugs"

Everytime Anne Hathaway acts, she has to show a boob. I'm going to assume it is not acting for a woman to act like she is attracted to Jake Gylenhal. I don't actually think I would be acting if I pretended to be attracted to Jake Gylenhal, because it wouldn't be pretending. But in the movie Anne Hathaway has an illness that rears its head whenever it is neccessary to move the movie forward or hold it back. In those scenes there is crying or screaming or shaking body parts. But for each scene that is sent for consideration for an academy award, the movie gives us a scene of equivelent length of Anne Hathaway's boob doing something. When her character is just doing one thing like trying to open a medicine bottle, we will just be treated to one boob. But if she is doing two things like making a joke and acting coy, we will soon be exposed to both boobs.

"Love and Other Drugs"= 40% Anne Hathaway Acting+ 40% Anne Hathaway Boobs+ 20% Jake Gylenhal trying to learn how to act or see boobs.

"Love and Other Drugs" is every single movie. What kind of movie do you want to see tonight? Well before you answer "Love and Other Drugs" will try to be that movie for 15 minutes before giving up and moving on to the next genre.

The following things happen in the movie:

Cocky guy becomes responsible (Coming of age story)

Scientist play God and try to create a hybrid animal (SPLICE)

Fat actor says things loudly (Jack Black movie)

Overly long sex scenes (The Room)

Cocky guy tries to start a real relationship with manic pixie dream girl (Garden State)

Cocky guy tries to sell stuff or win something (competitive movie)

Girl is sick (Love story)

Bitter Doctor keeps it real (that one... every episode of house)

Serial killer puts people in traps that test their willingness to live (Saw 1-8)

Dinosaurs cloned through bugs caught in tree sap (Jurrassic Park)

And that is far from all that "Love and Other Drugs" tries to be.

"Love and Other Drugs" has viagra jokes. See it's funny because the drug affects your penis (unless you are a woman, then it has no affect on your penis).

"Love and Other Drugs" almost made me lose my wallet. I feel like movie seats are made so that crap falls on the ground.

"Love and Other Drugs" has a twist ending. Turns out she was already dead and he was talking to her ghost the entire time.

Despite its many flaws its a watchable but totally misguided movie. I also pray that the character playing the fat brother character never acts again.

The SEGA DREAMCAST was ahead of its time

This post is very nerdy. Not in a Big Bang Theory "Aspergers are so cute" kind of way. But a "who the f cares about some stupid videogame system Charlie? It's posts like this that remind me why you are 27 years old and still living in your mother's basement. Another unrelated perception is that you seem to prowl for women at church events which makes me uncomfortable. I'm going to ignore you from now on and focus my attention on escapist entertainment like awful sitcoms where nerds ignore basic human functions for seasons at a time just to keep the forced star wars and physics jokes coming."-kind of way. Feel free to not read, this blog post will not be on the test.

Many believe that theSega Dreamcast was the final hardware failure from Sega before they came to their senses and became a software publisher for all game platforms. I think that is more accurate to say that the video game industry failed Sega and now they get this mutated half-beast joke of a video game publisher as a resort. Almost anything you enjoy about modern video game consoles and software was pioneered by Sega and mostly ignored by you. Since only 1 person is going to read beyond the title of this blog post I will get onto my reasons why

we as a human race failed the good people at Sega and are doomed to see everything we once loved be destroyed, Sega produced or otherwise.

1. We were too attached to the Electronic Arts of 1999.

I am completely with you that in 1999 Electronic Arts ran this industry on the strength of Madden alone. And the fact that they decided not to make their games for the Dreamcast was probably the killing strike towards

the system in terms of mainstream audiences. I am not a sports guy, but the SPORTS! 2K series was produced to fill the void and it did so fantastically. Most sports people rated them at least comparably to EA's stuff and many said they were a hell of a lot better. I'm sure telling a sports person to change games is like trying to get a junkie to service some other part of the body for drug money, but the switch was worth it. Especially worth it in the first year of the Dreamcast where the other options were on PS1/N64 and looked like ColecoVision by comparison.

If you are still reading, Mom, please take a moment to find your Playstation 1 and play a game... any game in it. How's that 320x240 resolution look? Unwatchable. Now come to my room and play the Dreamcast for a moment. Still looks pretty good right? Bringing me to my next point.

2. We had learned to love the terrible graphics on PS1/N64 games

I don't know if we were still thrilled to be playing 3D games, but the frame rate, resolution and blurriness of 99% of PS1/N64 games was inexcusable. If I were a game designer I would think that if I couldn't do something on a specific piece of hardware I wouldn't try... but that is sadly not the case. So when the Dreamcast came out and had the same types of games, only this time pretty to look at with decent frame rates, Joe America would say that he already had a pixelly version of that game and dismiss the system entirely.

I will concede that a lot of Dreamcast games were merely uprezed ports of PS1 games, but they were always the absolute best versions. Today every game that sells more than a dozen units has an ULTIMATE COLLECTORS EDITION. Well I consider every Dreamcast game to be the ONLY PLAYABLE VERSION, because it is actually a better version of the game most of my friends were playing.

3. Playstation 2 might come out sometime in the near future

I watch TV, and if you were to turn it on from the years of 1998 to pre9/11 the news would probably be talking about how awesome the PS2 is going to be/is. On top of that you had the DVD factor which I didn't even think would be as much of a thing as it was. But its annoying how every single conversation about the Dreamcast had to begin and end with PS2.

"Well it won't be out for a year or one store shelves for 2 years but the PS2 is going to totally blow the Dreamcast out of the water. Anyway I heard Crazy Taxi was pretty fun. PS2 is definitely going to be the thing that gets me a girlfriend, good grades and a free ride through life. Alright man see you on the bus, how many people have called you gay today? Only 7? That's an improvement."

-Paraphrasing every conversation my friends and I would have in high school

4. No one cares about arcade games

Ok here is one where Sega legitimately was on the wrong. They are an arcade company, so they have a lot of product that is based on people putting quarters in a machine. About this time arcades became irrelevant and the software for them didn't sell the Dreamcast like it sold the Genesis and that dozen Saturn systems that sold from the Grand Rapids KB Toys. Crazy Taxi is awesome but it was a tough value proposition of that game being 15 minutes of fun at a time compared with the 70 hours of depressing Final Fantasy for the same price.

That being said, if Sega gets their head out of their butt, they could use the casual game trend to make every dollar but making their arcade stuff easily available on iPhones and the like.

5. The Internet was a mythical beast in 1999

In 1999 no one knew what the Internet was. AOL was a legitimate thing to pay 21.99 a month for dial up access and people would sign multiple year commitments to an ISP for a cheap computer... actually that trend has just moved on to cellphones. The Sega Dreamcast could browse the Internet and a year in, play games over the included 56K modem. Yes 56K sucks but it was playable, Sega actually had decent networking in the games I tried and I didn't encounter too much lag despite using WebTV for dialup access. By the time online play/SegaNet kicked off the PS2 was out and the Dreamcast pretty much admitted defeat, but it is rarely acknowledged as the thing that really kicked off the whole console online gaming thing.

But back in 1999 I assume the general public were mainly using the Internet to keep their GeoCities updated while looking for nude codes for Tomb Raider (another game that looked much better on Dreamcast [although the ones that came out for it were terrible]).

So those are the 5 reasons I believe that we as a people failed the Dreamcast. I think in a couple years from now this will be clearly stated as humanity's greatest mistake. The destruction of the environment and various genocides that have taken place over the years will pale into comparison to the fact that we did not throw enough money at a mismanaged company's video game device.

Our grandchildren will be paying the cost of our video game purchasing transgressions.

YOU'RE IN THE MOVIES was ahead of its time

Older post: 50 Cent Blood in the Sand was ahead of its time

I think I am the only person who knows the following 2 secrets about videogames:

1. Call of Duty sucks

2. You're in the Movies is the most innovative game of the past 10 years

I could make a seperate blog dedicated to secret #1, but I think my time would be better served talking about fact #2.

This is You're in the Movies

You can get it right now using our Amazon banner ad for under 20 dollars WITH camera. Some would say the included camera is a piece of junk, but I think the camera knows what it is: A TOY. It is a toy camera used to make YOU'RE IN THE MOVIES the best group game of this console generation. Better than Rock Band, better than Halo X, better than 50 Cent Blood in the Sand.

This is You're in the Movies

Now imagine if I had friends and wasn't too lazy to get my fat circa 2007 butt off the couch. You do a bunch of awful wii like activities and it takes those movements out of context and makes them into a crummy little movie trailer. Theres like 30 trailers in the game AND if you feel like risking your xbox freezing you can even make your own trailer. Imagine the joy on your friends faces when the wii like games they have been playing for a half hour is turned into a video that you can blackmail them with. I haven't done it yet but I plan on committing a significant portion of my Christmas vacation to making it happen.

You're in the Movies is a buggy and kind of bad game, but it is one of my favorites for a couple of reasons.

1. It knows what it is- When you boot up You're in the Movies you are greeted with awful cinematic. This isn't winking at the audience awful, it is ZARDOZ awful. Fully commited to just going for it from the opening menu to the insanely long load times, to the terrible implementation of the game mechanics. I believe the great poet Popeye once said "I am what I am" and You're in the Movies gameonifies that statement.

2. It will put a smile on your face- No matter whether you are playing or watching, old or young, C-Minus or not C-Minus; You're in the Movies will put you in a better mood. That's what games are supposed to be about.

3. The price was reduced to 20 dollars within a month of it being released- As a video nerd I was interested in You're in the Movies as soon as I heard it was coming out. I then looked at the MSRP of 80 dollars and said gave them the ol' Will Smith but then I went to the store a week later and everyone had come to their senses and sold the game/camera at a loss for 20 dollars. And 20 dollars is what the price stayed at for 3 years.

4. Girls will enjoy it- This is more of an assumption because it does not require any skill. I haven't had a chance to test out this theory because women are either afraid of me or I have successfully made them believe that I am too mature and nonmolestery for videogames.

5. By playing it you will realize that motion gaming is a gimmick and not waste 150 dollars on the Kinnect- except for SLEEPY CRICKET because he is totally going to purchase one so I can play it. KINNECT PRO TIP: you need 6-8" of clear space in front of your TV to properly use the Kinnect, so unless you live in a warehouse or are batman it will not work in your game room.