1. I SOME HOW HAVE A VESTED INTEREST IN THIS THING.
You are not just seeing her, you are seeing me. But not really beause I could smell your ass coming from a mile away and I was like NOPE, even though you didn't ask. Or have ever spoken to me. Ever. BUT I FOUND YOUR CONTACT INFO! And I'm telling you if you mess with her you are messing with me. What's her name again? Yeah that's it. I'm watching you. One wrong move and I'll be on you like male nudity on SPARTACUS. And I have the power to end this thing, or change it so its more entertaining.. you know for me and the other viewers at home. My opinions are important because I once saw you and her before you you-and-her.
2. ARE YOU GUYS FIGHTING? YOU CAN TELL ME!
What's wrong. What is it? What are you guys doing? I won't tell anyone. Fine ya fruit, let me imagine what is wrong and give you advice to solve the problem I just made up. You should get her nice pajamas. And cupcakes. And a car. And the 3rd Glee soundtrack. I thought we was in this together? How can I observe your relationship from the sidelines if you don't tell me what's going on and immediately follow my advice. I promise I won't tell her (as phone is flipped open in the middle of a text that starts "you won't believe what your man said about you _________), and I certainly won't tell anyone else (text is also addressed to her entire phone book).
3. YOU TWO ARE BORING, I DON'T LIKE IT ANYMORE. YOU SHOULD END IT FOR ME.
UGH I'm sick of this. You don't talk to me, and you don't give a rip what I tell you to do for her. You won't even go on a double with me while my man is away hunting this weekend.... I think you should try something else. I don't like this anymore. I liked you better when you were trying and failing. Maybe you should go back to that, you were really good at it. And by good I mean funny.
WHAT ARE YOU GETTING HER FOR VD DAY? OH GROSS, YOU SHOULD RETURN IT AND GET HER SOME YOGA GIFT CARDS.
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