The EE Famous People/Movie Awards 2010

Welcome everyone to the Expedited Emotions Famous People Awards. We at the awards have viewed every single piece of media created in 2010 and would like to reward those who have been exceptional in their work. Without further delay let's hand out some well deserved awards.

Best Visual Effects- Splice

Many movies in 2010 had bigger budgets, but Splice had the biggest balls and showed it in it's depiction of Dren. Where as a lesser movie would have accomplished the human alien hybrid though CGI, Splice actually asked an actress to cover her normal bits with makeup and her naughty bits with nothing. Is bad makeup and gratuitous nudity a special effect? Yes, it is the most special effect on earth.

Best Direction- Splice

Many would highlight David Fincher for his technical mastery in The Social Network or Darren Aronosfky for the depths he pushed Natalie Portman in Black Swan. For the Expedited Emotions Famous People Awards we took a look at what the director had to deal with. Some directors direct actors, some direct animals; but only ... the guy who directed Splice directed Human/Animal Hybrids. On top of that he had to tell Adrien Brody and that one girl how to act like the dumbest scientists in the world. With all of those variables the fact that Splice has a beginning middle and end is nothing short of a miracle and we would be the second dumbest scientists in the world if we gave the award to any other movie.

Best Screenplay- Splice

At first the thing is like part of an animal and one of the scientists. Then its a otter looking thing. Then it's a little girl baby thing. Then its a naked woman thing that gives male members of the audience inverted boners when they think about the sexual acts which will no doubt be taking place at all of the convenient act breaks. And then it turns into a murderous man thing that wants to be "in....side....you." How can we give this award to anyone else? This doesn't even take into account the hastily thrown in subplot of the female scientists mommy issues.

Best use of 3D- Splice

The best use of 3D is the non-use of 3D, and in this regard Splice is the only non-3D movie released in 2010 so it is the obvious winner.

Most deserving of a direct to DVD sequel that I will see on Netflix streaming one day and get super pumped about- Splice

Oh man, I promise you Splice 2 will come out in the next couple of years. Anyone who would potentially have to be paid a lot has been killed off, and there is always Splicey looking models looking to break into acting on the cheap. If Splice 2 is not made in the next 2 years then I will produce, write, direct and star in it myself.

Thanks to all of the nominees this year. Despite films being worth less and less in the audiences minds each day, what you do is important and we hope you keep pushing the boundries of good taste and naked alien looking things.

Notable stuff in "Love and Other Drugs"

Finally saw the recent flop "Love and Other Drugs" this evening and I thought I would post some thoughts about it on this forgotten about flop of a blog. Before I get started though, has anyone had received any proof of life on SLEEPY CRICKET recently? I'm looking for something more real than a facebook update or txt message... maybe something like a blog post?

5 Notable things about "Love and Other Drugs"

Everytime Anne Hathaway acts, she has to show a boob. I'm going to assume it is not acting for a woman to act like she is attracted to Jake Gylenhal. I don't actually think I would be acting if I pretended to be attracted to Jake Gylenhal, because it wouldn't be pretending. But in the movie Anne Hathaway has an illness that rears its head whenever it is neccessary to move the movie forward or hold it back. In those scenes there is crying or screaming or shaking body parts. But for each scene that is sent for consideration for an academy award, the movie gives us a scene of equivelent length of Anne Hathaway's boob doing something. When her character is just doing one thing like trying to open a medicine bottle, we will just be treated to one boob. But if she is doing two things like making a joke and acting coy, we will soon be exposed to both boobs.

"Love and Other Drugs"= 40% Anne Hathaway Acting+ 40% Anne Hathaway Boobs+ 20% Jake Gylenhal trying to learn how to act or see boobs.

"Love and Other Drugs" is every single movie. What kind of movie do you want to see tonight? Well before you answer "Love and Other Drugs" will try to be that movie for 15 minutes before giving up and moving on to the next genre.

The following things happen in the movie:

Cocky guy becomes responsible (Coming of age story)

Scientist play God and try to create a hybrid animal (SPLICE)

Fat actor says things loudly (Jack Black movie)

Overly long sex scenes (The Room)

Cocky guy tries to start a real relationship with manic pixie dream girl (Garden State)

Cocky guy tries to sell stuff or win something (competitive movie)

Girl is sick (Love story)

Bitter Doctor keeps it real (that one... every episode of house)

Serial killer puts people in traps that test their willingness to live (Saw 1-8)

Dinosaurs cloned through bugs caught in tree sap (Jurrassic Park)

And that is far from all that "Love and Other Drugs" tries to be.

"Love and Other Drugs" has viagra jokes. See it's funny because the drug affects your penis (unless you are a woman, then it has no affect on your penis).

"Love and Other Drugs" almost made me lose my wallet. I feel like movie seats are made so that crap falls on the ground.

"Love and Other Drugs" has a twist ending. Turns out she was already dead and he was talking to her ghost the entire time.

Despite its many flaws its a watchable but totally misguided movie. I also pray that the character playing the fat brother character never acts again.

EE Video Game Awards 2010!

Welcome game developers, players and girls pretending to be interested in games (the only games women be playing are MIND GAMES... and plants vs zombies). Since expedited emotions is equally committed to video games as SpikeTV we are proud to host such an important and relevant award show. With out any future interruption lets get on to the awards:

Game of the Year: Guitar Hero Warriors of Rock

No other game released in 2010 is as committed to existing as the 17th release of Guitar Hero. We here at expedited emotions polled every single person on the planet and not a single one of them wanted nor knew of this games existence. But it is on store shelves regardless, as if by sheer force of the games own will.

Game Player of the Year: Bean

What do we judge a gamer on? Well in Bean's case we judge them on how they manage the play style an emotions of their co-gamers. We just witnessed Bean tell his team that "they are not even good at this game" even after the team just one the match despite his 14 betrayals. His brief comments to the team undid all of the hard work that I put in when reading both versions of the Nativity story to them during the match.

I believe the function of any media is to inspire an emotional response, and when the game can not do this Bean steps up his game and runs his mouth to make it happen.

Reason to not Play Video Games in 2011: Me getting old and realizing all the life I have wasted.

At 27 years of age I have realized that my princess that my princess is in another castle. And that castle is not in a video game, an arcade, and definitely not in a Gamestop. My princess is out there living her life and doing things that matter while I'm sitting her still feeling sad about the failure of the Dreamcast. Oh well at least I never played World of Warcraft (I was in the pre-release beta back in 2003 but that doesn't count).

Here is a list of things that I should have been working on instead of video games:

1. Piano

2. Becoming an art thief

3. Running a marathon

4. Getting a degree that would be valuable in the job market

5. Developing a personality

Where is my WiiMote award for 2010: My Couch

I can't find it but I know its in there somewhere

Everyone who plays the following games can eat my poo:

Call of Duty: Black Ops

World of Warcraft

Any game facebook that's not scrabble

Red Dead Redemption

Sports Games

Wii Games that aren't made by Nintendo or don't have dancing or light gun-style arcade shooting

(this was going to be a longer post but I think the longer ones scare people away and who can compete with the random cat picture that SLEEPY CRICKET considers a contribution)

Thanks for tuning in to this years EE Video Game Awards, please come back next year as it will be our last before the whole end of the world thing that the movies told me was happening in 2012.