Someone let my rape jokes write a movie and called it: SUCKER PUNCH

Upon receiving the gift of a left over concession coupon book, I decided to treat myself to a movie. And that movie was SUCKER PUNCH.

You have heard the joke of a plot by now but here it is again. Sucker Punch is about a messed up girl in a mental ward who creates not 1 but 2 alternate realities to help her cope/escape. Mental institution becomes erotic dance camp, erotic dance camp becomes Final Fantasy cut scene. I feel like the VISIONARY FILMMAKER performed this setting transition whenever he ran out of ideas/talent to make the current one work. Not only do we have an unwieldily premise we have an uneasy tone that neither the people involved in making the movie or the people watching it can handle.

So we have our main character, who has a dumb name so I am going to call her VICTIM. She is a victim, her attempts to fight back are met with imprisonment, rape (not sure if this actually happened because the filmmaker is a coward), and a lobotomy (SPOILERZ). The VICTIM looks like a barely legal adult film actress no matter what setting she is acting in and she's got some friends, which all fare better aside from the High School Musical girl. Nothing in this film really counts as a performance aside from the Mad Men guy doing his Mad Men thing at the end.

The script sounds as if it was written by the biggest punk in a small town sunday school class. The type of kid who would just throw out the word nazi or molestation because he was bored and wanted to get a small group discussion off topic. When challenged why he would bring up such an unrelated topic he would just put his headphones back on or resume texting. Not accountable for what he says, just wanted attention and then couldn't figure out the right way to get it, and then didn't know what to do with the spotlight which he highjacked from the proper stars.

The women in the movie are held captive by the men, the girls formulate a generic plan and then do a triple-dream to pull it off. Or not pull it off. I can't really tell if any of them succeeded or not. About half of the movie is cut to a cover/remix of a classic song, I actually didn't mind this because it hid the terrible acting/dialouge and showcased what the director is good at, which is camera angles and transitions.

The Good:
-Zach Snyder (VISIONARY FILMMAKER) uses a really warm lens/digital finish in all of his movies and I like it. It's getting old because this is the third time in a row he's used it, but it works.
-The Mad Men guy, I said "Hey what's up?" in the theater when I saw him. Good to see him out of the Ad Agency.
- I had a coupon for free roasted almonds, they were awesome.
- Tricked the guy to let me buy a student ticket, I'm a pro like that.
- I saw it alone. All my movie friends left me so this is the ideal scenario for this stage in my life.
- The music was good
- Jamie from Real World San Diego is still acting!

The Bad:
- VICTIM's make-up, pouty face, deliberate aging down to make it more creepy or deviant
- You don't ever see the girls dance, a cut away from the action/mayhem and back to what was "really" happening would have done a lot to make this thing more watchable
- What does Sucker Punch mean? Its a joke title for a non-joke movie... a more appropriate title would be "Exploited Girls Gone Wild"
- Fighting sections could have had some/any type of correlation with each other to trick me into thinking it wasn't a complete waste of time.
- High School Musical girl was the worst part of a terrible movie
- Carla Gugino's polish accent/character was the worst thing to happen to a sweet actress
- It's a creepy creepy PG13

The Verdict:
- The movie made a bad impression on my, but at least it made an impression. I would recommend at least looking at part of it to see how misguided it is. I did not become aroused at all during this movie which I think means that I am starting to respect women.

Spinster discusses this quarter's INVENTORY

SATURDAY 6:55AM
I am so excited for the inventory presentation that will take place in 5 minutes. Everyone cool from the plant is here, all of those filthy hourly employees are at home with their families and sponsors, just us salaried personnel and management. Oh look C-Minus didn't shower, even my cat gives itself baths! Multiple Bath's a day if you are the cat's private area. Not that I'm counting, but he gets so affectionate after he washes down there its hard to miss the corelation. Oh I'm gonna say a shrill good morning before we get started

SATURDAY 6:59
"GOOD MORNING COMPANY! ISN"T EVERYONE THRILLED TO BE HERE?"

SATURDAY 7:01
Oh what non-inventory related things will I talk to people about today? Weekend plans of course, OR WHAT"S LEFT OF WEEKEND PLANS!? HA I mentally crack myself up sometimes. Stay serious face so it looks like I'm paying attention.

SATURDAY 7:30
Presentation is over and they are all filing out with their heads down. I'm gonna offer one of them a high five. C-Minus has a couple minutes of youth left, he'll get it

SATURDAY 7:31
C-MINUS HIGH FIVE FOR GOOD LUCK!

SATURDAY 7:32
DON'T LEAVE ME HANGING LIKE THE EXTENDED FAMILY MEMBERS THAT NO LONGER TAKE MY CALLS

SATURDAY 7:33
Inventory task #1: Tweet the nieces to see if they want to see Beastly at Celebration Cinema during Inventory lunch time.

SATURDAY 9:45
OH BEASTLY WAS A BLAST! That guy was so handsome as the beauty and the beast! Makes me want to go back 30 years and not give up on men moments after they as a gender gave up on me. Glad I previewed it before inviting the nieces, just got a tweet back which said no but I'll be ready if they change their minds later today. Are those jokers done counting yet? I should see if the plant manager is available to hear some of my cat church stories, which are stories about the Universalist Church that I made on my back porch. We don't talk down the the kitties like the Catholics or the dumpster by Burger King.

SATURDAY 10:00 AM
Oh boy, my second favorite part of the day, I get to page everyone to the break room to get their quarterly donut.

"ATTENTION INVENTORY CREWS, IT IS BREAK TIME AND FOR THE NEXT 15 MINUTES YOU CAN ENJOY A DONUT AND EACH OTHER'S COMPANIONSHIP. I'M SO LONELY. WILL THE SWEATIEST MAN PLEASE REPORT TO THE SPINSTER SECTION OF THE OFFICE SO THAT I MAY SMELL YOU."

SATURDAY 10:15 AM
I really shouldn't have eaten that donut, what with my diabetes and all. I sold my insulin to the former body builder on 2nd shift so I'm just going to sleep in my car til I level off.

SATURDAY 2:00 PM
Oh wow, that 15 minute nap hit the spot. I can't feel my feet but the donut was worth it. Inventory is the best day. Wait, why are people heading to their cars.

"Hey C Minus, I run this inventory. Get back to counting. WHAT DO YOU MEAN THE INVENTORY IS DONE? I DIDN'T DISMISS YOU!"

SATURDAY 2:05 PM
And here I am alone again, the desolatation of the parking lot reminds my of my apartment and my heart. Well I guess I'll spend my Saturday afternoon like any other 54 year old single woman would, by going to the mall and trying to make friends with 14 year olds.

TILL NEXT QUARTER!

- SPINSTER

AT&T and T-Mobile Deserve Each Other

You ever see an awful person get in a relationship with another awful person and make a terribly awful couple? This is how I feel about the recently announced acquisition of T-Mobile by that fat and slow AT&T. I've had multiple year contracts with both and I'm still debating on who I hate more.

I currently use AT&T for their fancy iPhone, the phone is fine but the service is overpriced and non-existent in many areas. Finding a 3G signal on AT&T is met with the same joy and disbelief as finding a pot of gold at the end of the rainbow. But in this simile the pot of gold is actually charged on your phone bill but still not available in 105% of the area you live in. On top of no 3G in my areas, AT&T's normal phone services only work with a phone-reset and prayer. Voicemail? Hope you don't mind waiting for it, because you won't be notified or be able to retrieve it for upwards of a half an hour. Picture and video messaging is a joke, not only that but I won't be notified that the media message didn't go through until an hour later, if at all. This might not seem like a big deal, but if I think I sent you a picture of my boypart I might act a certain way towards you since you didn't say you weren't into it. That puts us in an awkward situation when we deal with the real world issue of me showing you the real thing under the assumption the picture had broken the ice. I'm sorry. I think when too many customer's realize that AT&T sucks the company just eats another phone company (Centennial) or gets another phone exclusive (iPhone).

T-Mobile I will give the benefit of the doubt because I had the service in the year 2005, I would assume the service has gotten better since then if I wasn't told otherwise by every single T-Mobile customer. I feel like T-Mobile is actually a fake phone company set up by some Nigerian 419 scammers. In each state they erect 1 cellphone tower and made a mall kiosk just to start stealing identities and get bank account numbers.

So we have the fat and terrible AT&T getting together with the "I swear its not a real phone company" T-Mobile. I really do think the customers win in this situation, or at least I do, so that when my contract expires I will have just 1 company to avoid like the plague instead of two.

Heavy Rain- An American Shenmue as Performed by the French

During my senior year of high school as special little/large game called Shenmue came out and justified my love of the Dreamcast. It was an awkward and and occasionally perplexing adventure game where the action took a backseat to getting to know a young man as he investigates a murder. This game sadly wasn't enough to save the Dreamcast, in fact it probably was on of the things that did the system in.

12 years later we get a shockingly similar game with the same successes and largely the same failures. Seeing that I have been waiting paitently for a Shenmue follow up (no Shenmue 2 doesn't count) I was eager to play the "game."

"Game" is in quotes because Heavy Rain is an interactive movie. Anything that made Shenmue a game like experience like the fighting system or open world environments has been removed and replaced with brutally efficient storytelling. Maybe efficient is a stretch for Heavy Rain. Heavy Rain tells the story of four different characters who are looking into the a serial murderer known as the "Origami Killer."

The story basics have been done to death but the 4 person shifting format makes it interesting. I got annoyed at the perspective shifting every time something interesting was going to happen but it kept the "game" moving. The only possibly experience crippling problem with Heavy Rain is that the game was written and performed by French people. I don't really have too much against the French, but when only 1 out of 4 of the main characters can pronounce the villan's name (it's "origami" not "oRAYgAYME") then maybe the casting director should have bought American.

I can ignore the voice acting though, I can actually ignore a lot of stuff in media because it gives me a chance to use my imagination. The wrote in a mental back story for characters so the mispronunciation was due to something that happened off camera such as a stroke or learning to read phonically.

The action in the game is only quicktime events, which I think video games are trending away from but I really don't mind them. As a game Heavy Rain is a decent experience, it didn't bring me into the world like Shenmue did, mainly because there is no world to be brought into. There is a solid story in place and scenes to help the virtual-terrible actors act out.

I think this game is on to something, but I just wish they could crank games out like this faster and cheaper. Like do it like TellTale Games does with their adventure games, but instead of dumb 90's area puzzles just have a decision based/choose your own adventure style gameplay. I am happier with the $20 dollars that I spent on this 5 hour game than the $20 dollars I would have spent on a movie or something.

B. Willis

I watched the movie RED and it reminded me of one thing: Bruce Willis is an amazing actor, and severely under-rated. It fathoms me that he has not yet won an academy award. The man can play a superhero and yet still make us believe he's an average joe through his sincerity.
How can a mortal man exude both profound awesomeness, and profound emotion at the same time?
Magic.
Willis' magic is strong, and he's not afraid to show it. Rumor has it that he studied under kings and gods for centuries before emerging in his present state to yippi-kai-yea us out of our mundane slump. (Disclaimer: I've never seen any Die Hard movie all the way through, I'm more of a fan of his later work, e.g. The Fifth Element, Unbreakable.)
So the next time you watch a movie featuring Bruce Willis I challenge you this: Look into his eyes. And I mean really look into them. You may be afraid at first, but trust me, the wonders encased within are well worth the damage.

Sugar Sugar

So, I'm not eating processed sugar (nor artificial sweeteners) right now (at least, ideally) and there a number of things I've noticed about it so far.

~Everything else tastes WAY better! Did you know carrots have a juicy sweetness that goes unnoticed when in the shadow of ice cream?

~Naturally sweet things like fruits are plenty sweet now for even my biggest cravings. I'll be thinking "I want some candy..." then eat a few grapes and be all "this IS candy!"

~A general feeling of more energy. (although I've also taken on a new vitamin regimen, so these are very non-scientific data)

~Severe drop in morning breath stankyness. I woke up this morning and noticed my mouth tasting far less bad then it normally does.

~Bizzarly food-centered dreams. In a dream I had last night I had inherted a candy and soda-fountain shoppe. I can vividly remember filling my cup full of bubbly purple pop so full of sugar it a bit grainy to swallow. And being VERY excited about it.

I am sad to report, however, that today my mouth was retrained open, a and chocolate chip cookie was forced in to my mouth which I was then required under serious blackmail that I chew, swallow, and enjoy. Back on the wagon tomorrow, though!


Weight-loss Check-in! (And you all thought I wussed out!)
Just hit the 25 pound mark! Some might say "That's a quarter of a hundred!" But I have two things to say to them: 1.) Stop stating the obvious! 2.) Stop expecting more and be happy with the work so far. I haven't felt this good in years, (maybe ever) and I am very happy that I was able to enjoy all 450+ stairs of my cave tour last week as much as I did. I did not think the entire time how much better at it I would be if I was half way to a 100lbs, becuase that would self-defeating. And self-defeatment is C Minus' job.

Killzone 3- A Nice Playing FPS on a very short leash with a poorly paced story.

I held out for a PS3 until they had a 160 gig unit with a 50 dollar gift card and this recently released game for 300. This is my attempt at a review of the game

"This is it guys." -Commander whatever his face from Killzone 3 on levels 1-End.

Killzone 3 is a strange one. It has been about 24 hours since I beat the game and I still don't know exactly what I played. Part of this is my problem as I did not play Killzone 1 (PS2) Killzone Liberation (PSP) or Killzone 2 (PS3), I think I enjoyed my time with Killzone 3 but I have no intentions of playing any of its predecessors and plan on selling it at first opportunity.

Killzone 3 = Gears of War story + Call of Duty Gameplay + Halo Misc. Stuff

Since this is the formula for how I view the game I will review each element separately.

Killzone 3 is a game about the conflict between ignorant space marines and Russian aliens. Each side is dumb and you won't care about any of them. They also shout every line of dialogue and there is a bunch of back and forth drama from other games that doesn't go anywhere. Despite not playing the previous games I just pretended this was a Gears of War sequel and continued moving my army guy forward down the corridor.

The story is generic and is just an extended wrap up of whatever happened in Killzone 2. It is a tactical retreat that is stretched out into a 10 hour campaign. And it starts and stops about 15 times with someone saying "This is it guys!" "We DID IT!" "OH KNOW THEY ARE BACK!" "ONE LAST TIME MEN!" "WE DID IT!" "I promise each and everyone of you, once this thing is dead we can go home and C-Minus can move on to the next game on his to-play list."

Move your army guy forward down the corridor. That is the gameplay from the Call of Duty series. When the Russian's/Alien's/non-whites put up a fight, just hide behind something and pick them off until the path is clear. Despite all the 'splosions and loud yelling this is a monorail and it moves forward at all times. Tactics include using whatever level appropriate toy they give you to kill the foreigners (jet pack/air strikes/etc..). It plays like a well refined shooter, but its refinement is partially due to the player being on such a short leash. If you are ok with the Call of Duty formula of running through a shooting gallery then this is a pleasant version of that but in space. If you are looking for any type of thought behind the mayhem then you should look else where.

While I never played it the original Killzone was described as a "Halo-Killer." It wasn't, and from what I remember the game was barely playable. But 3 games deep they are on to a competent and loud Playstation exclusive experience. With the game being solid it seems like they threw in a bunch of extra stuff to take another shot at being the next Halo. The game ends with some space stuff which is was something new that was tacked on to Halo Reach. You also have the ability to pick up and remove turrets and other previously stationary weapons which seems very Halo-esque. But what they should have taken from Halo was the open nature of the fighting. Even though you aren't controlling a squad in Halo you feel like you can read the enemies tactics and adjust accordingly. But in Killzone you move forward, get to cover, shoot, move forward, repeat.

http://www.giantbomb.com/quick-look-killzone-3/17-3797/

New Blog?!?!?

I got the greatest idea for a blog that I can actually share with people publicly. I don't think this one is going anywhere but we'll see.

I hate video game media #3: They Hate Video games.

Final post about game media, you can resume reading blog after this post.

Hate is a strong word. I use incorrectly. I don't think I hate. In this case I care about deeply and get upset when video game media refuses to get with the program on how to cover video games. I understand there is a 24 hour news cycle or whatever and the information beast must be fed, but you are a machine. A machine that hates video games. Am I using hate incorrectly again? Probably but here is why video game media hates video games:

Video game media wants bad things to happen in the video game industry:

Activision laying off 400 or so people was the best thing to happen to most video game reporters since the last crummy thing that Activision did (getting into a fight with COD developer infinity ward) which was the best thing to happen to most video game reporters since the last crummy thing that EA did (... probably the old regime of business). I get it, I am a writer (eh.... ok no), it is easier to tear something down than build something up, but your website is not titled JoystiqSAREDRIVENBYCORPORATEGREED.com. I also understand that bad news is easier to find, write about and promote than the small successes that drive 95% of the world.

Video game media values games that do not exist instead of games that do exist

Most of my reasons that the media hates video games are problems with the reader as well. But are the media just giving us what we want or have they weened us on to what's easiest to produce. Video game media will push the heck out of previews and game announcements over reviews (unless the reviews are exclusive or early or something), and I guess that is due to the NEW in news but I look to the gaming media to see where my limited gaming time and monies should be spent, not to look at some gee wiz thing that has a 50% chance of being canceled or retooled beyond recognition before its release in 18 months.

I'm not saying don't tell me what to look forward to, I'm saying value the recently released and updated stuff as much as what isn't out there. Here is a ratio, release/post release coverage of game X should be equal to or greater than prerelease or announcement coverage of X. Do I need a 5000 word review of a DS game? Not really, but how about 3 reviews from reviewers of different backgrounds, old EGM style but with all of them giving an equal take on the subject.

Oh forget it I'm just jealous that unfunny non-writers at joystiq and the like get paid to be the vultures of the game industry.

I wish I had their lives.