Uh................um..................ok, need to think faster.
Uh......um.......ok, better...
Uh, um, ok, got it!
That should buy me a few minutes. Plebians love cute kitty pictures. I mean, look at it. It must of had like crumbs on its paw...little kitty cookie crumbs...oh snap, stupid cat and your procrastination abilities. Ok, I got Rock Band 3 yesterday and it looks awesome. [+3 Recovery] Thanks superflous stat tracker, but I haven't taken it out of the package yet. [-2 Morality] Hey, I'm sorry. I didn't want to mislead you, but I will break into C Mercuries place in a few minutes to play it. [-1 Morality] There we go. We can get Frosty's afterwards... [+3 Morality] [Received Item Friendship Bracelet]
I see you eye ballin' me from across the room. Jealous of the dozens of hits I be getting on my YouTube channel (www.youtube.com/theroom2evenroomier). You want what I got? Well then bro I ain't here to hate you I'm here to help you with these tips. (Sleepy Cricket is driving back here for some reason and can't post today, ENJOY THE RUSH JOB TO COVER FOR HIM)
10 Tips for Being an Internet Video Guy:
Don't Zoom. Zooming is gay. I say this to new people who I'm working with to shock them into holding the camera nice and straight without any silly crap like zooming or shaking the camera. Cloverfield looked like garbage and it was filmed with the best cameras by a skilled technician. Now your camera sucks and you are even worse, so keep it as straight and smooth as possible. Tri-pods and monopods are your friend.
If someone is not part of the video that you are doing remove them from the area by request or by force. They will make noise and be a pain in the rump.
Write it down and memorize what you are going to say. Even if you riff off of that, have a direction that you want to take things in. If you can't plan what you are going to say then don't plan on anyone enjoying you fumbling for words and direction
Make it under 3 minutes long (I need to follow this advice)
Make it under 2 minutes long (I REALLY need to follow this advice)
Everyone is going to play this video expecting to hate it, you have no goodwill from your audience, even if that audience is your friends and family. So come out swinging.
Do not save any ideas for the sequel. There is a 99% chance you are never going to make another video, put everything you got in this video and do it in a timely manner.
Get reaction shots and alternate angles for everything. These are excellent for covering up mistakes and mixing up the images on screen.
Find a way to record clear sound. Even if you have to dub over it. Bad sound is so much worse than bad video. I will play videos that I make without the video to make sure they are clear and that they work as a flow of words.
Don't expect to make money, friends or popularity. If you can think of anything you would rather be doing do that instead.
Ok that's it. Hopefully SLEEPY CRICKET will have some hot fire to spit tomorrow to make up for this unfunny waste of time of a post.
- We really need a camera person and consistent lighting. The living room part is so obviously just 1 of us that it is kind of hard to watch. My goal with these was to get back to the basics of simple longer shots and pacing, but because I have to work around camera placement it looks choppier than the holiday videos.
- I wrote this in about 20 minutes and most of the funny stuff was only funny on the page. My costar had a really hard time with his lines because they are from the voice in my head instead of his voice. Instead of reworking them or helping him we just kept doing it over until he got it, which is why his longer stuff sounds rushed. In the first one he was over my shoulder making things he would say sound more like things he would say... although there was a lot of "shut up" in the first one.
- Every time I played or edited the phone ringer I would reach for my phone in real life. I just watched the video as I typed the previous thought and I reached for the phone. Also there was a Tommy Wiseau sound effect put in when the bag dropped but it was distracting.
- A manager at my job referred to hanukkah as "Jew-vember" today. I just google searched the word hanukkah to make sure I was spelling it correctly, turns out I wasn't.
- I was really exhausted from work and costar was fighting off a stomach flu, we pretty much just kept our heads down and plowed through it as quick as possible. My mom had just got home from church and ate before I interrupted her with the video stuff. I wanted her in this partially because I felt bad about saying she was dead 3 times in the first episode, and I find her funny. She did it the way she does things, sloppily but in an endearing way. She did chug a large glass of wine in one gulp before we were starting to film. Not sure if that is why she was smiling during the sequence or if losing control of your face is part of the aging process. I love you mother.
- I edited this while a friend came over, I didn't pay attention to a word he said the entire evening.
- This was supposed to be done last week but I had to work late and bailed on costar, I think it's the first time I've ever canceled on my end aside from going to the bar, which I cancel all the time because I hate the bar. I'm not sure if costar was pissed or just lazy because he didn't get back to me for a bit. I thought of rewriting and having a new person help me with being a manager every episode. SLEEPY CRICKET was in town this weekend and made it work story wise, but after SLEEPY CRICKET and costar I am out of friends so the series would have to end there. And this was something special for me and costar, not as special as TOUCH OF THE DOWNS but made for us by us; kind of like fubu but instead of getting stabbed for wearing it we just get ignored for producing it.
- Work-Step-Mom and manager came in at same time this morning and took off jackets in same way at the same time. I watched this and said "that was cute, did you rehearse that on the way to work this morning?" which was a slight implication that they were having an affair and that I hate them (everything is an implication that I hate them). Step-Mom loved it, Manager got all tea party about it until he found someone to blame for something. He's always cranky in the morning until he blames someone for something.
- I really like the concepts of my videos better than the execution. I feel like everything I have ever made is a rough draft, but instead of making the corrections I just hand it back in as final copy, red pen corrections and all.
- I was shifting through the old cartoon stuff to use as a filler post (at this point its too terrible to let you see, but my standards are dropping quickly so expect it next week) and realized that I've totally done this idea 3 or 4 times already. Oh well, each attempt is just a step on the long road to watchability.
- One of my work wives got a new job, she will be leaving my life soon. I used the term "friendivorce" in a poor attempt to get someone totally different to feel bad today, but I think it actually applies to what my work wife and I are going through right now.
- I think I have more to say tonight but it's late and I give up.
In an effort to balance out the sheer masculinity of C Minus and Sleepy Cricket. The boys have enlisted a wise friend of the family. She is the definition of success with multiple college courses attended and over 3 marriages performed through to completion. She will be answering one female reader's question each week. Please submit questions in this post's comments section for future consideration.
Dear Lady Listener,
Thank you so much for answering women's questions on the blog. I originally came here because it was the highest ranked google site for the search term "Jon Purdy hot pix" but I stuck around because of your wisdom.
Here's my situation: The other night, my guy friend asked if I wanted to come over to his place and hang out and watch a movie. I thought, "hey, I love movies!" so away I went. We watched a movie, ate some snacks, watched the cool lightening storm, and listened to nerdy music (read: marching bands). Next thing I knew, we were making out. Then suddenly it was 2am and I was falling asleep snuggled on the couch. The suddenly we were in his bed because it's bigger than the couch! I noticed that he was breathing more quickly than the average sleeping person, so i asked if he was ok - no worries, he was fine, just doesn't usually sleep much anyway.
A few minutes later, when I was nearly zonked out, he said "ok, well if you want me to be completely honest, I kinda need to rub one off." And then a few minutes after that, he asked me if I'd be willing to help him out with that. So I pretended I was completely asleep.
End of story?
-Ms. Macro
Dear Ms. Macro,
I feel like this situation was a missed opportunity for both of you. Your right hand man missed out on the chance to pursue and actual relationship with a female. On one hand (preferably the one he didn't pleasure himself with) I respect him for directly addressing the following true statements:
"I am aroused"
I will assume that the gentleman was actually aroused at the moment and didn't need you to stimulate him to the state of being ready for the rubbing out process. Before we disect this statement. Congratulations! Not everyone can bring a manfriend to this point (bloggers note: the percentage is pretty high though so don't get all cocky about it. Bwahahaha). So he is not trying to hide the fact that he is feeling stimulated, so far this seems to be an honest man and I believe that you should commend him on that fact.
"There is a woman here"
The boytoy acknowledges your presence as both a person in the nearby area and as a woman who he would be willing to make out with (assuming he was not drugged to reach this point). I think having a man see you for what gender you are, a woman, is an important part in any relationship.
"I would like to take this arousal to the next level"
Here is a man who knows where he wants to go with his evening. I think a man who is committed to a direction in his life or even his evening is definitely something to be valued, especially to us as women who frequently don't know what to do with our lives in between pregnancies.
"This woman has stated interest in my well being"
It's a bit late into my response to be saying this but your question of "are you ok?" could have been taken as "is there any bodily fluid I can help you discharge this evening?" He probably took a moment to reflect on the inventory of his various liquids and felt that his manjuice would the best fit for your skill set.
"I kinda need to rub one off"
I was 100% on this man's side until you mentioned he said this to you. Never have I been more disgusted as a medical professional or as a woman. The nerve of this man!
Rubbing one off is the world's leading waste of human seed and this man is just causually asking you to participate in the murder of untold hundreds of potential people. In your fake sleep you showed a great deal of composure and restraint. If I were in your postion I would have slapped him in the face and then demanded he impregnate me right then and there. Every seed is a gift and I have yet to see a toilet or tube sock carry a child to term.
I think you did all the things a woman should do when trying to get pregnant, watch a movie, listen to band music, make out.... but when it came down to it the man just didn't respect you or the insemination process enough to make a complete child bearing request of you.
My final thoughts on the subject would be to not let this situation affect you in your quest to produce as many offspring as the public welfare system can handle. If your intentions are true, you will find many willing and able partners who will be able to eloquently ask your permission to get up in them guts.
7:00am...A touch phone echoes a peircing howl back at the morning sun. Its master viciously slides it to sleep again. 7:15am...Second snooze on Touchy McPhonestein. Alarm 2 roars awake from the bathroom with bland radio personalities discussing some survey about the genders. Stupidity and movement has proven the greatest alertness tool. 7:30am...Not that great a tool this day. Second snooze on bathroom alarm & fifth on touchy. Awakeness finally succumbs to the noise. To the shower of I go where time stands still as I partake in the usual cleanliness ritual. 7:50am...A morning feast, I call in the name of Sir Titus Strudel. Icing is applied liberally with a side of harvested cows milk. 8:00am...Officially late for my day of questing, I hastily make my journey on the only road I've ever known...from Monday through Friday. 8:05am...Ah ha! Workland, a mythical and magical wonderland where e-mails exceed no size limit and accidental small talk is non-formulaic.
Soon...
Episode 2 - The Search of the Last Vanilla Creamer...
The boys were back in town, we shot this in 20 minutes:
Random thoughts:
- Sloppy. I was going to put videogame footage in it and make it really weird but I didn't quite have enough actual video to hang it all on.
- SLEEPY CRICKET nor I had a handle on what we should be doing so we gave each part a shot and hoped for the best. You can see the worst of both of us; me trying to dominate every line because I don't know what the other person is going to do. The other one being too reserved and losing interest in what we are doing.
- The game BROTHER BEAR was playing at the time was Dead Rising 2. He saved what I thought was a wasted game so thanks for that.
- I hate videogame jokes and nerd humor. Also: Big Bang Theory sucks. Nerds are not cool they are nerds. I know because I have been one all my life and its annoying to see the 1-stereotype of a show being trumpeted while the multi-stereotype show I enjoy (Community) is struggling.
- Again I am out of focus on the couch, I really need to come up with a clearer system for locking in on stuff.
- SLEEPY CRICKET was going to edit this, it would have been much better if he had. The lack of actual content would give him room to play around. He had to drive back to where ever the heck he's living these days.
- If I didn't have my commitments to my church I think I would move in with him. I don't got much going on here that I couldn't try to do at medium distance. Especially with the recent advances in skype.
- Dead Rising 2 is the most frustrating game I'll ever love.
- Jon Purdy is the most frustrating man I will ever love.
I know I've been terrible the past couple weeks, due to work and some other stuff. Today I looked at myself in the bathroom mirror and said "C Minus, you need a pick me up." So I thought of what makes me happy and put some of footage together as a reminder of what makes my world go round.
This video might be a little long for some people so you might want to pause it if you get bored, scared or turned on and come back when you are ready to proceed with the happiness.
I would love to continue the HappyTape series but that would require additional happy things to happen so that I can document them.
Due to coworker sickness and new business I've been working more lately, ENJOY THIS LIST OF REASONS WHY IT IS KILLING ME FROM THE INSIDE OUT!
1- I think the second shift employees are going to molest me.
They are not used to seeing someone of my long hair, pleasant smell, and disease free genitalia.
2- I make overtime pay.
I make time and a half for every hour over 40, BUT that just pisses me off about the first 40 hours I worked for less than the company is willing to pay me. I am reasonably compensated for what I actually do, but I am far under funded for what I put up with.
3- I am an easy target.
With me tied up with actual work to do, I am not available to defend myself from the steady stream of crap that is thrown in my general direction. As I limped into work Monday (an hour and a half before my shift really started, limping because I rage ran the previous night), a supervisor sees me from across the parking lot and screams "WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU (regarding the limp)?" A well rested C Minus would have had a verbal response that would have sent the supervisor under the conservative rock he came out from. But in a 60+ hour week my verbal skills are reduced so I only responded "THIS IS NOT AN ATTENTION SEEKING BEHAVIOR. PLEASE LEAVE ME ALONE."
4- Lots of time with COWORKER
I spoke of the work wives earlier this week, mainly as a way to remind myself that I am loved to prevent me from committing work suicide. I have other work family members, and COWORKER comes from the Disney's Cinderella version of COWORKER where they are pretty much unredeemable. Well I'm stuck with her this week for more than 80% of my waking hours. The time has gotten me to hate her less, but I don't want to not hate her, hating her allows me to process her as a person without actually thinking about her.
In a normal week I would sometimes mentally ask myself: Why would step mother do/say/smell like that?
And during that normal week the answer would be: Who cares, you hate her and she is doing/saying/smelling like that so you have things to mock her for.
But in this special week I'm all menstruating and being like; Maybe there is a root cause to her doing/saying/smelling and I should explore her issues and get to know her as a COWORKER during this 65 hour work week.
5- I am going to be reprimanded for my performance as soon things slow down
Instead of seeing the struggle and being like, wow the system created C Minus and others in his position is not functioning correctly the lesson is wow C Minus and his coworker do not hold a candle to the missing employee, let us wait until she gets back so that we can write them all up for the amount of overtime we have to pay them and the fact they don't work as well as they did when we had another person in the department to help with the workload.
Ok I'm done for now. Its been a 12 hour day of work and I have to go in on Saturday. Enjoy your weekend then comment and tell me all the non-work related things you did so that I may live through your Internet lies vicariously.
So I get home and I found a raccoon jumping on my keyboard. So I chase him away and I notice he went on www.Cosmopolitan.com. So I'm like, "while I'm here, I better fill out this survey so they know what a real man thinks." So I go through them and notice that these are the most bogus questions I have ever seen since I took the MEAP. The questions haven't been tampered with and you'll find I've made notes and adjustments in bold. Thank you for your time in supporting American freedom. .............................................................................................. We know. Our obsession with clothes kinda baffles you. But we're still dying to know what you love, loathe, and which fashion trends make you want to scratch that sexy head of yours. Spill it all below. Urge to kill meter: 4.6
How do you like a girl to dress on a first date? Body-hugging jeans and a hot top A little black dress Battle ready
Which star has the sexiest style? Jennifer Aniston. She looks awesome in a pair of jeans and t-shirt Reese Witherspoon. She's got a refined, classic style you don't see all the time Beyonce. I love a woman who embraces her curves Gwen Stefani. Quirky, sporty, and willing to take risks Bea Arthur. She may be classy, but she's my kind of sassy!
What footwear do you find sexiest? Heels Boots Flats Skateboard shoes (Any lady that can go from street to vert is appealing)
Which revealing clothing item do you like most? A mini-skirt A low-cut blouse A tummy-baring top All in one; I like to see all that I can None. I don't like when a girl shows her goodies Like Ciara, I too believe a women's goodies are her own goodies and should be used how she pleases
She's undressing for the first time. What kind of underwear are you hoping to see? I'm not sure how we got into this situation, but I imagine she got honey on her pants and we are now being chased by a grizzly bear and bunch of honey bees. So she ditches the pants to distract the bees and we climb a tree until the bear goes away Basic cotton bikini underwear G-string or thong Lacy boyshorts Long Underwear (She must be warm if we are to survive the night)
What color do you like to see most on a woman? Black Soft feminine colors like light blues and pastels Fire-engine reds or deep purples White Is shiny a color? If it is, then shiny. If not, screw this question.
Which style habit mystifies you most? Oversized bags. Is there a more obvious way to show you've got serious baggage? Pointy-toed shoes. I can't tell if it's a fashion statement or a torture device. All-black or gray. Would it kill ya to wear some color? Mucho accessories. Too much jewelry, hats and belts means she's too high maintenance. Independence. It's just a fad, I'm sure they'll grow out of it
Which trend are you praying your girl doesn't try this season? Menswear-inspired, high-waisted trousers Flashy sequins and metallic clothes Fur coats and accessories Big cocoon coats and voluminous skirts Tanning (I like a girl with a little skin on her bones and I'm not talking about weight here. But In about 20-30 years when she's complaining about her flesh falling' off, I'll pull out of my wallet a picture of me pointing at her with the caption, "In, your face!"
We name the trend. You tell us which one is fake: Windowpane pants Lantern-sleeve blouses Jackhammer skirts Trapeze dresses Blouson jackets (How the flip am I supposed to know. You know what, I'm not answering your bs question Cosmo, until you answer mine.) I name the 'American Gladiators'. You tell me which one is fake: Nitro Turbo Blaze Laser Fred Savage
What piece of clothing do you find most intimidating? Complicated dresses or tops. Do I need an engineering degree to get them off? In your face low-cut tops or cut-up-to-there skirts. I want to look but I know I shouldn't! Shoes or boots with spike heels. Handgun and accessories
Describe the sexiest outfit you've ever seen on a woman: I think this is a little personal Cosmo, but I will say that I saw it while watching 'Little House on the Prairie".
Describe the worst outfit you've ever seen on a woman: It's hard to describe, but it was at a funeral and all I remembered was that If I was a lady, I wouldn't be caught dead in that thing. (I hope somebody got that)
Many women will be wearing "cocoon coats" this fall. Describe, in one line, what you think such a coat looks like: Should be made of silk, soft, opaque, mesh like, composed of multiple layers and should protect the woman long enough for the metamorphosis to complete.
I had a really nice idea for a blog post today, and my backup was just going to make a cartoon of the following instant messenger conversation between me and one of my cartoon wives. But then I had to work late so I pulled the old cut and paste. Despite my laziness, I hope young men look to this chat log as an example on how to greet your lady and make her feel special:
C Minus/Su... good morning
C Minus/S... I may just cut and paste our conversation today as a blogpost
C Minus/S... why are you sad on facebook
Rebecca Cunningham/S... well, I am getting a tattoo
Rebecca Cunningham/S... and my guy was sick last night
Rebecca Cunningham/S... so I have to wait.
C Minus/S... no
C Minus/S... NO
C Minus/S... what are you getting?
C Minus/S... gross
Rebecca Cunningham/S... I’m sorry you disapprove
Rebecca Cunningham/S... it's a dandelion that is blowing in the wind and the seeds gradually turn into birds
Rebecca Cunningham/S... it will be on my foot.
C Minus/S... did you even think of me before doing this?
C Minus/S... you know I'm into feet
Rebecca Cunningham/S... you are?
C Minus/S... not any more since you are getting a children's picture book sketched on yours
Rebecca Cunningham/S... it's going to be really cool.
Rebecca Cunningham/S... and you'll like it
C Minus/S... worst-case scenario. it turns me off feet forever
C Minus/S... best case scenario: dandelion’s get me hot from now on
Hope you enjoyed just a small portion of Rebecca and my conversation, believe you me we could go back and forth back and forth back and forth like this forever. It's late and I worked a 15 hour day so I'm going to treat myself to a bowel movement and then go to sleep!
Today 'On The Beat' I was able to hold an exclusive texting interview with Johnny-boy Purdypants.
ee-Hey Jon, how're things? JP-Pretty good, you? Keeping busy? ee-Oh yes, tres bis. Any upcoming projects you're working on? JP-Just the same one I've had for a while, becoming self sufficient and getting a job and stuff. You? ee-Ya know, I keep busy. So what's it like working with Phil Hammond? JP-Didn't know he started working for Applebees ee-Anywho, I know your fans are anxious to get you on the internet. Any new developments?
He hasn't responded to that last one yet. I bet he had better things to do or he caught on to me. Either way, thanks JP for joining us for this weeks, 'On The Beat.'
So me and Electric G strolled down the sparkling gold streets of downtown Elyria this weekend and boy did we stroll. E.G. and I came across 4 bars;
Bar 1 Attributes-Dark, Large Bouncers, Loud Hardcore Rap Music, a sign saying, "No White T-Shirts." Bar 2 Attributes-Empty and Unwelcoming, much like the rest of Elyria. Bar 3 Attributes-Down a side street...a fellow was glaring at us through the window. Creep lvl 3. Bar 4 Attributes-Middle Aged Gentlemen smoking outside, non threatening popular rap songs, average sized bouncers.
Bar 4 had the least amount of disadvantages and therefore perfect. With a plan in hand of only spending no more than $10ea, we walked in paid a $3 cover and looked left. It was in these crucial left looking seconds where we had placed several clues together to verify what we were seeing. We had stumbled upon a local bikini bar and may I say involved no nudity, but the same lack of dignity a strip club would feel like had I known someone whose been to one.
After giggling for 5 minutes we ordered a beverage and watched the first half of Air Force One with Harrison Ford, well not with him, but he was there, in the movie. Then the bartender crinkled up a monster can threw it at the trash can missing it and giving me quite the fright I'll say. She said sorry by giving us these two green liquids.
I have been blessed to have two very special women in my life over the past couple of years and I thought I would take a break from being bitter and crappy to tell you about them. I consider them my "cartoon wives." As to not break my rule of not mentioning anyone by name (aside from Jon Purdy), I will refer to them as two of the Disney afternoon cartoon characters I was attracted to as a child (present day).
Rebbecca Cunningham is the first of the Disney afternoon cartoon characters to enter my life and my heart. She came as my friend Super Christian was leaving and it was a rocky transition. She was preceded by someone who actually had a name similar to RebbeccaCunningham, but aside from a love of Saved By the Bell I did not have anything to discuss with her predecessor.
Rebbecca Cunningham got her Disney Character associated with her after I told her in graphic detail what I would do to that cartoon character if God wasn't watching. In this erotic fan fiction I am also a cartoon character so it wasn't weird or anything (I wouldn't be Baloo because I am in pretty good shape and if I were to be Kit Cloudkicker there would be a weird maternal thing going on which I am not saying is exactly a complete turn off). After going stream of consciousness on our x-rated animated adventures, Rebbecca (the real on not the cartoon one that currently has me aroused). Made me the following illustration that immediately killed any desire I had for the character.
If you take a moment to look at the illustration to the right, the character introduces herself, already knowing my name and then proceeds immediately to saying she loves me. That's how it is supposed to happen ladies, you present yourself to me and then list off your feelings so that neither of us waste anytime.
The fact that I listed off a ton of perverted stuff in the past couple paragraphs and haven't gotten slapped should tell you that Rebbecca is the cartoon character that I run my lines by. If in the past two years I have said something that makes you feel special, there is a good chance I focus tested it with Ms. Cunningham. If I happened to offend you and make you think I am lesser of a man for saying that to you, then that was obviously a sabotage by Rebbecca because she is in love with me and can't stand to see me talking to anyone else.
Also any bitter or audacious stuff that I don't want to sully Gadget's time with gets run by Rebbecca, she knows where the bodies are buried (both literal and metaphorical bodies). She keeps it as real as a Disney afternoon cartoon character can keep it and that's why I love her.
Gadget Hackenwrenchwas the second of the Disney afternoon cartoon characters to come into my life, and initially I was hesitant to let her in. She was too chipper and crafty. While her positive attitude won over the rest of the Rescue Rangers, I kept her at a distance. Much like her cartoon namesake, the real Gadget is crafty and a skilled inventor.
Initially my encounters with her were walking in to the ... Rescue Rangers Chipmunk Resources office to see if Rebbecca Cunningham was available. I would see that she wasn't and then turn around quickly before her supervisor could catch wind of my presence and scowl in my general direction, which I believe is the extent of his actual power/job function. This was eventually shortened to a hand signal from down the hall to see if she was available.
One notable thing about Gadget is her booming laugh that she demonstrates when she is amused, angry, tired, hungry or nervous. Our conversations of the Rescue Ranger Instant Messaging system started with me keeping a tally of how many times I heard her laugh from my desk which is on the other end of the office (Rescue Rangers command center? I give up).
Our conversations started from there. At 8AM we would greet each other, at 8:15AM I would
tell her about what one of my real life ladyfriends was pissing me off at the moment. After over a year of DISNEY CARTOONING together she let me have this handy chart that she made to keep them all straight. I now keep it in my desk as a reminder that while I might not be loved, I am at least tolerated.
On the topic of human interaction, if I have encountered you in the past 2 years and seemed like a reasonable human being, its probably thanks to the cartoon wives. Gadget talks me down and Rebbecca Cunningham gives it to me straight. If I have come across as a prick then it is because I refused to respect the advice and opinion o the cartoon wives. At 9:30AM Gadget and I discuss what our lunch plans are and how the Disney Afternoon Cartoon Block will find a way to ruin them. This will lead us into our discussion of what junk food we will buy from the vending machines when we give up on eating real food. When I have a weak moment and buy the 750 calorie big bag of Reese's Pieces, I know I will always have the life line of giving half of the bag to gadget, while neglecting the newer girl in the Rescue Ranger Resource office.
From failed attempt at lunch and on we will discuss our projects and evening plans. Mine will usually include lies that make me seem like a more reasonable human being to her but aside from my pathological sickness I appreciate our honest relationship. She always keeps a level head and is about the only smile without a knife to stab me in the back in my Disney Animated Cartoon Program and those are some of the reasons I love Gadget Hackenwrench.
OK enough of this sappy/furry stuff. I'll get back to being terrible tomorrow.
First of all I would like to apologize to my readership. C-minus has had a heavy handed amount of post recently while I was at a creativity converence and that conference was held in the biggest little city in the world, Branson, Missouri. Branson may not have broadband internet but ideas and fun Branson is not in short supply of.
But I encountered a few problems with Branson's branding while I was out there. So I decided to schedule a meeting with their city council. I said to them “Branson is the biggest little city in the world. To me that is just unused potential.” I then showed them this image of their fun and glorious town.
I claimed that this might have attracted WWII widows in 1996 but get with the times you need something that is going to attract the crowds and make them stay. I told them about the closing of a popular now defunct cereal museum and explained to them the worlds dire need for a new cereal city with a kicking museum and skate park.
I will be just giving random thoughts about this video and other stuff so don't read this if you value your time.
- Yeah I'm still making videos. I used to be a lot more ferocious about it but I have since developed something of an actual life and the passion has faded a bit.
- Video is kind of self explanatory, idea came to me at work and I wrote down about 10 business tips that Eric could help me out with. Hopefully we will do a couple more of these, I would like them to string right after another but we will do what we can do. We really needed a camera man for this, and I need to stop converting 1080i footage to 720p because it makes the whole thing look blurry. Also I need to find a way to keep track of the focus on a camera when I am in the frame. Also I need to learn how to act.
- During the brief time that I tried to perform the opening in front of people on chat roulette I came across 4 or 5 people pleasuring themselves, and that's not even counting my costar who was in the room with me.
- I wish I had someone that could represent my interests in front of or behind the camera for these things. I'm pretty good at either but kind of terrible doing both. When I did videos for my church there was a youth who could consistently hit the blend of innocence and longing that is what I like to see, he's in college now and too cool for me. My costar in this is good at projecting and showing arrogance and SLEEPY CRICKET was good at being whatever autistic-hipster mix he is in real life.
- I watched the video at least 5 times before uploading it, I didn't realize I repeated one of Eric's lines until it was on the Internet. Oh well, its almost funny enough to seem intentional.
- The facebook update that flashed on the screen took about 10 minutes to put up. I can't figure out facebook's privacy settings and was afraid that other people would see whatever sick stuff I put up. Even with just setting the privacy to my costar, I felt the urge to hurry up and delete the post after I took the screen shot. I was pleasantly surprised that my partner in SPLICE was visible directly under my post with a similarly themed status. Stay strong friend, remember that when life hands you a hybrid human animal you raise it as a daughter and then somehow have intercourse with it.
-The workwife was supposed to shoot some cutaways of me being at work, she got busy or was on her cycle or something. I think the video worked without it and I probably would have gotten us both fired if we went through with it.
-I shut the heater off to reduce ambient noise, but I forgot to shut the fan off so instead of being quiet it was just cold.
-This was actually scripted, I think the first thing I actually wrote down lines for since the UNTITLED MOVIE PROJECT THAT I WILL NO LONGER BE BITTER ABOUT
-I think selling and business topics have the potential to be the funniest stuff in the world so it makes me mad when shows like the office do crazy simpson's stuff. Or that awful movie "The Goods" why couldn't that just be about a liquidation of a car lot? You could make it interesting but no here's a bunch of one off garabage that makes no sense.
Ok that's all the random thoughts you get for today.
As Sleepy Cricket's amazing cartoon yesterday may have indicated, I had a birthday recently. One of the joys of the Internet age is reading statements of congratulations typed out by friends, family and people who you just have on your friends list in order to keep tabs on and see how fat they have gotten recently (they have gotten quite fat recently). I thought I would take some of the gems that were posted on my facebook wall and critique them. Obviously this is a joke so feel free to chill out before you go getting your homies riled up.
This is the kind of wall post that make me want to go back and revise my Social Contract with Every Woman so that I may add in a clause that allows me to slap you in the face when you type crap like this at me. F
I hope that someone gives you (belated) CPR. F
I am certain that you used the first 23 hours and 47 minutes of my birthday writing this amazing birthday wall post! F
Do you even know who this is? F
No No No this is not MTV raps so save the street talk for your pimp. F
Oh thanks for the update you facetious freak. I did plan on enjoying myself but then I decided to read your awful birthday message a couple dozen times instead. F
Just who does this nosy woman think she is? Here I am trying to celebrate 27 years of putting up with her ace and she's all being interrogative and stuff. And I'm sure that big date thing is a joke that you think I'm going to die alone, but jokes on you because (as of 10:30 on 10/12) I have a girlfriend. F
Hopefully I received a wallet for my birthday so I can stick it in my mouth to prevent biting my tongue because this post just gave me a seizure. How would I translate that to spoken word by the way, would I scream every other letter spelled out or would I try to break the word up in letter sized soundbites and scream/talk it? F
You're so blocked from my facebook. F
Unless OMG stands for Only Messages Garbage then you should probably separate the abbreviating the Lord's name in vain from the worlds most generic birthday wish. F
No actually you shouldn't say unbirthday because its my birthday and if it was my unbirthday you would need to post it any day but today. F
I think you are joking but this is the scariest thing I've ever heard in my life. F
Oh well look (listen) to who brought the family out to wish me a happy birthday. More like look who is using my birthday to show off not only his still fresh union but also the fact that he has a better webcam than me. Also I can see just enough of the living room behind them to believe that they live on the set to Maury Povich. F-
THANKS FOR THE KIND WORDS EVERYONE! I'LL SEE YOU AT THE SAME TIME/SAME PLACE NEXT YEAR!
stuck at work, writing in kind of stream of consiousness mode.
Dear Female,
I had a chance to come over a look at your computer. Oh don't worry it was no problem, I was in between my one job and that other job I have. Your boyfriend let me in thinking I was the cable guy after you didn't answer the door or your phone. He said you were at the tanner, which is usually the obligation you have when I want to do something and now it is the obligation you have when you just want me to do something for you. You are always putting other nouns and verbs ahead of us and our plans, that's what makes you so special.
Your boyfriend and I were both initially shocked at each other's existence, me in that you had a boyfriend of three years you didn't tell me about, him that you went to college when I told him that's how I knew you. He's an interesting guy, his tribal armband tattoo nicely compliments his self-made faith system which involves loosely defined morals and elements taken from other religions and self-help books.
I understand why you didn't want to bring the laptop to me, all the cord and everything is a bit much to carry around. And coming
over to your place gives me a chance to really enjoy the campus scenery, traffic and parking regulations. Your boyfriend found an old parking ticket in the couch and told me to put that on the windshield, this would fool those "pubic safety cops into thinking they already towed your car when they see it parked illegally." When I questioned the logic of that statement he left the room to center himself.
I walked towards your room to see that your computer was on with the Disk Boot Error you drunkenly described on my voicemail last night. I probably could have troubleshooted this issue over the phone with you but your state of being and "Ignition Remix" by R. Kelly playing loudly in the background made it seem like a bad time for tech support. When I found this computer for you at the salvation army after you spilt Mike's Hard Lemonade on your old one, I might have mentioned it was a bit older than what your parents bought you. For some reason a shareware copy of Duke Nukem was in the 3.5" floppy drive of your computer, this causes the computer to try to boot from the floppy disk upon start up because it is first in the boot sequence. The shareware copy of Duke Nukem does not contain any bootable files such as an operating system. I hit eject on the floppy drive and your computer booted to Windows and now operates normally.
As I made my exit, I noticed an old parking ticket by your computer with the message "call glasses about computer" written in your lipstick. I assume I am "glasses" in the situation. I took the note for my scrapbook as it is the closest thing I've received from a girl in a while. As I exited your house and your life, I wondered what you were doing. I hope you weren't in the tanning booth for the 40 minutes of my visit, I tried to imagine you doing something really important and altruistic...but I wasn't able to.
I am not feeling that funny at the moment which will be reflected in the boring and self-centered post below.
This is the first year I have felt like an actual adult. I feel this from the thinning of my hair to the problems with my back. I no longer look like a child in daddy's clothes when I put on a tie, and the definition in my face finally suits the glasses that I have worn since kindergarten. But as my body changes I see the things that I am interested also changing.
Things that I am losing interest in: Videogames
Where as in the past I could spend an entire weekend on a videogame, I now see myself losing interest within a half hour of playing. I look over at the binder I used when I was a senior in high school and there are more Sega Dreamcast logos and games in it than actual school work. I'm trying to think back whether I loved the system as much I loved loving the system. That passion is not inside of me anymore, even my infatuation with The Room was just a crush compared to my "oh no I got her pregnant I guess we'll try to make this work" that I had with the Dreamcast.
I remember I beat the game Shenmue within a week of buying it, I looked at the game clock and it turned out I had put in over 20 hours into the game in that week. This is with going to high school and working a part time job. This means that anytime I wasn't at school or work or handling my bodily needs I was playing that game. A couple years later I tried to replay it for old times sake and within a half hour I was all "F this S" and threw my Dreamcast back into storage. And its not that my tastes have evolved, because they haven't. The only thing I've learned in 10 years is heartbreak and that doesn't do much to raise your standards for excellence.
I'm staring at the intro movie for Dead Rising on Xbox, it's been playing for a while because I've been trying to make this thing readable. But also because I don't currently have the strength to start playing the game right now, partially because its a fustrating and broken peice of garbage that doesn't let you save your game... but also because I don't have the same kind of love that I used to for videogames.
Things that I am losing interest in: Making Videos
I enjoy making dumb videos, but I used to live for making dumb videos. I spent 2 years of my free time working on a crappy cartoon that everyone who saw it openly hated. My step brother said "I'm going to be sick, shut it off" when I tried to show him what I was working on. I got older, I got better and learned how to tell a story, but I lost that urge to produce. I still make videos, but especially with Sleepy Cricket gone I don't have the drive I used to. Where is this coming from? Is it just the aging process and me becoming a more diverse person? Or is it low reward to time involved ratio taking its toll on me?
And maybe I am losing interest in these things because I am realizing what a choad I was when I was into them. When I was playing videogames I was an elitist prick, especially when someone would start talking about Madden or Goldeneye or anything else that was popular and social within MY interest. Was my interest in making videos fueled by having it be a domain where I could be exclusionary? Partially... I don't know, I've had a rough week at work and maybe this isn't the best time for self reflection.
Things that I am losing interest in: People
I am not what we call a popular guy, especially when my head was up my behind in high school. In fact I would do anything for a real friend, I had school friends and work friends but barely any come over to your house and play friends. Slowly things started to fall into place and it was exciting, but now I'm usually too tired for them. I used to talk forever with my friends on the phone, pushing my phone's rate plan on occasion. Last month I was on my phone for 58 minutes, and if I looked into it most of that would be work or mother talk. My rollover minutes are in the thousands because usually when I get a call I ignore it then respond by text or facebook because I'm just too tired (or AT&T doesn't give me a signal because they are terrible). I say its tired now but on a well rested day it would be too something else; too busy, too lonely, too bored... I just don't have that desire that I used to for hanging out.
This might be also due to a lot of the people in my life getting either family'd up, career successful or just plain douchey. It seems like a switch was flipped in the summer of 2008 which cut out a lot of my friends list from people who I actually want to be friends with. But I've replaced them; replaced them with stronger, faster and better people; but the quality/amount of time I'm spending with them is no where near the amount I spent with their crappier predecessors.
I'm in a rut in a couple areas of my life, and maybe that is infecting my interests and passion for videogames, making videos and my friends. But I'm in a position where that rut is kind of untreatable at the moment so I will do as Dr. House says and "treat the symptoms, and go get me some vicodin." I plan on treating the symptoms by being purposeful about my free time; when I'm playing a game I'm going to try to invest myself in it and not stop till the game is completed. When I get off my couch and shoot a video, I'm not going to stop at "good enough" I'm going to stop when it's "great" and as for you and me dearest friend: We are going to be besties for the resties. Next time I try to weasel out of a play date you need to force yourself on me like me on an available female (20% kidding*).
Ok I'm done. My Xbox is making a lot of noise and I'm probably going to play Dead Rising for an hour before my character dies due to some glitch and I lose all my progress because the game has a terrible save system.
I think I'm going to start doing some of my posts in series, this is the second entry in the I WILL NO LONGER series where I give up stuff in order to make my life more livable.
"Have you heard of this terrible movie called The Room"
- Me, every conversation for the past year and a half.
The Room is a movie made almost entirely by one man who does not understand how a movie is made. The failures are on every level starting with premise (his, based on a play/novel or something), script (his), setting (a hastily put together apartment stage), direction (his direction, using two very different types of cameras with little consistency of focus, white balance or even resolution), and of course acting (with him as the lead and a bunch of the most random people ducking for cover throughout the movie).
The guy is Tommy Wiseau and the movie is The Room. I am not here to talk about the movie, I am here to talk about my love for the movie and how I finally learning to let it go.
THE ROOM TRAILER
Multiply that trailer out by about 50 times with 3 and a half softcore scenes and you have The Room. But again, we are not here to talk about The Room, we are here to talk about my love of The Room.
I heard about The Room from an entertainment weekly article and used a file sharing website to obtain a copy of it for myself. I played some random iPhone game during the first screening, and with no other plans for the rest of the evening I played it again as soon as it was done. It was terrible, from top to bottom. And as an amateur video person (oh you'll be seeing some stuff in the future) I can appreciate terrible. In fact I believe in a couple years that the population as a whole will acknowledge the fact that crap is the new awesome. The Room was a special kind of terrible, not just in quantity but in caliber. It is almost hypnotic in its awfulness.
So I watched it probably 5 times on my own, then I roped my friend Eric into it. Despite being very resistant to it at first he eventually watched it and felt like we could contribute something to cult of The Room.
The Room 2: Even Roomier
That. Just. Happened. I'm sorry if you hit the play button, but believe me that it hurt me more than it hurt you. Most of the lines were ripped from the movie, because while I'm not a writer, english is my first language so I couldn't replicate Tommy's style without copying him verbatim. This required a lot of viewings, most of them alone in my mother's basement, which even Tommy Wiseau would say is the worst way to watch The Room. Oh and I just found out the video got mentioned poorly in a Times UK article:
So from then on every person I would tell about The Room I could also give proof of my love of The Room by telling them about my homemade sequel. Eric and I planned a sequel to Bloodsport but we couldn't find the love and I couldn't get Jean Claude's abs if my life depended on it.
Tommy Wiseau singing his version of "A Whole New World"
This valentines day I took a spur of depression trip to Chicago to see "The Room" with introduction and follow up Q&A with Tommy Wiseau. It was nuts. Sadly I had been up since 5AM that day so I didn't stay after to shake his hand and tell him he's my favorite customer. I ended up falling asleep in a gas station somewhere in Indiana on the way back. Briefly that night/morning I thought I was going to be raped, but no matter how hard I blew my whistle no one came.
Enlisting some friends and enemies, I've driven over 1320 miles in various subsequent trips to see The Room in the same grody theater. Here is a pic from the latest trip:
The Dark Side of The Room
Despite the awfulness of The Room and the insanity of its front man Tommy Wiseau, every viewing or discussion I have about movie leaves me with an increasingly hollow feeling. Where excitement used to be now there is exasperation, and I think its mainly due to my tank being empty in regards to the movie. I've said everything I need or can say on the subject. When Sleepy Cricket butchers a Room quote in my general direction I now just roll my eyes instead of trying to salvage the scene that he is trying to recreate.
When he got me riled up to film another sequel/prequel to the movie (and grow out the beard again) I did so with my usual (slightly obsessed) determination but without the passion. Days later when Sleepy Cricket dropped the idea I was actually happy, unlike my feelings about his other aborted video project he's wrapped me into.
The Room is his now. Literally The Room is his, I gave him my copy of the DVD and I don't plan on seeing it again. I believe SLEEPY CRICKET and the other 30 people I've infected with The Room will be good stewards of the film. They will spread the movie's legacy like a tapeworm spreads its tapeworm babies. Or are they clones? I don't know how tapeworms work and my Internet is being awful so I'll leave it to you to look up.
Finally I think I'm done with The Room, not just to me being over it and SLEEPY CRICKET taking the reigns, but because the bros are starting to catch on to it. I have always been a trend setter, not that people look up to me because people are naturally disposed to hating me (it's a family thing). But me and my fellow "trend setter/people haters" have brought The Room into their lives, fallen in love, learned and fallen out of love with it. Its time for it to be passed on to the bros. They will run it into the ground and I will be able to move on. Maybe this time I won't move on to some fringemovie, maybe I'll move onto something real. Like a skill or talent. Maybe I'll move on to the "Piano for Dummies" computer software I bought last month. Or maybe I'll move on to a similar waste of time such as this blog.
Alright I'm done. Done with this post. Done with The Room.
Gadget 
I walked towards your room to see that your computer was on with the Disk Boot Error you drunkenly described on my voicemail last night. I probably could have troubleshooted this issue over the phone with you but your state of being and "Ignition Remix" by R. Kelly playing loudly in the background made it seem like a bad time for tech support. When I found this computer for you at the salvation army after you spilt Mike's Hard Lemonade on your old one, I might have mentioned it was a bit older than what your parents bought you. For some reason a shareware copy of Duke Nukem was in the 3.5" floppy drive of your computer, this causes the computer to try to boot from the floppy disk upon start up because it is first in the boot sequence. The shareware copy of Duke Nukem does not contain any bootable files such as an operating system. I hit eject on the floppy drive and your computer booted to Windows and now operates normally.
