I have a secret, you have to promise not to tell anyone

I'm serious, you can't tell anyone. It's gonna be a bunch of drama if anyone else finds out. Ok so I've been wanting to tell someone this for a while now. My secret is that Leonardo DiCaprio is a terrible actor. Yes I know it's crazy, but you have to believe me. I seen him act. With my own eyes. He is the absolute worst actor who has ever seriously thought they could act. I have proof. Look at the evidence before you disbelieve me:

1. Leonardo DiCaprio is a terrible actor because he looks like the 13th most popular dude at a small town high school:

Not the one that is popular because of his looks talent or dad owning a dealership, but the one who is popular because he is an ahole towards the non privileged for the 1-12 most popular dudes enjoyment. The one who practiced his stare in the mirror and took any and all opportunities to go shirtless, showing off the frame of a prepubescent boy.

Oh I remember how you ladies used to talk about the Allegan county equivelent to you Leo: "You know he may only be the 13th most popular dude at our small town high school but with his shirt off he looks like an anime character. And I saw this one anime with tentacle penetration. And by this one anime I mean EVERY ANIME."

2. I can hear Leonardo thinking every time he is on screen:

And it goes a little something like this:

"Oh look at me I'm Leonardo DiCaprio! Oh shoot what movie is this one? Oh they want me to be serious right now. I'm gonna glare at this dude. Step 1 Leo remember to furrow your brow. Think back to the day "Growing Pains" got canceled just a year after they brought you in for comic relief. Pretty sad. Thata boy Leo you are doing great! Oh shoot much lower paid character actors are acting at me... what am I gonna do? I'm gonna scream and pretend I'm in an entirely different movie they are, that will get the Academy to notice me! Oh Marty Scorsesse will be so proud of me. So proud. Hollywood might even throw me another Victoria's Secret girl if I do good. Ok for the rest of this scene I'll just do the same stuff I've been doing every move since "Gilbert Grape" and mentally repeat I THINK I CAN I THINK I CAN I THINK I CAN I THINK I CAN."

3. He is the only actor that gets cast in real (well funded movies), and he pisses all over each and everyone of them:

Adult movies don't get made any more, at least not at any reasonable budget. What gets made are products and franchises. I like products/franchises but when the last 2 rationale adults in Hollywood put some monies together on a decent looking film without a happy meal tie in, who do they bring in to ruin it? Leonardo DiCaprio. I get it... he appeals to everyone or something, but so does Dwayne the Rock Johnson and I would buy him as J. Edgar Hoover a heck of a lot quicker than that prick from the DEPAWRTRED (did I get Leo's Boston accent right? I hope so, I probably spent more time spelling it than he did practicing it).

Ok I'm done, this secret I have told you probably qualifies me as unAmerican or something. I hope whatever pictures this douche has of the 7 Scientologists that control Hollywood are dirty enough to warrant him ruining every decent looking movie released for the past/next 10 years.

Law & Order: SVGU

Ladies and gentlemen of the jury. Do not be fooled by the prejudicial remarks of C Minus. By the end of this trial, you will see that Call of Duty, not only, lacks suck, but rocks the house. Allow me to proceed to exhibit A:

Exhibit A: Look at all these guns

-2nd amendment. No further questions.

Exhibit B: Hey, stuff I can shoot!

-People have loved hitting things with like bullets, squares and barrels ever since...well, ever. Do you remember buffalo? Of course you don't, but they're the worlds greatest animal to have things propelled at.

Exhibit C: Cool, another one.

-Games that hit it big on the first release will live on for upwards of a decade in sequels or alternate tellings of the franchise. This is NOT the case with Call of Duty and of course its much improved, Call of Duty: Black Ops. It is not just a glorified map pack for $60. THERE'S AN RC CAR THAT YOU CAN DRIVE AROUND!!! I can't even wait for what they have planned for the next one. I hope it's like, Call of Duty: Future War and there's like jet packs and bubble shields.

In closing, the evidence stands for itself. Also, I don't usually post this much. I think I might throw up. Yup, I feel it come up my throat a little bit. Alright, Seacrest out...

YOU'RE IN THE MOVIES was ahead of its time

Older post: 50 Cent Blood in the Sand was ahead of its time

I think I am the only person who knows the following 2 secrets about videogames:

1. Call of Duty sucks

2. You're in the Movies is the most innovative game of the past 10 years

I could make a seperate blog dedicated to secret #1, but I think my time would be better served talking about fact #2.

This is You're in the Movies

You can get it right now using our Amazon banner ad for under 20 dollars WITH camera. Some would say the included camera is a piece of junk, but I think the camera knows what it is: A TOY. It is a toy camera used to make YOU'RE IN THE MOVIES the best group game of this console generation. Better than Rock Band, better than Halo X, better than 50 Cent Blood in the Sand.

This is You're in the Movies

Now imagine if I had friends and wasn't too lazy to get my fat circa 2007 butt off the couch. You do a bunch of awful wii like activities and it takes those movements out of context and makes them into a crummy little movie trailer. Theres like 30 trailers in the game AND if you feel like risking your xbox freezing you can even make your own trailer. Imagine the joy on your friends faces when the wii like games they have been playing for a half hour is turned into a video that you can blackmail them with. I haven't done it yet but I plan on committing a significant portion of my Christmas vacation to making it happen.

You're in the Movies is a buggy and kind of bad game, but it is one of my favorites for a couple of reasons.

1. It knows what it is- When you boot up You're in the Movies you are greeted with awful cinematic. This isn't winking at the audience awful, it is ZARDOZ awful. Fully commited to just going for it from the opening menu to the insanely long load times, to the terrible implementation of the game mechanics. I believe the great poet Popeye once said "I am what I am" and You're in the Movies gameonifies that statement.

2. It will put a smile on your face- No matter whether you are playing or watching, old or young, C-Minus or not C-Minus; You're in the Movies will put you in a better mood. That's what games are supposed to be about.

3. The price was reduced to 20 dollars within a month of it being released- As a video nerd I was interested in You're in the Movies as soon as I heard it was coming out. I then looked at the MSRP of 80 dollars and said gave them the ol' Will Smith but then I went to the store a week later and everyone had come to their senses and sold the game/camera at a loss for 20 dollars. And 20 dollars is what the price stayed at for 3 years.

4. Girls will enjoy it- This is more of an assumption because it does not require any skill. I haven't had a chance to test out this theory because women are either afraid of me or I have successfully made them believe that I am too mature and nonmolestery for videogames.

5. By playing it you will realize that motion gaming is a gimmick and not waste 150 dollars on the Kinnect- except for SLEEPY CRICKET because he is totally going to purchase one so I can play it. KINNECT PRO TIP: you need 6-8" of clear space in front of your TV to properly use the Kinnect, so unless you live in a warehouse or are batman it will not work in your game room.

"Can you go and get me a black friday item?"

Hey C-Minus. Thanks for coming over for Thanksgiving. It's really nice to have us all together as a family. Why don't we do this more often? Your girlfriend is lovely and suprisingly real. I was hoping that I coulde spoil the lovely dinner that I have prepared (ordered in) and ask you to go on a suicide mission to Best Buy for an iPod Touch with a 30 dollar gift card. It would be so easy C-Minus so easy. You could just go a couple minutes before the 5AM opening time and pick one up. Easy peasy lemon squeesy.

Oh wait... so you're saying that the item will be sold out by then? You are kidding me. You don't know! How would you possibly know? Oh wait you waited in line for me last year (19" TV/DVD Player) and the year before that (non-remembered thing that is probably broken by now). Bullcrap, I don't rmemeber any of that. MOM!

I already promised your nephew this item and even though I easy have enough funds to buy it at full price, that included gift card would mean so much to me. Do you know what that gift card would be used for? Probably nothing because I will lose it or give it to a person to show how well-off I am.

You know what? My father-in-law over heard my cries and said he would do it. He doesn't know what an iPod Touch is but he will get up at 4 AM to be there 10 minutes before the sale starts. No he won't miss out on the deal and get elbowed or trampled in the process... you don't know what you're talking about.

Ok you can go now. No not your girlfriend... just you. I still have mom to flip out on so we should be fine without you.

Thanks for coming, see you at Christmas!

-Sister

6:56 PM UPDATE: Yes I caved and went out and got the iPod Touch. Line was orderly with the exception of the SLEEPY CRICKET twins. At this moment sister will not answer her phone to confirm that A. She didn't con father-in-law to get item and B. She has the funds to repay me.

I will post updates as events unfold.

Public appreciation. This is the carrot.

Things that I am surprisingly OK with:

1. Hot Dogs
2. The existence of Sarah Palin
3. Microsoft charging more for Xbox Live
4. Christmas stuff starting the day after halloween
5. Both my head and feet under constant attack from environmental hazards in my mother's basement
6. Holding in a bathroom break to finish this post just so I can get it done and move on
7. Revealing personal information through texting to enter contests or get coupons
8. Brushing my teeth while on the toilet
9. Paying at least a 40% premium on computer hardware and phone service due to the device being an Apple
10. Playing games on my touch screen phone on the toilet
11. Leaving an extremely loud scream as a voicemail message
12. Advertisements on Xbox Live
13. The Cash Advance Industry
14. Talking about my feelings
15. Ignoring the news

Maybe tomorrow I will talk about 15 things that I am surprisingly not OK with, or maybe SLEEPY Cricket will post, or maybe I will win the lotto and purchase the Internet... with my first ownership decision being to make every site about dead cats. All of the above listed things have an equal chance of happening.

KEEP IT EASY!

The positive Work Wife reviews Management Material.

My work wife Gadget would like to relay some thoughts about the most recent of my video projects, please sit and listen attentively to what she has to say regarding how I spend my free time.

So I watched Management Material this weekend. It was interesting, like a real movie. To be honest I thought you were just making this up as a reason to talk to me. But you actually did it, and before I even get started on my comments. Good for you. I feel as proud of you for making a video with a beginning middle and end as I do for Tyler Perry every time he makes a movie and sets his race back another decade. Have you ever seen a Tyler Perry movie? I feel racist for not seeing some of them in the theatre... but seriously the audience is so loud. And I'm not just saying that because they are black or obese white women (or both). I tried to see "For Colored Girls" last week and this woman screamed GET A JOB at one of the main characters, and then threw a 3 liter of Faygo at the movie screen when the character did not follow her instructions. This type of horse play is why Eddie Murphy stopped being funny.

I watched your DVD with my husband. Did I mention I have a husband? It's an exclusive relationship. At first I was scared that you had put something personal or indecent in the video to offend me but then I watched and realized that you put many things personal and indecent in the video with the goal of offending everyone. It's nice to be just a innocent bystander of your awkwardness instead of the primary target. Sometimes I wish we could hire prettier girls at our work place so you would have other people to stare/smell/"pssstt" at. One day you will find someone special, maybe she will be a temp employee who hasn't been warned about or maybe she will be that obviously photoshopped female in the picture you have on your desk. I think I would believe that you had a girlfriend more easily if you didn't trot out the picture every time you need to say something you did wasn't sexual harassment because you are "spoken for."

It's hard for me to comment on the acting in the movie as it was so inconsistent that I couldn't really see what you were going for. But of all the people involved I feel the most pity towards the young woman in the third segment. I feel like I understood what she was going through during the taping of her scenes. It's like you told her that you had a neat part for her to play, and then she comes over and realizes that its pretty much a transcript of one of your embarrassing encounters with her. I think she could have cut down on the amount of lines to memorize if you would have just rewrote the scene of have you knocking her door then her blowing a rape whistle for 3 minutes straight until the episode ended. I think that situation would be clever and also serve as a good lesson to any woman who sees you at her door or cubicle.

I feel like I've went off on some weird and off putting tangents in this review, but I also believe that is fitting for the 30+ minute movie you asked me to watch. You took a 30 second idea and ballooned it to a length that not even skilled actors and filmmakers could support.

In summary the movie was:

• playable on my DVD player
• had stereo sound
• was primarily in English
• widescreen presentation
• full color

If I were to only consider the above criteria for a review then I would say that your project was a success.

Also I've passed this DVD along to the HR Coordinator, please pack your things into one of that boxes that Staples delivers copy paper in.

Gadget.

Wait...When Did We Get a Podcast?

Le C Minus says we got one and I'm excited about it, but I don't know how to use it. I guess there's a button somewhere? Hold on, I'm stepping out of the blogosphere for a second.

Nobody read the stuff in the parenthithings.. ..
(Psst, hey, C Mad Money. When are we doing this pod thingy? I'm sorry about using this as a message delivery system, but I don't think we have to worry because only our mommas check this regularly and they follow directions well. In fact, I'm going to start mentioning stuff I want for Christmas every so often. I'll be so surprised. I might just start putting my grocery list up here too. Anyway, podcast is a go for doing...of, it...ok, headin' back)

Now where was I? Oh yeah, buttons are funny, right? No. Ok. I'm going to go level my Pikachu...

My beard is dead, LONG LIVE MY BEARD

With the Management Material saga completed I was finally able to shave. While there are many good things associated with my baby fresh and baby fat face, here are 5 things that I will miss about the beard:

1. Concealing my grotesqueness. Having a beard made it seem as if my chin and jawline was well defined. It also made my double chin look less doubley.

2. Just the right amount of "I don't give a crap" A beard can show your viewers that your time is too valuable to shave your entire face but you aren't too busy to keep the neck clean (don't ever grow a neck beard ever).

3. It is a talking point. For the past month and a half if I needed something to get the conversation going I could just reference the sweater my face was wearing. If I needed a joke than the punchline could always be my beard. Having a beard is like having the Helen Keller card in Apples to Apples, 100% right answer for any possible topic.

4. Keeps my skin clean. While my beard got touched a lot by me and those that I allow to pet my face, my actual skin was kept reasonably hands free, which allowed my skin irritations to get a couple months off from their tough job of ruining any chance I have of looking like the girls in the magazines. So on my 4th day beard free my skin is still feeling and looking like I'm in a Noxzema commercial.

5. It retains the flavor, smell and humidity of the last 12 hours of my life. Having a beard is like having a facial DVR. If I want to recall a soup or the smell of that pair of underwear I found in your bathroom, all I have to do is pull my beard over my nose, tweak my nipple, and sniff. I am immediately transported back to when the incident took place through the use of my beard's retaining powers and my disturbing attention to detail.

I might write some bad stuff about beards later... my face still kind of hurts from shaving a couple days ago. And yes I know my face is just hurting me but it's killing you.... shut up or I will give you an eskimo kiss with 2 days of sharper than a tac stubble.

Expedited Emotions is now a PODCAST!

Another thing to follow/another thing to ignore:

iTunes Link: http://itunes.apple.com/us/podcast/my-podcast/id405186297

Non-iTunes Link: http://feeds.feedburner.com/expeditedemotionspodcast

Right now its going to be a dumping ground for some of my creative works. Maybe SLEEPY CRICKET and I can talk about the automotive industry for an hour or something... but no promises!

Management Material 4- Management Off

EP 1: The Stance

EP 2: Small Talk

Ep 3: Driven

And there we have it. A conclusion to the show that at the same time is both rushed and overlong. Enough of this negativity though because its time for...

POSITIVE Random Thoughts:

The first facebook comment on the last one was regarding COSTAR not acting, it was because he was driving and because I needed him to just spit out what I wrote for him. In this he has a little bit more to do and did very well. I guess the question is what is acting? Is it making someone believe you or is it fulfilling what the director/important person wants of you. If it is the later then COSTAR is a great actor, if it is the former then my no budget-few crew Internet videos are not an appropriate place to judge him on his acting ability.

Cut out a minute and a half which was supposed to take the characters from the girl's house to the managers house. It was unwatchably choppy and terribly lit. I think the holes are filled in through out the episode but here is what happened.
1- Eric leaves in car
2- Leaving in a hurry he hits someone crossing the street (B who had all of his stuff removed but played stunt double for a lot of stuff in this ep). During the argument C Minus hops in his trunk.
3- Eric uses C Minus' wallet with business card to find Manager's house
4-100 Are in episode

I tried to shave quickly after all of my character's lines were done but my razor broke and I had about 4 pounds of hair on my face. It is very awkward shaving in someone else's bathroom, especially when 2 people are waiting on you.

Yes I know the video is 12 minutes, I think it is a fast 12 minutes though. COSTAR Recommended cutting it into two but the only good place to cut would be right before the management off which would have left the first chunk without much actual action and left me more time to pick my writing/acting/camera work apart and never release either of them. The more I wait on a project the less likely it will actually get done.

I think I finally trained COSTAR to fight through any time/attitude problems or sickness he is dealing with and just do what I tell him. He did not recommend finishing the shoot on another day, probably because he was eager to get his hair cut and felt weird shooting a video at his mom's house.

Yes I know I'm ripping off Scott Pilgrim during the competition. Also shut up.

I'm still debating on whether that handshake is too hot for facebook or not.... time will tell.

What will our next project be? Preferably some one-off videos where I can take my time during shooting and not worry about consistency of wardrobe, time of day or beard styles.

Anonymous Laundry Person

Dear lady that left your clothes in the dryer,

I accept your apology for putting us in this awkward situation where I had to handle your..."delicates"...I mean, it's not like I had a choice? Ok, sure there was that one dryer with all those towels in it, but there is no way I'm going to take the chance of being seen as one of those weirdos that goes around touching other peoples towels, it's just gross. I suppose there was that 'other' dryer, but that thing is like 20 years old and I couldn't recognize the brand.

I regret to inform you that there is a deeper issue than your poor timing of laundry retrieval. As I was moving your clothes one by one, making sure not to drop any mind you, I noticed that you may, in fact, be wearing the wrong bra size. Noticing that your bra size is 32D and your blouse size is 10, it's obvious that you should actually be wearing a 34C. The top size is, of course, the more precise measure of your back size. This should result in a much more comfortable ride along with an increased protection of your bra size.

As a word of caution, just remember that elasticity cannot be improved once the resilience is lost. Get yourself checked.

HappyTape #2

Aww shoot, happytape #2. Stuff coming from the 3rd management video and a christian workout video that costar and I did stuff for in 2008. We are going to try and tape the 4th and final management video tomorrow and I am sort of anxious about it. I just want it done and funny so we can move one. Once I put them all together it will be of comparable length to the UNTITLED MOVIE PROJECT that I am no longer bitter about. I think the differences in each of the situations kind of reflect the differences in the people putting them together. But you know what now is not the time for analysis, now is the time for happiness. Enjoy the video before YouTube mutes it.

"And I'm Done."

This was going to be another story inspired by my favorite phrase, but after I typed the title I paused to use the restroom. My cat was in there, and we don't have any secrets so I just went in front of him. When I was done and cleaning up he gave me this wink that weirded me out, so I feel like I need to finish this post and get out of the house as soon as possible. ENJOY THE ETIQUETTE LESSON!

If you are my friend you have probably heard this. I say this when things are going great and I want to end them

that way, I say this when things are going crappy and I need to eject myself from the conversation. Signifying a clean break, a signal that is ignored 99% of the time, but a signal none the less. Kind of like a yield sign that everyone ignores until some teen driver needs an ambulance.

I am all about the ending. I have a couple rules for how I like to end things, and since I don't know where to take this post I'll talk about them now.

Thanks for coming! I will acknowledge that whatever activity/conversation/exchange of money for services that we did just happened. Whether I liked it or you were too rough, I will give you the indication that it was bearable.

When will I see you again? Whether or not I smelled your hair during our time together (I totally did, and you totally use thermasilk); I like to know when we will be in each other's presence again. Maybe because it's because I'm anxiously counting down the time until I get to hang out with you again, maybe its too mentally prepare myself because you annoy me; that part is not important, what's important is that I have an idea on when its happening.

Goodbye Don't you walk away from me. I'm not your mother. We will re-enforce to each other peace and then walk away and resume our individual lives. I'm not trying to french you, just tell me thanks for coming and thanks for going so I can be done with you. You know what happens when you walk/run away before saying goodbye? You leave it open for awkwardness, and at 27 years old I'm too old to be thinking "Did I just piss that guy off?"

Clean Break GTFO. It is time for you/me/this to be over. I freaking hate people who don't know when to leave. If we are friends please tell me respectfully if I am being that guy. I feel every-single-one of my 27 years today and I don't have time to awkwardly look at you, then the door, then at you again, then nudge my head towards the door. There is a time a time for love, a time for hate. A time for peace, I swear it's not too late

And those are some of my rules about saying goodbye. I think that about wraps up this post, I hope to see you in 2 days when I post again, possibly sooner if SLEEPY CRICKET goes AWOL. I had a really nice time typing this to you and I hope we can do it again sometime. I'm not telling my girlfriend about this post so please don't mention it to her. It'll be our secret, just between you and me, nothing weird about that. No you can't tell your mom about this? What does your mom have to do with anything? I don't tell my mom nothing and I believe the deniability that I have given her about this situation is the best gift a son could give. Oh what? You want to get the police involved? Otsego has like 2 cops and they answer to me!

I'll be seeing you when I see you.

C MINUS

iSkate

Management Material- Driven

Episode 1- The Stance

Episode 2- Small Talk

Episode 3:

Random Thoughts:

- Always exciting to have someone new aboard the video train. A+ would work with again. My costar mockingly told her that she was a professional but she kind of was. At least in the sense that she wanted to emerge with a decent video and was willing to work to achieve that goal.

- This came at the end of a very full week of work and other activities. I was exhausted going in and barely standing coming out of it. Most of my lines are screaming which takes a lot out of me. Along with keeping track of getting all of the lines covered and making sure no one is using the zoom function on the camera.

- I forgot to put in 1 really important line, I could have put it in but it's past midnight and I have to get up for stuff tomorrow so forget it.

- I was really hoping my costar would have gone through the script and fixed his lines, but he didn't so he is stuck with the clunky sentences and exposition that I write for myself. I came up with the idea and wrote the only draft of this 5 page script in under an hour. Booyah.

- I really hope I can wrap this up with the next episode. The way I have it worked out in my head I need an old man and that's about it. I think my costar and I are wanting hair/beard cuts and we are being held back by our desire for consistency. Also the pants I am wearing in these are extremely tight. I hiked them down towards the end of the car scene in hopes there would be back cleavage as I got out of the car, but sadly there was nothing but a bit of midrift.

- Just saw Due Date and it had funny bits in it, but it didn't really flow well as a movie. I really hope that Robert Downey Jr. actually spit in that dogs face though. It's funny that most of that took place in a car and there was a misguided guy with a beard. That's probably where the similarities end. I wish the movie would have stopped briefly in vegas and did a brief cross over with the Hangover (with Zach Galifanakis playing both characters)

- Debating whether or not to expose any coworkers to this beyond the wives. One of the wives got a much better job and this is her last week. Her presence will be missed.

- I already regret putting the hula hoop footage in this

- The goof reel on this is better than the actual episode.

- We were all freezing while making this.

- I had one of my friends set to be camera man on this but I was too lazy to call and keep track of him for the evening. I really wanted a more traditional and slower editing style but with the camera people being in the skit and no one remembering lines it looks like it was spliced together with a machete and duct tape.

- There was a much worse cut of this done and ready to export til iMovie crashed and I had to restart. I think it's a better video for it although I would like that couple hours of my life back.

- I get a bit direct when making these things. I will never ever be compensated for my work and this hobby will only be tolerated for another year or two so I just need to focus on output. I would actually be very interested in starting a video club for college plus, with multiple video makers doing their own thing but meeting once a week as a homebase to see who wants to help with what. I did a group like this for youth for 2 years and it was really tough because not only was I the only one responsible for putting it together I also had to motivate/educate and keep control over a group with various levels of interest in actually making something.

- The more I think about the line I forgot to put in the more annoyed I am because a line towards the end clarifies that line which is no longer present and doesn't quite make sense now. It can be assumed it was in there which is probably how I forgot to put it in there in the first place.

- The quantity of random thoughts on this can be attributed to youtube taking its sweet time processing the file so I can embed it into this post.

"I should do a lot of things"

This week I'm trying to write little stories inspired by phrases that inspire me. Here is number 4, not so much as a story but a rant but this is really one of my favorite phrases so enjoy:

I am a unique and beautiful snowflake, just like you. But when you see a for reals snowflake like the ones that came down tonight, do you ever say.

"Hey snowflake! I think you should melt and become water. You would be so great at being water, you would taste great and also help plants grow instead of helping plants die."

I don't think I would say that to a snowflake because I don't know any snowflakes well enough to advise them on major life decisions. That being said here are some things that I "should do" and why I won't be doing them in the near future.

1. You should be a teacher.

I won't becoming a teacher in the near future because I had a lot of young teachers and 90% of them were terrible. I am not saying all of teachers fresh out of the teacher farm are terrible but the great ones were ones that lived and had some significant amount of life experience outside of a classroom.

2. You should become an ordained something or other.

I think my previous works, show that I operate better as a concern citizen then part of an official part of a religious institution.

3. You should ask out my something or other

She's not interested or I'm not interested.

4. You should see the latest Saw movie

I'm watching last years version on Netflix right now and I don't think the updated stats, features or additional dimension added much. My gag reflex is being pushed to the limit as I type this and I don't think poorly implemented 3D or the guy from Boondock Saints would make it go down any easier.

5. You should play World of Warcraft

Darn it SLEEPY CRICKET I'm not playing that garbage. I have a job that pays me and I already hate myself for showing up everyday, now an unpaid version of this job without the work wives seems like an awful addition to an already sketchy life.

6. You should be an actor.

And putting up with your suggestion will be my greatest role ever.

7. You should move in with SLEEPY CRICKET

I got unpaid church work to do and unmolded minds to meld. Give me another year or two and I will high tail it out of here. To Ohio? I don't know about that on.

8. You should go for a run

It's too cold outside! And I'm halfway through Saw 6, the Insurance guy is about to get abducted and put through some of Jigsaw's games. Also the first 3 Saw movies should be considered bad movies while the other 18 Saw movies should be considered bad deleted scenes.

9. You should stop doing the blog.

YOU WOULD LIKE THAT sleepy cricket WOULDN'T YOU!

10. You should have voted last week.

They got the health insurance guy and a janitor hooked up to a car battery or something with gears on it. How could I vote when the lives of two generic characters hang in the balance. I have no idea how this game is supposed to be played... they should really make a home version with a truth or dare variant.

"Pretty Vision"

This week I'm trying to write little stories inspired by phrases that inspire me. Here is number 3:

I have a unique gift that makes me special, rather my unique gift makes you special. I have the gift of PRETTY VISION and it allows me to see a prettier version of people. I must be careful with this talent, if I let it run free then I would be smiling all the time and trying to makeout with everyone instead of just trying to make out with Jon Puridy. To unleash this hidden ability I must first reach a state of calm and examine my surroundings. Then the following transformation takes place:

When I take off my glasses girls sometimes look at me differently. They are like "C Minus, your eyes are green!?!" And if you think I am pretty in PRETTY VISION, just imagine how I am seeing you. 7 years younger (if still age appropriate) and one spa trip more refreshed. In PRETTY VISION you are viewed under a soft focus lens as if you were Cybil Shepard in the TV show Moonlighting. It hurts my head to read in PRETTY VISION but I don't need to read, I just need to look at you. Look at a version of you that haven't lived as hard and hasn't ever ate anything not inline with the USDA Food Pyramid.

There is this girl who I work with, PRETTY VISION does a number on her. She seriously looks like an angel SPLICED (hi friend) with a precious moments doll. I look at her a lot in PRETTY VISION because I have to for two reasons. My workplace is too cheap to purchase me proper safety glasses for the shop floor (scanning parts for defects and recording inventory is near impossible in PRETTY VISION), and finally there is almost a whiplash like effect when going back to real life. Like jet lag or something. This girl has lived... and despite her relative youth every shot, every hook up, every day without properly removing her 4 pounds of make up, it shows on her face like the map of the world. She's dumb too but it's not SMART VISION, it's PRETTY VISION. When transitioning back to my normal camera angle I feel sorry for her. Sorry that she has to cover herself up and sorry that she can't see herself in PRETTY VISION.

While I'll never qualify to fly jets in the air-force, I am partially thankful for the freak accident that gave me the power of PRETTY VISION (sticking my tongue on 9-Volt batteries as a kid? my mom smoking while she was pregnant with me?), it has given me an alternative view of the world and it's people that is a wonderful vacation from the contempt and disgust I hold them in.

"Kinda weird but I'll take it"

This week I'm trying to write little stories inspired by sentences that inspire me. Here is number 2:

Hello and welcome to "kinda weird but I'll take it" the dating show made specifically for messed up people like yourself. Today our lucky lady is Shemane, and she will be choosing from three lucky bachelors. Gentlemen introduce yourselves.

Umm... hey.... SLEEPY CRICKET here. I will introduce myself with three important life facts. 1. I am hip. 2... .I am not invested enough in this question to continue.

OH TOMMY!

Hi my name is C Minus and I'm hoping you can be my plus. I enjoy walking, especially if I have a dog leash or your hand to hold. I am active in many volunteer and recreational activities. I would say I live a pretty full life and I could use someone to share it with. My goals are to not work where I currently work and not live where I currently live.

Lovely. Shemale, do you have any questions for our 3 very eligible bachelors?

Bachelors, judging by the sound of my voice. What would you say to me if we met at a casual location such as a nightclub or Jimmie John's.

Have you seen the latest thing I'm interested in? Oh you have? Well I'm not doing that so much anymore. (pulls out phone, puts on sunglasses, goes to sleep).

OH TOMMY!

Why hello there! My name is C Minus. How are you today? Wonderful. I'm recovering from a rough day at work/church/home/not home but I'm remaining cautiously optimistic about my situation in life. What brings out to Jimmie John's tonight? TURKEY TOM? ME TOO! While this place doesn't have real mustard, it does have alfalfa sprouts. Alfalfa, probably my favorite word that can be typed only homerow keys. Ok I'm going to go tell SLEEPY that I talked to a real girl. Have a good night!

Bachelors. Let's say we get into an argument about where to eat. I want Jimmie Johns and you want not Jimmie John's. Where do we eat and how do you discuss it with me?

Unless Jimmie John's is what Little Caesar's is calling the Hot N' Ready's now that they aren't 5 dollars, then I am not eating no Jimmie John's. How about this. I'll get a Hot N' Ready and you get your Jimmie John's and we'll eat it at my place while I play WoW and ignore you. Hey can you look in my couch for a little bit? My brother is missing a sock.

OH TOMMY!

Listen here Shamwow I'm working for you here. If you want Jimmie John's I'll eat Jimmie's John all night long if I have to. I will take every part of my body, personality or lifestyle that you don't like and file it down until I am the most generic person that no woman could ever be offended, challenged or loved by. So when's dinner?

You all sound like very experienced and loving men. Except the first and last ones. I actually wonder if bachelors have actually seen woman in real life or if they are just making calculated assumptions based on what they discovered while looking up "hot chick" in wikipeida. But if I am wrong and you have all had a relationship before: Tell me a little about your previous relationships.

Um... uh... so I've started skateboarding karate lessons. I figured learning one skill is a lot of work but if I just picked the parts of each one I liked Old Country Buffet style I could come up with something people have never seen before and would make it tricky for them to judge me on. Want to go to Target and get some Clearance T-Shirts after this?

OH TOMMY!

OH C MINUS!?!?!??!?!

....

....

Do I have to pick one?

Yes. You don't have to go out with them we just need to just announce it on TV and have some footage of you hugging.

Well I guess my life expectancy is best if I picked Bachelor #1. So I'll choose him.

Wait... what?

OH TOMMY!

Well thanks to everyone who participated, and good luck to all of you messed up love birds out there. And just remember he might not be prince charming and he's definitely "KINDA WEIRD, BUT I'LL TAKE IT"

Texas Journal

Dear Public Diary,

How are you? Shut up, I'm the writer.

So I flew into San Antonio and drove 3 hours west to Del Rio/Acuna. Along the way I had Little Caesars and found out that it is rather dangerous to peel slices of pizza apart while driving. Dangerous, but not impossible. I also littered 3 times, with napkins, totaling a fine of up to $3,000 had I been caught and adding to my illegal activity debit account.

I booked a hotel at the Hampton and it is tres magnifique. There's a pool outside, but I only brought one pair of jeans as my bottom wear, so swim trunks were definitely out. I didn't book in advance, so I had to leave and now I am typing to you in the Ramada the next day. I don't mind because that's the gamble we take when we rent a condo on the edge.

Today we went over the boarder to Acuna where our new plant is getting ready for production tomorrow. We have a new basketball hoop, which is cool, but irrelevant. We have one line up ready for production, which is cool, but is also irrelevant. Ya know what is relevant? Having a vending machines that accept pesos AND dollars. Man that trip was disappointing because it yielded NO Fantas from my tasteless bills.

Haha, I actually got 8 hours of sleep last night. I feel like I missed a day, but...there's this, "energy," I have. This power, it's...it's amazing! It'll be nice for a break, but I miss my 4 hours. They are likes my children and would die without my attention. Anyway, I gotta go. I'm really getting into this SVU with Kathy Griffin in it.

"Are you looking at my girlfriend"

The following is a one man one act play. You have my written and expressed consent to perform it any audition, community theater production or church talent show. But no tv, because I retain all television and animation rights.

(at a bar or church gathering)

Hey bro. Yeah you. I know what you are doing... and I don't like it. Part of me doesn't blame you but the part of me that aint my wang needs you to stop scrapping on my scrill. This don't gotta get physical but if you keep peeping; the blood is gonna start pouring. I worked hard for that chick man and I can't just have you here filling your eyes up for free. Fine man, you wanna play it like that? Let's take it outside then.

(outside)

Whew, it's cold here outside. Sorry about all that tough talk, she just really gets into it when I defend her honor, and lately no one's been attacking it so I gotta make up altercations to get her turned on. Actually would you mind going back in there and doing a bit more than not looking at her? Just get a little handsy, make it seem like an accident at first. Then I'll come in all big and bad and lay your creepface out. I mean but not really though, I do community theater and I'm really good at stage fighting. You'll be in control the whole time. What? Oh come on bro it'll be awesome, you might even get some digits out of it yourself! Just go in the side door and I'll follow in about 30 seconds.

(back inside bar or church gathering)

What the heck bro?! Thought I told you twice already, seems like the lessons I taught you faded faster than the black eyes I gave you. Don't give me that "what face" this aint no community theater production, I'm gonna gut you with this box cutter I found at work. It's got my coworker Steve's name on it so no one will even suspect it was me that sliced you. I'll do it man, all for the honor of my baby. That's right baby you wanna see me cut something off this guy don't you? Maybe take the removed appendage back home and use on whatever slot I'm not filling. Yeah baby you just keep getting yourself warmed up and I'll take care of this guy. (mouth's the words "come here" to other guy as he follows me out)

(outside)

DUDE THAT WAS SO AWESOME! You are an amazing actor, its like you are almost a lecherous dude in real life. Alright change of plans, I need you to smear this ketchup packet on your hands and then come back under the guise of you beating me in a fight. Then you just ask her to take you back to her place. OF COURSE SHE'LL SAY YES! Might be through tears but she'll be begging for it. Then when you are halfway through it I need you to give out some type of warcry in an octave or two high than your normal voice so I know its time. When I hear it I'm gonna barge in the room like I caught up with you guys... we are going to push each other around a bit then realize we are both in her bedroom for the same thing. Then we just go at it with each other romantically. Leaving her to just stand there and watch us and be all like "WTF?" Yeah... that'll show her.

Hey bro.... where you going bro. This plan's gonna work, we got her just where we want her. Why are you getting in your car? I can give you more lines? This'll be awesome. Fine douche have fun taking care of yourself tonight, gonna be the only loving you gonna get.