Chicken Soup for the World of Warcraft

*Warning* - Months after this post all the information in it will be outdated due to a new patch or class balancing. It won't even be good for reference. Get it while it's fresh.

If you haven't played WoW yet, you probably should. There's only so much of it left and at these prices, how can you afford not to join in on the fun!...Actually, it's quite pricey, but only on start up costs, opportunity cost & variable costs. All the other costs, like...freight and inventory carrying cost are very low...and such.

Why you should play?
1.Circle of friends - Friends for life for only $15 a month. Charlie would probably say that there's no reason to pay for friends. While I on the other hand would suggest that yes, there is a friend fee and it's $15 a month and you owe me $214 for back friend fees! And before he asks, I will tell him that I don't have 5 minutes and then kindly put a gun to his face.

2. Fun Nova - It's fun and not only does it energize you, but it hurts those against you. They'll see all the fun you're having while they peek through your windows at night and get secretly hurt that they are not having fun. Actually, they might be having fun, but I shun that fun.

3. Power Word: Teamwork - It's like the navy, but these skills are nontransferable to the outside world. The WoW experience can shape your future through outstanding financial benefits, unparalleled career potential, and the lifestyle of freedom and personal growth that you’ve been waiting for. Ok, I pulled that last sentence from the Navy website, but you get the point.

In closing, ya know, go out and get some....

A revised social contract between myself and every single woman*

*age appropriate and non-related woman

At the time of this writing (9/30/2010, 10:11 PM) I am in a relationship (with a girl). But enough about her, ladies* I'm here to talk about me and you*. I present to you* revisions to the social contract that was first published on October 10, 1996.

Section 5: I will say creepy things to you*

If you will refer to the previous social contract between myself and every single woman you will see that in section 5 I promise to say lecherous things to every single woman*, with a 70% chance that I am just kidding. That "just kidding" will be dropped down to 15% if the woman is actually interested in performing/pantomiming the disturbing thing I mentioned to the woman*.

Now that I am in a committed relationship the formula has been revised as follows:

When significant other does not know woman*

75% Chance I will say creepy thing to woman*

10% Chance that I am not kidding if woman* is interested

5% Chance that I am not kidding if woman* is not interested

When significant other knows woman*

50% Chance I will say creepy thing to woman*

25% Chance that I am not kidding if woman* is interested

20% Chance that I am not kidding if woman* is not interested

Do you like to camp? Because I'm pitching a tent.

Section 18: Agreement on music/movies/television

In the previous social contract it was said that my entertainment interests will be the exact same as the prettiest woman* within 50 yards. This not only is no longer the case and there is a 99% chance that every woman's* interests are wrong. Not just incompatible with my preferences, but straight up wrong.

Lady Gaga sucks. A Goofy Movie sucks. Glee sucks.

Section 47: Back-Rub Hug

As per the previous blog post, I regret to inform all women* and John Purdy that the gravy train is over. I still reserve the right to smell your hair.

Section 68: Paying for stuff

Please find section 68 in the Social Contract and rip it out because I aint paying for nothing.

Section 76: Hanging out at my parents' house

Women* are no longer welcome to hang out at my parents' house unless we have direct supervision. And we won't so you can't. Why do women* want to come over anyway? Netflix is only 9 dollars a month for streaming and it will run on any computer or current videogame system. You* certainly weren't coming over for the pleasure of my company.

Section 100: Having my baby

Me being in a relationship does not change the fact that I am going to put a baby in every woman* as soon as I figure out a way to do it that's not considered cheating. Look out ladies* you are about to be taking on some spawn.

Despite me being in a relationship (which will probably end when she reads this) and the fact that I am still going to put a baby inside either you or a woman* you love: I'm still the same guy. It's just the social contract and a couple of my motivations have changed ever so slightly.

I WILL NO LONGER be bitter about this: Untitled Movie Project

This was supposed to be funny and just turned out angry, I'm going to post it anyway. Sleepy cricket you know I love you so don't feels bad.

I consider myself a pretty creative person who has yet to find his creative outlet. Until I am struck by some type of talent or skill I will record things on my camera and put the on the Internet. In late 2009 I was sent this facebook invite by a "camp friend."

Recently I had lost a lot of my collaborators to old age (they got successful or douchey) so I was very intrigued by the offer. So I participated and slowly transitioned from "camp friend" to someone where if a mutual acquaintance were to see me they would be like "hey where's the other ones?"

But back to the movie, they had an idea (lesbians and a slob) and 1.5 pages of script (something about a girl flushing the toilet while the other girl was taking a shower) and were in know hurry to make any more progress on the script before enlisting every person they knew to help with production. I really didn't want to manage this thing but I laid down a firm "hold your horses" and together we camp up with a very rough but readable treatment.

Before I go on I should say what I mean by "together," it means me having to act like an a-hole to keep the other one away from World of Warcraft long enough for him to tell me at least the broadest idea of what he had in mind for structure. I would then write as he raided with his guild or something. A couple days later I had a rough draft put together, and despite the premise which I hated and the lack of input I was kind of proud of. It wasn't "good" but it was shootable and it played to the strengths of those involved.

"The script is not in the right format," is the answer I was given whenever I would ask when we would start shooting or doing anything productive towards actually making something. So 2009 turned into 2010 and in early January we actually shot for a day. It was halfhearted and no one was really in charge but it was a start and I felt good that we were actually getting something on tape.

After the first day of shooting everyone acting in the movie got haircuts and other bodily changes. With the smallest speed bump in the road our crew had lost interest and without the connections to the rest of the talent I was unable to pick up the scraps and get it done.

If the other half were even half as committed as I was to his idea then this would have been completed and embedded below for viewing. But he wasn't so here is a copy of the script:

Full Untitled Movie Script on GoodDocs

If I were to say one positive thing about myself it would be that I am a worker. I get it done, no matter how sloppy no matter how long it takes. And if I get other people involved I will walk to the ends of the earth for them. I was so excited about this silly little movie because for once I thought I could just work, I wouldn't have to rally the troops, I would have to sell the project to others, I wouldn't have deal with drama. I would just show up and do everything in my power to turn this no budget video project into something that we could all look back and cringe about. This experience was in the end a good one because it got me a new set of amazing friends but it drove me nuts at the time because this project leader has tremendous assets thrown at him such as the aforementioned amazing people and he pretty much just wasted their time on this.

I should not be angry about this. It's recreational time and its not like I would have been doing anything important if I wasn't involved with this. But I have wasted years of my life trying to make something happen either with my video projects, personal life, or career-wise and for the most part opportunities have alluded me... and forget it it just sucks to see someone with everyone having his/our back and not delivering... or even attempting to deliver. Am I jealous? Yes. Will I be bitter about it after I hit "publish now" on this post? NOPE.

Review: The Entire Halo franchise

I just completed the last bungie produced Halo game, so I thought I would review every game in the franchise based on their own merits without outside influences such as my Father-forsaken life affecting my score.

Halo: Combat Evolved (Xbox)

Such promise was shown in the first game in the Halo trilogy. Coming out during my freshmen year of college, Halo was ready to put the depressing 18 years of console first person shooters behind it with the new opportunities afforded by the unchaperoned freedom of the Xbox system. With the intro cinematic having an easy major and a cool roommate, the future looked bright for the rest of the single player campaign. Hopefully the campaign wouldn't stay single for long, as this girlfriend and disease free player 1 was looking to try the co-operative mode, especially with the super-long Xbox controller cords which would stretch all the up to a young nubile freshman's lofted bed.

But after a confident start Halo quickly had the rug pulled out from under it by the uneven difficulty and an awful neighbor named Tom who would only get joy from inserting himself into the player's life and ruining it from the inside. While the player's tactics would evolve, the end result of crippling depression and game over screens would persist until the player would look for cheat codes in the bottom of a bottle of cheap alcohol taken from his parents wine cabinet.

Halo: Combat Evolved 1/5

+ Nice Graphics

- Until the player grows a pair and faces his demons the game will be just as underwhelming as all the games that he has played before.

Halo 2

After dealing with the flood (of emotions, failures and zombie-esque mutated enemies) the Master Chief comes back to do what he did 2 years ago but even better. But what should have been an improvement on the 2001 original becomes just another case of learning the wrong lessons. Where as it was so difficult to find a co-op partner in the original due to women showing the worst parts of aggression and pity, Halo 2 introduces online competitive multiplayer. And where as more players are now available, the match-ups were for the most part hostile and unsatisfying for either party on any level.

Also there is noticeable issues with the new graphics engine. On top of the Xbox not handling bump mapping well, the characters begin to look bloated and dead-eyed due to poor diet/life decisions.

Halo 2: 4/5

+ Playing the same levels again as the enemy spartan think about the great joy that my enemies felt as they ruined my life

- Having to play the levels the first time as master chief, knowing that you will always be alone and your only companion will be an artificial one like cortana.

Halo 3

New system, but the same old game mechanics. Despite the underwhelming Halo 2 and crippling depression associated with it, I was hoping that Halo 3 would be an adult-mature experience. An experience that would fill the gaping hole left in my wallet and heart by previous games. Hopes again were dashed by the game being completely ruined by the system terminating me after 6 months of hard work and unpaid over time. The red rings of my game system was just a darker version of the pink slip that accompanied my final paycheck.

I would end up never using my copy of Halo 3 again as I lowered my standards and decided not to challenge myself in my future games or life goals.

Halo 3: 2/5

+ 4 years leading up to this cause the anticipation and excitement to be very high

- an abrupt ending to not only the game but my career in the advertising field

Halo Wars

Microsoft tries desperately to branch Halo out of the FPS genre. Despite my cries for a kart racer, they pick the toughest type of game to put on a console and then put it on a console. Despite my cries for someone to finally love me, my romantic partners continue to only provide services for direct payment. The money's on the table Microsoft, please don't leave until I have stopped weeping.

Halo Wars: 4/5

+ You have to appreciate how they ret-conned a ton of shit into the story to have this make any type of sense

- Despite the efforts to make this look like a Halo game it is nothing more than a reskinned Age of Empires 2 (not entirely a bad thing)

Halo 3: ODST

What was once going to be a downloadable add on turned into a full price game, which felt right up my alley as a person who was at one point was going to be successful but turned into someone who lives in his mother's basement. The game was slight in scope and lacked the spectacle of the previous entries in the series. Boiling it down it turns into what is essentially a greatest hits of the series, the tank level reminding me of the freedom I felt as I entered college, the sniper level bringing back memories of what it was like to be stabbed in the back by someone who I thought cared about me. The backtracking the same area 4 times recalling the feeling of making the same mistakes every single time a situation arose.

The only new exciting part was the firefight mode but due to the lack of matchmaking support I was left with playing with my only reliable co-op partners, my oily left and right hands.

Halo 3: ODST 5/5

+ Best Buy messed up my preorder and forgot to charge me for the game so any complaint I have can be answered with the snide remark "you get what you pay for"

Halo Reach

Based off of a book or something, Bungie's final Halo game serves as a prequel and a swan song for the Halo franchise. Great effort was made to make the characters feel like characters, which felt similar to my efforts to feel and demonstrate human emotions aside from rage and lust. Bungie's efforts in humanizing the Halo series where much more successful than mine as I still feel like I have the emotional depth of a roomba. And as the roomba repeatedly and hilariously fails at getting a floor clean, I repeatedly and depressingly fail at achieving any type of success.

Matchmaking multiplayer has been finally extended to cooperative modes like campaign and firefight, which initially got my hopes up. After a couple of tries though each game ended like most of my personal relationships, with the other party members calling me a homosexual slur and kicking me out of the room.

The post credit sequence where you randomly kick and flail until you are defeated for the last time gave me a nice look at what I have to look forward to in the coming weeks though, so that's nice.

Halo Reach 5/5

+ It's over

- This topic ceased being funny about 3 games ago and I no longer want to keep writing about it because it depresses me. Have you read this far? If so please comment on this article with the name of your favorite disney princess.

So that's my 100% fact based summary of the Halo franchise. It's been a turbulent 9 years Bungie, but despite the worthless college experiences, STI's and other failures; we are both still standing.

Inventory: Providing an accurate count of the reasons I hate this process

Of all the annoying things about having a big persons job, performing a quarterly inventory takes the cake. It's not so much as the actual inventory either (I looked at job responsibilities and it turns out 75% involved counting), but those who enjoy the inventory process. Here are some reasons why the inventory process is terrible:

1. Inventory happens on a Saturday

Not only is my Saturday ruined by inventory but also my Friday night as well. Instead of happy binge drinking because the week is over, I have to angry binge drink because there is an additional day of work left and one less day of not work to look forward to. Both types of drinking lead to the same place (outside a random person's apartment where I enebriatedly think a girl I like lives), but I'll be in two completely different moods butchering two completely different KC and Jojo songs.

2. The knowledge that Jason is not working

I like to organize everything I do by comparing it to what Jason is doing that exact moment. And last inventory according to my sources Jason was sleeping, fiddling with his projector, revising his amazon wish-list, and anonymously browsing online dating sites. Inventory rates as a distant second to all of Jason's Saturday activities which makes me the loser, a position I am growing more comfortable with through each passing day.

editors note: notice how Jason's activities do not include working this blog, although as of a couple minutes ago he asked for permission to allow his goon squad to post entries

3. The inmates are running the asylum

Now I am glad that workplaces acknowledge that real employees are too busy to take an active interest in counting stuff. But the fact that they give the gossipy-worthless staff a leadership role is downright insane. It's like if a city didn't have enough people to be cops so they let babies enforce the law. See a crazy person might hear this and say "Babies don't do anything worth a crap anyway so let's make them feel useful by giving them guns and the ability to pull me over whenever they are feeling cranky," but sadly the crazy person doesn't have to deal with unqualified and bratty children in a managerial position.

4. It's not real work, nor will it be treated as such

"In the land of the blind, the one eyed man is king" -Minority Report

It is absolutely ludicrous that I am the person commenting on the attitude and effectiveness of an inventory crew but crikey this is my Saturday we are pissing away. So when you decide to make a joke about what I'm doing this weekend (oh wait this is the weekend hahahaha) instead getting this inventory done, I have a problem with that. But then again why get out of work at a decent hour when you can spend 45 minutes with your work clique talking trash about current and former workers. "Do you know who used to really have me?" an inventory auditor asked instead of doing his job.... no I don't know who used to hate you, but I know who currently and forever will hate you: His name is ME and he is missing the farmers market because you don't have any friends in real like.

I'm only asking you to be an effective and efficient employee once a quarter for the Saturday inventory, come Monday you can go back to being a dillydallying douchnozzle.

5. THERE WILL BE DONUTS

You mean the company is going to spend 30 dollars so that we all can have a donut during breaktime? In that case I take back this entire blog post!

I Blame The Soap Companies

Ok, so there's this lady I work with that likes to bring in peppers & tomatoes in from her garden. So, not knowing what I would do with them, I took a ghost pepper, a jalapeno & a habanero. Now my grand scheme began by throwing myself a high society dinner by adding a habanero to my cup of Ramen.

Ladies & gentlemen, as it turned out, this was no gentle pepper. I understood that this pepper would be hot, but I had no idea it would take me down the back of an alley and rub it's juices in my face.

Now let me back up. There I was, cutting peppers, then I put them in the cup let them sit and then went to go wash my hands. Then I played some halo, touched my eye a little, and for some reason my eyes were just burning. Ok, so now I'm still cool, trying to just sit there, then I try to wipe off the burning with a part of my hand I didn't use to touch juice, but that didn't work either! It just smeared it around more.

At this point, I decide, "hey, I'll just take my contacts out because they might be hard to get out later." I washed my hands like 8 times and then I reached in to take my contact out. OH MY FLIPPING GORGEOUS, there's still like juice on my fingers, so I'm there cringing for about 3 minutes, then I bravely take out the other contact knowing the burn I'd face. There I was, the situation 10 times worse than where I started, so now free of those pesky contacts, I take a shot of milk, splotch it on my face and I'm as good as gold.

Until...

Alright, so I used the same contacts the next day thinking they'd be fine. Without taking anymore of your time, I'll just say that I had to get new contacts.

Anyway, same thing happened when I was about 14. So the old adage, "fool me once, shame on, shame on you. Fool me, you can't get fooled again," does not hold true.

In closing, I blame the soap the companies for not putting a warning on their bottles that says something along the lines of, "Won't clean hot pepper juice until the 20th time," or, "we're a lying stupid soap company and our cucumber/watermelon scented products are flipping bogus, however the scent is very nice." Yeah, something like that, but probably condensed.

I may be 3% to blame for sticking my fingers in my eyes, but ya know I'm sure it happens all the time.

Goodnight private diary.

The Retirement of Backrub-Hug

That's it I'm done. I made something beautiful and it turns out you ladies and Jon Purdy just can't handle it. But before I retire my favorite physical form of endearment. I would like to give a brief eulogy of the back rub hug:

The backrub hug was developed a couple of years ago and given a select group of people I care about (just women and occasionally Jon Purdy). To execute the backrub-hug you simply embrace in a hug then instead of just placing your hands on the back you lightly rub their back for just a second. Nothing creepy, just an additional layer of "I KNOW YOU" on top of an already nice gesture.

And that was my thing for a very select few women and Jon Purdy. And in the beginning it was nice. But then you ladies and Jon Purdy started being bia's about it. Everyone hugs differently; some people pat the back, some people caress the buttocks, some people smell your hair, and some people just stand their trying not to show physical signs of arousal. One time a guy hugged me and it didn't end until I was in the trunk of his car going across state-lines. For 99% of the populace I just hugged, and the additional ladies and Jon Purdy got that extra 1%.

But then it started getting out of hand. People who got the backrub-hug started forgetting that I did that and were all like "WTF?" and then people who didn't get it would be all like "WTF what?" Then the backrub-hugged would tell the non-backrub-hugged about the backrub-hug and then the non-backrubbed-hugged would have their feelings hurt about their back not being backrub-hugged.

It's a hug, not rock-paper-scissors. Society has taken something beautiful that I made and turned it into something sick.

I have given my last back-rub hug, and the last recipient didn't even appreciate it.

On The Beat - John Purdy - 9/23

This weeks OTB(On The Beat...idiots), goes to town hero and local legend, John Purdy or more formally Johnny Purdington or Jonathan Purdish. Ok, here it is...hmm...give me a sec while I peruse his Facebook...looks like there's some bowling going on 9/23...ooh, he had a second round job interview this week, I'll stay posted on that...there's some talk about baby's, I'm confused...a reliable source says he's not a good morning person...well, that's about it for now. More to come...

Drive Like an Awesome!

I know some of you out there aren't too thrilled with my driving habits, but there is a lot of person out there that would say otherwise (He may have been from China, but that is beside the point). I do consider it a duty to share my, "skills," with the human race as it would be a shame to let this, "talent," go to waste. Some or none have called my teachings, bold and extraneous, while I say losing 5 sec of your life at a measly stop sign or distant train is even more dangerous to your free time.

1. Time is of the essence - Possibly the most important rule of all. As the public continues to make driving more and more boring (i.e. texting ban, staying in the lanes, speed limits, etc.) it is important that we get done with it as soon as possible. What this means is that you can consider full stops out of the questions. This does require a great deal of hand eye coordination and extreme awareness.

2. Omniscience - Knowing where everything is at all times has its advantages on the road. If you don't have this, the next best thing is to approach the stop, look left, then turn right while looking right. And by Jove, do not stop...except if there's a kid on a bike smoking pot or something of that size, then stopping is acceptable.

3. GPS - In this hyperdriving state, one should not be expected to also process silly information like directions. Instead, use a GPS device to control all your actions. Do not question it or your thoughts will betray you. If by mere 1 in 10 chance it has you taking an odd direction, then LET IT. It is connected to satellites and the internet! Do you think you're smarter than the internet? No, so shut up and drive through that bowling alley!

4. Cops - Yeah, they're doing their job which is part of the game, so let them and assume they'll pull you over for anything and everything. If monetary risk is your concern, consider this; Suppose 2 women drive over the course of a year, 1 committing 100 minor traffic violations and the other 1,000. Using the rule of, "life is unfair," it is undetermined how many tickets would be doled out, but if each got one ticket the amortization is obviously 10x less for the slowbie with 100. Personally, with the bank of traffic violations I've banked, once I do get a ticket, it'd only feel like it cost me a nickle...

5. Have fun - It may be heavy machinery, but that doesn't mean you can't accelerate really fast or do emergency brake g-turns in your parking lot. One day when you're in your death bed, do you really want to think back and say, "Gee, I drove good, go me." I sure don't. I don't even say, "gee."

6. Fail - I've been hit by a car once, so I'm not due anytime soon, so if you can get one of those in you, then you're all set. If you've been accident free or shocked by my methods, then you're going to fail anyway, so stick with it until you can't fail anymore. There's plenty of normies out there anyway, so they're highly predictable and easy to avoid.

The bright side of SLEEPY CRICKET no longer living near me.

SLEEPY CRICKET does not live near me anymore due to his professional success and the failure of Michigan's economy. Economy. Everyone I hear say that word in real life is an idiot who does not know what an economy is. Usually they are trying to sell me something or make me do something. Like go back to school, "C Minus the economy is terrible so you should go back to school and be a ______ (insert their hope and dream in that blank).

Anyways. One bright side of SLEEPY CRICKET not living near me is that I can be more productive with my free time. See my youth is like a rapidly draining hourglass. I've wasted too much time, and while I don't consider my time with SLEEPY CRICKET and his crew wasted... it could be better used writing my state representative.

"Dear Representative Fulton Sheen,

We do not need people like SLEEPY CRICKET wasting our public resources. If you seen this goon drive then you should know that he does not utilize the city/state traffic lines or rules, he also has no respect for your position in government as he has not voted for you once. He might try to explain this away by not being registered in your district but he could have moved and changed his registration to Allegan County.

Good Riddance to Bad Rubish,

Your Good Friend C Minus"

See if SLEEPY CRICKET were still around I would be just be wasting the past 5 minutes on a holiday video instead of impacting my local leadership. Let us all take a moment to think of things that we can accomplish with the spare time that SLEEPY CRICKET has left us with his departure.