The EE Famous People/Movie Awards 2010

Welcome everyone to the Expedited Emotions Famous People Awards. We at the awards have viewed every single piece of media created in 2010 and would like to reward those who have been exceptional in their work. Without further delay let's hand out some well deserved awards.

Best Visual Effects- Splice

Many movies in 2010 had bigger budgets, but Splice had the biggest balls and showed it in it's depiction of Dren. Where as a lesser movie would have accomplished the human alien hybrid though CGI, Splice actually asked an actress to cover her normal bits with makeup and her naughty bits with nothing. Is bad makeup and gratuitous nudity a special effect? Yes, it is the most special effect on earth.

Best Direction- Splice

Many would highlight David Fincher for his technical mastery in The Social Network or Darren Aronosfky for the depths he pushed Natalie Portman in Black Swan. For the Expedited Emotions Famous People Awards we took a look at what the director had to deal with. Some directors direct actors, some direct animals; but only ... the guy who directed Splice directed Human/Animal Hybrids. On top of that he had to tell Adrien Brody and that one girl how to act like the dumbest scientists in the world. With all of those variables the fact that Splice has a beginning middle and end is nothing short of a miracle and we would be the second dumbest scientists in the world if we gave the award to any other movie.

Best Screenplay- Splice

At first the thing is like part of an animal and one of the scientists. Then its a otter looking thing. Then it's a little girl baby thing. Then its a naked woman thing that gives male members of the audience inverted boners when they think about the sexual acts which will no doubt be taking place at all of the convenient act breaks. And then it turns into a murderous man thing that wants to be "in....side....you." How can we give this award to anyone else? This doesn't even take into account the hastily thrown in subplot of the female scientists mommy issues.

Best use of 3D- Splice

The best use of 3D is the non-use of 3D, and in this regard Splice is the only non-3D movie released in 2010 so it is the obvious winner.

Most deserving of a direct to DVD sequel that I will see on Netflix streaming one day and get super pumped about- Splice

Oh man, I promise you Splice 2 will come out in the next couple of years. Anyone who would potentially have to be paid a lot has been killed off, and there is always Splicey looking models looking to break into acting on the cheap. If Splice 2 is not made in the next 2 years then I will produce, write, direct and star in it myself.

Thanks to all of the nominees this year. Despite films being worth less and less in the audiences minds each day, what you do is important and we hope you keep pushing the boundries of good taste and naked alien looking things.

You can't make an omelet without breaking

OUT SOME DELETED SCENES!

Ok its not a scene it's 2 lines and its terrible. Speaking of terrible I am watching Operation: Endgame. It's got everyone of "THAT GUY!"'s from other movies and has them just improving vulgarities around a super low budget DVD spy movie. I'm wondering what actually made the actors say yes to this. Probably just an easy paycheck and a week of notacting. I guess the better question is why does this movie exist? Why did anyone give this guy money? I'm assuming the famous faces are enough to recoup the cost.. but why does it exist?

Did the guy behind this have a story he wanted to tell? I can't imagine so. Why does any piece of media exist? Why do I keep making my little videos that I am immediately embarrassed by? I don't think its completely an ego thing. I also don't think, at least in this project, it was some epic tale that I needed to get out of me. I have that epic. And I'm not going to tell anyone about it until I'm ready to do it. Oh forget it, its a less hacky version of Crash set in a liquidating Meijer-esque superstore. Instead of an examination of race it would look at class systems and values. In my head its pretentious as heck and I'm not working on it until it doesn't make me sound like a douche.

Movie update: Rob Coddry just killed the black kid from Tropic Thunder with a papershredder. It would have been cool if they would have had any type of effects/prop budget, but as with every movie made since Bourne it just cuts away or gets shaky.

I think I made Management Material to prove to myself that I still had it in me. It had been a while since I tried something serious... or seriouser than a holiday video. And it didn't turn out great but it had a beginning middle and end. I'm not some tortured artist, and I think thats why at the end of the day I can get something done. Where as others would cry after what they don't have I can usually put something together with what little I have.

Move update: That girl who is always the nemesis in romantic comedies just killed the blond pregnant girl from LOST with the blade of a paper cutter. It was better when John Stewart did it in the Faculty.

I'm now 45 minutes into the movie, I still hate it but maybe it was this dude's first gig writing/directing or whatever. Maybe this wasn't what he wanted to do but it was what was available. A stepping stone to something special. He'll move on from this one, to a slightly less cruddy one, and maybe if he doesn't loose his soul he'll make something real.

Movie update: Character just witnessed violence and asked the camera (POV of another actor) if it was appropriate to be turned on right now. I now have the urge to cut that running line out of Management Material or just delete the entire project to remove any association with this movie.