Analysis of the first minute of Dateable.

I usually will give an internet video about a minute to entertain me before I stop watching... thought it would be interesting to review Dateable based on the first minute of movie. If this wasn't my work I probably would click off it, which says more about my internet usage than the quality of the video.

:03- "Oh you are just getting right into it" That's right we are, there was 3 or so pages of setup for this thing that we just didn't have the shooting time or viewing time to work in. So it doesn't exist, and I think this is for the best. We are just cutting right into the awkwardness and the viewer can try to figure out with the actress what is happening.

:07- The terrible tone becomes apparent, all J's idea and it works for me. I showed one batch of friends and the sound made one of them visibly uncomfortable. As long as they are feeling something I will take it.

:31- The skinny trick is something I saw on vimeo.com video tutorials the night or so before shooting. Turned out ok even though I didn't properly explain it to anyone involved. And yes I know my head is reflected in the microwave.

:40- Actor appears. It would have had more of an impact if I didn't briefly cut to him knocking, but I needed that shot for transitions sake.

:48- The actresses line seemed a lot better in my head than it sounded spoken. I think if this situation happened in real life the woman would have asked him to leave, but I guess maybe a back story for this would be that she has experienced so many crappy guys/loneliness that she still might try to make the best of it.

52: Actor sounds like he is asking a question instead of telling her how it is, also I don't think I gave him specific instructions on what he should be looking at.

59: This line was only used as a transition, I thought about cutting to someone creepy in my parking lot, or a shot of me doing something creepy to lead up to my last minute addition to the movie.

Women, you are not allowed go on a date

Until You Read This.

"I am special. I am also pretty and smart and all that other crap. I am no one's second choice. I want someone to share adventures with and I want to grow with someone. If this doesn't work out I will be fine but I really hope this goes somewhere. I have proper places for the current people and situations in my life and there is room for a relationship. I am willing to work for someone, but I will not tolerate being treated unfairly."

If you can't read that and have it be 99% true then you are not allowed to go on a date. I forbid it. If you can not imagine the person you are going on a date with saying this then you are not allowed to date that person. I am your father and you will do as I say.

BUT WAIT THERE IS MORE

"I would like to go on a date with you because I would like to go on a date with you. I am not bringing you into my life so that I can have stories to share. If I feel like talking about our experiences I will, stories will be told with respect for you and for me. I have told the gossips in my life to get their own life. I am not doing this to bring anyone else pleasure or pain. You are not an obligation. I am excited to see you and see where this goes."

Again if you can't say this about yourself or assume it about your prospective suitor then you should probably make it a solitaire night.

Oh and one more deal maker statement for you and your man "I do not have a blog"

Good luck out there ladies.

Guest Post, courtesy of the Voice of Reason

Since clearly you need a break from C-Minus and Sleepy Cricket is not dedicated to filling that void in your life, I am here to save the day.

C-Minus asked me to contribute something that might be worthy, and all I could think was, "Are you sure you want to be published on the same page as these two guys?" Followed by, "What on earth would I have to say that is even relevant to an audience that is largely non-existent?"

Thankfully, I'm a woman, so I have trouble shutting up and can find plenty to talk about on subjects that men would never dare approach. Today I thought I would dump on crap that I dislike as a woman.

1. How modern society dumps on women doing traditional things: So I like cooking. Don't tell me I'm not a feminist because I like baking. I just happen to make awesome cookies and I know that the fastest way to get those cookies is to make them myself. That does not imply that I want some baboon of a man to tell me to "get in the kitchen and make me a sandwich." In fact, I will slap you if you say that. I just think that the beauty of feminism is that women can now choose what they want to do with their lives.

2. Romantic comedies: I know what you're saying now... WTF? A girl who doesn't like romantic comedies? Okay, so here's the thing. While I like the storyline and enjoy the fact that I can watch an entire movie without gratuitous gore, I generally hate how perfect the whole situation is. First of all, I've done some research, and it appears men like that do not exist. Second of all, real women are not that pretty and we do have personalities. Sorry. And not only that, but no matter how many times I watch Sleepless in Seattle, it never seems like a good idea to hook up with a stranger you've talked with for literally 30 seconds at the top of the Empire State Building. Call me crazy.

3. Men: They're all irritating me, for reasons I can't reveal.

4. Dating: It's the most inventive form of torture we have that is currently allowed by the Geneva Convention. And if you don't believe me, get on e-Harmony sometime and try to meet somebody who is interesting and/or not desperate.

5. Girls who act dumb: You are an abomination to my gender. Thanks for moving us back a hundred and fifty years in time. If you are so emotionally insecure that you have to act dumb in order to find and keep a man, you should probably pull out a phone book and look under "Shrink" because that's who you need to be calling. Work on your self confidence because, let's face it, you're better than that and you know it.

I would like to point out that not all women feel the same way as me (men, read this as: ALL WOMEN ARE DIFFERENT). I would also like to point out that this is not a complete list, and as I am a woman, I will likely change my mind on all of this in an hour or so.

I hope this post was more constructive than a Michigan road. Thank you, gentlemen, for the opportunity to make this happen.

"Kinda weird but I'll take it"

This week I'm trying to write little stories inspired by sentences that inspire me. Here is number 2:

Hello and welcome to "kinda weird but I'll take it" the dating show made specifically for messed up people like yourself. Today our lucky lady is Shemane, and she will be choosing from three lucky bachelors. Gentlemen introduce yourselves.

Umm... hey.... SLEEPY CRICKET here. I will introduce myself with three important life facts. 1. I am hip. 2... .I am not invested enough in this question to continue.

OH TOMMY!

Hi my name is C Minus and I'm hoping you can be my plus. I enjoy walking, especially if I have a dog leash or your hand to hold. I am active in many volunteer and recreational activities. I would say I live a pretty full life and I could use someone to share it with. My goals are to not work where I currently work and not live where I currently live.

Lovely. Shemale, do you have any questions for our 3 very eligible bachelors?

Bachelors, judging by the sound of my voice. What would you say to me if we met at a casual location such as a nightclub or Jimmie John's.

Have you seen the latest thing I'm interested in? Oh you have? Well I'm not doing that so much anymore. (pulls out phone, puts on sunglasses, goes to sleep).

OH TOMMY!

Why hello there! My name is C Minus. How are you today? Wonderful. I'm recovering from a rough day at work/church/home/not home but I'm remaining cautiously optimistic about my situation in life. What brings out to Jimmie John's tonight? TURKEY TOM? ME TOO! While this place doesn't have real mustard, it does have alfalfa sprouts. Alfalfa, probably my favorite word that can be typed only homerow keys. Ok I'm going to go tell SLEEPY that I talked to a real girl. Have a good night!

Bachelors. Let's say we get into an argument about where to eat. I want Jimmie Johns and you want not Jimmie John's. Where do we eat and how do you discuss it with me?

Unless Jimmie John's is what Little Caesar's is calling the Hot N' Ready's now that they aren't 5 dollars, then I am not eating no Jimmie John's. How about this. I'll get a Hot N' Ready and you get your Jimmie John's and we'll eat it at my place while I play WoW and ignore you. Hey can you look in my couch for a little bit? My brother is missing a sock.

OH TOMMY!

Listen here Shamwow I'm working for you here. If you want Jimmie John's I'll eat Jimmie's John all night long if I have to. I will take every part of my body, personality or lifestyle that you don't like and file it down until I am the most generic person that no woman could ever be offended, challenged or loved by. So when's dinner?

You all sound like very experienced and loving men. Except the first and last ones. I actually wonder if bachelors have actually seen woman in real life or if they are just making calculated assumptions based on what they discovered while looking up "hot chick" in wikipeida. But if I am wrong and you have all had a relationship before: Tell me a little about your previous relationships.

Um... uh... so I've started skateboarding karate lessons. I figured learning one skill is a lot of work but if I just picked the parts of each one I liked Old Country Buffet style I could come up with something people have never seen before and would make it tricky for them to judge me on. Want to go to Target and get some Clearance T-Shirts after this?

OH TOMMY!

OH C MINUS!?!?!??!?!

....

....

Do I have to pick one?

Yes. You don't have to go out with them we just need to just announce it on TV and have some footage of you hugging.

Well I guess my life expectancy is best if I picked Bachelor #1. So I'll choose him.

Wait... what?

OH TOMMY!

Well thanks to everyone who participated, and good luck to all of you messed up love birds out there. And just remember he might not be prince charming and he's definitely "KINDA WEIRD, BUT I'LL TAKE IT"