Drive Like an Awesome!

I know some of you out there aren't too thrilled with my driving habits, but there is a lot of person out there that would say otherwise (He may have been from China, but that is beside the point). I do consider it a duty to share my, "skills," with the human race as it would be a shame to let this, "talent," go to waste. Some or none have called my teachings, bold and extraneous, while I say losing 5 sec of your life at a measly stop sign or distant train is even more dangerous to your free time.

1. Time is of the essence - Possibly the most important rule of all. As the public continues to make driving more and more boring (i.e. texting ban, staying in the lanes, speed limits, etc.) it is important that we get done with it as soon as possible. What this means is that you can consider full stops out of the questions. This does require a great deal of hand eye coordination and extreme awareness.

2. Omniscience - Knowing where everything is at all times has its advantages on the road. If you don't have this, the next best thing is to approach the stop, look left, then turn right while looking right. And by Jove, do not stop...except if there's a kid on a bike smoking pot or something of that size, then stopping is acceptable.

3. GPS - In this hyperdriving state, one should not be expected to also process silly information like directions. Instead, use a GPS device to control all your actions. Do not question it or your thoughts will betray you. If by mere 1 in 10 chance it has you taking an odd direction, then LET IT. It is connected to satellites and the internet! Do you think you're smarter than the internet? No, so shut up and drive through that bowling alley!

4. Cops - Yeah, they're doing their job which is part of the game, so let them and assume they'll pull you over for anything and everything. If monetary risk is your concern, consider this; Suppose 2 women drive over the course of a year, 1 committing 100 minor traffic violations and the other 1,000. Using the rule of, "life is unfair," it is undetermined how many tickets would be doled out, but if each got one ticket the amortization is obviously 10x less for the slowbie with 100. Personally, with the bank of traffic violations I've banked, once I do get a ticket, it'd only feel like it cost me a nickle...

5. Have fun - It may be heavy machinery, but that doesn't mean you can't accelerate really fast or do emergency brake g-turns in your parking lot. One day when you're in your death bed, do you really want to think back and say, "Gee, I drove good, go me." I sure don't. I don't even say, "gee."

6. Fail - I've been hit by a car once, so I'm not due anytime soon, so if you can get one of those in you, then you're all set. If you've been accident free or shocked by my methods, then you're going to fail anyway, so stick with it until you can't fail anymore. There's plenty of normies out there anyway, so they're highly predictable and easy to avoid.