A revised social contract between myself and every single woman*

*age appropriate and non-related woman

At the time of this writing (9/30/2010, 10:11 PM) I am in a relationship (with a girl). But enough about her, ladies* I'm here to talk about me and you*. I present to you* revisions to the social contract that was first published on October 10, 1996.

Section 5: I will say creepy things to you*

If you will refer to the previous social contract between myself and every single woman you will see that in section 5 I promise to say lecherous things to every single woman*, with a 70% chance that I am just kidding. That "just kidding" will be dropped down to 15% if the woman is actually interested in performing/pantomiming the disturbing thing I mentioned to the woman*.

Now that I am in a committed relationship the formula has been revised as follows:

When significant other does not know woman*

75% Chance I will say creepy thing to woman*

10% Chance that I am not kidding if woman* is interested

5% Chance that I am not kidding if woman* is not interested

When significant other knows woman*

50% Chance I will say creepy thing to woman*

25% Chance that I am not kidding if woman* is interested

20% Chance that I am not kidding if woman* is not interested

Do you like to camp? Because I'm pitching a tent.

Section 18: Agreement on music/movies/television

In the previous social contract it was said that my entertainment interests will be the exact same as the prettiest woman* within 50 yards. This not only is no longer the case and there is a 99% chance that every woman's* interests are wrong. Not just incompatible with my preferences, but straight up wrong.

Lady Gaga sucks. A Goofy Movie sucks. Glee sucks.

Section 47: Back-Rub Hug

As per the previous blog post, I regret to inform all women* and John Purdy that the gravy train is over. I still reserve the right to smell your hair.

Section 68: Paying for stuff

Please find section 68 in the Social Contract and rip it out because I aint paying for nothing.

Section 76: Hanging out at my parents' house

Women* are no longer welcome to hang out at my parents' house unless we have direct supervision. And we won't so you can't. Why do women* want to come over anyway? Netflix is only 9 dollars a month for streaming and it will run on any computer or current videogame system. You* certainly weren't coming over for the pleasure of my company.

Section 100: Having my baby

Me being in a relationship does not change the fact that I am going to put a baby in every woman* as soon as I figure out a way to do it that's not considered cheating. Look out ladies* you are about to be taking on some spawn.

Despite me being in a relationship (which will probably end when she reads this) and the fact that I am still going to put a baby inside either you or a woman* you love: I'm still the same guy. It's just the social contract and a couple of my motivations have changed ever so slightly.