I just completed the last bungie produced Halo game, so I thought I would review every game in the franchise based on their own merits without outside influences such as my Father-forsaken life affecting my score.
Such promise was shown in the first game in the Halo trilogy. Coming out during my freshmen year of college, Halo was ready to put the depressing 18 years of console first person shooters behind it with the new opportunities afforded by the unchaperoned freedom of the Xbox system. With the intro cinematic having an easy major and a cool roommate, the future looked bright for the rest of the single player campaign. Hopefully the campaign wouldn't stay single for long, as this girlfriend and disease free player 1 was looking to try the co-operative mode, especially with the super-long Xbox controller cords which would stretch all the up to a young nubile freshman's lofted bed.
But after a confident start Halo quickly had the rug pulled out from under it by the uneven difficulty and an awful neighbor named Tom who would only get joy from inserting himself into the player's life and ruining it from the inside. While the player's tactics would evolve, the end result of crippling depression and game over screens would persist until the player would look for cheat codes in the bottom of a bottle of cheap alcohol taken from his parents wine cabinet.
Halo: Combat Evolved 1/5
+ Nice Graphics
- Until the player grows a pair and faces his demons the game will be just as underwhelming as all the games that he has played before.
Halo 2
After dealing with the flood (of emotions, failures and zombie-esque mutated enemies) the Master Chief comes back to do what he did 2 years ago but even better. But what should have been an improvement on the 2001 original becomes just another case of learning the wrong lessons. Where as it was so difficult to find a co-op partner in the original due to women showing the worst parts of aggression and pity, Halo 2 introduces online competitive multiplayer. And where as more players are now available, the match-ups were for the most part hostile and unsatisfying for either party on any level.
Also there is noticeable issues with the new graphics engine. On top of the Xbox not handling bump mapping well, the characters begin to look bloated and dead-eyed due to poor diet/life decisions.
Halo 2: 4/5
+ Playing the same levels again as the enemy spartan think about the great joy that my enemies felt as they ruined my life
- Having to play the levels the first time as master chief, knowing that you will always be alone and your only companion will be an artificial one like cortana.
Halo 3
New system, but the same old game mechanics. Despite the underwhelming Halo 2 and crippling depression associated with it, I was hoping that Halo 3 would be an adult-mature experience. An experience that would fill the gaping hole left in my wallet and heart by previous games. Hopes again were dashed by the game being completely ruined by the system terminating me after 6 months of hard work and unpaid over time. The red rings of my game system was just a darker version of the pink slip that accompanied my final paycheck.
I would end up never using my copy of Halo 3 again as I lowered my standards and decided not to challenge myself in my future games or life goals.
Halo 3: 2/5
+ 4 years leading up to this cause the anticipation and excitement to be very high
- an abrupt ending to not only the game but my career in the advertising field
Halo Wars
Microsoft tries desperately to branch Halo out of the FPS genre. Despite my cries for a kart racer, they pick the toughest type of game to put on a console and then put it on a console. Despite my cries for someone to finally love me, my romantic partners continue to only provide services for direct payment. The money's on the table Microsoft, please don't leave until I have stopped weeping.
Halo Wars: 4/5
+ You have to appreciate how they ret-conned a ton of shit into the story to have this make any type of sense
- Despite the efforts to make this look like a Halo game it is nothing more than a reskinned Age of Empires 2 (not entirely a bad thing)
Halo 3: ODST
What was once going to be a downloadable add on turned into a full price game, which felt right up my alley as a person who was at one point was going to be successful but turned into someone who lives in his mother's basement. The game was slight in scope and lacked the spectacle of the previous entries in the series. Boiling it down it turns into what is essentially a greatest hits of the series, the tank level reminding me of the freedom I felt as I entered college, the sniper level bringing back memories of what it was like to be stabbed in the back by someone who I thought cared about me. The backtracking the same area 4 times recalling the feeling of making the same mistakes every single time a situation arose.
The only new exciting part was the firefight mode but due to the lack of matchmaking support I was left with playing with my only reliable co-op partners, my oily left and right hands.
Halo 3: ODST 5/5
+ Best Buy messed up my preorder and forgot to charge me for the game so any complaint I have can be answered with the snide remark "you get what you pay for"
Halo Reach
Based off of a book or something, Bungie's final Halo game serves as a prequel and a swan song for the Halo franchise. Great effort was made to make the characters feel like characters, which felt similar to my efforts to feel and demonstrate human emotions aside from rage and lust. Bungie's efforts in humanizing the Halo series where much more successful than mine as I still feel like I have the emotional depth of a roomba. And as the roomba repeatedly and hilariously fails at getting a floor clean, I repeatedly and depressingly fail at achieving any type of success.
Matchmaking multiplayer has been finally extended to cooperative modes like campaign and firefight, which initially got my hopes up. After a couple of tries though each game ended like most of my personal relationships, with the other party members calling me a homosexual slur and kicking me out of the room.
The post credit sequence where you randomly kick and flail until you are defeated for the last time gave me a nice look at what I have to look forward to in the coming weeks though, so that's nice.
Halo Reach 5/5
+ It's over
- This topic ceased being funny about 3 games ago and I no longer want to keep writing about it because it depresses me. Have you read this far? If so please comment on this article with the name of your favorite disney princess.
So that's my 100% fact based summary of the Halo franchise. It's been a turbulent 9 years Bungie, but despite the worthless college experiences, STI's and other failures; we are both still standing.
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