Dear moleskine notebook that was purchased at American Outfitters,
I travel a lot for my job, which is a lot like traveling for fun except you don't have to pay for it or summon the motivation to do it. Sometimes I bring stuff back, like keychains for my unemployed/underemployed friends or superacne-esque sores. But this time I brought back:
- Fever
- Sore throat
- Nausea
- Vomiting
- Abdominal pain
- Constipation
- Flu-like symptoms.
And I'm like what the heck? I can't be bothered to deal with this stuff! These ailments don't place me outside of the 50% aisle of people with stuff wrong with them. When is the last time anyone hosted a tellathon or a 20/20 special for someone with constipation? I need to think bigger with this stuff, let's spin it into something notable. Because despite my education and professional success, I need something that money can't buy.
I need pity.
SLEEPY CRICKET- C-Minus knows a nurse and loves to run his GD mouth, so I'm gonna use him in this little game. Let's whip out the old phone here.
C-Minus- "Hey MY REAL NAME? I haven't heard from you in weeks! How are you man?"
SLEEPY CRICKET-"I'm struggling C-Minus. Let me run some symptoms by you..."
C-Minus-"Why are you calling me C-Minus? That's what we called me on the blog you gave up on. I'm not a medical professsional so I don't know what I can do with a list of symptoms"
SLEEPY CRICKET-"I'm feeling all pregnancyflu like but its not pregnancy or flu. Its also not; Bite from a snake (such as a cobra), poisoning, Diphtheria, Myasthenia gravis, Guillain-Barre syndrome, Transverse myelitis, Tick paralysis, Rabies, or Botulism."
C-Minus-"Dude I don't know. Did you go to a Doctor?"
SLEEPY CRICKET-"Of course not, ISM is technically an engineering degree so what do I need a doctor for?"
C-Minus-"Um... did you try wikipedia? Because the way you read the stuff off like that sounded like you were reading from the computer."
SLEEPY CRICKET-"Interesting. Hey C-Minus, I'm busy with Ohio stuff, could you type what I just said into google at the exact same order and hit search?"
C-Minus-"No... dude I'm at Applebee's I'm not typing in a google search"
SLEEPY CRICKET-"I'm gonna text you a link. Bye"
Some girl- "Who was that?"
C-Minus- "You don't ever take that tone with me. Ever. Eat your dinner and don't you dare make eye contact with the waiter. Hold on my phone is getting a text."
SLEEPY CRICKET (via text)- http://www.google.com/search?client=safari&rls=en&q=symptoms+of+polio&ie=UTF-8&oe=UTF-8
C-Minus- "Sleepy Cricket, are you trying to get me to say you have Polio? Because I don't think you do"
SLEEPY CRICKET- "Polio..... how interesting and uncommon, and how terrible and worthy of care by others who I don't really keep in touch with. Any chance you can post a specific prayer for me and my condition as your facebook status?"
C-Minus- "Not a chance. How much are you making now-a-days?"
SLEEPY CRICKET- "$XX,XXX, why do you ask?"
C-Minus- "No real reason, just wanted another reason to hate you before I hung up."
So that's how I planted the seed of concern into West Michigan. Hopefully this whole ordeal will catch the attention of those that used to be in my life. And that attention will lead to interest. And that interest will lead to them making the decision to continue loving me. And that decision will lead to the action of them never not loving me and holding me dear even as all of our lives move on.
hahahaha
ReplyDelete