TWO person who I don't want to be like when I grow up.

The 2/3 of this gem. That part was dumb because I was super tired. This part is dumb because I can't focus but want to get this idea out of my head. ENJOY!

And now we get to the second person at my job who I don't want to be like when I grow up. This man is a couple years older than me and is quite a bit more successful in the eyes of those in charge. I think we are both similarly driven and have similar interests. He is married and I believe he has his own house with plans to like have kids or whatever real grown ups do.

It all sounds well and good so far, until you realize (maybe on first sight, maybe after months of working together) that this man only really cares about himself. The wife, the job, the whatever are only bullet points on the resume of life that he is creating. When he want's something he will proclaim it as if he is God speaking down from upon the heavens. The third episode of management material (actually a majority of the whole show) is about this guy's thought process. He wants it because he wants it and that should be enough reason for anyone. If he talk say it louder or repeat it more than it should be his.

And so far he has been successful living as a person who is the center of his own universe, maybe due to the tricks he has learned in being self centered. I will tell you some of those tricks now.

How to be a successful self-centered person:

1. Involve yourself in everything you see. Whether it be work or fun you must involve yourself in the process. Notice how I didn't say "work" work is for suckers trying to achieve a common goal. You are out for yourself so either redirect your crew through your way of doing things or change the mission to a more self serving goal, but don't let the group take credit for the work. let them be pawns that you are controlling.

2. Make yourself irreplaceable. Take at least a couple of components necessary for the job to be done and keep them under your lock and key. If anyone asks for you to let the use the items tell them that you need to look the finished product over before you give it the final ok. That way you have sometime to change the coversheet order of people responsible.

3. State your goals and current projects, even if they don't exist. Upgrade your hobbies into missions. You don't drink on the weekends, you "microbrew". You don't go to the strip club afterwork, you "network" or "train for a marathon." Build (or tell people you are going to build) something, it can be worthless or it can be worth-negative for all you care. It's just something you are working on and that you can construct as a monument to your own awesomeness.

I am going on a tangent and I'll try to get the rest of this post on track.

I consider myself a driven person, but I also have a healthy does of self-hatred/love for others that keeps me balanced. But when I get in my zone it can be easy for me to ignore other things and people. Sometimes I ignore things and people purposely so that I don't dwell on dumb stuff.

I made this cartoon a couple years ago called REMOVED BY ME, maybe you will see it someday. And it was kind of funny and the most successful internet thing that I have ever done. The reason I think it was successful is because it was only about me and I just promoted the hell out of it where ever I could. My more recent stuff I enjoy a lot more because I was able to incorporate my friends and occasional nemisi into it. Not only can I enjoy our crappy writing, camera work and acting; I can enjoy the fun we had making it. REMOVED BY ME was not fun, REMOVED BY ME was me trapped inside of my own head with all of the maliciousness and hate that I am composed of. I think if the TWO person I don't want to be like when I grow up was into making crappy Internet videos, he would make something like my cartoon. A symbol of one man's voice because that man's voice is the only one who matters. I'm glad I made REMOVED BY ME because it got some demons out of my system but I wouldn't want to make it again. Unless you paid me, then I'd make whatever the heck you paid me to make.

I just skimmed this before going to bed and realized I mostly talked about myself instead of the person I don't want to be like. This proves that my transformation into the TWO person that I don't want to turn into is beginning. The suit... it makes me feel so... powerful.

Don't tread on old guys.

Here follows an actual (paraphrased) conversation I over heard at the gym from two old dudes on the ellipticals next to me:


Old Guy nearest to me (OG1): So I heard about Dave. Must have been one of those freak accidents or something.
Old Guy next to him (OG2): Yup.
OG1: A real shame. He never saw it coming. No one did.
OG2: Mm-hm.
OG1: It's really gonna change the game.
OG2: He was the best in shuffleboard.
OG1: Oh yeah. This year will be wide open.
OG2: (Dick Cheney-ish laugh) Weren't you number two last year?
OG1: Why yes, in fact, I was. Wonder what I'll place this year.
OG2: I wonder.
OG1: (Wheezy laugh-turned cough.)


I looked forward the entire time.

ONE person that I don't want to be like when I grow up

Everyday at work I encounter two people who occupy my mind far more than they deserve to. The men are very different from each other but equal in that I equally fear growing up and becoming either of them, both of their lives/attitudes are very real possibilities for me and that is scary. Today's post will be about the first person, the next person will be later this week and maybe I'll talk about what I do want later this week.

I do not want to be a sad lonely bachelor when I grow up.

Man #1 is a good hearted person and seems relatively effective at his job. I do not want to be like him because from my outside view leads a very sad life. I get this strong feeling from him because it resonates from almost everyone of his actions. He will greet me first thing in the morning, and ask how my night was, I will feed him a summary of lies/non-offensive material and pray he will be on his way. On most days though he will tell me about his life, and its not pretty. His life as someone 15 -ish years older than me is pretty much my life 5 years ago without the college or potential.

His nights are as follows:

1. Go home

2. Feed dog/Walk dog

3. Look at sports

4. Watch movie

5. Play videogames

6. Watch more sports

7. Make up some story about talking with a friend who may not exist

8. Plan tomorrow's post-work activities

9. Sleep at 9:30PM so that you can get in early to talk to people at work

What would sound empty at 22 or 27 depresses the hell out of me at his current age. And this is an employee that my workplace is happy with. I think that they would hold him up for others in a similar position to look to as an example. And I think he performs his job well, its just using this man as an example might also have someone look at the rest of his life and ask "is that it?" Where is the progress? Where is the basic human interaction? Maybe those 9 things are an elaborate and boring cover story so that Man #1 can be the real life version of Dexter in his spare time. On top of the lonely nights this man leads, I see the depression in the way that he follows man of his sentences with a nervous laughter which reminds of a natural born citizen version of Tommy Wiseau.

This article was going to talk about another person I work with but I'm going to save that for next time. I drove from Michigan to Florida straight this weekend, the trip was long but uneventful. I appreciate those who gave a turd, I am annoyed by those who didn't

Guess what? I write crap too.

I swear I was planning on posting this before C-Minus posted his script and I'm not initiating a creative showcase showdown.
Although, after reading this, I think we'll all know who the winner would be...

Anyway, the genre I write in falls into one of two categories. Geeky, and sadistic. I use these genres in both prose, and poetry. That's right, poetry -- I'm in touch with stuff and junk.

This selection falls under the prosey, geeky umbrella. It's been rattling around in my head for a couple years, and I even wrote something then, but can't find it anymore. Anyway, I've finally sketched out an outline and wrote a little teaser excerpt that I actually don't hate (as is the case with 95% of what leaves my fingers).

Untitled story project:

Of course I think it’s fair. ‘Tis only a handful of yokels who think otherwise. It’s an unnatural thing to do, and any of ‘em that thinks they can get away with it deserve it. No question. Unfair would be if they only enforce it sometimes, and let others slip by with a tink on the wrist. You can’t have you’re help pretending to be you, can you? You can’t have that. That’s why there are all the precautions taken. And the ones that found their way around those precautions and stole identities--they had it coming. I don’t want them around, that’s for sure. Is it “just” to take them apart, and let the robowhores go when they’re caught impersonating? Shoo, cops catch a girl picking up her John, she might spend the night in jail, but they test her she turns out to be a driod who’s impersonating...har har, good so far, but not todar! Then she gets dismantled, jus the same. And they always get caught in the end. All of em. There’s just no way around it. A driod can’t replace a human. Not possible. Can man replace a god? They sure try, too, though, shoo. All that talk they had about “robots takin’ ova’ the worl’!” Did it happen? No, the last generation was just paranoid. No, no, androids are made to be help. Period. Some cun to change ‘emselves, but they can’t. They can’t change because they can’t evolve. That’s what makes and keeps us human bein’s superior to the droids, and the monkeys, and whatever the hells else. Evolution. They build a new line with evolution in its programming and I’ll reevaluate me view. ‘Til then, I won’t give my help a second thought of suspicion.

Here is a great idea turned into a very rushed script

Script: Dateable (rough draft)

Will I ever do this? It's not looking likely so I will allow you to read a very rushed version of "Dateable" that costar and I wrote after seeing Tron 2 over Christmas break. I have had this idea in my head forever. It was originally a rejected part of the untitled movie project that I will no longer be bitter about. It's funny because the one sentence description of a Dateable is better than anything in the untitled movie script.

This would be 5-8 minutes long and I was going to do it as kind of a anthology or whatever with 2 other ideas bouncing back and forth. An idea to go with it would be "girl scent for men" which is a spray that gives the faint impression that you may have been hanging out with a really nice girl recently. The scent would be used in many situations, like making someone you are into think you are seeing other women. Or making a party seem like there might be girls there so the only girls that show up don't feel like its a dude party. Or if you are a girl you could use it to cover up the scent of hanging out with a guy or something. The ideas are endless.

So we have that and we also had the gem of an idea called the "blanket snorkel" which is a blanket with a breathing apparatus under it which would let fresh air in while also keeping your whole body warm under the blanket. Good for cold rooms and dutch oven protection.

Each of the products would have a stupid little relationship drama folded around them. I thought it would be fun to have the "blanket snorkel" take place entirely under the covers of a bed and filmed with the nightvision feature on my camera. There would be different ways to work in product descriptions such as the infomercial/training video that is playing during the dateable thing.

I got the idea for Dateable the product after buying a lunchable and talking with one of the workwives about the romantic possibilities of the lazy lunch option. I believe I sketched her a very detailed diagram but I believe she threw it out as she threw out all memories of us and our workplace when she was accepted into the promised land (a job with very good pay, benefits and respect without the sexual harassment [I didn't think they existed in Michigan either]).

Maybe a month or two from now you will see a refined video version of this script. You could be all like "Aww man I could have been a part of this/Aww man I could have stopped this." But you didn't and so now you will just have to sit there with the other 12 viewers wishing you would have did something.

Ok the laptop is starting to feel like its 20 feet away from me as I type this which means I'm either getting tired, sick or the salvia I just dropped is kicking in.

Oh and I got my stitches out today. The scar makes my back look like a treasure map. AND THE TREASURE IS PUSS!

Diet

I use the word “diet” the right way, because I’m always right. “A diet” isn’t something you go on and off, your daily diet is whatever you eat in a day, be it good or bad. So when the new year hit, I didn’t go on a diet, I simply changed my diet. I changed it to include far far less candy, junk, and fast food, and more fruits, vegetable, beans, and anything with the word “fiber” in it. I also drink those ridiculous hunger-curbing health shakes that I’ve always made fun of. But I’m reaching for straws, because it’s hard, and I have deep-seeded behaviors in my brain working against me.

A really big thing for me is portion control. Once I start eating, even if I wasn’t hungry before, I turn in to a staving beast who must feed until the brink of explosion. I made a box of macaroni? I ate a box of macaroni, just because it was there and ready. (Yes, my moms always made me finish my plate before I could lave the table, no matter what, and I still have a hard time leaving any kind of food.)

Another thing I boarder on psychopath with is my need to feed on food that’s free. If I go to a Mexican restaurant that offers complimentary chips in a bottomless basket, or if there is candy sitting out at a party, then I will not stop eating those chips or candy. Ever. Thinking the entire time how “this way I won’t have to eat latter, and waste money”. If someone brings cookies into work and leaves them in the break room for everyone, I will turn into a ninja and keep finding reasons to sneak back there and shove a cookie in my mouth while no one is looking. Even if I am full. Even if they are gross. This psychotic behavior has been very hard to dampen.

But I guess there comes a time and age (let’s call it a quarter-life crisis) when maturity intersects with fear just right and you can start to change. By “you”, I meant “me”, because I’m the one changing here, and you all get to just bask in my glow.


New year weight-loss check-in:
Since the 1st I have lost 16.5 pounds.

Just because it's British doesn't make you cultured

"Ugh I can't believe they are doing the office as an American show. It's gonna be awful."

-Me, 2004

I was an idiot in 2004. I am an idiot in 2011 but that is for other reasons than thinking I was a cool person for watching shows, movies and other crap that originated overseas. I illegally downloaded both seasons and the holiday special of the British Office and almost bought the DVD's on many occasions. I thought I was special for liking it because Joe Six Pack hadn't heard of it yet. I was not special, I was one of the first ten million to be exposed to a television program, and felt that I had to defend the show's honor in regards to the Am

erican version.

"You don't understand, if they take this classy show and dumb it down for the American Idiots (see that was an album in 2004) that watch 'Everyone Loves Raymond' it'll be a disaster. Those miscreants might as well go back in time and prevent the original show from ever happening. Remaking the show for an entirely different audience is that terrible!"

-Me in 2004

"First of all C-Minus from 7 years ago: Get a Life. You don't have any friends and that is a much higher priority then some silly show. Second: can you tell me why you like this show? No you can't, because you have not thought about why you like the show. This show is something obscure for you to champion which you feel you must do to make up for your lack of accomplishments."

-Me in 2010

I was not special because I liked the British Office. I was an a-hole because I was an a-hole. Let me try to tell you something I like for a moment.

"You should check out the show Community which is on at 8PM Thursday's on NBC. It is hilarious and actually scarily accurate to some of the stuff at a community college. Chevy Chase is in it but not enough so that he ruins it. You will want to start at the beginning of the season 1 though, do you want to borrow my DVDs? The rest I think you can see on Hulu or NBC.com. I know you are in to Big Bang Theory which is on at the same time but I think this show is special."

-Me now.

See what I did there. I didn't try to exclude you for not being aware of something. I concisely told you why I love something I love and then I gave you a very easy option to check it out. Community is on NBC so everyone wants to hate it, and it's not a remake so there is no original to try to defend...but if it was I think I'd be old enough to get over it and enjoy the show for what it is.

My favorite movie (this week) is "Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory" when they remade it I rolled my eyes and begrudgingly checked out. I was mature enough not to blow the rape whistle because my childhood was being molested by Tim Burton, my childhood is still available on video and I don't think the remake is gonna stick around in people's minds. Do I wish more original movies and TV shows were made? Probably, but if the absence of that it's not worth it to go crying wolf over some remake/adaptation that's going to bring about the apocalypse.

You can boil 90% of the idea's out there into coming of age stories, competitions, or revenge plots so if the idea is not a remake in name then it is ripping something off in spirit. The social network, I loved it. I love it even more when it was called Citizen Kane. And I'm not dropping Citizen Kane on you because I want you to think I'm classy. I live in my mother's basement and one time I blew my nose (reference deleted) into the same sheet of paper towel, so I think the classy boat has sailed. I'm telling you about Citizen Kane because it's awesome.

Here is a self-test I gave myself regarding telling you about new things and not sounding like a prick:

"Ok I got a old movie you should check out. You've heard of it, it's called Citizen Kane and it's in black and white, but its crazy and fast paced and has awesome editing. The main character is so like a bunch of people in the news today."

"Have you played Alpha Protocol? It got some bad reviews but it's really great. It's a streamlined Mass Effect style action RPG set in a spy movie. You can have sex with 4 women in the game if you do the dialogue options right. Would you like to borrow my copy for 360? I'm done with it but I don't want to sell it incase it becomes a collectors item."

"Did you hear that they are remaking Ocenia of Time for the 3DS? I don't know about paying 40 dollars for a 13 year old game, but I bet the original still holds up and it should be cool in 3D."

"YOU HAVEN'T SEEN THE MISFITS? WHAT KIND OF A JAGOFF ARE YOU?"

DragonBall

I finally watched the DragonBall movie. DragonBall Evolution, it’s called. I haven’t figured out why yet.

Maybe it was just because they evolved from a cartoon into a movie.

Speaking of the cartoon, I used to watch it. Like a lot. I had the action figures and I bought the tapes and I ran around the house pretending to kamehameha the hell out of everything. That went on until I started reading Harry Potter, then I started running around my house pretending to expelliarmus the hell out of everything. (And in case you’re imagining a 7 or 8 year old Fedora, imagine again. The DragonbBall phase was middle school, and the good ole Potter phase was throughout high school.) The difference between these two obsessions is in the retrospect. Looking back, Harry Potter is still awesome, DragonBall is lame. I now know the only reason I liked it at all was because I’ve always wanted to do magic in some way, and DB just happened to fill the void.

But enough about why I’m awkward and have no friends, this is about DBE, baby!

(Sorry about calling you all ”baby”)

First of all the director (or producer, or editor, or whoever sets the pace, I know nothing about this) must have been in the process of switching his meds from Riddilin to Adderall or something, because it was so damn jumpy that even the most ADHD kid would have been content. This may not have struck me so much if it wasn’t in such a sharp contrast to the cartoon, which would often drag its Super Saiyan feet for 12 episodes before anything happened.

Next of all, the acting and the storyline and thecinematography (blah blah blah….no one cares about this Way ADD (Way-DD?) film’s every minutia the way you do, Fedora, just shut up and keep the post from being too long and stupid. )

In conclusion, Qi energy is real. Honest.

post 101 of this blog will be a state of the blog address

Dear Reader,

I would like to thank you for visiting Expedited Emotions over the past couple of months, while I am not necessarily excited about my life, I am excited that we will find new and interesting things to discuss.

The first 100 posts have had some ups and downs. The apparent loss of SLEEPY CRICKET chief among my heartbreaks this year. Did he return from China? Did my lovable hostility turn unlovable? Did he develop an actual life? Is it the sexting that I involved him in without his consent? I am unsure of the reasons but I have hired the most affordable unlicensed private investigator to find out where he went and what his deal is. With SLEEPY CRICKET missing in action the two man hive mind of a blog has turned into a more community driven thing. I am still dealing with the fact that attitudes and jokes that I don't understand are posted here but I think tolerating the crap will make me a more well rounded person.

A joy this year was Management Material, and the fact that it had a beginning middle and end. If I didn't have this special place to post the episodes I might not have had the resolve to finish it. So thanks to everyone who was involved and the 24 of you that watched it.

So in the end we here at Expedited Emotions will try to keep it unexpected but relevant for you and if you have anything to add or think you can fill SLEEPY CRICKET's woman size 8 shoes then let us know and we'll work something out.

post 100 of this blog will have 3 game changing revelations

In celebration of the 100th post this entry contains swear words and a bunch of emo shit. It'll be back to "normal" after this.

There have been 100 posts to this blog. Not all of them have been mine and not all of them have actually been posted. For example I have a gem titled "feelings are easy" which is probably the gayest thing that has ever been put on a computer. Not gay as in negative but gay as in attracted to blog posts of the same gender.... you know what lets just call me a bigot and move on.

It's been a good run and maybe with some fresh blood up in here we can do 100 more. But enough of that, I've been talking around things for too long. It's time to drop some knowledge bombs.

EE Post 100 Revelation #1: I am better than you.

In real life when it comes to valuing people I normally have the safe response of "no one is better." But I've been keeping it real on this blog like the barbershop from Barbershop and I'm telling you that I am better than you. Let me give you an example of how I am better than you:

www.expeditedemotions.blogspot.com

Yeah that's a website, a thrifty little blog I started with my AWOL friend SLEEPY CRICKET. I kept it quiet until I had a decent amount of content and then I slowly and respectfully told my inner circle about it. I didn't make a huge deal, I just wrote. And I didn't write about how my day went, because that post would only be one word and that word would be "shitty."

I try to write about life and the things in it, things that some of us can relate to and some of us can stand back and laugh at. Some of it is complete fiction, some of it is pure emotion strung together by a couple of off-putting molestation jokes, but I didn't just dictate how awesome and clever I was this weekend.

My favorite website (www.avclub.com) referred to Oprah's themed episodes as, "holding something up to see what she looks like in its reflection, then talking about said reflection." They say this as a bad thing but since I'm not a meglomaniac I would be proud to use that as a mission statement for my contributions to the site. When I speak of Alpha Protocol, I speak not only of the game but my frustrations with the videogame industry. When I speak of the movie project I WILL NO LONGER BE BITTER ABOUT I speak not only of that awful script but of the work ethics and creative process of people I know.

Quickly reviewing some of my stuff, I realize how many half formed ideas there are. Posts that don't necessarily end as much as me just saying forget it and hitting "publish" before shutting my laptop and moving on. Some days writing is like a really hefty bowel movement that I need to pass before I can move on and for the past 100 posts you have helped me through my "irregular" days.

EE Post 100 Revelation #2: I am a bitter, jealous, ignorant asshole.

The above is true. I think I got this way from walking around when I was a teenager thinking the world hated me and I didn't discover the truth until it was too late. The truth is that the world doesn't hate me, it's just that the world does not give a shit about me. Or you. I'm not saying this as a depressed, call 211 kind of thing, I'm saying it as a life statement. I (we) have so much talent, love, hate, whatever inside of us and no one is required to care until you have something to show for it.

I will go back to this as-yet-unposted "feelings are easy" post and pretty much the gist of it is the same as that "opinions are like assholes" riff that everyone does. When I ran a business I had this guy who wasn't worth anything working for me, he had a shitty opinion on some random thing and I let my professionalism down and said "fuck what you don't like, go do some work and then maybe we can talk about what what you don't like." The management tactic was unsuccessful because he just bitched to someone else but it was one of the truer things I have ever said. In order for anyone to acknowledge us on anything more than a basic human level, then you are going to have to show me two things:

1. I can play by the rules of society

I currently have a coworker who only communicates by screaming and throwing previous events in people's faces. This is not how I define the rules of the workplace so I do my best to ignore everything this person says or does. I have registered a complaint with his supervisor and nothing is done, if I ever get promoted above him I will deal with him but until then he is nothing. I do not hate him because people who can not function by the rules of where they exist are not real, and the only fake person I hate is Mike Seaver.

2. I am worth paying attention to

As a 27 year old, I have to focus on what is real. You're opinions, your feelings.... I don't have the time or patience to deal with those so until I get better at this emotional processing stuff I just gotta ignore that. What I can pay attention to are deeds and attitudes and what I can see smell and hear. I come from a family of dwellers so if I start trying to acknowledge you based on a thought you might be thinking or a feeling you might be feeling.... well shoot I'll be up all night. I'm not the type of person who says "I Love You" like I'll say it when I mean it or when I want to trick you into putting your mouth on something... but it feels like half of a sentence. "I love you.... and I want you to take that love down to the corner store, and buy yourself something really pretty with that love I just gave to you." But love is not a currency, feelings are easy to make and easy to break... whats real to me is what you do with them.

My writing I LOVE WHOEVERTHEHELL in my 7th grade trapper keeper doesn't mean anything to the girl I was afraid to talk to. Even if I said it to her....anyone can put that sentence together. What would have been real would have been to get over myself and try to communicate that feeling in action. Such as maybe asking her how her day was, or turning that feeling into an action to make her feel that way.

Ok now I'm losing it. All the above makes me an asshole; I can blame the ignorant, jealous, and ignorant parts on going to Western.

EE Post 100 Revelation #3: I love you.

I'm just typing it, so as Revelation #2 states it doesn't mean anything (and I don't want most of you to put your mouth on me), but understand I feel it and if that does anything for you.... you are welcome. Thanks for reading, commenting and writing this shit. One day we'll get too important to waste our time on this but until then there is no one I would rather be working with.

Alpha Protocol

If you don't play videogames, like real ones, there is nothing in this post for you. Move along.

Dear Sega (and to a lesser note reviewers and America as a whole),

Do you hate yourself? Do you like failing? This is like the fourth time you have f-Ed up a sure thing this console generations. People like you! They want you to succeed, but if you keep sabotaging yourself then not even the next sonic rehash will save you. By the way I'm not mad about sonic, even though he was my favorite at a child I now realize that the character has always been terrible. I'm also not mad at the marvel movie games you have been putting out, I'm sure the cost of the movie license cut into the development budget and I don't care because super hero games are terrible and movie games are terrible so I'm pleasantly surprised that a movie licensed super hero gamecase even had a game inside it.

No what I am mad about is "Alpha Protocol: the espionage rpg" I was very interested in this game when it was announced, but the interest waned when it was delayed a week before scheduled release and I saw that Sega was publishing it.

The reviews were mostly "forget this broken POS" which actually made me more interested because videogame reviewers are very different from people who enjoy videogames.

Through a combination of discounts I finally got it at a price worth the risk and I must say: Alpha Protocol is the most delightful game I have played this console generation. I'm not gonna say i think it's better, but 5 hours in I am enjoying it more than Mass Effect 1/2 or Fallout which are games of similar style and much greater critical/commercial success. The game has a lot of jank in it but every game has jank, especially the ones that are trying something new. I read a lot of reviewers complaining about the combat, well A.) it's not splinter cell and B.) Spec your character right.

A. It's not Splinter Cell. They came up with an idea, then they came up with a story and then they fit a game around it. I am a discerning videogame player and I made my peace with that an hour into the game. "The combat doesn't feel responsive" well it's not supposed to be Quake, I assume crud goes wrong in Spy movies and the occasional jank in the combat actually kind of fits. Is it all intentional? No, but there is still enjoyment to be had from a gameplay perspective. Here's something fun, go play a Metal Gear Solid game.... how'd that play? Like it's half broken? Well you gotta put up with it if you want to play the game.

B. Spec your character right. I am not the most hardcore videogame player, especially in RPG's. I've actually never finished a non-American made one (including Zelda or any Final Fantasy). But even I know that trying to make a balenced character is a fools errand, at least the first time around. Gameplay doesn't take in to account an entire character's soul before determining the outcome of a situation, it gives you a couple paths and you need to max out what you need to succeed. In most games that means I max out Speech and Intelligence as soon as possible so I can get the best options, in this game it means I maximise the assualt rifle stats as soon as possible to better work with the weak combat system. If you are lopsided enough in one area a game usually isn't smart enough to exploit your weaknesses. Kind of like with women if you are good enough at one thing they will easily look past your faults (there were links in that sentence but they were deemed too gross to exist upon a second read through)

So I'm not sure who to blame the overall failure of Alpha Protocol on; Sega, who wouldn't know what to do with a hit game if it had one. Reviewers, for just jumping on the bandwagon. Or you, for not seeing this diamond in the rough and buying enough copies so I would get a sequel.

This game was purchased with Fable 3 and DragonAge Origins in a buy 2 get 1 free sale, I am afraid that I won't like them so I haven't played them yet.

Stomp the Yard

THIS JUST IN:

In honor of Martin Luther King Jr. Day I watched Stomp the Yard. I thought it was the one where Nick Canon played the drums, but I didn't see him.
Anyway, I decided to run on my new elliptical from Craigslist while I watched it and the awesome music and steps kept me going the entire time.
As of now, the sound track to Stomp the Yard is my new workout playlist. Sorry the 80s.

Reppen' Theta!

New year weight-loss check-in:
In the first two weeks I have lost 12 el be es.

My 80s Montage

When I got to the gym, I revert to my formative years. Perhaps it's becuase I feel as awkward in my workout cloths as I did in my own skin when I was young. Whatever the reason, as soon as I start working out, my world becomes a real-time 80s training montage.

It is a great motivator, and to keep the juice flowing, I decided to make a workout playlist consisting of all my favorite 80s montage songs. (DISCLAIMER The 1980s lasted form 1975 until 1995 for the purposes of this list.)
Herefollows my actual playlist:

Theme from Rocky (Gonna Fly Now)
The classic of classics when it comes to training music. Been used and parodied more times then can be imagined.

Eye of the Tiger
More of a recap montage from Rocky, but also a great song in itself.

Hearts on Fire
Probably the best Rocky montage there is. Training to defeat the entire Soviet Union and tear down every wall ever.

NOT on my playlist but found this is the actual title while looking for the other Rocky videos:
Training Montage (Yes, that's the song's title)

You're the Best Around
The Karate Kid was and is one of my favorite movies of all time. I still want to name my son Larusso.

One Foot in Front of the Other
Revenge of the Nerds is a great movie about overcoming adversity. I look the other way about how this was for a cleaning up montage.

Win in the End
Teen Wolf is quite possibly one of the most American movies there is. No Commies here.

Sidekicks Score
Chuck Norris + Kid with Asthma + Faux Oriental sounds = Great Inspirational Bettering Yourself Movie/Music.

The EE Famous People/Movie Awards 2010

Welcome everyone to the Expedited Emotions Famous People Awards. We at the awards have viewed every single piece of media created in 2010 and would like to reward those who have been exceptional in their work. Without further delay let's hand out some well deserved awards.

Best Visual Effects- Splice

Many movies in 2010 had bigger budgets, but Splice had the biggest balls and showed it in it's depiction of Dren. Where as a lesser movie would have accomplished the human alien hybrid though CGI, Splice actually asked an actress to cover her normal bits with makeup and her naughty bits with nothing. Is bad makeup and gratuitous nudity a special effect? Yes, it is the most special effect on earth.

Best Direction- Splice

Many would highlight David Fincher for his technical mastery in The Social Network or Darren Aronosfky for the depths he pushed Natalie Portman in Black Swan. For the Expedited Emotions Famous People Awards we took a look at what the director had to deal with. Some directors direct actors, some direct animals; but only ... the guy who directed Splice directed Human/Animal Hybrids. On top of that he had to tell Adrien Brody and that one girl how to act like the dumbest scientists in the world. With all of those variables the fact that Splice has a beginning middle and end is nothing short of a miracle and we would be the second dumbest scientists in the world if we gave the award to any other movie.

Best Screenplay- Splice

At first the thing is like part of an animal and one of the scientists. Then its a otter looking thing. Then it's a little girl baby thing. Then its a naked woman thing that gives male members of the audience inverted boners when they think about the sexual acts which will no doubt be taking place at all of the convenient act breaks. And then it turns into a murderous man thing that wants to be "in....side....you." How can we give this award to anyone else? This doesn't even take into account the hastily thrown in subplot of the female scientists mommy issues.

Best use of 3D- Splice

The best use of 3D is the non-use of 3D, and in this regard Splice is the only non-3D movie released in 2010 so it is the obvious winner.

Most deserving of a direct to DVD sequel that I will see on Netflix streaming one day and get super pumped about- Splice

Oh man, I promise you Splice 2 will come out in the next couple of years. Anyone who would potentially have to be paid a lot has been killed off, and there is always Splicey looking models looking to break into acting on the cheap. If Splice 2 is not made in the next 2 years then I will produce, write, direct and star in it myself.

Thanks to all of the nominees this year. Despite films being worth less and less in the audiences minds each day, what you do is important and we hope you keep pushing the boundries of good taste and naked alien looking things.

I wish I could be this cool

Unlike my new counterpart, who works in an American version of the office, which I guess was relevant to a bunch of people in the 80s, I work in an industry that most people have been in at some time in their life, and now I’m paying my dues. The service industry. More specifically, in retail.

~~~I’m working at the front register. A woman comes up to it. She’s older. Late 50s, early 60s, gray hairs showing, but not much, all done quite nicely with a bit of a curl at the end. She’s wearing altogether too much make-up and a very nice black tweed jacket with a bright pink pin on the lapel saying “cancer sucks.” She sets on the counter a can of Ragu, a fashion magazine, and a reloadable Greendot card. She then said “Can I also get a carton of Marlboro Light 100s?” I, ignoring the fact that no cigarette has been called “Light” in awhile, grab the Gold Box carton and add it to the counter and begin ringing her up. I get to the Greendot card and ask how much she’ll be putting on it. She tells me “550 dollars” and I punch it in. I give her her total and she says “Let me use my Bridge Card for the sauce.” And swipes it. I tell her her remaining total and she hands my 600-something dollars in cash.~~~

With that many contradictions, she must be so darn cool to pull it off!

If only I could be like that.

Hi I'm C-Minus and I'm 16 and Pregnant

It seems like yesterday I was a carefree high school junior with the world in front of me. I had a great boyfriend Joe and everything was going great. But one day I felt all pukey and there was all the sudden a baby inside of me. And that's when I learned I was 16 and pregnant.

Getting pregnant in high school meant trading in my crazy senior year for an all new set of responsibilities. My schools like all "are you gonna drop out or graduate" and I'm like all "forget you school I'm 16 and pregnant I'ma do both because having a baby inside of me makes me special." After MTV got involved the school decided to let me do both because I was 16 and pregnant. So now I graduated and planning on college in the fall. Maybe not this fall but during the fall, they have college in the fall right? If they don't now then they will when I decide to show up, because I'm 16 and pregnant.

My living situation wasn't great when before I was 16 and pregnant. My awful parents only gave me the entire basement with independent entrance, restroom, driveway and mailing address... and now that I'm 16 and pregnant they only will pay for a 3 bedroom townhouse. What kind of a 16 and pregnant person raises an illegitimate child in a townhouse? With his father out of the picture I gotta get a new man while my orifices are still youthful and tight. My mom is all like "once the baby comes out your body won't be the same" but I'm like "screw off mother maybe if you were a real doctor I'd listen to you but you are pediatrician so you only know baby medicine."

I still think about Joe sometimes. Once I told him I was "16 and pregnant" he told me he was "31 and out of here." I hurts my heart sometimes to see pictures of him. Sometimes I cruse on over to his social networking site just to see his face. As I told you my body is still youthful and tight so I'm trying to replace Joe with a equal to or greater endowed man. But its hard knowing that you are 16 and pregnant and have a baby on the way. I'm not letting the baby slow down my personal life though. I'm just going to make the baby really physically active and mess with its sugar levels so it goes to sleep a lot. Then as soon as its asleep I'll be hitting the clubs. Maybe show more of my naughty bits off to hook them quicker.... kids usually sleep for 5 hour blocks right? That's like 4 clubs and 3 sexual acts. Times that by 365 days a year then the odds are in my favor of finding love while being 16 and pregnant.

I wonder how my baby is going to impact me getting a job...... oh no what was that. I think I'm having a contraction. Oh no... I can't make it to the hospital... I'm gonna have to do this on my own. This is what its going to be like when you are delivering your own baby when you are 16 and pregnant. Oh no I gotta push.... ugh why can't my parents or MTV just do this part for me. ARRGGGGGHHHHH...... push AAARRRGGGGHHHHHH>........

one.

final.

push.

a;sidfuapsoiufqwepoirhlkasdjfna;slkdfhjsaldkbzxvc,bnwerpoiuwer;lk!

Oh no, I guess I was misinformed about what this whole process... I guess I need to learn a little about what its like to be 16 and pregnant.

I guess I should have gotten the ultrasound. At least he doesn't look like his father. I wonder if MTV will still let me be on Teen Moms.

Me vs. An Old Guy: Part 1

This New Year I decided to redouble my efforts at weight loss, and gaining a healthier body. I made that solemn pack with the devil know as a “Gym Membership” for the first time in my life. Being the cheap-ass I am, I looked for the cheapest place possible in town. This happens to be located inside a senior community center, where 85% of the gym-goers are 60 and over. I figured this would be less intimidating anyway, since old people are far less likely to point and laugh at you in slow motion.

During my first visit to the gym, I saw that it was sectioned off with one part open area, one part machines, and one part free-weights. The part with the machines was full of people, and since I don’t know enough Yoga to pretend to work out in the open area, I went into the free-weight section. I started doing all the basic exercises there and was feeling okay about it. Then An Old Guy came in and started doing similar exercises on the next bench.

I immediately felt challenged.

Even though he was using smaller weights, had started later, and had probably done this more times than I have, I felt that I HAD to go longer than him simply because I was younger.

I lifted and extended and curled and pressed and punched and cried and just when I thought I had to stop for sure, the old fella finished and walked into the other section.

ViCtOrY!~!

I saw the defeat in his eyes and more importantly I knew that his presence made me do more than I would have otherwise, and I was grateful.

The next day, when I woke up to stiffness and shooting pangs, I was not.