"Are you looking at my girlfriend"

The following is a one man one act play. You have my written and expressed consent to perform it any audition, community theater production or church talent show. But no tv, because I retain all television and animation rights.

(at a bar or church gathering)

Hey bro. Yeah you. I know what you are doing... and I don't like it. Part of me doesn't blame you but the part of me that aint my wang needs you to stop scrapping on my scrill. This don't gotta get physical but if you keep peeping; the blood is gonna start pouring. I worked hard for that chick man and I can't just have you here filling your eyes up for free. Fine man, you wanna play it like that? Let's take it outside then.

(outside)

Whew, it's cold here outside. Sorry about all that tough talk, she just really gets into it when I defend her honor, and lately no one's been attacking it so I gotta make up altercations to get her turned on. Actually would you mind going back in there and doing a bit more than not looking at her? Just get a little handsy, make it seem like an accident at first. Then I'll come in all big and bad and lay your creepface out. I mean but not really though, I do community theater and I'm really good at stage fighting. You'll be in control the whole time. What? Oh come on bro it'll be awesome, you might even get some digits out of it yourself! Just go in the side door and I'll follow in about 30 seconds.

(back inside bar or church gathering)

What the heck bro?! Thought I told you twice already, seems like the lessons I taught you faded faster than the black eyes I gave you. Don't give me that "what face" this aint no community theater production, I'm gonna gut you with this box cutter I found at work. It's got my coworker Steve's name on it so no one will even suspect it was me that sliced you. I'll do it man, all for the honor of my baby. That's right baby you wanna see me cut something off this guy don't you? Maybe take the removed appendage back home and use on whatever slot I'm not filling. Yeah baby you just keep getting yourself warmed up and I'll take care of this guy. (mouth's the words "come here" to other guy as he follows me out)

(outside)

DUDE THAT WAS SO AWESOME! You are an amazing actor, its like you are almost a lecherous dude in real life. Alright change of plans, I need you to smear this ketchup packet on your hands and then come back under the guise of you beating me in a fight. Then you just ask her to take you back to her place. OF COURSE SHE'LL SAY YES! Might be through tears but she'll be begging for it. Then when you are halfway through it I need you to give out some type of warcry in an octave or two high than your normal voice so I know its time. When I hear it I'm gonna barge in the room like I caught up with you guys... we are going to push each other around a bit then realize we are both in her bedroom for the same thing. Then we just go at it with each other romantically. Leaving her to just stand there and watch us and be all like "WTF?" Yeah... that'll show her.

Hey bro.... where you going bro. This plan's gonna work, we got her just where we want her. Why are you getting in your car? I can give you more lines? This'll be awesome. Fine douche have fun taking care of yourself tonight, gonna be the only loving you gonna get.