1. Concealing my grotesqueness. Having a beard made it seem as if my chin and jawline was well defined. It also made my double chin look less doubley.
2. Just the right amount of "I don't give a crap" A beard can show your viewers that your time is too valuable to shave your entire face but you aren't too busy to keep the neck clean (don't ever grow a neck beard ever).
3. It is a talking point. For the past month and a half if I needed something to get the conversation going I could just reference the sweater my face was wearing. If I needed a joke than the punchline could always be my beard. Having a beard is like having the Helen Keller card in Apples to Apples, 100% right answer for any possible topic.
4. Keeps my skin clean. While my beard got touched a lot by me and those that I allow to pet my face, my actual skin was kept reasonably hands free, which allowed my skin irritations to get a couple months off from their tough job of ruining any chance I have of looking like the girls in the magazines. So on my 4th day beard free my skin is still feeling and looking like I'm in a Noxzema commercial.
5. It retains the flavor, smell and humidity of the last 12 hours of my life. Having a beard is like having a facial DVR. If I want to recall a soup or the smell of that pair of underwear I found in your bathroom, all I have to do is pull my beard over my nose, tweak my nipple, and sniff. I am immediately transported back to when the incident took place through the use of my beard's retaining powers and my disturbing attention to detail.
I might write some bad stuff about beards later... my face still kind of hurts from shaving a couple days ago. And yes I know my face is just hurting me but it's killing you.... shut up or I will give you an eskimo kiss with 2 days of sharper than a tac stubble.
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