As Sleepy Cricket's amazing cartoon yesterday may have indicated, I had a birthday recently. One of the joys of the Internet age is reading statements of congratulations typed out by friends, family and people who you just have on your friends list in order to keep tabs on and see how fat they have gotten recently (they have gotten quite fat recently). I thought I would take some of the gems that were posted on my facebook wall and critique them. Obviously this is a joke so feel free to chill out before you go getting your homies riled up.
This is the kind of wall post that make me want to go back and revise my Social Contract with Every Woman so that I may add in a clause that allows me to slap you in the face when you type crap like this at me. F
I am certain that you used the first 23 hours and 47 minutes of my birthday writing this amazing birthday wall post! F
Do you even know who this is? F
No No No this is not MTV raps so save the street talk for your pimp. F
Oh thanks for the update you facetious freak. I did plan on enjoying myself but then I decided to read your awful birthday message a couple dozen times instead. F
Just who does this nosy woman think she is? Here I am trying to celebrate 27 years of putting up with her ace and she's all being interrogative and stuff. And I'm sure that big date thing is a joke that you think I'm going to die alone, but jokes on you because (as of 10:30 on 10/12) I have a girlfriend. F
Hopefully I received a wallet for my birthday so I can stick it in my mouth to prevent biting my tongue because this post just gave me a seizure. How would I translate that to spoken word by the way, would I scream every other letter spelled out or would I try to break the word up in letter sized soundbites and scream/talk it? F
You're so blocked from my facebook. F
Unless OMG stands for Only Messages Garbage then you should probably separate the abbreviating the Lord's name in vain from the worlds most generic birthday wish. F
No actually you shouldn't say unbirthday because its my birthday and if it was my unbirthday you would need to post it any day but today. F
I think you are joking but this is the scariest thing I've ever heard in my life. F
Oh well look (listen) to who brought the family out to wish me a happy birthday. More like look who is using my birthday to show off not only his still fresh union but also the fact that he has a better webcam than me. Also I can see just enough of the living room behind them to believe that they live on the set to Maury Povich. F-
THANKS FOR THE KIND WORDS EVERYONE! I'LL SEE YOU AT THE SAME TIME/SAME PLACE NEXT YEAR!
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