So you've decided to see a movie with someone you kind of know but not really. Congratulations, this is how friendships are forged! But what to see, I mean it's the weekend of JUNE 4 2010 and there are a lot of feature films vying for your dollars and free time. Just taking a quick drive past Kalamazoo 10 we see:
Maramdaduke- Someone spoiled the ending (Maramaduke is a dog)
Shrek Forever- 3D makes her head feel like an electric can opener sounds
Sex and the City 2- Just kidding they didn't actually make a sequel to that... oh wait.
I've never heard of this next movie...
Hey that looks interesting, like an adult version of E.T. At least it would be something new right? We only see each other a couple times a year let's go crazy.
AND GO CRAZY WE DID
What follows are the top 3 reasons why I recommend taking a casual acquaintance (preferably if you know them from a business function or your kids are on the same baseball team) to see the movie SPLICE, but only if you can see it in a sparsely attended theater.
THE MOVIE IS ABOUT AN ANIMAL/HUMAN HYBRID
Oh what an interesting subject! I thought this was going to be about an alien or something but I guess they do some type of cloning.... oh wow they are graphically showing us the formation of this new species. Interesting and now two of the previously created species are fight-breeding. For such a small creature there is sure a lot of blood and other bodily fluids exchanged. This will certainly be a memorable movie and I think that our friendship will build over discussions about the repercussions of scientists playing God and experimenting with ... wait
THE CREATURE EVOLVES INTO A (HUMAN ENOUGH TO HAVE SEX WITH) CREATURE AND THEN HAS GRAPHIC (HUMAN ENOUGH) SEX WITH BOTH OF PROTAGONISTS
Well... um... to be honest with you I picked up hints that they would go down this road, but I thought that since Adrien Brody was in the cast they wouldn't actually do it. At least not in a way that would show us everything that's happening in the intercourse process in realtime. I guess that I'm glad that we are almost-strangers of different genders so that we may be grossed* out on two different levels.
Also I'm sorry that I said "someone's about to get raped" when the human/animal hybrid switched genders and went after the woman. If I was going to say that at a loud volume I should had the courtesy to at least say it towards the screen instead of while looking directly into your eyes.
THE MOVIE SETS ITSELF UP FOR AN OBVIOUS SEQUEL WHICH WILL PROBABLY BE THE EXACT SAME PLOT ONLY GROSSER AND DIRECT TO DVD
Well at least we can sit here in stunned silence and say, "I might be grossed out by it, but gosh darn it I just watched something." You know maybe in a couple years when they crank out a sequel we can come back and see if it's as awkward the second time. Why are you clutching that whistle and can of pepper spray. No you don't understand, when I shouted excitedly in the theater I was talking about the characters in the movie, not about anyone in attendance.
Ok I'll let you leave the theater first. Do me a favor and text me when you get home, you have a long drive ahead of you and I don't think either of us are in a good mental place right now.
*80% kidding*
^20% kidding if you are into it
Best experience of my life. So glad you were there to share it with me. However, if you ever say "Someone's about to get raped" and look me in the eye again, I will call the police.
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