My Cartoon Wives

I have been blessed to have two very special women in my life over the past couple of years and I thought I would take a break from being bitter and crappy to tell you about them. I consider them my "cartoon wives." As to not break my rule of not mentioning anyone by name (aside from Jon Purdy), I will refer to them as two of the Disney afternoon cartoon characters I was attracted to as a child (present day).

Rebbecca Cunningham is the first of the Disney afternoon cartoon characters to enter my life and my heart. She came as my friend Super Christian was leaving and it was a rocky transition. She was preceded by someone who actually had a name similar to Rebbecca Cunningham, but aside from a love of Saved By the Bell I did not have anything to discuss with her predecessor.

Rebbecca Cunningham got her Disney Character associated with her after I told her in graphic detail what I would do to that cartoon character if God wasn't watching. In this erotic fan fiction I am also a cartoon character so it wasn't weird or anything (I wouldn't be Baloo because I am in pretty good shape and if I were to be Kit Cloudkicker there would be a weird maternal thing going on which I am not saying is exactly a complete turn off). After going stream of consciousness on our x-rated animated adventures, Rebbecca (the real on not the cartoon one that currently has me aroused). Made me the following illustration that immediately killed any desire I had for the character.

If you take a moment to look at the illustration to the right, the character introduces herself, already knowing my name and then proceeds immediately to saying she loves me. That's how it is supposed to happen ladies, you present yourself to me and then list off your feelings so that neither of us waste anytime.

The fact that I listed off a ton of perverted stuff in the past couple paragraphs and haven't gotten slapped should tell you that Rebbecca is the cartoon character that I run my lines by. If in the past two years I have said something that makes you feel special, there is a good chance I focus tested it with Ms. Cunningham. If I happened to offend you and make you think I am lesser of a man for saying that to you, then that was obviously a sabotage by Rebbecca because she is in love with me and can't stand to see me talking to anyone else.

Also any bitter or audacious stuff that I don't want to sully Gadget's time with gets run by Rebbecca, she knows where the bodies are buried (both literal and metaphorical bodies). She keeps it as real as a Disney afternoon cartoon character can keep it and that's why I love her.

Gadget Hackenwrench was the second of the Disney afternoon cartoon characters to come into my life, and initially I was hesitant to let her in. She was too chipper and crafty. While her positive attitude won over the rest of the Rescue Rangers, I kept her at a distance. Much like her cartoon namesake, the real Gadget is crafty and a skilled inventor.

Initially my encounters with her were walking in to the ... Rescue Rangers Chipmunk Resources office to see if Rebbecca Cunningham was available. I would see that she wasn't and then turn around quickly before her supervisor could catch wind of my presence and scowl in my general direction, which I believe is the extent of his actual power/job function. This was eventually shortened to a hand signal from down the hall to see if she was available.

One notable thing about Gadget is her booming laugh that she demonstrates when she is amused, angry, tired, hungry or nervous. Our conversations of the Rescue Ranger Instant Messaging system started with me keeping a tally of how many times I heard her laugh from my desk which is on the other end of the office (Rescue Rangers command center? I give up).

Our conversations started from there. At 8AM we would greet each other, at 8:15AM I would

tell her about what one of my real life ladyfriends was pissing me off at the moment. After over a year of DISNEY CARTOONING together she let me have this handy chart that she made to keep them all straight. I now keep it in my desk as a reminder that while I might not be loved, I am at least tolerated.

On the topic of human interaction, if I have encountered you in the past 2 years and seemed like a reasonable human being, its probably thanks to the cartoon wives. Gadget talks me down and Rebbecca Cunningham gives it to me straight. If I have come across as a prick then it is because I refused to respect the advice and opinion o the cartoon wives. At 9:30AM Gadget and I discuss what our lunch plans are and how the Disney Afternoon Cartoon Block will find a way to ruin them. This will lead us into our discussion of what junk food we will buy from the vending machines when we give up on eating real food. When I have a weak moment and buy the 750 calorie big bag of Reese's Pieces, I know I will always have the life line of giving half of the bag to gadget, while neglecting the newer girl in the Rescue Ranger Resource office.

From failed attempt at lunch and on we will discuss our projects and evening plans. Mine will usually include lies that make me seem like a more reasonable human being to her but aside from my pathological sickness I appreciate our honest relationship. She always keeps a level head and is about the only smile without a knife to stab me in the back in my Disney Animated Cartoon Program and those are some of the reasons I love Gadget Hackenwrench.

OK enough of this sappy/furry stuff. I'll get back to being terrible tomorrow.