a seven year old note to a girl who never existed

stuck at work, writing in kind of stream of consiousness mode.

Dear Female,

I had a chance to come over a look at your computer. Oh don't worry it was no problem, I was in between my one job and that other job I have. Your boyfriend let me in thinking I was the cable guy after you didn't answer the door or your phone. He said you were at the tanner, which is usually the obligation you have when I want to do something and now it is the obligation you have when you just want me to do something for you. You are always putting other nouns and verbs ahead of us and our plans, that's what makes you so special.

Your boyfriend and I were both initially shocked at each other's existence, me in that you had a boyfriend of three years you didn't tell me about, him that you went to college when I told him that's how I knew you. He's an interesting guy, his tribal armband tattoo nicely compliments his self-made faith system which involves loosely defined morals and elements taken from other religions and self-help books.

I understand why you didn't want to bring the laptop to me, all the cord and everything is a bit much to carry around. And coming

over to your place gives me a chance to really enjoy the campus scenery, traffic and parking regulations. Your boyfriend found an old parking ticket in the couch and told me to put that on the windshield, this would fool those "pubic safety cops into thinking they already towed your car when they see it parked illegally." When I questioned the logic of that statement he left the room to center himself.

I walked towards your room to see that your computer was on with the Disk Boot Error you drunkenly described on my voicemail last night. I probably could have troubleshooted this issue over the phone with you but your state of being and "Ignition Remix" by R. Kelly playing loudly in the background made it seem like a bad time for tech support. When I found this computer for you at the salvation army after you spilt Mike's Hard Lemonade on your old one, I might have mentioned it was a bit older than what your parents bought you. For some reason a shareware copy of Duke Nukem was in the 3.5" floppy drive of your computer, this causes the computer to try to boot from the floppy disk upon start up because it is first in the boot sequence. The shareware copy of Duke Nukem does not contain any bootable files such as an operating system. I hit eject on the floppy drive and your computer booted to Windows and now operates normally.

As I made my exit, I noticed an old parking ticket by your computer with the message "call glasses about computer" written in your lipstick. I assume I am "glasses" in the situation. I took the note for my scrapbook as it is the closest thing I've received from a girl in a while. As I exited your house and your life, I wondered what you were doing. I hope you weren't in the tanning booth for the 40 minutes of my visit, I tried to imagine you doing something really important and altruistic...but I wasn't able to.

Hope your tanning is going well.