Despite having the cyst removed from your back-shoulderish area less than 12 hours ago we have received the biopsy results of the big flesh boogery thing we pulled out. The good news is it is not cancerous, so whatever plague dwells in you will have to simmer for a bit longer while you go about making the most of your life while you still have it.
Enough foreplay lets get on with the break down of this chunk. The blotch is composed of a variety of things but it is all 100% gross. While the extraction was clean (aside from the pint of blood that spewed out when I stabbed you with the capri sun straw) there may be fragments of each of these parts dwelling within you.
The cyst was 40% regret. Those dreams you used to have of being a writer, video game designer, Jonathan Taylor Thomas stunt double and filmmaker were all tasted in the sample. With this splotch cut out of you, your feelings of disappointment of where you work and how you live should slowly fade from your memory. My medical colleges and I don't know whether to say your welcome or we are sorry for the loss of regret in your life. If it makes you feel any better I think my medical assistant left her thimble in the stitched up area. Don't worry about returning it, we'll get it back when we deal with the infection.
The cyst was 60% WTF? This thing is really sick. I don't know what to do with it. Can you take this with you on your way out? Is it too late for use to sew back in you? What about some other medical waste, can we will you up with that? You have some loose skin from your weight loss so that could really help us out. Our dumpster is overflowing and I think OSHA is swinging by later today. What if we mounted the cyst for you as if it was a large and rare fish that you caught. I think that would be an excellent conversation piece.
Anyways thank you for letting us practice cutting into you and taking stuff out. Because you couldn't see the operating area; I let some of my interns and a visiting elementary class take a crack at the operation. By now the nova-cane that we put in you should be wearing off and we apologize about the pain/arousal now that you are no longer numb in the area. Also your insurance declined to cover the operation and is also asking you to bare some of the cost of your coworkers elective gastric bypass.
Peace Playa,
A licensed Doctor
See attached for a pic of your baby/cyst:
This post made me want to throw up a little bit.
ReplyDeleteBut I am glad you're okay.