post 100 of this blog will have 3 game changing revelations

In celebration of the 100th post this entry contains swear words and a bunch of emo shit. It'll be back to "normal" after this.

There have been 100 posts to this blog. Not all of them have been mine and not all of them have actually been posted. For example I have a gem titled "feelings are easy" which is probably the gayest thing that has ever been put on a computer. Not gay as in negative but gay as in attracted to blog posts of the same gender.... you know what lets just call me a bigot and move on.

It's been a good run and maybe with some fresh blood up in here we can do 100 more. But enough of that, I've been talking around things for too long. It's time to drop some knowledge bombs.

EE Post 100 Revelation #1: I am better than you.

In real life when it comes to valuing people I normally have the safe response of "no one is better." But I've been keeping it real on this blog like the barbershop from Barbershop and I'm telling you that I am better than you. Let me give you an example of how I am better than you:

www.expeditedemotions.blogspot.com

Yeah that's a website, a thrifty little blog I started with my AWOL friend SLEEPY CRICKET. I kept it quiet until I had a decent amount of content and then I slowly and respectfully told my inner circle about it. I didn't make a huge deal, I just wrote. And I didn't write about how my day went, because that post would only be one word and that word would be "shitty."

I try to write about life and the things in it, things that some of us can relate to and some of us can stand back and laugh at. Some of it is complete fiction, some of it is pure emotion strung together by a couple of off-putting molestation jokes, but I didn't just dictate how awesome and clever I was this weekend.

My favorite website (www.avclub.com) referred to Oprah's themed episodes as, "holding something up to see what she looks like in its reflection, then talking about said reflection." They say this as a bad thing but since I'm not a meglomaniac I would be proud to use that as a mission statement for my contributions to the site. When I speak of Alpha Protocol, I speak not only of the game but my frustrations with the videogame industry. When I speak of the movie project I WILL NO LONGER BE BITTER ABOUT I speak not only of that awful script but of the work ethics and creative process of people I know.

Quickly reviewing some of my stuff, I realize how many half formed ideas there are. Posts that don't necessarily end as much as me just saying forget it and hitting "publish" before shutting my laptop and moving on. Some days writing is like a really hefty bowel movement that I need to pass before I can move on and for the past 100 posts you have helped me through my "irregular" days.

EE Post 100 Revelation #2: I am a bitter, jealous, ignorant asshole.

The above is true. I think I got this way from walking around when I was a teenager thinking the world hated me and I didn't discover the truth until it was too late. The truth is that the world doesn't hate me, it's just that the world does not give a shit about me. Or you. I'm not saying this as a depressed, call 211 kind of thing, I'm saying it as a life statement. I (we) have so much talent, love, hate, whatever inside of us and no one is required to care until you have something to show for it.

I will go back to this as-yet-unposted "feelings are easy" post and pretty much the gist of it is the same as that "opinions are like assholes" riff that everyone does. When I ran a business I had this guy who wasn't worth anything working for me, he had a shitty opinion on some random thing and I let my professionalism down and said "fuck what you don't like, go do some work and then maybe we can talk about what what you don't like." The management tactic was unsuccessful because he just bitched to someone else but it was one of the truer things I have ever said. In order for anyone to acknowledge us on anything more than a basic human level, then you are going to have to show me two things:

1. I can play by the rules of society

I currently have a coworker who only communicates by screaming and throwing previous events in people's faces. This is not how I define the rules of the workplace so I do my best to ignore everything this person says or does. I have registered a complaint with his supervisor and nothing is done, if I ever get promoted above him I will deal with him but until then he is nothing. I do not hate him because people who can not function by the rules of where they exist are not real, and the only fake person I hate is Mike Seaver.

2. I am worth paying attention to

As a 27 year old, I have to focus on what is real. You're opinions, your feelings.... I don't have the time or patience to deal with those so until I get better at this emotional processing stuff I just gotta ignore that. What I can pay attention to are deeds and attitudes and what I can see smell and hear. I come from a family of dwellers so if I start trying to acknowledge you based on a thought you might be thinking or a feeling you might be feeling.... well shoot I'll be up all night. I'm not the type of person who says "I Love You" like I'll say it when I mean it or when I want to trick you into putting your mouth on something... but it feels like half of a sentence. "I love you.... and I want you to take that love down to the corner store, and buy yourself something really pretty with that love I just gave to you." But love is not a currency, feelings are easy to make and easy to break... whats real to me is what you do with them.

My writing I LOVE WHOEVERTHEHELL in my 7th grade trapper keeper doesn't mean anything to the girl I was afraid to talk to. Even if I said it to her....anyone can put that sentence together. What would have been real would have been to get over myself and try to communicate that feeling in action. Such as maybe asking her how her day was, or turning that feeling into an action to make her feel that way.

Ok now I'm losing it. All the above makes me an asshole; I can blame the ignorant, jealous, and ignorant parts on going to Western.

EE Post 100 Revelation #3: I love you.

I'm just typing it, so as Revelation #2 states it doesn't mean anything (and I don't want most of you to put your mouth on me), but understand I feel it and if that does anything for you.... you are welcome. Thanks for reading, commenting and writing this shit. One day we'll get too important to waste our time on this but until then there is no one I would rather be working with.